He Said...She Said...

Here's the second installment of Schmoop and I bantering back and forth. This time, over an Oktoberfest Party my brother Marty is having this Sunday...

Matt: So…You are going with me to my brother’s Oktoberfest party on Sunday?

Schmoop: Yes I am. Wait a minute…is Vinny going to be there?

Matt: Well sure…He is our brother after all…I mean not your’s, but Marty’s and ours.

Schmoop: True. As long as I’m not the “Vinny Sitter”, and I can walk, I mean stumble thru the vast estate, I’m cool with it.

Matt: He can be troublesome at times…but enough of him. I know you hate public situations, will you be able to hang out without throwing up?

Schmoop: I have not vomited in public since…..well since the last time. Sorry about your shoes.

Matt: All is forgiven, and plus, besides the uber-adorable Marty, my brother Denny will be there. You like him!! And me? This Counting Crows music sounds soooo good.

Schmoop: I ADORE Marte’ and his uber beautiful wife! I love Denny too!! Sorry, but the Counting Crows song, “The Rain King” makes me cry, but I like the rest……….

Matt: Why does that song make you cry?

Schmoop: Listen to the lyrics you cuntnugget. Makes me think that we’re ending, and we’re taking things in a direction I’m not sure I want to go.

Matt: I think maybe it makes YOU think that I’M taking things in a different direction, because it is I who always plays that song.

Schmoop: Well are you? I need to know these things. I know it’s been a “little rough” around here, but, well I need to know…

Matt: You know how I am, and if I had wanted to go somewhere else, I already would have. But as you indicated earlier today, and not on here, it seems as though I already have made changes in how I act. For good or bad. I think it’s for the good.

Schmoop: You’re changes are good, I love your writing, as I always have. Now they seem to have much more of an edge. MY changes will also be for the good. Possibly a blog…

Matt: Well you should blog again, because you are funny…and you have interesting things to say, and yeah, that was bullshit. ; )~

Schmoop: Yea, who am I kidding? Well it was a thought. I will just be kinder to my fellow man. Ah Jesus H. Christ. Well, he knows I hate everyone equally? Here’s to a great party? I give up.

Matt: As we all should, and here‘s to Marty‘s Party…Give up, and succumb to Christine O’Donnell and Sharron Angle, who in all probability will replace Harry Reid. At least Harry has an IQ…that is measurable. OY!!

And now…

Shortly after this exchange, there were out of the blue, several, “or else….” demands leveled by Schmoop.

Chances are, by the end of your work day Thursday, I will be gone for awhile.

She tells me she loves me, and I tell her the same, and I think we mean it, but, after all…

What’s love got to do with it?

I can tell things aren't going well when I cook one of her fave meals, and she doesn't eat...until later.

Cheers!!

P.S. Happy 41st Birthday Pizza Bill; here’s to an ass-chapless day, ya big lug. See ya at five. Smooch!!

Bittersweet and Confused

It was a bittersweet day yesterday. My beloved couch Kelly, was kicked to the curb, or more accurately, the dumpster...

However, a new couch, Lilly, was brought into the Bagwine digs with the help of Pizza Bill who is pictured on your right...


On the upside, Bagwine Central went from looking all dour and old like this...


To looking all sleek and modern as pictured here...

I thank Pizza Bill for helping a brutha out, and thank him as well for bringing up one of his incredible pizzas and his lovely wife for a visit after the move was done.

Thanks Guys!!

In addition to the new tangible pieces of furniture, a lot of confusion moved into the digs as well.

As of yet, I haven't found a place to put that.

Off to the Beer Mine from 10-9 today and tomorrow as well, so I'll see you when I see you.

Cheers!!

K-Minus One Day

This is it folks. That's all there is...

There isn't any more.

I work from 11-9 today. Afterwards, I am going to see Ryno for awhile, and when I get home at 11:30 or so tonight...

I will check my email, fiddle around briefly on the computer, and then go to sleep.

