I am in a less than jovial mood…a mood that is full of self-doubt and a even a bit of self-loathing. There are things that I want to accomplish that I have yet to bring to fruition. And as a result, it has left me in a position that makes me feel that I am letting people close to me down. Where does the scale between pursuing one’s dream and being waken by the condescending laughter of reality and other people’s needs find an equilibrium? I don’t know. If I did, I wouldn’t feel the way that I have over the past couple of weeks.
At times lately, I feel lost. It is like I am walking through a wilderness full of thorny bushes and wails of banshees demanding that I terminate my pursuit of my personal grail. Sometimes when I sleep, I hear the angry cackles of life’s acquaintances screaming, “What about me, Matt? Why must I pay for your dream…a dream that may never issue any dividends?” When this happens, I invariably go from deep slumber to deep guilt.
I certainly blame myself for a few things such, as not preparing as well as I could have for my journey. I blame myself for losing focus due to feelings of jealousy of those who I feel are incredibly less talented than me and have “made it”. But should I blame myself for others feeling that I have let them down because I am chasing a “whim”? Instead of going to the buffet for a third helping of guilt, should I be disappointed that the support and interest that I have shown to others isn’t reciprocated?
Lao-Tzu hit it on the head centuries ago, “Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream.” I don’t want to do that but it is getting harder to do. I have, in the past, pitched in when others were in need, and yet it is hard for me to find anyone to help me water my field of dreams when I am in a drought. While usually a man who is pretty much happy-go-lucky, I am a little bitter.
Sorry to bring you all down, but this is something that has been weighing on me for a couple of weeks, and I had to get it off of my chest. I want to thank you for listening and I want to thank Schmoop for being one of the few who is always there with a fresh pail of water.
See you tomorrow for Stream of Consciousness Friday.
Cheers!!
33 comments:
Honey, I'll always have fresh water for you! Love ya!!
Schmoop: Thanks, and right back at ya.
Must be some depression motes floating in the air today causing the dream machines to stop working properly.
We are all on your side and think you are wonderful.
this post hit home in many ways my friend...sitting here wondering how to make some things work that I guess I hid myself from earlier this year and now are coming back to haunt me, my son, my parents and wondering how to find a way to make it all work properly...wondering why i can not be doing one of the two things i would love to be doing in my life, instead of busting my a&& for a company that recently showed me they consider me just a tiny cog..while others reap the benefits of my hard work...
OH IT HIT HOME
Always here to listen my friend...
Oh, Matty - you and I share the same spirit, and today we are in synch.
I have no words of great wisdom for you; I can only shake my head and smile meekly, tears in my eyes, giving you the knowing look.
Hugs to you.
I'm always here with water for you, and if you run out of that, I'll help with tinkle!
Good luck with whatever you are dealing with....aren't you due for a midlife crisis? (I'd better run...we're the same age!)
Jamie: Thanks, now get back to your blog because you have a big dinner to prepare!!
Bond: I hear ya brother. And the work thing...That's how it has been nearly everywhere I have worked. Cheers!!
Songbird: Here's a tissue,, and thanks!!
Metalmom: Knowing that you would pee for me makes me feel so much closer to you. Cheers!!
It's always good to get things like this out...Sharing is dividing the grief, so to speak.
The only advise I can offer is my own experience...when I got "stuck" I had to force myself to keep moving forward, one little baby step at a time. It seem sometimes it takes forever, and sometimes it does, but it's still in the right direction! Don't give up your dreams, and don't get stuck!!! You're capable of great things!
Peace
Odat: Thanks and I know it takes time, I just wish a few others were cognizant of that fact as well. I'll keep pluggin' away however. Cheers!!
Keep plugging along, Matt-man...this too, shall pass! I often feel this despair, but it doesn't last. And with your sense of humor and wit? You will make it. Besides, karma has a way of coming around - so pay your dues, and something will come to fruition. TRUST.
Tigger: That was sweet and I appreciate it very much. Cheers!!
Ahhh…the wail of the banshees…just the thought STILL makes me shudder. No kidding.
When you pitch in for others, show them interest and provide them support…you gotta do it just for them. Never expect what you give to get in return. You will always be disappointed.
You are not the only one trying to define that elusive equilibrium…not by a long shot.
Hold tight your dream Matthew. No matter who demands termination. No matter how dry it seems. In my not-so-humble opinion…you are really only required to be responsible for youself and your boy. It is a blessing to have someone like Schmoop as your waterbearer. So see…its not a complete draught.
Katherine: I agree with what you are saying. When I do something for someone else, I dont expect something in return. I guess, I am just a little verklempt by the fact that when those same people see me in a bind that they dont reciprocate. I guess I just have a different sense than they do as to what human nature should be all about.
