BlogHer 2010: Elisa Camahort...Hi, I'm Matt-Man!!

I was cruising around the series of tubes that is the internets recently and started checking out some so-called Mommy Blogs which are of course published by that catty clique known as Mommy Bloggers.

After reattaching my retinas, and wiping away the clutter that collected in my mind from trying to figure out the appeal of Mommy Bloggers, I more deeply explored this estrogen rich environment and the McClintock effect it has on the blogospere, by stopping by the BlogHer website.

For those of you who have no clue what BlogHer is…It is, in their own words, “…the leading participatory news, entertainment and information network for women online.”

BlogHer, Inc. says that it helps women who blog to pursue exposure, education, community, and economic empowerment. Blah, blah, blah…Yak, yak, yak…Emote, emote, emote.

Scores of women who blog use, visit, and/or participate in BlogHer in some way. I just don’t get it.

How come women who blog feel the need to have an umbrella, a club, and group that offers them some ambiguous type of support?

I could see it if perhaps there were women who blogged and were alcoholics feeling they needed some type of online support system. They could commiserate with each other and call their group, DrunkHer. But simply women bloggers in general?

Are women so weak that they feel the need to band together? Are they so lacking in self-esteem that they need validation from others who appreciate the joy of a rapidly pulsating dildo?

Evidently so, because BlogHer will be holding their annual conference this year in New York City from August 5-7 at the Hilton New York.

Hundreds of women with blog sites and more issues than a magazine stand will be descending on the Big Apple.

There will be sessions involving angst, feelings, passion, and how it affects what women write about and how they express it on their site.

Oh Dear God!! They want to get in touch with their feelings? I’ll be happy to bring a hammer and smack ’em over their collective heads. They’ll feel that real quick. And passion?

What? Are these women not getting enough passion from their husband or boyfriend?

Maybe if instead of wanting to get in touch with their feelings so damn much they could open a bottle of Jack, spread their legs, and let hubby give em’ the high hard one!!

People, oft times women, want to overanalyze and dear God, I hate it when they say this, “process” things. Takin' it up the ass doesn’t take processing, it just takes a well tossed salad, and the willingness to spread them cheeks baby. How’s that for passion?

They do have a writing session titled, "Humor”. The description reads: “Great humor writers care about things as granular and detailed as punctuation. How do some of the writers who make you LOL for realz do it?”

Holy Cow!! Are they for “realz”? Humor in written form requires pacing and emphasis which have to somehow mirror as if it is actually being spoken therefore sometimes ignoring traditional grammar and punctuation…granular or otherwise.

Sounds to me like more processing going on.

Maybe I’ll contact Elisa Camahort over at BlogHer and see if I can conduct a humor writing session at the 2010 BlogHer Conference.

I’ll call the session: I’m Matt-Man, Bitch…and Here's What’s Funny.

Think she’ll go for it? I’ll let you know when and if I hear back from her.

Cheers!!

It's Conference Time; Where's My Box Lunch?

I have been skidding painfully upon a dry patch in my sex life.

Okay, more than dry…

I’m talking arid, dusty, un-moist…Drier than bed sheets wavin’ on a clothesline in a Death Valley breeze.

I don’t think Schmoop wants to have sex with me. It’s like I truly repulse her of late.

Why do I think this?

Maybe it’s the the way she avoids me. Maybe it’s the look in her eyes as she seems to look past me.

Perhaps, it’s the tone in her voice when she says, “I don’t want to have sex with you, and of late, you truly repulse me.”

Well, don’t get me wrong, I love the Schmoopster, but I’m Matt-Man, Bitches, and I need sex.

So, I have a plan…An itinerary full of the prospects of hot, tawdry, jungle sex.

I’m going on tour…more specifically, the Women’s Conference Tour.

I was looking through the internets yesterday and I was amazed at how many fun-filled conferences for women only are coming up.

For instance, June 20-22 I will be going to Austin, TX. I have booked a room at the Renaissance Hotel where the Texas Council of Women School Executives is taking place.

This is an opportunity to spend three exciting days and nights schooling some sexy female educators in the art of Matt-Man.

Bend over Superintendent Love Muffin, Biology class is in session and the subject tonight is:

The Talented Tongue…Opening Your Flood Gates, and Tossing Your Salad.

After that, I am off to San Francisco for the 2008 BlogHer Conference on July 18-20.

Seventy-Two hours on the bay with hundreds of hot, horny women bloggers in search of template tips, and orgasms to write about.

I’ll provide each and every one of them with a big, enduring post. Feel my hard drive and scroll down on my trouser mouse baby!!

These should be two very spooge extruding events, but come October 2-4, all Hell is gonna break loose.

I’ll be in St. Louis for the Joyce Meyer Ministries Annual Women’s Convention…26,000 divine babes in search of salvation.

Drink of my Bagwine and eat of my flesh, ye of the holy hole; I am here to deliver you from the bondage of bad sex.

Visions of God will abound when they feel the Matt-Siah moving deeply through their “souls”. Amen!!

So there you have it, my next few months will be a period of stiff, sticky, sexual redemption.

Here’s to the women of America, and their “female only” conferences.

I hope you join me tomorrow for a very special Mother’s Day edition of Half-Nekkid Thursday.

Oh yeah, it’s gonna be disturbing.

Cheers!!