I was thinking the other day…No, seriously, I was.In fact, I was bowled over by the spontaneous, collective firing of my synapses. When I think, it’s a powerful thing.
Anyway, I thought…
Our entertainment world has Taxi Cab Confessions, True Wife Confessions, and even Postcard Confessions.
Why not turn the tables, and start a segment called, “True Priest Confessions”? Let’s put those guys in the hot seat of gut spillin’.
And so, I called, Our Lady of the Perpetual Bitch Slap Catholic Church, and asked a priest to allow me to interview him.
He acquiesced. In order to protect his identity, I will refer to him only as Father X
Matt-Man: Father X, you have been a priest for 37 years, have you ever seen or participated in sex with with underage boys?
Father X: My heaven’s noooo. That pedophile thing is a bit overblown, because it makes good TV ratings. None of that goes on around here.
Matt-Man: So there isn’t scandalous sex going on in this Church or this Archdiocese?
Father X: Oh there’s plenty, just not with underage boys. We get our ordained freak on with the nuns and some of the hotter parishioners.
Matt-Man: You have had sex with a nun?
Father X: Many (burp) times, although I’ve tried not to make it a habit. But man, that Sister Agnes Patrice, talk about your Sisters of Charity.
Matt-Man: I notice that your eyes are red, your speech is slurred, and your wine glass is constantly filled. Do you drink a lot?
Father X: This is the blood of Christ for Godssakes, who wouldn’t want to stay drunk on it. I eat a lot of communion wafers too.
Matt-X: You eat a lot…of hosts? Communion wafers?
Father X: Hell yes. I make a mean BLTBC.
Matt-Man: What’s that?
Father X: Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato on the Body of Christ. You get salvation and a full stomach all at once. Those Jew bastards have no idea what they’re missin’.
Matt-Man: Very interesting. Are there any other “scandalous” happenings my readers may be shocked to learn?
Father X: Well, much like in the world of sports, we have (hiccup) had a problem with steroids within the clergy.
Matt-Man: Really? How did you find out about this?
Father X: Well…(burp) excuse me. It seems some weeks ago, Father Callahan’s sermons really started to improve.
Matt-Man: So?
Father X: Well, his homilies had always sucked. People were falling asleep left and right, and then BAM, he began to knock them dead, and the money was pouring in.
Matt-Man: So this proved…
Father X: That was just part of it (belch) But when he got 400 people through the communion line in under two minutes and could do the Stations of the Cross in five minutes flat. We knew.
Matt-Man: Was he punished?
Father X: Hell No. Pilarczyk, the Archbishop, covered it up like he does with everything.
Matt-Man: Anything else before we go?
Father X: Yeah…Fuck Notre Dame, those (hiccup) bastards rejected my application in 1967. The Four Horsemen were gay!! Pass me the Blood of Christ, would ya? God is Dead!!!
Was that interesting or what, folks? If we do another installment of True Priest Confessions, I hope you’ll join me.
Enjoy your Monday, and Cheers!!
68 comments:
Amazing..I always knew SOMETHING was going on with those Priests and Nuns..I just didn't know what exactlly...finally, the truth is out..thanks to you.
HUGS!!
Leelee: They rationalize it by referring to it as a "religious experience". Cheers!!
I was thinking the other day…No, seriously, I was.
Ummm ... Matt-Man?? Most people call that masturbating, but I'll overlook that today since the rest of your post was so … well … enlightening! Maybe you should "think" before posting everyday, or at least "think" a little longer *wink*
if the collar is on the 'other' neck doesn't that make it a cock ring ;-)
Dana: Are you saying that it was something other than my neurons that were exploding? Cheers Dana!!
TB: Leave it to you to cheapen such a thoughtful and spiritual post. Cheers!!
You're on the highway to hell Matt!
But I'm glad, cause ya keep me laffing!!!
Peace
My first thought was, how many confessions can we here of the Priest saying "if I wasn't supposed to touch him then why did God making him look so lovely in his alter boy robes" Then you touched on the doin' the Sisters aspect. That could be true. They may be married to God but they are screwing the Fathers. They so have a lot of practice kneeling :)
Odat: If it takes me to be eternally damned in order to make you laugh, so be it. Cheers!!
