Merry Christmas, Number One Son...

Lately, the toy market has been subject to quite a few recalls due to the fact that Chinese toy manufacturers are not only concerned about making money in the toy market, they are also heavily invested in the lead paint market. It’s not their fault really they are just following the teachings of great Chinese philosophers of the past.

Confucius said, “ Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.” That is a fine statement, but that’s not what they exactly adhere to. Rather, Chinese toy manufacturers adhere to the statement presented by Confucius’ lesser know and some say less wise brother Profucius who said, “Toy rickshaws without lead paint is profit lost; manufacturing of said product without slave labor is just plain goofy.” Move over Jesus, Profucius is no shrinking violet.

Anyhoo, although many Chinese items have been recalled, there are still a few good Christmas present ideas available to you that have not been recalled. Just in time for the Christmas season, I offer you the following “not as yet” recalled Chinese products…

Do you have a precocious nine year old nephew to buy for? If so, consider putting a smile on his face by giving him the action figure that is sweeping the Yangtze River valley, “G.I. Cho”. This bad ass toy soldier has a backpack, a burp gun, and a mess kit full of flied lice. And no I am not using a stereotypical pronunciation of a side dish, it really is lice that can fly. The American version comes with a mess kit full of Bush’s Baked Beans, bullshit, and empty promises. Don’t worry folks, no lead paint on this toy, Cho’s uniform is made of 100% pure asbestos. Gung HO!!

Is there a young niece, sister, or daughter in your life? No problem. Order the “Yellow River Farm Galoshes and Rice Paddy Birthing Kit”. The boots, with a dragon face on the toe, let people know where the young girl has come from, and the bottle of tainted water, coat hanger, and trash bag let her know where she is going. This can also make a great gag gift for those of your female friends who grew up prior to Roe v. Wade. Either way, this product says, “Merry Christmas” with an insight into Chinese culture and/or twisted American humor.

Hey Ladies, want to give something to your man that will also give you pleasure!? Nothing elicits a screaming orgasm better than when your man is going down on you while wearing a “Mao Tse-Tung Ring”. This item will make you convert to Communism faster than a Chinese basket. This item is composed of jade, shark dorsal, and euthanized maiden teeth. Beware: This item is more addictive than Kung Pao Chicken!!

Finally, for the men out there. Would you like to please your lover and show your deep care for them? Does your lady like something warm and comforting over the winter’s months? Well, grab a pen and order the “Cream of Sum Yung Guy Club”. Szechuan Steve, Cantonese Chuck, and Beijing Barry among others comprise just a few of the flavors.

Once a month your special lady will have a packet of desiccated “Cum-Munism” delivered to her door. They simply add hot water to the contents and bang, they have a cup full of delicious Ding-Ding Dynasty Drink with which to tease their lips and throat. One added benefit…it’s full of ginseng and ginkgo biloba!!

Well, I hope I have been able to make your Christmas shopping season a little easier. Enjoy your day, and I’ll see you tomorrow for Stream of Consciousness Friday.

Cheers!!