Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Sleeping With Satan

A cold, rainy Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio.

Praise Jeebus and join me in asking him to straighten my crippled back.

The reason I am so late this morning is that I had to run over to Ryno’s for a minute AND my back is contorted.

Typically I sleep on the short couch that we have.


The couch allows me to sleep with my feet and legs elevated. It also affords me privacy during my wet dreams.

Well, last night I slept in…The Bed. The Bed. From. Fricking. HELL!!!!

The Devil’s Bed!!

It never fails. For some reason, that bed has never liked me. It gnaws at my skin, sinew, and marrow whenever I lie in it.

It likes Schmoop only slightly more. It’s evil…pure evil.

I am walking around this morning like Quasimodo…Crippled, hunched, and gutturally uttering expletives as I move through the abode.

You may know that I picked up a P/T job. I work at a Beverage Drive-Thru. It’s perfect for me; I sell beer, wine, and smokes. Yum.

The hours are sweet, four weekday evenings 5-9. But on Sundays, I work 11-7.

The one day I work eight hours, is the one day that I awake feeling as though Orson Wells sat on my back for eight hours while eating a bucket of chicken.

Let’s just hope that not too many folks come through wanting cases of beer. I hope it’s a 12-Pack kinda day.

Amen, and Amen.

And now for our Sunday Serenade. In honor of the bed from Hell, why not a song about burning beds.

Ladies and Gentlemen, from the land down under, Midnight Oil





Cheers!!

If you get the chance, listen to Turnbaby's Blog Talk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT. For details, click HERE.

43 comments:

Dana said...

For some reason, that bed has never liked me.

You don't suppose it has anything to do with random releases of bodily gasses/liquids do you?? Just askin' ...

Matt-Man said...

Dana: It couldn't be, because all of releasing of bodily fluids and gasses are quite intentional. Cheers!!

The Absurdist said...

I freakin' hate beds like that. My dad's guest bed is like that, and I am crippled for days...

Matt-Man said...

Abs: They could use this bed for torture down in Gitmo. Cheers!!

Turnbaby said...

Was it the bed or what went on inthe bed ;-)

Jeff B said...

When I got up this morning (got out of bed that is) I clicked on Bagwine and didn't see a new post. I quickly ran to the window to see if the sun was still hanging in the sky. Alas there it was and now here you are. All is right with the planet once again.

Cheesy said...

Matt~~ So sorry my friend.. I had a bed that was hard as nails for years and years and finally replaced it a bit ago.. I wubba me some temperpedic!!
Had to save my pennies for a VERY long time. Sometimes it's good to be old!
[Got a little relief for you today over at dark thoughts]

Matt-Man said...

TB: Deinitely the bed. I think it was manufactured by the Spanish Inquisition. Cheers!!

Jeff: Life is good, isn't it. Cheers!!

Cheesy: I think the problem is that it isn't hard enough. The bed, that is. Cheers!!

Jamie said...

Since you are cruelly afflicted on this blessed day, I thought a reason to keep drinking might be in order

Temperance

Desert Songbird said...

So sorry you're contorted today, my friend. I'll pray for your twisted back while I'm at Mass.

Odat said...

Awwww...hope ya feel better soon...good song choice... ;-)

Peace

Micky-T said...

I agree, good song!

Get you some 800 mil Ibuprofin.
That will straighten your back.

I've been snacking on them for the last two weeks!

Have good work day Matt!

Jay said...

Maybe you should buy a hospital bed so you can adjust it to any position you want. It's great for sex too. Just push the up and down buttons on the remote and all you have to do is lie there. ;-)

Winter said...

My bed is evil too. It's too hard. I fixed it by sticking an air mattress on top. Now it's tolerable, altho the feral brothers and their prego girlfriend sometimes pop it.

I feel ya on the back thingy. Orson's been snacking on mine for almost 2 weeks now.

rxvenomqueen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rxvenomqueen said...

What an appropriate song for your blog! I feel for you as I too know what it's like to walk around with a screwed up back.

Kimmie said...

I'm feelin' for you Matt! I have a brand new mattress set with a nice thick soft pillow top. Its heavenly! Sleeping on my old set was pure torture when I was blindsided with Severe RA. This set surely does help ease the pain. I suggest you stay off that bed of yours or you will mess yourself up but good. Sorry friend that you are hurting. I hope your day goes by quick at work and you have an easy time of it.
Smiles,
Kimmie

Ginormous Boobs said...

Martini? Massage? Bath in the jacuzzi tub for 2?

Starrlight said...

I love my bed and it loves me. I particularly love that I get the entire bed to myself. Bet Schmoop pays it off to torture you ;)

How was your YouTube Drinkin fest? You didn't whiskey dick yourself out of that shaved leg action did you?

Mo said...

Well, we always knew you were twisted... er, I mean contorted...
hope you work out a few of those kinks...

cheers,
mo

You can Call me AL said...

