Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Super Bowl XLIII...Jeebus Is My Coach

It’s a Super Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio today.

I, of course, will be working 11-7 today, and you know what?

I am so fucking glad that I am…for two reasons.

First off, unlike a disturbingly growing number of people, I still have a job. And the second reason?

While I will miss the first few minutes of the game, I will happily miss the eight hour train wreck known as, the Super Bowl Pre-Game hype.

Oh Dear God…How painful is that?

It’s akin to having two dozen flaming, ginger dipped chopsticks stuck up my ass while being forced to watch a sex tape involving Rosie O’Donnell and Dick Cheney.

NBC, ESPN, and others will over analyze the game before it even begins.

The talking head cliché machine will, like a Nigel Tufnel amplifier, be set to 11.

During the lead up, you will hear such gems as:

You don’t want to turn the ball over. Turnovers will kill ya.

It all starts with the offensive line. Whoever wins in the trenches will win the game.

Penalties are not good. You want to minimize those.

Really? No fuckin’ shit?…

I always thought that football teams included pass interference infractions, having their QB sacked, and fumbling the football into their game plan.

I guess that’s why I am not a football commentator. Silly me.

Another thing I am glad I will miss? Human interest stories.

Arizona’s QB, Kurt Warner is, in football years, an old man. And, more importantly, he’s a born-again Christian.

You will hear about this all damn day...

Warner will talk about how the Cardinals making it to the big game is entirely due to the glory of God, and his friend and personal savior, the Lord Jeebus Christ.

Yo…Kurt…Jeebus doesn’t give a Goddamn, Rat’s-Ass who is playing in the Goddamn Super Bowl.

And, he doesn’t give a hoot whether you throw eight touchdowns or eight interceptions.

I have it on good authority that Jeebus never played football. And even today, how many run of the mill Jews play football? Uh-huh, not too damn many.

The only way Jeebus would be involved, is if you win the game by throwing a last second, 65 yard Hail Mary TD pass to Larry Fitzgerald.

I’m not a big fan of either team, but will be rooting for the Cards because they are the underdog. But c’mon, Kurt…

Jeebus may have died on a cross, but he doesn’t care about a well executed crossing route.

I hope you all enjoy your Super Bowl Sunday. I’m going to watch a bit of it with my sweetman, Ryno after work, and then watch the rest of it at home.

Speaking of Ryno…I have a funny story. I picked him up from school Friday. As he made his 150 foot walk from the school doors to the car, I noticed something.

He was looking up to the sky and smiling. At one point, he was even chuckling.

When he got to the car, I asked him, “What the heck was so darn funny?”

He said, “I was just imagining how cool it would be if Bugs Bunny was real and he was 50 feet tall.”

Now, many parents would be disturbed by this, but I chuckled, rubbed his head, and said…

“Ha…I think about that myself.”

Oh yeah, it’s always a good feeling to know how much your kid is just like you.

Enjoy the game, all.

Cheers!!