We have many regulars come through the Drive-Thru on a near daily basis.And, we get to know some of them on a level that transcends the typical patron/employee relationship.
Some of these folks we have come to love.
While I can’t, with absolute authority vouch for Pizza Bill or the owner, Drive-By Mike…
I can think of no other customer we enjoy dealing with more than the following person…
It’s not some young, busty chick who in the summer has sweat dripping tantalizingly down her over developed cleavage.
It’s not an older woman who has received great cosmetic surgery and a huge divorce settlement.
It’s not even the lovable, old lady who unintentionally tries to drive her car into the beer coolers.
It’s a dude. This dude…
This guy is a hoot. We don’t know his actual name. We just refer to him as, Mr. Cubbie.
Why, you ask?
Last month, Drive-By Mike saw him pull in and told me to ask him about the Cincinnati Reds, and he would take his picture.
What follows is the gist of the conversation.
Matt-Man: Hello there…You know the Reds start spring training tomorrow.
Mr. Cubbie: Fuck the Reds!! The Reds suck. I watch the Cubbies. I watch em’ every night on WGN.
Matt-Man: Yeah, but the Reds are goi--…
Mr. Cubbie: God Damn Reds, suck. They don’t even have their own network. They ought to move across the river. Fuck em’. Let’s go to Chicago and watch the Cubbies.
Ha. Now, to get the full effect, you have to imagine this dialogue taking place while tobacco juice is dripping down Mr. Cubbie’s chin.
It’s also a joy ringing up his order of a 12 pack of Old Milwaukee and a 12 pack of Old Milwaukee N/A. Of course when he orders he will say…
Gimme one and one, Big Boy.
When I tell him the total he usually says this…
God Damn It!! What the hell is your boss doin? It’s not this expensive anywhere else. He’s a God Damn racketeer!! You’re all fuckin’ racketeers!! I’m gonna go home and watch the Cubbies.
Sometimes he will go to the club he belongs to and watch the Cubbies or a football game, especially when they are supplying free hot dogs.
If he comes through the Drive-Thru afterwards, this is what can typically be heard…
Gimme one and one, Big Boy. I went down to the God Damn club to watch the Cubbies. They were giving away hot dogs and the sunzabitches ran out during the third inning. Fuckin’ racketeers.
I’ll go home and watch the Cubbies on WGN. They’re playing the God Damn Reds. They suck.
I guess the best way for you to experience the total essence of our favorite customer is to hear him.
While I can’t do him justice quite as well as Drive-By Mike, I will attempt to do so in the following video…
Ha…He never gets old with us.
Cheers!!
39 comments:
Man, you killed me when you started drooling, God damn it.
PITS: Ha. I almost started laughing myself. Chocolate makes a great stunt double for chewing tobacco. Cheers!!
I was wondering where to take the family this year for vacation. Disneyland and was the top contender until I saw this. Now it's settled, we're coming to Bagwine and spend a couple of days at the drive-thru with you and your cast of characters.
so Cubbies and God damn Reds are sports teams right?
The video was hilarious! I hope Schmoop made you clean that up.
I'm really tempted to come up there and hang out with you guys until that guy comes by again. I'll start in with "The Cubs suck God damn it! The Cardinals are team to watch. God damn Chicago. Bunch of God damn crooks there. St Louis, now that's a God damn baseball town there!"
We'd have a lot of fun.
He should be rooting for the Brewers.
that was a riot....I almost chocked when the pretend chew dripped outta your mouth.
NOW THAT WAS FUNNY AND ON THE MARK!!
PIZZA BILL
The drool is what sets you apart from the amateurs Matt ;)
He sounds...almost David Lynchian. Which is a compliment in my world.
Jeff: Oh you wouldn't be disappointed although your kids may be scarred for life. Cheers Jeff!!
Michele: Ha. Yes they are. Cheers Michele!!
Jay: Ha. You would have a blast. And just after a couple of days, you'd have a month's worth of blog material. Cheers Jay!!
