I was greeted this morning with a divine message from the Almighty about my Presidential campaign. It came in the form of numbers. Numerals that is, not the fourth book of the Bible that bears that stupid name. After all, the Bible is the Good Book, not the Math Book.
Anyway, God parlayed the following information unto me…
George W. Bush has only 359 days left in office, and he has only 1 State of the Union address to give which is tomorrow.
In 10 days, I go completely meatless until Easter Sunday. My birthday takes place 11 days from now…
359+1+10+11 = 381...Aha!!
It took me a minute to decipher exactly what the Lord meant, and then, I saw the light…
Letter 3 of the alphabet is “C”…Letter 8 is “H”…Letter 1 is “A”.
That spells CHA…Which of course is one half of the name of a particular dance style. And what is required of one half of a couple who dance?
Someone to LEAD!!
Boy Howdy, I have been divinely hand picked by the Great, Jealous, Grand Poobah of Salvation and Smiting himself. Take that Mr. Huckabee…I’ll expect you to start tithing 10% of your income to my campaign soon.
But first, let us bow our heads…
Lord, please forgive the Clintons for their racial invectives cast upon Barack Obama. The All-Knowing Media has made it clear…
When Hillary or Bill state that Barack isn’t experienced enough yet to lead our country, they are actually using a coded term meaning, “Hey whitey, don’t elect somebody who should be shining your shoes.”
Father, seek the hearts of Senator Obama’s supporters and help them to realize that he isn’t Martin Luther King Jr. While, Obama is an exciting orator and full of charisma much like the late Dr. King, he lacks three essential things that MLK possessed…
Courage, conviction, and a set of balls big enough in order to take a stand or cast a vote upon important and oft times divisive issues.
Almighty…The Republican Florida Presidential Primary is drawing nigh, please, for their own sakes and the sake of us all, tell the GOP candidates to follow the teaching of the Book of Job:
“If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom.”
Job 13:5
For all of this, Lord Hear Our Prayer…
Amen, and Amen.
I have decided that our Sunday Disservices need a little music. And therefore I am going to start having a little church music on Sundays.
I have always had an affinity for Aussie bands…Men at Work, INXS,
The group providing today’s miraculous music is appropriately enough, named, The Church, singing their 1981 song, "Unguarded Moment".
Enjoy the song, and your Sunday.
Cheers!!
NOTE: Listen to Turnbaby Talks on BlogTalk Radio tonight at 8 EST. For details, click HERE.
55 comments:
Thanks for the service Matt... It pisses me off when Bill Clinton can basically claim that he is blacker than Obama... If anyone else said that Al Sharpton would be on them (and pardon the expression)like white on rice.
Doc: You are more than welcome. Thanks for praying along...With all due respect though, my good Doc, I don't recall Bill saying anything like that. Cheers!!
"Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue. " -Proverbs 17:28
On that note, I think I'll keep silent so that I can be thought wise!
Oh the lessons offered in your Sunday Morning Church Disservice.
Dana: Youu are quite the sage Dana. Well, compared to me and my bufoonery. Cheers, and thanks for attending!! Pax Vobiscum...
As Chief Of Staff Of Campaign Promises I must correct your interpretation of the numbers passed to us by the Lord..
The letters CHA do not stand for one half of a dance style...
No, and everyone say hallelujah, what they are showing you is the first three letters in the name of the person the Lord has selected as your running mate.
Yesterday, the theme of our campaign was revealed IT IS TIME TO PARTY AMERICA... Bringing back the time of partying will bring us back to HAPPY DAYS and yes, the running mate selected by the Almighty was part of the cast of that TV show, playing the part of CHACHI...
All come welcome SCOTT BAIO!
And Finally, please do not feel bad about missing the message given to you by the Lord... you just had an "Unguarded Moment"...
and that is why you have selected me Chief Of Staff Of Campaign Promises
=]
Bond: Obvious over use of drugs on The Sabbath is unacceptable to the integrity of this campaign.
Since you hired yourself into that position, please fire yourself.
Amen, and Cheers!!
Bond: (see above)
You will regret that decision....
I am shocked by you disregard for the obvious meaning of the numbers...
shocked I say...
walks away with my dignity in tact
Bond: It was a painful decision, but the right one. Here, have a bumper sticker. Cheers!!
Jealousy is an ugly trait in a candidate...
just saying.....
Bond: pffffttttt...
I'll cha cha with you anytime Matt-man! (for a price that is) ;-)
(I hope I didn't catch you off guard, that would be hard to do).
Peace
Odat: Here's a dollar...Strike up the band, and let's get jiggy with it. Cheers pal!!
Just remember (and we will stop upping your comment count after this)...
When you were snuggling in bed with Mike Huckabee...all googily eyed over him, we kept telling you he was Satan...you did not listen... and THEN...your eyes were opened and you saw him for what he was... a true Satanic figure...you still suffer from that association
We now give you a perfectly brilliant interpretation of your message from the Lord and you cast us aside once again...
Over and over, our only focus has been to ensure your emerging from this season of campaigning unscathed...not concerned for our safety, but for yours...the man we have backed from the beginning...we were your G. Gordon Liddy...your Oliver North...
and yet you cast us aside...you treat us as a leper...
ye of little faith
"News Flash...There was a slight ripple in the soon to be Presidential elect Matt-Man's campaign circle today."
Vinny aka Bond in a crack induced episode tried to speak in tongues and decifer the Lord's wisdom to the nest leader of our country.
In a coded message to his now ex Chief of Staff of Campaign Prommises Mr. -Man said the following:
"Kiss my hairy white ass sir."
