Richard and Lindsay Roberts Are On Leave, So Let's Do Some Catching Up

Keeping up with all of the shenanigans of Richard and Lindsay Roberts has been a full time job of late. Because of this, I have had trouble staying informed as to other news that is going on in the world.

Fortunately, the Roberts’ story can be put on hold because Richard is taking a leave of absence from the University. I hear that Lindsay is also going to get away for awhile by spending some time at a Boy Scout camp somewhere in North Carolina.

Due to this lull in the apostolic action, I had a chance to catch up on some of the other big stories, but unfortunately I was only half-listening. Also, since I was cramming my mind with the headlines as quickly as possible, I may have misinterpreted and morphed some of the stories together.

Following, is a list of news items that I thought I heard yesterday. If I have gotten them wrong please let me know what the real low down is. Thanks…

George Bush had a press conference and said that if Iran gets nukes we need to prepare ourselves for World War III. That is quite a shocking an provocative statement. I then thought that I heard him say, “Someone pass the orange juice, I have a Martian in my head.” His statements aside, I thought he sounded very coherent for once, but then again I had already polished off the better part of a fifth of Stoli when I tuned in. That may explain the orange juice reference.

I guess the Turks are tired of Kurdish rebels crossing the Iraq/Turkey border and killing Turks, so their government has overwhelmingly approved military incursions into Iraq as early as January 2008. The Bush Administration is pissed about this because it may turn Iraq into a quagmire. We spend time, money, and lives building a beacon of democracy in the Middle East and those wacky Turks want to screw it all up by defending their borders. Ingrates!!

I guess the big news I heard yesterday involved Ellen Degeneres. It seems that Ellen brought a new bitch into her house, but she didn’t keep her because the little bitch didn’t get along with Ellen’s pussy. I guess at that point, Ellen introduced the bitch to her hairdresser’s kids (which I think is disgusting, if not illegal) but they couldn’t have her, which upset all involved. Do we really need to be told the sordid details of Ellen’s melodramatic relationship problems…Jeez, someone tell her to get a dog or something.

One last item…Did I hear correctly that Dick Cheney and Barack Obama are eighth cousins? I guess Lynne “Lover of Lesbian Literature” Cheney revealed this week that Dick and Barack are indeed cousins. I also thought I heard that when Barack was informed of this, he told Hillary Clinton to “Go Fuck Yourself”, and then promptly shot her in the face. I actually find that to be a restrained response considering the sheer horror of the news.

Well folks, even though the Roberts hits keep dominating my page, I will try to restrain myself until new allegations arise. In the meantime, I will focus on more important stories such as Britney and K-Fed’s Bathing Boycott, and continuing coverage of the fact that Princess Diana is still in fact, very much dead.

Until tomorrow and Stream of Consciousness Friday, Cheers!!