I received an award yesterday... Penelope Anne of Café at the End of the Universe honored me with the “Everyday Kindness Award”. (Ed. Note: Evidently her husband picked up her prescription.)
I am not big on awards because I receive so many everyday in the form of you, my readers, leaving your touching, provocative, and thoughtful comments on my post. (Ed. Note: I looked up the phrase “suck ass”…your picture was there.)
But Penelope, thank you, I was moved. The honor made me step back and ponder about my efforts to be kind. It’s a good time to do so since my 43rd birthday on February 7th is only days away. (Ed. Note: Shameless…Gratuitous, adjectives. Definition: q.v. “Matt-Man”.)
For instance, my son and I went to lunch yesterday. He was telling me about the great time he and his friends had at the slumber party the night before.
I relayed to him the uplifting story about the 14 hours I put in at the local soup kitchen over the weekend. (Ed. Note: HA…Hittin' On Homeless Chicks again, dickhead?)
The father/son interaction was rewarding, but the food we were served at
Ryno’s omelet looked as though it had been put through a brush chipper. The little guy was not too impressed. Oh sure, I could have made a stink about it…made a scene. But by letting the incident pass I taught my son two things…
One, even in the face of adversity, be kind…be civil. And number two, “Better to stomach a bad omelet, than to have your stomach cut open by a cook fresh out on parole and making $6.75/hour.” (Ed. Note: Confucius just wept.)
Sure, there have been times when an angry person has threatened me and I have wanted to respond like a Chinese production of Roger and Hammerstein’s, “Okrahoma!” by conducting a little “Chin-Music” on his face with my fists... (Ed. Note: Chinese? Okrahoma? Chin-Music? Did you come up with that while you were taking a crap?)
HA!! I thought of that line while in the bathroom this morning. (Ed. Note: I fucking knew it.) But, I have always taken the high road in those situations.
Hell, as you can see, my Editor is giving me quite the hassle this morning. I will not succumb to his provocation...
Instead, I opt to turn the other cheek and be kind. Not only is that the right thing to do, but since my editor and I are the same person, I don’t want to have to kick my own ass. (Ed. Note: Pussy!!)
So folks, today, even if you are a bit grumpy and perhaps your life isn’t anywhere close to where you would like it to be (Ed. Note: Sound familiar, Matty-Boy?) take a minute and be kind to someone. After all, just like syphilis, kindness is infectious.
Cheers!! (Ed. Note: As soon as you publish your post, see me in my office, and bring you keys to the building with you.)
49 comments:
Dana: Don't sell yourself short. I am certain that you do speak for the majority, if not all of my readers. Cheers!!
Good thing you didn't complain about the food...someone might have spit (or worse) on it before sending it back!
Metalmom: A little spit may have improved the taste. Cheers!!
Damn~~ Sorry for the gastric nightmare at B.E. I will call corporate and give um a piece of my mind... Maybe then porn will show up on the place mats?
Cheesy: Thanks for the help. Maybe you could get them to put nekkid pics of the 2007 Ohio Pork Queen on the mats. She's a Babe. Cheers!!
You're channeling Vinny's voices, you dickhead. Stop it. NOW.
You're scaring me. There's only so much paranoia to go around, and I think Vinny's got the market on that one.
As for the kindness, well....hmmmm...
I worked in a restaurant off and on for 12 years.... don't send the food back unless there's a finger in it!
Sweet Chin Music is an actual wrestling move, performed by the delicious Shawn Michaels! *drool*
Songbird: The day I channel Vinny is the day I slit my wrists. Cheers!!
Leighann: I worked food service all through High School. We never tainted the food...Really.
Shawn Michaels...Yeah, my son has told me all about him. I kicked his ass once. Michaels, not my son. Cheers!!
I thought kindness was like Herpes...The Gift That Keeps On Giving. My bad.
And "Chin Music?" Really, Matt? Really??
Starr: Using a hepres reference would have struck too close to home.
Chin Music? Ha...I was rather amused with myself with that line. Cheers!!
I'm sure you did.... and then you woke up, right?
:D
Leighann: No, I didn't "just wake up"...I was day dreaming. Cheers!!
So no Bob Evans, huh? That'll learn ya.
Just made my plane reservations for Ohio for this summer. Fourth of July, baby, I'll be Medina County again. You and Schmoop outta drive up and see me.
Songbird: We went to Bob's but they let us down. I can't come up on the Fourth of July proper because I spend the day masturbating while looking at a picture of Betsy Ross. So American. Cheers!!
LMAO @ Okrahoma. I like mine fried.
You have an editor? Hmmm .... I thought YOU were the boss around here. Turns out you're just staff. Like the janitor. Or is that part of your job description too?
Oh well, I guess I'll take your advice and be nice. Even to the hourly people. ;-)
Real: Ha...Y'know? Other than tiny pieces in soup, I dont think I have ever had okra. Fried or otherwise. Cheers!!
Jay: My alter-ego is my editor. or is that my regular ego? I keep forgetting who is actually in charge. Cheers, and yes, be nice!!