And my friends, it will be the last time I ever go to sleep...On my beloved Kelly that is.


That's right. Shortly after Jay and I do our I'm With Stupid show at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio, Kelly will be cast aside forevah.

Pizza Bill has graciously volunteered his van and broad shoulders in helping me move a desk and more importantly (and tragically) a new couch into the Bagwine digs.

It's going to be incredibly sad seeing Kelly suffering the same fate that this anonymous chair met some two years ago at the Bagwine Complex...


When I saw that poor discarded chair, I said to myself, "How could anyone do that to a loyal, trusted piece of furniture?"

And now, I find myself at the business end of that same question. I feel much shame. I feel much sorrow.

But enough of the harshing of your joy on this cold, wet weekend.

If you are not too hungover, make sure to catch Jay and I on Blog Talk radio at 11 AM EDT tomorrow.

We will, among a myriad of other hi-larious things, be discussing our favorite and worst food experiences and recipes.

Make sure to tune in, and if you can stand the heat of our internet kitchen, call in with your best, worst, and most creative food experiences as well.

For more info, you can click HERE and/or HERE.

Until I see you on the radio tomorrow, pray for a peaceful end for Kelly, and as always...

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiiday and you know what that means. That’s Right!!

It’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

Thursday evening at the Beer Mine talking to Pizza Bill…

Me: Yo Billy-Boy can you use your van to help me move a couch from David’s house over to the apartment the first Sunday in October?

Bill: I’ll have to take the seats out, but sure.

Me: Thanks. Schmoop said that if you helped us out she’d show you her tits.

Bill: Hee Hee.

Me: Ha…Naw, I’ll pay ya.

Bill: I’d rather see Schmoop’s tits.

Me: Deal!!

Thursday morning taking Ryno to school…

Me: I’ll pick you up this afternoon. I’m going to park in that cornfield way behind the baseball diamond.

Ryno: If you park way back there, when I eventually do get to the car, I’m gonna park my fist in your face.

Me: Ha!! Good One.

Monday morning talking to Schmoop following Sunday’s post tryst admission fall out…

Me: You’re not going to work today?

Schmoop: No…I feel like shit this morning. I’ll just blame Dana. Ha.

Me: Ha...I’ll tell her.

Schmoop: And when you do, tell her to stop being a whore!! I did. I mean, shortly after you left your wife and moved in with me, I did.

Me: Ha. Hey-Oooooooo

Schmoop: I crack myself up…ugh, I’m going back to bed.

And that’s it for this week’s installment, but I do have a few things to pass along to you chuckleheads.

First of all, this past Tuesday I wrote about and professed my love for national radio talk show host, Leslie Marshall. Well kids, now dig it.

She read it Tuesday night and got a hold of me via Twitter. We had a brief Twitter convo and she was incredibly sweet.

I just want to say thanks to her for taking the time to read it and actually contacting me. Here’s to the lovely Leslie. Cheers to ya, Mizz Marshall!!

Today marks the 51st birthday of the sexiest librarian in the world, Bagwine buddy, Michele!! I want to give a big ol’ Happy Birthday to Michele. Have a wonderful day, dear!!

Lastly, I’m With Stupid will once again rear its ugly head at 11 AM EDT Sunday on Blog Talk Radio. Please join Jay and myself for some Sunday morning fun.

In addition to our weekly NFL picks and my weekly fucking by Time Warner, we will be talking about bad and/or funny things that have happened to us while drunk.

We invite you to call in and lay your stories on us as well.

And, since many of you will be listening to us with a hangover, we will also discuss what our favorite hangover foods are.

Off today so I’ll be whoopin’ it up I hope you all do the same. Have a good one!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™

It’s Friiiiiiday and you know what that means…That’s Right!!

It’s time for another installment of, Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™

Last Friday standing outside the Beer Mine after I had walked up to get my check, a hot chick pulls in and Pizza Bill waits on her…

Bill: Can I help you?

