Wednesday, May 07, 2008

It's Conference Time; Where's My Box Lunch?

I have been skidding painfully upon a dry patch in my sex life.

Okay, more than dry…

I’m talking arid, dusty, un-moist…Drier than bed sheets wavin’ on a clothesline in a Death Valley breeze.

I don’t think Schmoop wants to have sex with me. It’s like I truly repulse her of late.

Why do I think this?

Maybe it’s the the way she avoids me. Maybe it’s the look in her eyes as she seems to look past me.

Perhaps, it’s the tone in her voice when she says, “I don’t want to have sex with you, and of late, you truly repulse me.”

Well, don’t get me wrong, I love the Schmoopster, but I’m Matt-Man, Bitches, and I need sex.

So, I have a plan…An itinerary full of the prospects of hot, tawdry, jungle sex.

I’m going on tour…more specifically, the Women’s Conference Tour.

I was looking through the internets yesterday and I was amazed at how many fun-filled conferences for women only are coming up.

For instance, June 20-22 I will be going to Austin, TX. I have booked a room at the Renaissance Hotel where the Texas Council of Women School Executives is taking place.

This is an opportunity to spend three exciting days and nights schooling some sexy female educators in the art of Matt-Man.

Bend over Superintendent Love Muffin, Biology class is in session and the subject tonight is:

The Talented Tongue…Opening Your Flood Gates, and Tossing Your Salad.

After that, I am off to San Francisco for the 2008 BlogHer Conference on July 18-20.

Seventy-Two hours on the bay with hundreds of hot, horny women bloggers in search of template tips, and orgasms to write about.

I’ll provide each and every one of them with a big, enduring post. Feel my hard drive and scroll down on my trouser mouse baby!!

These should be two very spooge extruding events, but come October 2-4, all Hell is gonna break loose.

I’ll be in St. Louis for the Joyce Meyer Ministries Annual Women’s Convention…26,000 divine babes in search of salvation.

Drink of my Bagwine and eat of my flesh, ye of the holy hole; I am here to deliver you from the bondage of bad sex.

Visions of God will abound when they feel the Matt-Siah moving deeply through their “souls”. Amen!!

So there you have it, my next few months will be a period of stiff, sticky, sexual redemption.

Here’s to the women of America, and their “female only” conferences.

I hope you join me tomorrow for a very special Mother’s Day edition of Half-Nekkid Thursday.

Oh yeah, it’s gonna be disturbing.


Cheers!!

56 comments:

Hammer said...

That's quite a schedule. You do know it's quite acceptable to wear french ticklers inside out.

Desert Songbird said...

I'll be sure to warn ...er, I mean PREPARE all of my women blogging friends who are going to BlogHer this summer.

Jay said...

Obviously, Texas educators and BlogHer are only going to serve as warm up sessions for the Christian Women's thingy. All those sexually frustrated women who are only allowed to have sex in the missionary position? You may need back up. Call me if you do. You know I'm there for you man. ;-)

Lu' said...

I hope you join me tomorrow for a very special Mother’s Day edition of Half-Nekkid Thursday.

Oh yeah, it’s gonna be disturbing.


The last sentence echoed my thoughts upon reading the first sentence. Matt-Man, Mothers are sacred, but then so is Jeebus so what the hell. I do think funny trumps damn near all. I look forward to my viewing pleasure.

Turnbaby said...

Knowing that your mom has passed gives me some comfort about what you'll post ....um..wait ..er...oh my;-)

Matt-Man said...

Hammer: Ha. Thanks for the tip. I will be employing it soon. Cheers!!

Songbird: Don't tell them; you'll ruin the surprise. Cheers!!

Jay: It will be a Sexual Revelation for their pious pies. Meet Me in St. Louis, Jay. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Lu: It will be a Mother's Day pictorial to remember. Tastefully done as always. Cheers!!

TB: Ha. What will I do? Only the Matt-Man knows. Oooo Weee Oooo. Cheers!!

Dana said...

I guess St. Louis isn't too far to drive ...

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Mmmmmmm, there ya go. You and I could be two-thirds of the Holy Trinity Tag Team. Cheers Dana!!

Odat said...

May your "drier than bed sheets wavin on a clothesline in a Death Valley breeze" be rained upon!
Good Luck!