But as far as Schmoop and Ryno, I couldnt agree more. Cheers Buddy!!
Oh Matt, did this one hit home. If I had a dollar..hell 50 cents for the number of times I have to stop my thoughts from running in this direction and and start the "don't go there" internal chant, I'd be rich.
I do, however, really think that everything happens the for a reason and happens in a certain WAY for a reason.
Sometimes it's hard to keep on keepin on cause the time just isn't right. I'd like to think we will enjoy it more when it happens because we DID wait for it.
PS...I just touched your monkey ;)
There are times, my friend, when all we can do is go through the motions and hope like hell that someone is trailing behind you picking up the crap that you're leaving behind. The details, the small stuff, the big stuff - someone who cleans up your junk and covers your ass.
I believe that Schmoop is that person for you, and you are that for her. It's difficult not to think we are letting down not only ourselves, but those we love as well. You need to trust that she loves you and that Ryno loves you and that they won't give up on you. Then you can begin to trust yourself.
It's not easy; hell, most times that's a painful thing to do. Who can really humble themself that much, to trust that no matter how much of a loser we feel like, someone still loves us?
You have love all around you, Matt. Believe it, and trust in it. It will not fail you.
I love you, too.
Sorry you're feeling distressed. Hope you feel better soon.
Matt, dear -- I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have to admit, I have often taken your jovial outlook on life for granted. That's what happens to the happy people. People always expect them to be happy when everyone else is miserable.
If it helps, I completely understand how you feel. And I am also sad for you, because you have tried harder to achieve your own personal dream than I ever have mine. You hit the nail on the head with that quote. I couldn't agree with that more... If you must dump a bucket full of worry and fear, do it on your blog. We'll exchange it for happiness and optimism however we can.
I'm happy to listen! Just make sure not to kill the grass by pissing on it!
(((hugs)))
**hands Matt a gallon jug of water**
Hang in there my friend.
You know that talent is only a part of the equation. You have that in spades. The tough part is recognizing that instant when the right door opens.
Let your talent do what it does best. And keep your eyes peeled for that damn door - it doesn't open very far and it's dark on the other side. And someone is always oiling that squeaky hinge.
Be ready to jam your foot in the opening.
lot's of love, support and good advice there for you in those comments Matt-man.
sometimes we have to just appreciate the here and now and not look too much into the future.
You have all you need, just believe in yourself. everything else will fall into place.
Chin up, MattMan, Chin up!!!
sweet jezebel, get out of my head. While one side of life has been a bowl of cherries, the other side has been fraught with horrendous decisions. So, we are here for ya
Well dear friend~~Perhaps the problem lies with the activity of blaming. Whether we blame others or blame ourselves, there is something aggressive and unkind about it. It sets up a situation in which it becomes difficult to move forward under the burdensome feelings of shame and guilt that arise. It also puts the resolution of our pain in the hands of someone other than us. Ultimately, we cannot insist that someone else take responsibility for their actions; only they can make that choice when they are ready. In the meantime, if we want to move forward with our lives instead of waiting around for something that may or may not happen, we begin to see the wisdom of taking the situation into our own hands.
In short, we love ourselves as we want to be loved and create the life we know we deserve. We leave the resolution of the wrongs committed against us in the hands of the universe, releasing ourselves to live a life free of blame.
And if all else fails... we toast to life and breathing with WIR!
Hugs baby boy....
I would comment to each of you but there's not much to add to your kind words and advice. Thanks to all of you and in spite of my head being plugged up, I feel better today.
Cheers!!
Here you... damn, here... damn... maybe if I turn it... damn
Sorry, the jigger of whisky just isn't fitting through the screen.
Matt, I don't know a single person who couldn't relate to that post. It is always acceptable to feel the burden and moan, always. The trick is to not give in to the banshees.
You know this, else you wouldn't have posted. Dreams don't always come true, but the striving for them should never stop.
You can do this. You have the skills and the talent and we believe in you... it's only fair that you cet to pursue your dreams too. ::::insert correctly spelled and inspiring pep-talk::::
Wish I had all the right words at hand.
Marilyn: Ha, you put it just fine and thanks. : )
I can relate, haha. Hang in there, Matt. Wallow in the muck for a bit if you need to. It can be cathartic. But don't stay down there too long. We've got lots of goodwill and humor to spread around.
Lizza: I know. I will wallow in the mud and then start making mudpies to throw about. Cheers!!
You're tough Matt! And you're familiar with the ups and downs of life. You'll land on your feet and you know it. And if not we'll be here to lick your wounds.
AND....i don' mean that sexually!
Bwahahaha!!!
Julie: Why thank Ya!!
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