Kat: Ha. Good Point. I thought the chew was a nice, accurate touch. Cheers Kat!!
Anonymours: Yay!! Pizza Bill laughs!! Ha. Enjoy the day at work you goddamn racketeer, you. Cheers Bill!!
Starr: Why thank you Gimpy. I like to live my part when assuming the stage. ; ) Cheers Starr!!
Thanks sweets for a great laugh this morning. Have a GREAT DAY :)
Lu: Anytime, my dear. Have a great God Damn day, yourself. Go Cubbies. Cheers Lu!!
Thanks for the heads up Big Boy...Funny video Big Boy...Though it sounds to me like he is ordering some sexual favor from you...
Bond: Ha. We have discussed at work some of the dialogue that might take place if he was having sex with his wife. I'll save that for a future post. Cheers Vinny!!
...you gotta admit, Lou Pinella is a hoot...
Phfrankie: Ha. Yes he is...He took the Reds to their last World Series in the early 90's. Of course, since he was successful, the Reds summarily fired him. He does put on a good show. Cheers P-Man!!
Yeah, I'd hang out with you.
That
cracked
me
up
this early cold morning!!!
I'm only posting late because my 'puter is on her period or something, the bitch.
Now...what size are you? I'm soooo sending you a Reds tshirt so you can keep it at the store and greet him at the window in it!
Hope: Ha. Glad I could help, and I'm sorry your puter is on the rag. I wear either a Large or XL. If you send one, it would be even better if you were in it. ; ) Cheers Sexy!!
Screw Times Square! The Drive Thru is the Crossroads of America!
Dianne: Damnn right, sexy...All Roads Lead to Bagwine. Cheers Di!!
Teamster: The Dodgers blow...Although I do looove Crazy Manny.
As for Kat? Picturing her with ANYTHING dripping down her chin is sexy. Oops, did I say that out loud. Cheers!!
Ya know that made me smile and a tad bit sad...
I MISS MY CUSTOMERS!
heheh I have a few characters myself on my route.
BTW.. mmmm you said Big Boy~~~
Cheesy: Well, quit hurting yourself and you'd see them. You're such a masochist. How would you like your Big Boy, Baby? Cheers Cheese!!
I damn near hurled when you started drooling.
You God Damn raketeer...
With mustard!
Songbird: Well, I like keepin' it real. No matter the cost...or the projectile vomitting of the audience. Cheers!!
Cheesy: So let it be written; So let it be well done. Cheers!!
Ha! You gotta appreciate somebody so devoted to the team with the longest losing streak in sports history. I'm sure it's a direct result of those God Damn Reds! (can I say God damn during lent? Where's my cheeseburger?)
VE: CAN you say it? Hell you oughta know that it's encouraged here. Cheers VE!!
One and one big boy! What the hell does he do with the NA, drink it in work?
That was good, he comes across as a real charmer!
At least he has good taste in baseball. HA!
Micky: He's actually a nice guy...just a little wound up. Cheers Mick!!
Giggle: Stuff your Cubbies in a sack. Whatever that means. Cheers GP!!
If he smelled like cigars and old man piss and ranted about 'goddamn commie bastards' then it mighta been my Uncle Bud!
Metal: Well...We recently found out that he likes wrestling, so I think that is in our future. Chers Hot Stuff!!
I have tears running down my cheeks! I was chuckling good when I read your post but when I got to the video I just lost it! You are HILARIOUS!
Desert Rat: Ha. Why thanks Adorable One. I was just trying to capture the essence of Mr. Cubbie. It's what I do. Ha. Cheers Pal!!
HA! Send me an addy hstrueby@aol.com and I'll get one out or have it sent via the net! Ohmigosh you gotta get a picture!!! lol
Hope: Ha. I'll send it and I'll send a picture along afterwards. You're too cute!! Cheers Hope!!
Sounds like my grandpa when he used to rant about the Yankees or Dodgers.
Travis: Ha. This guy is a nut. Cheers Trav!!
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