A Week Of Weighty Issues

There is so much going on in our world right now that I am just not sure what I should write about. It’s the first full week of December and Don Imus makes his return to radio today. Ho Ho Ho. Hugo Chavez’s ballot initiative that would have allowed him to become President for Life and socialize Venezuela was defeated.

The college football bowl season has been set, Christmas is just around the corner, and in spite of a recent snowstorm, the Iowa political scene is reaching a fever pitch. If the polls are accurate, on the Dem side, it is better to be black than to be a candidate with a rack. The GOP polls show that Hawkeye state Republicans prefer a backwoods Evangelical over a millionaire Mormon, or a Big Apple Catholic.

Like I said, so much going on, but to me there is one news story that stands above all others in importance. The U.S. Surgeon General has brazenly come out and told Santa Claus to lose weight.

U.S. Surgeon General, Rear Admiral (obviously a proctologist) Steven K. Galson has said that Santa’s generous girth is no laughing matter. He states that Santa, due to his jolly, quaking, quivering belly is a poor role model for children.

I am outraged. Who does this guy think he is? What gives him the right? And most importantly, how in the hell is it possible to be both a General AND an Admiral!!?

Santa has been and always should be portly. So what if he spends the off season eating greasy reindeer burgers, spumoni ice cream, and Keebler Cookies…when Christmas Eve comes around he suits up, circumnavigates the globe, and delivers the goods to sweet little children. Let’s see Dr. Galson do that. Galson couldn’t hold Santa’s bag. Literally and figuratively.

If I went to a Mall and saw a skinny Santa, I wouldn’t wonder about what the kids were asking for; I would be wondering whether the Santa was addicted to drinking Sterno or smoking crack. If there is anything that I don’t need in my life, it is any additional confusion. Leave my belief system alone and let Santa be Santa.

Santa has been screwed by the political correctness police so much of late. He no longer smokes his pipe…He is not allowed to say, “Ho, Ho, Ho” and now he is supposed to go on a diet.

If I was Santa and busted my ass crawling down a family’s chimney and my only reward was to be greeted by a plate of celery sticks and skim milk, I wouldn’t be leaving presents; I would raid the refrigerator and leave a big old Santa dump on their kitchen floor.

So to all of you whiny ass, tofu eating busybodies and "victimized" parents everywhere, I am sorry if your kid is fat, but that’s your fault not Santa’s. Take the feed bag off of your child and send him or her out to play.

And as for you, Mr. Steven K. Galson. I saw Santa’s list. I checked it twice. Your name was nowhere to be found. Ahhhhh, I love the sugarplum sweetness of Jolly Justice.

Cheers!!