Chick: (yelling) Yeah, I want to talk to that cocksucker!!

Bill: Who?

Chick: (pointing at me and angry) That cocksucker standing against the wall. He stole my virginity!!

Bill: Hey Matt-Man this woman wants to speak with you.

Me: (walking to the car) What did I do? I---

Chick: (laughing) Hi cocksucker, need a ride?

Me: Ha. Sure!!

It turned out to be my old girlfriend from High School!!

With the aforementioned old girlfriend in the Bagwine digs minutes later…

Me: So, how’s tricks?

OGF: Eh, okay. I kinda want to find someone to date.

Me: Sweet…I’m available on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.

OGF: I said I want to find someone to date, not do!!

Me: Rats.

Tuesday night working the Beer Mine as my old, Boris Karloff looking customer pulls in…

Boris: Get me a 12 pack of Diet-Mountain Dew and put it in the bed, if it’s not too much trouble.

Me: There ya go.

Boris: Could you hand me one of them?

Me: There ya go.

Boris: You know? You’d make a good butler.

Me: Ha. You couldn’t afford me.

Boris: Just like everything else in this place. See ya.

Thursday evening seeing one of my shirts that Schmoop laid out for her to wear to work today…

Me: Hey, that’s my shirt.

Schmoop: Yeah? So?

Me: Well you could at least ask if you could wear it.

Schmoop: You don’t ask me before you wear my underwear.

Me: Good point.

And there you have it for this week folks. Off today, partying and catching up on blogs!!

Make sure to listen to I’m with Stupid with Jay and me this Sunday at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio.

Among other things we will be celebrating Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement so call in with your sins and you will be absolved…or ridiculed.

Bottoms Up, and as always...

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiiiiday, so you know what that means. That’s Right..!!

Time for yet another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

Schmoop going through the Beer Mine Wednesday afternoon while Pizza Bill and Drive-By Mikey were working…

Mikey: Smootie. Hey Smootie!! Can I--

Schmoop: No Mike, you can’t pee on me.

Mikey: You could pee on me. I could get off on that. Hee Hee Hee.

Schmoop: (Looking at Pizza Bill) Your boss is a moron. I ain't peein' on him. Women got no pee direction anyway. Of course, you guys don’t either.

Pizza Bill: Sure we do.

Schmoop: Then why do you guys always leave piss all over the seat and the floor?

Pizza Bill: That’s not from not having direction. It’s from backsplash.

Mikey: Smootie!! Hey Smootie!!

Schmoop: WHAT!?

Mikey: Tell Matt-Man not to have sex with you for two hours tonight; he has to work tomorrow. Tell him to get it done in 15 minutes.

Schmoop: Bye Bill (drives off)

Mikey: (yelling as she drives off) Smootie!! Hey Smoot!! Hee Hee Hee.

Thursday prior to taking Ryno to school on the day that the guys have to wear a shirt and tie…

Me: Looks good dude.

Ryno: Thanks. You know what else looks good?

Me: What?

Ryno: My fist in your face. Hee Hee.

Talking to Ryno as I took him home from school…

Ryno: Do I look good or what? Man, I am chiseled.

Me: Ha. You’re 6 foot tall and 162 pounds.

Ryno: But I’m ripped. When I enter a room people say, “Ryno looks just like Lou Ferrigno, only beautiful.”

Me: Ha. That was pretty good.

Ryno: I learned from the best, Dad.

That’s it for this week folks. Have a wonderfully fun and safe Labor Day Weekend. And…

If you have nothing better to do Sunday morning at 11 AM EDT, tune into I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio and listen to Jayman and me.

Or, if my computer and/or phone has the shits again this Sunday, you can at least listen to Jay.

Have a Friday, and as always…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiday so you know what that means…That’s Right!!

It’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™.