We hope the tension between these two (fine?) men can be resolved quickly and that Mr. -Man will promptly shave his rear end.
That is all for now,
Bond: G. Gordon Liddy, and Oliver North...Fine upstanding human beings both. Ai Yi Yi. Cheers!!
Jeff: Screw shaving my ass...I have scheduled myself for a Brazillian Wax job session. Cheers and OUCH!!
Is that wax or whacks job?
Those brazillians can be damn hot!
Jeff: They are indeed. If elected, Brazil will be one of my first good will tour destinations. Cheers!!
Sunday morning without Matt, would simply not be a Sunday morning....I need your twisted brand of logic to make my life seem sensible.
You are the chosen one!
Mama: I try to feed the spiritual needs of the masses as best I can. Saving minds and souls is not just a calling for me, it's purely accidental...Let It Be Done. Cheers!!
Oh my!! Come come now boys--don't air your dirty laundry in public ;-)
TB: I like to be open. If that involves hanigng my soiled underwear out to dry in the public square, so be it. Cheers!!
I LOVE The Church. Radio only ever plays Under The Milky Way.
As to the blacker than Obama comment, Bill did NOT make it. It was Andrew Young, UN Ambassador and Civil Rights Leader. And it was Toni Morrison who called him the first black president. While I understand that the Clintons have detractors, it would be easier to take them seriously if they actually researched quotes before attributing them in a negative way.
Cha is neither a dance nor a running mate. You both have fallen short of the glory of God.
He who speaks from on high, leaning down to whisper in this lowly prophets ear has clarified the issue into a tea of many flavors
No Halves. No beginnings, but rather the coming together in a comforting whole essence of support to your candidacy.
Drink deep of his wisdom.
Starr: I like Under the Milky Way, but this is probably my favorite.
And silly woman, you expect people to actually do research before attacking someone? That's so old fashioned. Cheers!!
Jamie: "Cha"...Half of "Cha-Cha". Your comment by the way, was very sagacious and poetic. I'm not used to that on here. Thanks for driving the CQ people over here. Cheers!!
Matt-Man Great disservice today!
I'm not completely sure if God was giving you code for a dance. After delving into this matter, I believe it just might be part of the famous "CHA_CHING" expression.
In essence it is an auto response sigh that a typical money hungry woman will make when spotting a wealthy man. The opportunity itself brings on this trance-like state and the "cha-ching" sound is heard aloud although it was originally meant to be manifested in the sayer's own mind.
Al: Thanks my good man. Not a bad theory, but you mentioned that a wealthy man has to be involved. That certainly doesn't apply to me. Cheers!!
Cha huh? Well, whatever works for you. Bwahahahahah. You are a hoot. I so feel the Lord after this wonderful disservice. Bwahahahahahah. Have a great Sunday yourself. I'm going to go have a beer now. :)
Sandee: I'm glad that your spirits have been lifted. Now go and enjoy your liquid spirits. Cheers!!
Nice service brother Matt, I need you to approve a message on my site.
Thanks for the enlightenment, Matt-Man. If I had the time (and the inclination) I would critique your deciphering of God’s numerological message in more depth than this single verse of Scripture: Psalms 50:9.
Roger: Will do buddy. I'll be over shortly. Cheers!!
Nick: Thanks Nick. But please, leave my bullocks and goats alone. Cheers!!
No..it's no good. I can't concentrate while my kids are discussing the bowel movements of wild animals. I'll come back another day when they are asleep.
Hey that code does work lol! Glad you like it, good luck to you!!
Cathy: Ha...Sounds like a conversation that I would enjoy participating in. Cheers!!
Roger: Yes it does Roger, thanks. I need you to do a couple of other things. I'll email you. I'll pay you for all of your good work in the form of a Bagwine T-Shirt. Cheers!!
Coooool!
Roger: Thanks Raj. I appreciate this and all the other stuff you've done. I'll be in touch. Cheers!!
Are you sure you weren't being warned about chafing?
Perhaps it's a sign that you should appeal to the folks at Gold Bond Medicated Products for your next endorsement. You know they've been providing trusted, quality skin care solutions for nearly 100 years.
I'm just saying.
Travis: I'm positive...Anyway, Gold Bond just dries ya out. It's bad enough here in Ohio with the weather drying me out. I don't need any additional help. Cheers!!
hmm you said something about choosy godS.. which makes me think plural. where are your koran quotes? that would have my hijab wearing ass voting for you!!!
Two words....
SCOTT BAIO
Tequila: "I will make it go away
can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
these feelings will be gone
these feelings will be gone..."
There's your Koran quote...Oh wait, that was KORN not the Koran. I'll get back with ya on that. Cheers!!
Bond: Scott Baio is nothing more than a Willie Aames wannabe. Cheers!!
All I want to know Matt-man is "How old is that lead singer of The Church? Twelve? Geez! I have Roger's animated gif of your presidency up on my blog - looks good.
Teach: Thanks Mary...And if the guy was 12 when this was recorded he's at least 39 now. Cheers!! I'll be by for tea and your words of wisdom soon.
Never even missed me, didya?
Songbird: Why? Where'd ya go? Cheers!!
Off foolin' around with someone NOT YOU.
Songbird: That hurts me. Cheers!!
That Job was one smart person, though to bad he could not spread that wisdom to that speech giver tomorrow night
Sparky: Maybe since it's Dubya's last one, they will have subtitles so we can understand him. Cheers!!
Hey, man... don't be dissin' the Wiggles. If not for them, my dishes would never get done.
108: Well, I guess that is a valid point coming from a mother of young kids. Cheers!!
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