It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiday so wrap me in a corn shuck and call me Matt-a-Zuma because I feel like a Hot Tamale today. Great googly moogly, for some reason I am in a very good mood, and just in time for the weekend. Schmoop shaved her legs this morning which means someone is getting lucky tonight. I hope it’s me!!I must have West Nile Virus because I have this incredible urge to build a pyramid and erect my own obelisk. King Matt-en-Khamen…Ahhhhhh don’t look now but my Karma just ran over my Dogma!! Classic.
President Bush is spending the rest of the month on a “working” vacation. What the hell does that mean? Does that mean he is going to be lounging on his Spiderman pool floaty, sipping a Mai-Tai shouting out, “The economies does good…Let the surge work, and tell the reporters to stand back because it’s time for this muchacho to do a belly flop. Yeeeee Haaaa.”
Yo baby, big doings this weekend on the Bagwine site. I am so excited that the huge ass plantar wart on my foot is seeping faster than a New Orleans levee. I shouldn’t tell you what’s going to go down but much like Nicole Ritchie after eating a hamburger, I can’t keep it inside of me.
Tomorrow I am going to post another installment of Inky and Lola. And sometime Sunday…hold on to your seats folks…I will be posting pictures of, and the process of, making (drum roll please) LOOSEMEAT SANDWICHES!! Tell those amateurs who run Maid-Rite, to check it out and see how to make this Bagwine favorite the right way. Mmmmmm juicy beef. I need a drink…just Kool-Aid folks, really.
This week we were told that President Bush was treated in the past for Lyme Disease. I bet when the Doctors told him that he may have Lyme Disease, Dubya said, “Lyme Disease? Must have been all of them there Jell-O Shots I did last week…A ding dang do.” I had an odd dream last night. I was standing next to Lindsay Lohan in front of Buckingham Palace. Maybe I dreamt it because I heard Fleetwood Mac on the radio yesterday…give it a second folks. Lalalalalalala Yippee!! Gronk. Good Kool-Aid, thanks Schmoop.
I wish I was a Jack-in-the-Box so everyday would be spent getting my wank cranked. Well, as long as I was sold at a sex toy party for hot, frustrated housewives. Is it harmful to sleep in a blanket made from asbestos? All of my friends say no, and encourage me to do so. I think I’ll try it out. Anyone up for a slumber party? I’ll bring the…Oh shit, I just heard on TV that Merv Griffin is in the hospital and in grave condition. Sounds like he may be in jeopardy.
On that rude note, I will bid you farewell. Make sure to stop by for the Loosemeat seminar this weekend. Speaking of weekends, enjoy yours. Spend it having pool sex atop a Spiderman floatation device.
Cheers!!
42 comments:
Certifiable....
Schmoop: Thank you very much!!
Have a great weekend Matt see you monday "ooga booga ooga"
On "date" night when I would shave my legs, hubby would say..."crap she shaved so I guess I'm paying the bill....
Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. She says the problem with her husband’s fundraising campaign is she can’t make him black, and she can’t make him a woman. That’s the same problem with Michael Jackson’s people.
There was a guy in New York who got arrested for smuggling a monkey onto a plane. I can’t get four ounces of shampoo onto a plane! How’s he get monkey on there?
It was a very big week for the very big-headed Barry Bonds. He has the all-time record for career homeruns. There was big skirmish in the bleachers for the ball. Collectors say it’s worth somewhere between $300,000 and $500,000, which is actually a lot less than some other baseballs. Some baseballs have actually fetched millions of dollars so I guess taking steroids really does shrink the value of your balls.
In a recent interview with People magazine, Kathy Hilton said that her daughter Paris Hilton may have gotten a rash from the sheets in her cell. Today the sheets issued a statement saying, no, they got the rash from Paris Hilton.
David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming out. It’s called "Intimately Beckham.” Apparently, it’s a delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete’s foot. And that’s just hers.
Earlier this year, there was a strange story about Keith Richards. He claims he once snored a mixture of cocaine and his dead father’s ashes. That was the story, but he denied it. Now, though, he’s saying he did snort his dad; he did not mix him with some cocaine. He only snorted his dad. Stars. They’re just like us.
According to Glamour magazine, 83 percent of women tell their friends secrets to their husbands. So women, if you tell your girlfriend something, 83 percent chance she will tell her husband. But the good news? One hundred percent of the men aren’t listening anyway.
Potential-for-candidate Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, he said all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he’s been showing too much cleavage.
President Bush signed a law on Sunday that broadly expands the government’s authority to eavesdrop on our telephone calls and e-mails without a warrant. So our phone calls are being watched, our e-mails are being watched. The only thing not being watched? NBC. Why can’t they get some of that action?
The New York Times reduced the size of their paper. They reduced the width by an inch and a half. The news was announced with the headline, 'Big News at New York Tim.'
President Bush did not call Barry Bonds after he broke Hank Aaron’s homerun record, but later, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, 'I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who is less popular than I am.'
Oooh, I can't wait for the lesson.
All your friday posts have a dreamlike quality.
Roger: Have a good one yourself, and know that I have always been jealous of your skill with the English language. Cheers!!
Cheesy: For God Sakes Woman!! Put down the coffee and move away from the keyboard. Cheers!!
