Hanukkah: The Other White Holiday

Being a man of open mind and open arms, I want to take some time today to embrace our Bagwine friends who get little mention. Last night, at sundown, the celebration of Hanukkah began. It is also referred to as Chanukah, The Festival of Lights, and around these parts, better known as, “That Jew Day”.

As I am always attempting to enlighten my readership, I feel it incumbent upon myself to shed some light on this holiday and demystify it. First of all, Hanukkah is not “That Jew Day”. It is in fact, “That Jew Week”. That’s right, unlike us Genitals who celebrate for merely an Eve and a Day in December, those of the Hebrew persuasion get to party on for an entire week.

Poor little Christian families wake up Christmas morning, open their presents, pretend to give a shit about the little baby Jeebus, and as quickly as it began, the kids are asleep, Mom and Dad are drunk, and the celebration is over.

Jewish families extend their celebration…Eight whole days of eating latkes and ponchkes…An entire week of spinning dreidels, guzzling Mogen and David, and receiving some serious gelt. Those are some lucky Jew kids. Of course a week of celebrating has its drawbacks as well.

See, on Christmas Day, you can get your family in and out in a matter of hours. Oh sure, Hanukkah may be eight days of presents, but it can also be an unending week of listening to Uncle Reuben complaining about the quality of the corned beef, cousin Jacob whining about the choice of caterer for his upcoming bar mitzvah, and aunts Esther and Ruth arguing over the amount of the cab tip. Oy Vay!!

Fun, games, and food abound during the Hanukkah festivities but we mustn’t forget the sacred roots that are responsible for all of this Jewish jocularity. A long time ago, the Selucid King, Antiochus IV Epiphanes, raided some Holy Temple, plundered it, and had Jewish slave labor erect a statue of Zeus. For whatever reason, this didn’t sit well with the Hebrew populous.

Later, the local Jewish group, known as the Maccabees, stormed the Temple and defeated the King’s army. To celebrate, they rededicated the Temple with a Festival of Lights. They lit a candle which was supposed to burn for one day, and amazingly it burned for eight (today's menorah). They saw this not only as a sign of the Almighty, but it also began the Jewish tradition of making shrewd business decisions.

To sum up, I guess we can see the Maccabees as the Jewish Santa Claus. The Maccabees defeated a mighty army which led to joy and celebration much like when our beloved Saint Nick defeated the Visigoths at The Battle of Waterloo in 1492 and afterwards handed out figs and remote controlled race cars to all of the kids.

So there you have it. I hope my research and dissertation on this joyous holiday has been helpful. If you are a teacher, feel free to duplicate this page, pass it on to your students, and have a discussion that will surely lead to better understanding and cultural awareness.

Happy Hanukkah to all, and to all, Lochaim!!