Monday, April 14, 2008

The Collar is on the Other Neck

I was thinking the other day…No, seriously, I was.

In fact, I was bowled over by the spontaneous, collective firing of my synapses. When I think, it’s a powerful thing.

Anyway, I thought…


Our entertainment world has Taxi Cab Confessions, True Wife Confessions, and even Postcard Confessions.

Why not turn the tables, and start a segment called, “True Priest Confessions”? Let’s put those guys in the hot seat of gut spillin’.

And so, I called, Our Lady of the Perpetual Bitch Slap Catholic Church, and asked a priest to allow me to interview him.

He acquiesced. In order to protect his identity, I will refer to him only as Father Xavier.

Matt-Man: Father X, you have been a priest for 37 years, have you ever seen or participated in sex with with underage boys?

Father X: My heaven’s noooo. That pedophile thing is a bit overblown, because it makes good TV ratings. None of that goes on around here.

Matt-Man: So there isn’t scandalous sex going on in this Church or this Archdiocese?

Father X: Oh there’s plenty, just not with underage boys. We get our ordained freak on with the nuns and some of the hotter parishioners.

Matt-Man: You have had sex with a nun?

Father X: Many (burp) times, although I’ve tried not to make it a habit. But man, that Sister Agnes Patrice, talk about your Sisters of Charity.

Matt-Man: I notice that your eyes are red, your speech is slurred, and your wine glass is constantly filled. Do you drink a lot?

Father X: This is the blood of Christ for Godssakes, who wouldn’t want to stay drunk on it. I eat a lot of communion wafers too.

Matt-X: You eat a lot…of hosts? Communion wafers?

Father X: Hell yes. I make a mean BLTBC.

Matt-Man: What’s that?

Father X: Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato on the Body of Christ. You get salvation and a full stomach all at once. Those Jew bastards have no idea what they’re missin’.

Matt-Man: Very interesting. Are there any other “scandalous” happenings my readers may be shocked to learn?

Father X: Well, much like in the world of sports, we have (hiccup) had a problem with steroids within the clergy.

Matt-Man: Really? How did you find out about this?

Father X: Well…(burp) excuse me. It seems some weeks ago, Father Callahan’s sermons really started to improve.

Matt-Man: So?

Father X: Well, his homilies had always sucked. People were falling asleep left and right, and then BAM, he began to knock them dead, and the money was pouring in.

Matt-Man: So this proved…

Father X: That was just part of it (belch) But when he got 400 people through the communion line in under two minutes and could do the Stations of the Cross in five minutes flat. We knew.

Matt-Man: Was he punished?

Father X: Hell No. Pilarczyk, the Archbishop, covered it up like he does with everything.

Matt-Man: Anything else before we go?

Father X: Yeah…Fuck Notre Dame, those (hiccup) bastards rejected my application in 1967. The Four Horsemen were gay!! Pass me the Blood of Christ, would ya? God is Dead!!!

Was that interesting or what, folks? If we do another installment of True Priest Confessions, I hope you’ll join me.

Enjoy your Monday, and
Cheers!!

69 comments:

leelee said...

Amazing..I always knew SOMETHING was going on with those Priests and Nuns..I just didn't know what exactlly...finally, the truth is out..thanks to you.

HUGS!!

Matt-Man said...

Leelee: They rationalize it by referring to it as a "religious experience". Cheers!!

Dana said...

I was thinking the other day…No, seriously, I was.

Ummm ... Matt-Man?? Most people call that masturbating, but I'll overlook that today since the rest of your post was so … well … enlightening! Maybe you should "think" before posting everyday, or at least "think" a little longer *wink*

Turnbaby said...

if the collar is on the 'other' neck doesn't that make it a cock ring ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Are you saying that it was something other than my neurons that were exploding? Cheers Dana!!

TB: Leave it to you to cheapen such a thoughtful and spiritual post. Cheers!!

Odat said...

You're on the highway to hell Matt!
But I'm glad, cause ya keep me laffing!!!
Peace

Lu' said...

My first thought was, how many confessions can we here of the Priest saying "if I wasn't supposed to touch him then why did God making him look so lovely in his alter boy robes" Then you touched on the doin' the Sisters aspect. That could be true. They may be married to God but they are screwing the Fathers. They so have a lot of practice kneeling :)

Matt-Man said...

Odat: If it takes me to be eternally damned in order to make you laugh, so be it. Cheers!!