Sunday morning, half naked, in the Bagwine digs, singing a song that I thought of to the tune of the Theme from Shaft:

Me: Who is the man curing lepers ‘cross the lannnnd? Christ!! Right On.

Schmoop: (look of disbelief with mouth agape) Oh Dear God…

Me: Hee…Who’s so divine, turning water into wiiiiine? Christ!! Can ya dig it?

Schmoop: You’re such a dick.

Me: Ha. But I looooove you.

Schmoop: (walking away, shaking head) Whatever.

Wednesday morning talking with Jay on Twitter about me not being able to access our Blog Talk Radio home page:

Me: The damn thing won’t let me in.

Jay: I got in just fine.

Me: Okay…I’m in now. Can ya feel it?

Jay: Yeah. It hurts a little, but I’ll get used to it.

Tuesday night at the Beer Mine talking to some young chick who just pulled in:

Chick: Can I have a pack of Marlboro Light 100s?

Me: Sure. Do you have an ID?

Chick: No.

Me: Sorry. Can’t sell ’em to ya.

Chick: Awww, man. I’m just turned 21 for gods sakes.

Me: Well I don’t know that without seeing an ID.

Chick: (anger rising) I’m 21!! Would I be driving a car if I wasn’t 21!?

Me: Um…Last time I checked, a person in Ohio can drive when they’re 16.

Chick: (really pissed now) They’re for my mom anyway.

Me: You want to stick with that story, or would you like to show me an ID?

Chick: You’re an asshole. (drives away letting the Fuck Off’s fly)

Me: Hee Hee.

Thursday around 5 P.M. in the office of The Beer Mine with Drive-By Mikey and Pizza Bill giving me shit about my dangly earring:

Mikey: That’s dangerous. It could get caught on something.

Me: Or some idiot could rip it out.

Mikey: Exactly.

Me: That happened to me a long time ago in a bar fight. It hurt like hell.

Pizza Bill: Ha. You? You were in a bar fight?

Me: Yes indeed.

Pizza Bill: Was the guy in the wheelchair hurt bad?

Pizza Bill and Mikey: Ha Ha Ha Hee Hee Hee.

Me: Suck It.

Mikey: Ha. I was gonna say, “How old was she?”

Me: Oh you two are just a couple of funny fucks today aren’t ya?

Pizza Bill and Mikey: Ha Ha Ha

Me: It’s all fun and games when we’re making fun of Matty-Boy.

Pizza Bill and Mikey: Ha Ha Ha.

Me: You guys suck.

And that’s all the private conversations for this week…

I’m off and getting drunker than shit today, because Schmoop’s basement is flooding so I need not worry about having to get it up later.

Have a Friday and a weekend, you chuckleheads!!

Cheers!!

Mexican Ice

Happy Hump Day, you lovable perverts, you.

I don’t have a whole lot for you today because I have been doing show prep* for the test show that Jay-Man and I will be doing on Blog Talk Radio at 11:30 A.M. (EDT) today.

I do have a brief report and pictures of an incident that took place at the Beer Mine on Monday afternoon.

If you know about the Beer Mine, you know that it is manned by Pizza Bill, Little Bill, myself, and our fearless owner, Drive-By Mikey.

But…

Others contribute to the success of the establishment as well.

Awhile back, I mentioned our Mexican ice delivery guy, Luis. Like clockwork, Luis shows up every Monday afternoon between three and four.

The last three weeks though, we have had a substitute driver. The sub said that Luis was temporarily working another route.

Drive-By Mikey and I however, thought perhaps that Luis went to Arizona on vacation, left his papers back in Ohio, and in spite of his citizenship, had been deported.

Fortunately, that was not the case. Luis showed up to our wind tunnel of alcoholic love on Monday afternoon and to welcome him back, I took some pictures…

This is the always affable Luis…

This the back of Luis’ truck when he backed in to load our ice machine…

Unbeknownst to Luis, this is what the back of Luis’ truck looked like when he drove off…

Ha…Luis’ next stop was ten minutes away from The Beer Mine. Needless to say, ten minutes and thirty seconds later, Mikey got a call from Luis.