Lu: You should have known I wouldn't take the obvious road. I hear the head Nun is quite Superior. Cheers Lu!!
Oh Matt, you devil!
Roger: Ha...I'll save a seat for ya, Roger. We'll do some fishing down there. Cheers!!
I heard she doesn't mumble that's for sure. She grabs the serpant by the hand and does he best to suck out the poison.
Lu: You are Hell-Bound. See you there. Cheers!!
Oh I don't know. If we all went to hell for dirty thoughts, it's not that big is it. Besides don't we just have to bend a knee and rub a few beads to make it all better?
Dude, what's with the advertising before I can get to your site? That SUCKS.
Since I am Episcopalean, we don't have confessional. We are catholics who flunked latin. So we were required to blow our priests for absolution. We knew we were absolved when he screamed "GOD, GOD."
Well, it was an original take on it.
Whenever I think of confessions I remember the smell of church, whiskey, and pepperoni coming from the confessional 'window'.
only you could draw a line between pedophiles, drinking, priests, nuns and gay four horseman and make it into a color by numbers book.
Your mind is a dark and scarey place... I'll light a candle~~
Wow...the Catholic Church is pretty much how I imagined...
...thanks for the gut-laugh this morning! (as usual)....damn, that sister is HOT!
I love it when you think... you're so irreverent. And the pedophile thing is nothing. Fathers screwing Sisters... incest is much more entertaining than little boys.
Cute.
I think all churches should have an open bar and strippers. That would be perfect. Stripping nuns! Now THAT'S exciting!
Lu: You dirty bead rubber, you. Cheers!!
Abs: It should'nt pop up until 5 visits. Episcopals, Catholic Lite. Cheers!!
Marilyn: Thanks. I think. Cheers!!
Metalmom: And they think they're getting something over on us. Cheers!!
Bond: Thanks my good man. I felt pitcuresques today. Cheers!!
Cheesy: Light a candle, and then join me....PLEASE. Cheers!!
Mr. Fab: Those Crappie Crunchers know how to party. Cheers!!
Phfrankie: Thanks. I would love her to rub my, well, whatever. Cheers!!
Winter: I think I am irreverant; therefore I am. Cheers!!
Songbird: I was expecting a Catholic rebuttal from you. Cheers!!
Jay: You may be on to something. Or on something. Cheers!!
Here’s an idea for a parody, sung to the tune of K.C. and the Sunshine Band’s Get down tonight.
Bend a little knee
Rub some little beads
Get saved tonight
Get saved tonight
Whata ya think?
K - it's official.
You're going to hell.
And I'm going with you cuz I think this is some of the funniest shit I've read in awhile. (Catholic upbringing be damned!)
Lu: Very good. But let's mix up the second "Get saved tonight" with "get shaved tonight". Cheers!!
Angell: You can sit next to me on the bus. Cheers Angell!!
At Saint Marys school in the fifth grade their were a couple of nuns who would always come into the boys room and take good looks.
Once, I was having trouble with my zipper, she pounced over and grabed me to HELP? I don't think so! She was on her knees and stuffing it gently back in with a huge smile on her face.
ha ha ha, Micky-t they gotta get it where they can.
Micky: And here along I thought they called them Nuns 'cause they didn't get none. Cheers!!
Lu: see above...Cheers!!
Oh Matt, you know I'll be happy to join you.
GB: There's always room for you GB. Cheers and Purrrrrr!!
Hellishly hilarious, Matt-Man. I’ve forward this post to my dear friends as the Archabby of St. Meinrad. I’m sure that even as I type this comment your post is on its way to the Vatican’s Congregatio pro Doctrina Fidei.
Nick: Ha. You crack me up Nick. Thanks for passing it along. I was hoping you would stop by for this post. Have a great day my good man. Cheers!!
