I’m working all day in the beer mines today, so the unusually warm temp will be welcome.
But my friends, there is something very unwelcome in the world of Bagwine that has once again reared it’s ugly head…
Schmoop’s monthly visit from Aunt Flo.
As the picture indicates, Schmoop is pretty hot looking. However, when Aunt Flo comes a-callin’, I am not allowed to touch ol’ Schmoop.
I’ve got something to say about that:
Hey, Schmoop’s Uterus…Knock it off!!
She will soon be 43. We aren’t having any little rug rats. We’re both horny, and…
Schmoop would greatly appreciate not spending the Sabbath lying on the couch while her insides fall out in the form of something that resembles the contents of a can of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni.
Seriously, Mizz Uterus…It was nice that you were around for awhile in case Schmoop wanted to reproduce, but she is really over any wish of spawning.
Your time has passed, and yet once a month you continue to pass on more pain and clots than a man who works as a milk and cheese taster, passes kidney stones.
And another thing…While Schmoop never gets angry during this time like some women I know, there is the extra clutter and trash that I have to deal with.
Our bathroom trash can is filled with paper, plastic, and well you know…stuff. It’s overflowing, dammit!!Listen, we have to clean our cat, Corky’s litter box everyday; having the extra stress and burden of cleaning up after two pussies for a week is arduous and unacceptable.
Just…go…away.
Now my friends, let us pray.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray to your Son (who by the way, you birthed without any pain or awkward sex whatsoever…Hell, you didn’t even get a dinner out of the deal or flowers, or even a kiss) anyway…
Please pray on behalf of Schmoop that this affliction, brought on by that whore Eve, eating the magic apple, goes away.
In your name, we pray.
Amen.
Enjoy your Sunday all. I’ll be spending mine working…At least that gives me an eight hour respite from the love canal carnage.
Cheers!!
24 comments:
ummm...flush my brain with draino to destroy the images you created...
Bond: Just keepin' it real. The worse thing? I had prior approval from Schmoop to post this. Well, sorta. Cheers!!
JR is pretty happy I'm all done with that sort of thing. Finished up at 49 not bad, huh.
I've seriously considered surgery. My grandmothers were fertile into their 60's...
And Mateo...if the burden of two pussies becomes too heavy...dump corky.
I have a line I've been meaning to use for years now, but I can't use it because while Honey is going through this thing she's not in the mood for my jokes:
"Well, your hand isn't bleeding!"
I've often wondered about the cruel irony of nature, allowing women to remain fertile years after any sane woman would want to be.
Periods are proof positive for me that god is not only a man, but a man with a very sick sense of humor. (sent you an invite via email...it's me...)
Amen Bruddah
Michele: Very good. Nice to know you are free of the curse. I'm sure Schmoop will cuss you when she reads your comment. ; ) cheers!!
Kat: Ha. I'll do that. If she had insurance or could afford it she undoubtedly have her innard ripped out. Did you get my X-Mas card? Cheers Kat!!
PITS: Ha. I like that, and sure Schmoop will as well. Cheers!!
Songbird: After men their age can no longer get it up. Cheers Dear!!
Hope: God is one funny bastard. Got the invite and will be by. Thanks and Cheers Hope!!
DB: Thanks for the shout out from the congregation. Amen and Cheers!!
Hell of a way (for me) to begin Sabbath!
Nick: The most powerful religious services come from personal experience. Cheers Nick!!
...certainly not a "sunshine, lolipops, rainbows and everything" post....
Phfrankie: Oh it has its upside...um...okay maybe it doesn't. Cheers P-Man!!
WOW you summed up that time of the month perfectly!
Irene: Ha. Thanks. I would have made a great gynecologist. Cheers!!
your sensitivity to the female condition never ceases to amaze me!
you're so in touch with your inner female
There is something so distasteful about you discussing Schmoop's aunt flo and yet I read on...
Have a good day at work Homeslice :)
I was relieved of my child bearing Visits years ago..But I got my last digs in with my youngest daughter at the time tho!
After surgery I came home and gift wrapped every single piece of feminine product and mailed it all to her.... a few days later she called me on the phone and called me a bitch... then hung up. I laughed for HOURS! I'M BLESSED WITH CHILDREN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR~~
Desert it is cause Mother Nature is a mean bitch with a black sense of humor.
Or red I guess. I totally think God could have come up with a better production line than this.
Schmoop is pretty easy going...to approve this post. You're a lucky guy.
Dianne: It's a gift. I have always been somewhat of an empath with women...or something. Cheers Di!!
Lu: Ha. I am sure she felt the same. Twasn't a bad day at all. Cheers Lu!!
Cheesy: And that my lovely red-headed friend is why I like you so. Cheers!!
Starr: She is a bitch isn't she? But the G-Man is a frickin' laugh riot. Cheers!!
Marilyn: Easy going? I think it is more that she feels her objections are useless. But I am pretty lucky. Cheers Marilyn!!
ROTFLMAO.
Oh dear - Matt, I think you've described (and pretty accurately) most men's thoughts on our monthly cycles.
At least Schmoop don't get bitchy - during my time I'm more dangerous than a coked up dealer with an Uzi and an itch in his pants.
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