Marilyn: Dream-like or nightmarish? Cheers Marilyn, and enjoy the Loosemeat Sunday.
What a nice job! To do absolutely nothing for work, and to get a "work vacation". Baha!
Enjoy your weekend buddy!
Deb: No frickin' kiddin'. Enjoy yours as well and Cheers!!
You build the obelisk, they will come.
Have a wonderful weekend....
Peace
Odat: And hopefully, I will shortly afterwards. Cheers and enjoy the weekend!!
Mmmmm.... meat on the loose.
108: Does that make you hungry?
Now, I am not going to have to worry about you insulting the Philly Cheesesteak with this Loosemeat business?
And W would be floating on Toy Story 2 floatie, sipping Margaritas. Gotta keep that Texas cowboy image ya know
Sparky: No worries. I LOVE Philly Cheesesteaks. I'm thinking Mai-Tai because W is a cowgirl at heart. Cheers!!
Hey, your post wasn't here by 8:30 this morning, so I signed off. NOW I'm here, and there are a dozen comments ahead of mine! Sheesh. Can't win for losing (whatever the hell THAT means...)
Thanks for the good wishes. Just finishing the laundry and packing, and then we'll be up at out to the airport at 6:00 a.m. tomorrow. I'll be back online in time to check out the loosemeat extravaganza. Sure hope you're talking about food and not some sexual thing with Schmoop, though...
Hiya, Schmoop!
Hiya Songbird!
I swear to God it has nothing to do with sex!! Hope you are well.
Songbird: Have a safe trip and unless one is a leper, Loosemeat refers to food. Cheers!!
thank goodness you cleared that up... i thought you were talking about that loosemeat in your pants that you think might get some today
Bond: It could be both I'm told. By the way, make sure you check out Inky and Lola tomorrow. I know that you'll enjoy it. Have a stiff drink or several and Cheers!!
I enjoy everything you do Matt-man...even though you told me you don't love me no more....
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Maybe I should steal Schmoop from you and then you will have to be nicer to me....
OHHHHHHHHH Schmoop baby...c'mere darlin' SMOOCH
Bond: Dont fret,I love you less than Gahndi but more than Brittney Spears...And please dont make Schmoop ill.
Is Cheesy trying to take your job?
And all this time, I thought Merv was already dead.
Thanks for the stream - you're awesome!
Tigger: We encourage Cheesy to do that as part of her therapy...And thank you, no woman has ever told me that my stream was awesome.
Nichole is actually gaining some weight. Poor thing has to do it for the baby. So sad we won't be able to count her ribs for a few months.
Looking forward to the Loosemeat sensation!
If we don't have a pool, can we just have sex atop a Spiderman floatation device in the bathtub?
I have called the men in white coats and they have your padded room ready and waiting... definitely certifiable... ;-)
Oh and the pool sex... why yes I know I still owe y'all pics of my vacation ... will take more this weekend.. ;-)
Have a great one!
SMOOCHES~
Laura: It is sooo good to see you!! Maybe after the baby is born Nicole can nurse herself AND her kid. Have at it in the tub. Just try not to pull the soap dish off of the wall. Cheers!!
Dixie: That's right you have a pool!! How about you let this Matt stay with you in place of your Matt until it cools down. Have a good weekend and I hope things are going well. Cheers!!
Grrrr.....
Hear that?? That's the sound of my tummy growlin'.
No floatation device for me...the pump went out on our pool. I'm waiting for the replacement to come in. It's icky and green right now. Guess we could just sit it on top of the bed. The floatation device that is. :)
108: Well you'll just have to wait until the Lord's Day.
Crazy: Well dont stick to the floatation device, because that would hurt pullin' off. I mean, unless that's what you're in to. Cheers!
See, now I was THINKING "loosemeat" and "in your pants" when I typed my previous comment, but I wasn't quite so obvious. Thanks to Bond, who was nice enough to spell that out, that's PRECISELY what I was thinking but was too polite to say.
Schmoop - I'm feeling pretty good. Thanks for asking! I'm ready to get back home, though. Gotta get those kids back in school bright and early Monday morning!
Songbird: The meat in my pants is never "Loose", maybe spoiled, but never loose.
**sits nearby in anticipation of finding out what is loosemeat**
What it is Julie, is the best damn sandwich you will ever eat!!
Do you know I have pondered the pregnant Nicole situation. I have a concern. What if her body just reabsorbs that poor fetus for nutrition?!
Meat on the loose indeed :P
Dammit.. how the hell can I stream if I don't drink my Friday morning pot o coffee??
I thought the object WAS to stream?? lol...I'll be good-
-ish
Starrlight: Ewwwww, but I can seeing it happen.
Cheesy: Stream all you want and I'll try to catch it. Cheers!!
waiting on the best damn sandwich...
when the ranchers are chasing down the cattle who have left the herd...is that loose meat? And when the cattle run out of energy and lie down...is that ground beef?
feel free to roll your eyes...
yep, Starrlight is really really sick
""Oh shit, I just heard on TV that Merv Griffin is in the hospital and in grave condition. Sounds like he may be in jeopardy.""
BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You are SOOO going to hell
but
BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Dangit! It is clearly spelled out in the rules here at our condo that we can't use Spiderman flotation devices in the community pool.
So I guess it's just plain old pool sex for us.
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