Lu: You should have known I wouldn't take the obvious road. I hear the head Nun is quite Superior. Cheers Lu!!

Roger said...

Oh Matt, you devil!

Matt-Man said...

Roger: Ha...I'll save a seat for ya, Roger. We'll do some fishing down there. Cheers!!

Lu' said...

I heard she doesn't mumble that's for sure. She grabs the serpant by the hand and does he best to suck out the poison.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: You are Hell-Bound. See you there. Cheers!!

Lu' said...

Oh I don't know. If we all went to hell for dirty thoughts, it's not that big is it. Besides don't we just have to bend a knee and rub a few beads to make it all better?

The Absurdist said...

Dude, what's with the advertising before I can get to your site? That SUCKS.

Since I am Episcopalean, we don't have confessional. We are catholics who flunked latin. So we were required to blow our priests for absolution. We knew we were absolved when he screamed "GOD, GOD."

Marilyn said...

Well, it was an original take on it.

metalmom said...

Whenever I think of confessions I remember the smell of church, whiskey, and pepperoni coming from the confessional 'window'.

Bond said...

only you could draw a line between pedophiles, drinking, priests, nuns and gay four horseman and make it into a color by numbers book.

Cheesy said...

Your mind is a dark and scarey place... I'll light a candle~~

Mr. Fabulous said...

Wow...the Catholic Church is pretty much how I imagined...

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...thanks for the gut-laugh this morning! (as usual)....damn, that sister is HOT!

Winter said...

I love it when you think... you're so irreverent. And the pedophile thing is nothing. Fathers screwing Sisters... incest is much more entertaining than little boys.

Desert Songbird said...

Cute.

Jay said...

I think all churches should have an open bar and strippers. That would be perfect. Stripping nuns! Now THAT'S exciting!

Matt-Man said...

Lu: You dirty bead rubber, you. Cheers!!

Abs: It should'nt pop up until 5 visits. Episcopals, Catholic Lite. Cheers!!

Marilyn: Thanks. I think. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Metalmom: And they think they're getting something over on us. Cheers!!

Bond: Thanks my good man. I felt pitcuresques today. Cheers!!

Cheesy: Light a candle, and then join me....PLEASE. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Mr. Fab: Those Crappie Crunchers know how to party. Cheers!!

Phfrankie: Thanks. I would love her to rub my, well, whatever. Cheers!!

Winter: I think I am irreverant; therefore I am. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Songbird: I was expecting a Catholic rebuttal from you. Cheers!!

Jay: You may be on to something. Or on something. Cheers!!

Lu' said...

Here’s an idea for a parody, sung to the tune of K.C. and the Sunshine Band’s Get down tonight.
Bend a little knee
Rub some little beads
Get saved tonight
Get saved tonight
Whata ya think?

Angell said...

K - it's official.

You're going to hell.

And I'm going with you cuz I think this is some of the funniest shit I've read in awhile. (Catholic upbringing be damned!)

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Very good. But let's mix up the second "Get saved tonight" with "get shaved tonight". Cheers!!

Angell: You can sit next to me on the bus. Cheers Angell!!

Micky-T said...

At Saint Marys school in the fifth grade their were a couple of nuns who would always come into the boys room and take good looks.
Once, I was having trouble with my zipper, she pounced over and grabed me to HELP? I don't think so! She was on her knees and stuffing it gently back in with a huge smile on her face.

Lu' said...

ha ha ha, Micky-t they gotta get it where they can.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: And here along I thought they called them Nuns 'cause they didn't get none. Cheers!!

Lu: see above...Cheers!!

Ginormous Boobs said...

Oh Matt, you know I'll be happy to join you.

Matt-Man said...

GB: There's always room for you GB. Cheers and Purrrrrr!!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Hellishly hilarious, Matt-Man. I’ve forward this post to my dear friends as the Archabby of St. Meinrad. I’m sure that even as I type this comment your post is on its way to the Vatican’s Congregatio pro Doctrina Fidei.

Matt-Man said...

Nick: Ha. You crack me up Nick. Thanks for passing it along. I was hoping you would stop by for this post. Have a great day my good man. Cheers!!

Knight said...

Can't wait until the next installment! For some reason this reminded me of an old priest that was a friend of my grandmother. She made him a birthday cake with frosted whiskey bottles on top. Say a little prayer and it's holy! Now where can I get myself one of those nun outfits?

Matt-Man said...