Can't wait until the next installment! For some reason this reminded me of an old priest that was a friend of my grandmother. She made him a birthday cake with frosted whiskey bottles on top. Say a little prayer and it's holy! Now where can I get myself one of those nun outfits?
Knight: Your grandmother was such a giving soul. If you want a nun's costume, I'll find one for you. You would look divine in one. Rowrrrr. Cheers!!
Bwahahahahahaha. There is more truth to this than not. Thanks for the laughs Matt-Man. Have a great Monday. Hope you're feeling better. :)
Sandee: I feel much better, thank you. Glad you got a laugh. Cheers!!
How did you manage to visit, Our Lady of the Perpetual Bitch Slap Catholic Church, my former childhood haunt? Imagine that.
I knew those nuns practiced their ruler wielding somewhere other than just on us poor children. Now I know they were riding the priests bareback and loving it.
Even close to C.O.W. worthy????
Sassy: Ha. Good One. I don't know if it's COW worthy, yet. But you do demonstrate the gratutitous self-promotion that I practice and admire. Cheers!!
I have that same outfit! I feel very "holy" when i wear it! ;)~
Jahooni: Don't toy with my affections. If I saw you in that, I would fall to my knees...And never get up ; )~~ Cheers!!
Is the body of Christ low cal? I was going to try the sandwhich but don't want a lot of unnecessary carbs you know...
VE: I'm not sure. I don't know how fattening manna is. Let me do some research. Cheers!!
Picture, if you will, the confusion of pedophiles all over the world who land in Bagwine lands due to that pedophilia tag. Can't you just see the look on their faces when they come across your thigh pictures?
Figuratively speaking.
I hope :P
Starr: They will be so sad and unfulfilled. Cheers!!
I had to stop at BLTBC when you told me what it was... tears were rolling down my face!! Come visit my MM post. It's about a guy named "Bud." I think you'll laugh! Maybe. Who knows.
Oh Gosh. I don't want to laugh. I'm a good girl I am. And the harder I try not to the worse I NEED to giggle. WHY oh why do I torture myself with the humor of Matt-Man? My Mother would be so ashamed!
Jennifer
Matt-Man: You have had sex with a nun?
Father X: Many (burp) times, although I’ve tried not to make it a habit.
"habit!" ha ha! Did you even know that was funny?
Your irreverance is truly a thing of magic.
Cheers!
Teach: Ha. A good cry from humor is always good. See ya soon. Cheers!!
Jennifer: It's okay to laugh. Humor too, is one of God's gifts. Cheers!!
Desert Rat: Yes I knew that, but you are the only who mentioned it. People either missed it or thought that line was lame. Cheers!!
Travis: You are too kind Travis. Cheers!!
So you won't accuse me of being a lurker... :-) I will just say this...
ummm....No Comment! :^)
Smiles,
Kimmie
Dude! You know father X?
Tell him he still owes me 50 bucks on the Superbowl the deadbeat.
Kimmie: Ha. Your Catholicism is showing through, amidst your, "No Comment". ; ) Cheers!!
Hammer: I'll let him know, and it's great to see you back. Cheers my good man!!
You are so right my dear!
Smiles,
Kimmie
Kimmie: Ha. I know. Cheers!!
Brilliant! Truly funny. You must have gone to my Catholic School! ;)
Fortune: Ha. Thanks. I was lucky. I was the last of nine and they could no longer afford to send me to Catholic School. Cheers!!
As I have latent Catholic issues, that was HYSTERICAL! I'm also a Lutheran so I love any bashing of the perfect (read hypocritical) ones.
Kat: The bread would be a bit crunchy. I wonder if the Body of Christ tastes like chicken? Cheers!!
American: Ha. Thanks. And thanks for stopping by. Enjoy the "blasphemy." Cheers!!
ewwwwwwww
Kat: Hahahaha...just wonderin'. Cheers!!
When your world and Mel’s cross over…I start looking for the Horsemen…
Mel‘s Moment with Father X
I cannot beLIEVE Jeff didn’t catch this…
Kat: Ha. Go Figure. Coincidence? Or Divine Intervention!? Cheers!!
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