Peace

Matt-Man said...

Odat: You are so kind to always be looking out for my good fortune. Cheers!!

Leighann said...

It warms my heart to know that you'll be using your time so wisely and helping so many in need.

He's a giver bitches. He's a giver.

ladyjaye82 said...

Sadly I will be unable to attend any of these conferences. Good luck with the extrusion of your spooge!

Mr. Fabulous said...

If you were start a cult, I would definitely join.

Matt-Man said...

Leighann: Ha. To keep my sex skills to myself would be a sin. They need to be shared. Cheers!!

Lady Jaye: That is sad, but thank you. Spooge Extrusion can be a beautiful thing. Cheers LJ!!

Matt-Man said...

Mr. Fab: We should look into that. After all, there are some young polygamist chicks lookin' for a place to go. Cheers!!

Micky-T said...

I believe your plan to have a room booked at these conventions is the smartest and slickest way to get bodily fluid salvation, while spreading out the Matt-Man to the female masses.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: It is one of the better plans I have come up with in my entire life. Cheers!!

Dianne said...

the "matt-siah" - fantastic

rumor has it that naughty librarians and nasty nurses will be combining their conferences this year. as soon as I get the details I'll let you know.

I only seem to come here when you've done a Blog-Fo-Mercial for one of the people I stalk - uh - read.

Leighann is gonna kick my ass (yummy) if I don't do better. I am missing out on some amazing stuff here.

Fuck work, I need some more matt-man.

Hey - that could be your slogan!!

The Absurdist said...

Somehow, I am thinking that schmoopsie isn't going to feel unrepulsed to you after writing this post. ;-)

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...one can envision the Matt-Siah administering the "host" while singing "I'm a Nazarean Dandy"!!!!!!!!!!....yer killin' me ovah heah!!!!...

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Oooo Baby. Librarians AND Nurses. I see a well-taken care of paper cut in my future. Thanks Dianne, and yeah, I dig the slogan. Cheers!!

Abs: Nothing a few beers in her can't take care of. Cheers!!

Phfrankie: It will be like a hot, religious, porn musical. Cheers P-Man!!

Tug said...

So all I have to do is schedule a conference?

What's your bare minimum on number of participants?

Matt-Man said...

Tug: If you hold your own TugBug '08 Conference and you are the only participant, I will be there.

If you're serving bacon cheeseburgers, I'll be there NOW. Cheers!!

Tug said...

Shopping list for tonight: bacon, hamburger, buns...(I've got the rest)

;-)

Matt-Man said...

Tug: Sweeeeet. But don't bother buying buns, I'll bring those. ; )~ Cheers!!

Winter said...

Ooooh disturbing. I got all tingly when you said that. I can't wait! Oh, and I totally think you and Fab should start a cult. I'll make you a logo even.

Knight said...

I guess earth week didn't go over well with Schmoop. So, have you made any plans on how you will get in to these all women conferences? Are you doing it the "Some Like It Hot" way?
I'm betting you wear a diaper with a bonnet tomorrow.

Matt-Man said...

Winter: Not just disturbing, but sweet and nostalgic as well. Like Leighan said, "I am a giver". Cheers!!

Knight: I just made sure to get a room at the hotel convention sites, and will troll the bar.

Earth Week was a bit unpleasant, but since she was delirious from the fumes, she was in no shape to castigate me. Cheers!!

katherine. said...

so you're gonna be out here in July? cool.

I gotta go find a clip for you....I'll be back
(everyone in California has to say that now...the gov said so....)

jennifer said...

Keys? Missing keys? A Daddy-blog (Ryno, not who's your...)? Lola and Inky? Something for my conscience? Anything? :^)

You and Joyce Myer in the same place... Armeggedon?

Be blessed.

A confused and questioning (?)
Jen

Marilyn said...

I know I go to women's conferences expecting to get lucky.

Good luck with that.

Matt-Man said...

Kat: You're gonna find a clip for me? Whadda ya, gonna shoot me? Cheers!!

Jen: Um, lessee...Something nice...I called Ryno this morning and told him to have a good day at school. How's that? Cheers Jen!!

Marilyn: Ha. I miss you when you're not here. Good Luck at a future conference. Cheers!!

The Covert Lover said...