I'll leave you to Betsy, but I'm there for two weeks. You decide.
Oh, and did you go to the Bob Evans by the Motel 6 off of I-70 near Dayton (maybe the Fairborn exit?). They've never failed us.
Songbird: 10-4. No we went to one of the ones in town. Cheers!!
108: I've heard that. Cheers!!
When you turn the other cheek, make sure to wipe. If I know you there's some Spam-by-product on it.
Look, matt-man, there are just so many bloggers to give these awards to so you'll just have to accept another from me "The Excellent Blogger Award!!
Jeff: There is usually SPAM juice on my face and some gooey stuff in my hand. Cheers!!
Teach: I am not worthy, not worthy. But I'll accept it nonetheless. Cheers!!
Sometimes syphilis and kindness are exactly the same. They can both suck (no pun intended). You are a hoot Matt-Man. Have a great day filled with syphilis and kindness. Bwahahahahah. :)
Face it.. we know you're a big softie.
Sandee: Somehow knowing that you appreciate my STDs makes me closer to you. Cheers!!
Anndi: That may be true, but sometimes I am a softie at the most inopportune time in parts of my body that I would rather not see it. Cheers!!
Are you going to kick yourself out of your apartment?
Marilyn: Lord No...The only way that would happen is if Schmoop kicks me out. But thanks for putting that scenario into her mind. Cheers!!
Why Matt-man, I think these award givers like you, they really like you.
But what's not to like? You are certainly witty, and mostly charming, oh so hot in your thong (you must be hot if you are wearing that), have interesting bathroom habits you just love to share, and lastly, you are a, ummm, one-of-a-kind chef!
Just doing my part spreading the infection....
Lisa: HA...I don't care if you mean it or not. I want you to write my campaign brochures, and my obituary after I pass on to that big paper bag in the sky. Cheers!!
So, how did the meeting with the Editor go?
Note - Papa Bear did not pick up meds, I am one bitchy Mama Bear today with a throbbing headache!!!!
Off to get meds tonight.
You talk to yourself so well, but damn it you are kind....like it or not, you have said things to lift me up when I needed it....and I am not kissing your ass at the moment, incapable of that unless well medicated :)
Penelope: I hope your bitching subsides tonight. And in all seriousness, thank you very much for your kind words. I appreciate that quite a bit. Cheers my friend!!
Ain't much worst then a shitty Breakfast! Just not the way to start your day. Why can the worst "Hole in the wall" make a damn good breakfast.
Al: Greasy, beat up old diners rock. Cheer smy good man!!
Tell me you at least got an after dinner mint...
VE: No I didn't. Sunzabitches. Customer Service has hit a new low. Cheers!!
Kindness is like a basket of small warm fuzzy kittens.
Its a lot more fun if you get it at the batting cage...
Batter up!
Doc: The Huckster's campaign is fading and mine is just beginning. I think we see who The Almighty is smiling upon. Cheers!!
Dirk: Cute, cuddly, kittens not only make for great batting practice...They're delicious as well. Cheers!!
My kindness was not running over the soccer mom who couldn't seem to decide what side of the aisle she wanted to be on with her cart. Get the hell out of my way!
I don't think you're channeling Vinny's voices. I just think you've decided to stop subjugating your inner lunatic.
Why let your outer lunatic have all the fun?
Cheers!
Oh I see how you are.... yup... sure the hell do...
I set up a campaign headquarters for you here in TN and I give you the You Cheer Me Up Award and you don't say one damn thing about it...
FINE!!!!!!
I'm closing the headquarters doors as soon as I hit the send button!
SMOOCHES~
Can you still walk?
Congratulations on the award, Matt-Man.
My experience: the time a father spend with a child is the greatest of all joys.
Hey you are nice guy Matt! Cheers!!
Raven: That was nice of you becuase in my book that is something that invites abuse. I hate that. Cheers!!
Travis: That was an excellent observation. You should be my staff psychologist. Cheers!!
Dixie: I sent you a check instead it should be there soon. And, I can see myself cheering someone up, but kind? I found that ironic. Cheers!!
Kila: Not too well, but that's just because of old age. Cheers!!
Nick: I whole-heartedly agree Mr. Nick. Cheers!!
Roger: You may have spoken too soon; I have a favor to ask of you. Cheers!!
The "2007 Ohio Pork Queen"? Oh there are so many responses to that line I don't know where to begin.
Yup, a little kindness around the little ones is a fine answer. I presume as soon as the R man was out of earshot an appropriate call was given to head office?
Boy: We actually do have a "Pork Queen", sad isn't it. As far as contacting the corporate office, that will be taken care of today. Cheers!!
Matt - your editor and I need to have a little sit down and talk - after all, a creative genius such as yourself shouldn't be stifled, nor should he be subjected to the regular "rules" of writing.
Should you need representation, please see my law firm of Wei, Gettem-Good, and Howe.
SMOOCHES.
Post a Comment