I have a few errands to run this morning and then some site tweaking to perform. I felt this would be a good time to re-post a Classic Christmas Tale from the Bagwine archives. Enjoy this heartwarming story about Christmas wishes, near death experiences, and animated, pre-teen carnal desires...I’m nine years old. I am in my bed and it's Christmas Eve. My family, consisting of Mom and Dad, nine of us kids, and a few spouses, has just smoked, drank, and exchanged presents to the point of exhaustion. There is nothing left for me to do but go into a slumber and wait for morning to see what mom and Dad Claus had given me.
My pillows are cool and the bed, soft; I shall sleep well...
As I lie there, in and out of consciousness, my brother John comes in and gets into my brother Marty’s bed. (No, he’s not molesting my brother Marty…Get your mind out of the gutter) Marty must have fallen asleep on the basement couch. I yawn, fix my pillow, and am fast asleep.
I am dreaming about the weather forecasting kit that I had asked for. I see visions of my anemometer spinning in the winter winds, and me carefully marking the changes in pressure with my barometer. In my somnolent world all is well. Suddenly my dream takes me for a dive into a swimming pool.
This nine year old stud is in his swimming trunks splashing around with a scantily clad Veronica from the Archies. As we playfully wrestle and kiss each other on the cheek, I am praying like hell for her top to fall off.
And then, BAM…The splashing noise becomes louder and louder, a discordant mélange of cymbals, tone deaf church bells, and groaning millstones. Veronica is fading, as the tone grows exponentially.
I writhe and force my eyes to stay shut so I can finish my exuberant pre-teen squishy dream. It is no use; the noise extricates me back to reality. I sit up and try to focus on the origin of the cursed noise. It is my brother John.
An orchestra of sound is emanating from his motionless body. Gurgling...Snoring...sounds I had never heard. This is a dirge. My brother is dying. I run to Mom’s room and tell her to hurry...John is dying. She takes my hand and we race to the bedroom. She listens for a second and begins to chuckle.
“Holy Crap what’s so funny? Do something”, I say. “Matt…Maaatt, John’s not dying. He’s grinding his teeth in his sleep; now go back to bed.”
When I awoke Christmas morning, John was still alive, my folks came through with the Weather Forecasting kit, and we had a good laugh over my plight.
But one thing that bugs me to this day, is that December 24, 1974 was my first, best, and sadly, last chance to have pool sex with Veronica Lodge.
Cheers…
NOTE: Check out the Mo Show tonight on BlogTalk Radio. For details click HERE.
31 comments:
I am sure Veronica was totally disappointed also....I seem to remember she went into a funk and quit the band and fell in with the Hell's Angels sometime around then...
Aww sorry about that Matt but I am glad John made it!
Bond: I heard that too. I think she also changed her name and became that mean chick in Josie and the Pussycats. The resemblence is amazing. Cheers!!
Roger: I am almost over Veronica. But man, John is an incredible asshole, and I'll never get over him pulling through. Cheers!!
Matt the weather forniccator I mean forecaster. The five o'clock news would be a lot more enteraining.
Whats with the plethera of pop-ups?
Jeff: It would be wouldnt it. The pop-ups are one of the site tweaks I'll be...um...tweaking with today. Cheers!!
**wonders what Matt's REALLY going to tweak**
Julie: It matters not with what I tweak. I tweak, therefore I am. Cheers!!
Pop ups? I've never had any pop ups with you? Well, I mean, on the blog...
When I tweak, I smile! ;-)
Peace
Songbird: It will only pop-up once a day...Jeff is just trying to impede the beauty that is Commercialism. Cheers!!
Odat: I smile when you tweak too. Cheers!!
Tweaking sounds like fun! When you're done over there, maybe you can tweak me. We can work on the "slow loading" problem at my place. I just want everyone to be able to 'come' to my site if they want to and 'get in' a comment or two.
Who knew I could write porn this early in the day?
Metalmom: I'd love to tweak your blog. Maybe we could speed it up to the point where it loads fast and loads often. I could perform some different functions on your site until it purrs like a kitten. Cheers!!
I am so proud of you for choosing Veronica over Betty!
And your brother must have titanium teeth to grind them that loud and still have em
Starr: Betty was a preppy little do-gooder. I like my cartoon babes to have an edge to them. Kind of like my Lola. Cheers!!
Well, that's Veronica's loss! Poor girl, she's probably still torn up about it! ;)
Real: Maybe it was her loss but I was in a deep funk until Jessica Rabbit came around a few years later. Cheers!!
and I like that you got your weather kit...I just KNEW you were a geek deep down....
Kat: Knock what off? Veronica? I'd love too. And yes, I would be a meteorologist today if weren't for two words..."Math" and "Physics". Cheers!!
I should have been a meterologist... only I don't have the body for it. Those weather girls are all hotties.
Marilyn: You would be fine because you always put out a warm front and deal well with both High and Low Pressure. Cheers!!
Hey, now, I was a preppy little do-gooder in high school, and I'll betcha that you still woulda wanted to score with me.
Pfffffft...
Songbird: Naaaah. I wasn't into pre-marital sex. Until, I realized that it was only pre-marital sex if I eventually married them. Cheers!!
Did you ever go back for a dip in the pool with Wonder Woman
Jamie: Mmmmmmmm. Nice pic, and you know I saved it. I always wanted WW to tie me down with her lasso of truth. Cheers!!
Poor Veronica...pffft! She'll never know what she missed.
That must have been some serious grinding...almost sends shivers up my spine trying to imagine what that sounded like.
Jillie: Jughead stopped by the other day and said that she still regrets it.
I was only nine at the time and I had never heard anything like that. It was LOUD and GRUESOME. Cheers!!
I'm surprised that YOU didn't kill him for waking you up ... you know having that squishy dream and all...
Dixie: He was much older, bigger, and meaner than I. And plus, does a guy wanna attack another guy while sporting a woody. Not a good look. Cheers!!
Hmmmmm...I wonder if I can talk someone into a little tweaking this evening...
What? Oh! Did I say that out loud?
Nevermind.
It was so Veronica's loss!
Travis: You rogue you. Cheers!!
Mimi: Damn straight. Great chat last night. Cheers!!
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