It's Conference Time; Where's My Box Lunch?

I have been skidding painfully upon a dry patch in my sex life.

Okay, more than dry…

I’m talking arid, dusty, un-moist…Drier than bed sheets wavin’ on a clothesline in a Death Valley breeze.

I don’t think Schmoop wants to have sex with me. It’s like I truly repulse her of late.

Why do I think this?

Maybe it’s the the way she avoids me. Maybe it’s the look in her eyes as she seems to look past me.

Perhaps, it’s the tone in her voice when she says, “I don’t want to have sex with you, and of late, you truly repulse me.”

Well, don’t get me wrong, I love the Schmoopster, but I’m Matt-Man, Bitches, and I need sex.

So, I have a plan…An itinerary full of the prospects of hot, tawdry, jungle sex.

I’m going on tour…more specifically, the Women’s Conference Tour.

I was looking through the internets yesterday and I was amazed at how many fun-filled conferences for women only are coming up.

For instance, June 20-22 I will be going to Austin, TX. I have booked a room at the Renaissance Hotel where the Texas Council of Women School Executives is taking place.

This is an opportunity to spend three exciting days and nights schooling some sexy female educators in the art of Matt-Man.

Bend over Superintendent Love Muffin, Biology class is in session and the subject tonight is:

The Talented Tongue…Opening Your Flood Gates, and Tossing Your Salad.

After that, I am off to San Francisco for the 2008 BlogHer Conference on July 18-20.

Seventy-Two hours on the bay with hundreds of hot, horny women bloggers in search of template tips, and orgasms to write about.

I’ll provide each and every one of them with a big, enduring post. Feel my hard drive and scroll down on my trouser mouse baby!!

These should be two very spooge extruding events, but come October 2-4, all Hell is gonna break loose.

I’ll be in St. Louis for the Joyce Meyer Ministries Annual Women’s Convention…26,000 divine babes in search of salvation.

Drink of my Bagwine and eat of my flesh, ye of the holy hole; I am here to deliver you from the bondage of bad sex.

Visions of God will abound when they feel the Matt-Siah moving deeply through their “souls”. Amen!!

So there you have it, my next few months will be a period of stiff, sticky, sexual redemption.

Here’s to the women of America, and their “female only” conferences.

I hope you join me tomorrow for a very special Mother’s Day edition of Half-Nekkid Thursday.

Oh yeah, it’s gonna be disturbing.

Cheers!!