I use to have the bed from hell, I feel your pain.
About two years ago, I was stuck in bed for weeks sick as hell. I don't know what was worse, the bed or Montezuma's Revenge from every body orifice.
As soon as I was back on my feet, I went straight to the bed store and bought a new mattress. Well worth every penny!

VE said...

Of course my advice is that you shouldn't screw with your back you should screw with your....nevermind.

Lu' said...

Jeff, I too went for a sip of bagwine this morning and alas I had to go about my daily activities unsatiated for the bag was dry so to speak :( All things pass with time and now the heart if full, all's right with the blogosphere. I have ocassional bouts with sciatica and have a curvature of the spine. I feel our pain brother.

leelee said...

I'm with Cheesy on the wubbin' my tempurpedic. I have often thought if I ever divorced my husband, there would one hell of a custody fight over the bed...so I guess I stick with him ;-)

NOTHING worse then a bad bed..if you have to work 2 P/T jobs to buy a new one...I say do it...

Sorry your back hurt..hopefully you'll be feelin better when you read this comment..

HUGS!!

Another Desert Rat said...

Ugh! Bummer, Quasi - I know the feeling. My bed at Chez Rat is great but the hotel beds (in which I spent a lot of time for work - wait that doesn't sound right... I mean when I travel for work), aren't always so spine-friendly.

Sounds like you need some medicinal bagwine with an ibuprofen chaser.

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Well, you should be done with your long day and I hope it was a 12 pack kind of day. Hope you feel better soon. :)

Matt-Man said...

Jamie: Keep right on drinking Jamie. That's what Sundays are for. Cheers!!

Songbird: You are too kind. Cheers Dear!!

Odat: It's a little better. Liquid meds will help. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Exactly how do you know how well they work for sex? Cheers!!

Winter: Orson is a dirty back breaker. Cheers!!

Rx: Thanks and thanks for stopping by. Cheers to you and your back!!

Matt-Man said...

Kimmie: Thanks and the day went quickly. Time for some libation. Cheers!!

GB: You come up with the best ideas dear. Cheers!!

Starr: Ha. No whiskey dick. But we did get quite looped. Cheers!!

Mo: Thank ya Mo-Man. It's starting to come around. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Al: I hear ya brother. And it's good to see you back. Cheers Al!!

VE: You should start writing, Helpful Hints from Heloise. Cheers!!

Lu: I am sorry to have put a bagless-scare into you. Take care of your back Lu. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Leelee: Ha. Thanks and I should start feelin' better about three glasses of Bagwine from now. Cheers!!

Desert Rat: Ha, you're funny. The bagwine is getting ready to flow. Cheers!!

Sandee: It wasn't too busy. Thanks and Cheers Sandee!!

Jahooni said...

i woke up with a sore back too and neck. maybe because i was at a wedding last night in Laguna Beach (The Hills) and i danced way too much or maybe it was the drinks and dancing and um.... after i got home in the bed, yep that was it, the dang bed always does that doesn't it? ;)~

hope you feel better!

Matt-Man said...

Jahooni: Startin' to feel better. I trust that you had fun. If you need me to loosen your muscles up, just let me know. Cheers!!

Travis said...

I feel your pain.

Well...I don't actually feel your pain. I have my own. What I meant to say was...

Oh hell...feel better soon!

jennifer said...

Aw Matt-Man. Bless your heart. Why do our bodies rebel? Do they not know how young and immature our minds still are?

You need pepper. A BIG sneeze. You will either throw it the rest of the way out or pop it back in. An old Native American remedy that I know.

Not really.

Jennifer

Jahooni said...

i am so ready to be loosed up! rolling my neck back and forth... awwww i so need that.
when will you be here?

Matt-Man said...

Travis: You are such the wordsmith. Cheers Trav!!

Jennifer: Ha. And yet you made it sound like such a credible remedy. Cheers Jennifer!!

Jahooni: Let me hop into the Matt-Mobile, and I'll be right over. I wish I could afford a Matt-Plane. Cheers!!

Sparky Duck said...

Put a 12 pack on your back!

The Teamster said...

some of my best sleep is in the cab of my truck....old jacket as a pillow leaning against the driver's window....feet hanging over the steering wheel....twisted in multiple directions.....

but as contract says....I only sleep 15 minutes on each break and 30 minutes for lunch (in case management reads your blog)

hope your pain goes away

Marilyn said...

The bed I sleep on at the Mother-In-Law's house does that to me. I think she put a sheet of marble between the matress and box-spring just to get back at me... and noise-making springs in the matress so that any fun can be heard throughout the house....

I hope you feel better soon.

Matt-Man said...

Sparky: Hey now that's not a bad idea. Cheers Sparky!!

Teamster: Ha. I'd like to post a picture of that. Thanks and Cheers!!

Marilyn: MILs can be like that. Spouse hating killjoys. Thanks and Cheers Marilyn!!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Remember, Matt-Man: The Son of Man had no place to lay his head. Sleeping in beds can be dangerous. Take your cue from Jeebus.

Matt-Man said...

Nick: Ha. Good advice Nick. I will put it into practice. Cheers!!