Knight: Your grandmother was such a giving soul. If you want a nun's costume, I'll find one for you. You would look divine in one. Rowrrrr. Cheers!!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Bwahahahahahaha. There is more truth to this than not. Thanks for the laughs Matt-Man. Have a great Monday. Hope you're feeling better. :)

Matt-Man said...

Sandee: I feel much better, thank you. Glad you got a laugh. Cheers!!

Sassy Mama Bear said...

How did you manage to visit, Our Lady of the Perpetual Bitch Slap Catholic Church, my former childhood haunt? Imagine that.
I knew those nuns practiced their ruler wielding somewhere other than just on us poor children. Now I know they were riding the priests bareback and loving it.













Even close to C.O.W. worthy????

Matt-Man said...

Sassy: Ha. Good One. I don't know if it's COW worthy, yet. But you do demonstrate the gratutitous self-promotion that I practice and admire. Cheers!!

Jahooni said...

I have that same outfit! I feel very "holy" when i wear it! ;)~

Matt-Man said...

Jahooni: Don't toy with my affections. If I saw you in that, I would fall to my knees...And never get up ; )~~ Cheers!!

VE said...

Is the body of Christ low cal? I was going to try the sandwhich but don't want a lot of unnecessary carbs you know...

Matt-Man said...

VE: I'm not sure. I don't know how fattening manna is. Let me do some research. Cheers!!

Starrlight said...

Picture, if you will, the confusion of pedophiles all over the world who land in Bagwine lands due to that pedophilia tag. Can't you just see the look on their faces when they come across your thigh pictures?

Figuratively speaking.

I hope :P

Matt-Man said...

Starr: They will be so sad and unfulfilled. Cheers!!

the teach said...

I had to stop at BLTBC when you told me what it was... tears were rolling down my face!! Come visit my MM post. It's about a guy named "Bud." I think you'll laugh! Maybe. Who knows.

jennifer said...

Oh Gosh. I don't want to laugh. I'm a good girl I am. And the harder I try not to the worse I NEED to giggle. WHY oh why do I torture myself with the humor of Matt-Man? My Mother would be so ashamed!

Jennifer

Another Desert Rat said...

Matt-Man: You have had sex with a nun?

Father X: Many (burp) times, although I’ve tried not to make it a habit.

"habit!" ha ha! Did you even know that was funny?

Travis said...

Your irreverance is truly a thing of magic.

Cheers!

Matt-Man said...

Teach: Ha. A good cry from humor is always good. See ya soon. Cheers!!

Jennifer: It's okay to laugh. Humor too, is one of God's gifts. Cheers!!

Desert Rat: Yes I knew that, but you are the only who mentioned it. People either missed it or thought that line was lame. Cheers!!

Travis: You are too kind Travis. Cheers!!

Kimmie said...

So you won't accuse me of being a lurker... :-) I will just say this...

ummm....No Comment! :^)
Smiles,
Kimmie

Hammer said...

Dude! You know father X?

Tell him he still owes me 50 bucks on the Superbowl the deadbeat.

Matt-Man said...

Kimmie: Ha. Your Catholicism is showing through, amidst your, "No Comment". ; ) Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Hammer: I'll let him know, and it's great to see you back. Cheers my good man!!

Kimmie said...

You are so right my dear!
Smiles,
Kimmie

Matt-Man said...

Kimmie: Ha. I know. Cheers!!

Fortune Cookies said...

Brilliant! Truly funny. You must have gone to my Catholic School! ;)

Matt-Man said...

Fortune: Ha. Thanks. I was lucky. I was the last of nine and they could no longer afford to send me to Catholic School. Cheers!!

katherine. said...

Holy Mother of Fuck!

(I'm trying to picture how you'd do the BLTBC....)

As American as Apple Pie said...

As I have latent Catholic issues, that was HYSTERICAL! I'm also a Lutheran so I love any bashing of the perfect (read hypocritical) ones.

Matt-Man said...

Kat: The bread would be a bit crunchy. I wonder if the Body of Christ tastes like chicken? Cheers!!

American: Ha. Thanks. And thanks for stopping by. Enjoy the "blasphemy." Cheers!!

katherine. said...

ewwwwwwww

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Hahahaha...just wonderin'. Cheers!!

katherine. said...

When your world and Mel’s cross over…I start looking for the Horsemen…

Mel‘s Moment with Father X

I cannot beLIEVE Jeff didn’t catch this…

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Ha. Go Figure. Coincidence? Or Divine Intervention!? Cheers!!