What are you doing next weekend? I'm attending a women only event... Not exactly a conference, but close enough.
It's not education related, but maybe you could teach us a thing or two.
It's not blogging related, but I'd sure blog about it if you "came."
It's not religious, but who could resist the worship of a Matt-Siah?!
So what do 'ya say?

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

If you are really in San Francisco in July let me know. I love to meet you as I'm sure a few other Californians would.

I don't think you are going to score with this approach, but what the heck. Dreaming is good.

I do want you to know that all your Half-Nekkid-Thurday's are disturbing. Just saying. Have a great day Matt-Man.

Matt-Man said...

Covert: Oooo Baby!! Color me there. Will you allow me to make your adorable cheeks blush? Cheers!!

Sandee: Ha. Very Good. If I am ever out that way I will let ya know. Have a good one. Cheers!!

jennifer said...

Awww. Thanks! That was just what I needed.

And I will never look at Women's retreats quite the same way again. OOOH! I could do a TurnBaby!

"You had to go and ruin Women's Christian Retreats for me, didn't you?"

Just doesn't have the same *punch* does it?

Have a Happy Day Matt.

Jen

leelee said...

well after reading that itinerary, you should be good for a long time..

sounds like you might be able to convert some women to your Matty-ness..especially with those professed mad bedroom skills.

Sounds intoxicating..I can't wait for the updates..

HUGS!!

Matt-Man said...

Jen: you are more than welcome. I want to continue to see those "burkha" eyes smilin'.

Maybe it wasn't as punchy as TB's comment, but funny nonetheless. Cheers!!

Leelee: Oh my skills can be backed up by testimonials, baby. Updates will follow, along with my sure to be expanding arrest record. Cheers Lee!!

Another Desert Rat said...

Ahhh... I'd been exiled for a week to Soupy Town and was going through Matt-Man withdrawal (no internet connection to speak of in that backwater - although there was a pretty high-tech alarm clock).

HNT - Um hmmm... looking forward to that...

Great Blog-Fomercial - you've definitely got a gift. I'm sorely tempted...

Real Live Lesbian said...

Dammit...I don't have the money to sign up for all of these conferences!!!!

VE said...

Leave it to the matt-man to dedicate an entire post about how he's going to take advantage of all these women conferences by hitting on all of them and then get your entire female comment responses as positive. You really are a miracle worker!

Karen said...

What a great idea! You must be an inspiration to men everywhere. :)

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: Thanks and just say the word and your blog world can be splashed across the Internets. Cheers!!

RLL: Save your money. I'll fill up the tank and be right down there. Cheers!!

VE: Ha. I never thougt of it like that. Gee, I am gifted. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Women: If I am, I sorry for our gender. Cheers Karen!!

metalmom said...

MattMan and school marms. Perfect together.

Hey that could be your new slogan!

Matt-Man said...

Metal: That slogans are a-flowin' today. Cheers!!

Christine said...

I'd skip joyce's if I were you. Those crazy christian bitches tend to be repressed. I bet you can work your way successfully through the others and depending on how good you are, get a few drinks and maybe a dinner or two out of the deal.

katherine. said...

I so want to change my name to crazy christian bitch...

repressed? um...not so much

I love this chick

she opens the Christian gig

Starrlight said...

Better you than I, Matt. No offence to the ladies here who I visit and read but the vast majority of women give me a massive pain in the ass. I didn't get the chick chip installed at birth I guess.

Matt-Man said...

Christine: Christian Chicks Do It Divinely. But the free food and drinks sound good. Thanks for stopping. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Or should I call you, "CCB"? I've seen that clip!! And I bet you're not repressed...especially in leather. Cheers!!

Starr: Schmoop is kinda the same way as you. Hope everything is well for you and kidlet. I'll be by. Cheers!!

Jo said...

Good lord LOL!

trouser mouse? That sounds like something I'd smack with a broom handle!

Matt-Man said...

Jo: Oooooo. I think I'd like that!! Cheers!!

That 1 Guy said...

Heheheh... I'm looking at your labels for this post, and thinking that it should make for some interesting google searches.

Who'd google "Joyce Meyer Sex Convention", though?

Oh, just so you know... you're currently number 12.

Matt-Man said...

Guy: I'm number 12? What does that mean? Cheers!!