It was filled with laughter, and expletives in both English and Spanish. And, the conversation included Luis saying to Mike:

“You guys suck. I wondered why the hell drivers were passing me, and fucking looking at me funny.”

Here’s to having Luis’ and his questionable looking papers being back at The Beer Mine. And to make up for the prank, I play this in his honor…

Happy Hump Day, All.

Cheers!!

*By show prep, I mean that I have been drinking quite a bit as I check out our Blog Talk Radio page saying to myself…

“Hey this is neat.” “What’s this do?” “What will we talk about?” “Oh Dear God, what hath Jay wrought?”

A Myriad of Mish-Mash

I was home all day yesterday and when that happens, I drink and think.

While I drank much more than I thought, a few things did pop into this bald noggin of mine.

I feel chunky. I lost 90 pounds a couple of years ago, and I never want to balloon up again. I was huge.

So, I am going to do what I did to lose all of that weight again through Labor Day.

I’m cutting way back on carbs. Bread, pasta, beer…Ha Ha Ha. Yeah, right. I’m still going to drink plenty of beer and Bagwine, but…

No sandwiches, very little pasta.

I’m going to eat mainly naked meat, vegetables, and my go to diet food, soup. Lots and lots of soup. I invented the soup diet and trust me, it works.

I just want to lose ten pounds by Labor day…shouldn’t be a problem.

I listen to several talk radio shows. Hannity, Boortz, Beck-Tard. They’re hilarious and they have great commercials.

Beck hawks survival seeds, and Hannity pitches some shit called Food Insurance. It’s like MREs that they use in the armed forces. A bunch of dehydrated entrée type shit.

When I heard the Food Insurance thing, I thought…

I bet I could make a lot of money if I could manufacture and market, are you ready gang…

Dehydrated Water!!

Of course, I don’t know what one would add to it to make it water. Minor detail.

It was incredibly hot and humid in Bagwine yesterday and Pizza Bill had to work the Beer Mine from 10-9. Ol’ Pizza Bill is susceptible to a type of heat rash that he refers to as Ass Chap.

Knowing the humid conditions outside and Bill’s problem I was struck by a vision of him all sweaty as he left work and his butt looking like two big tureens of Split Pea soup and wet, uncooked Pancake mix.

I couldn’t get the morose vision out of my mind until two beers later.

After that, I had a better vision. If the dehydrated water thing doesn’t work I could make tons of cash making a line of cars that appeal to right wing Fundamentalists.

The name of my newly founded car company?

Christler!!

I think that would be a winner. I can hear it now.

“Hey Dave what kind of car is that? It‘s very nice.”

“Well Tom, that’s the 2011 Christler Apocalypse, and let me tell you. When you’re riding in this, it feels like the streets are paved with gold.”

Lastly, I talked to Jay yesterday for a looonnnng time about our impending radio show.

We covered a lot of ground and ha, our conversation would have made a good show. We do have one problem first and foremost…

We can’t think of a name for the show. Jay being the flamboyant, creative master-mind that he is, offered this…

The Jay and Matt Show.

Ha. I love that guy...but we will keep working on the title anyway.

Only working 5-9 today so I’ll be ‘round for awhile. Enjoy your Thursday all; Friday is just around the corner.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™

It’s Friday again, so it’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™. This week they are all Beer Mine related…

Wednesday morning talking to Schmoop as she got ready for work:

Schmoop: Did you get rained on during your walk to work yesterday afternoon?

Me: Yes I did.

Schmoop: Eh, what a fucking shame.

Wednesday evening talking to Schmoop after she got home from work:

Me: Mikey just called. I’m going to be filling in at work for Pizza Bill through next Thursday.

Schmoop: How come?

Me: He is going to Florida for a few days.

Schmoop: Bill? The man who hates the heat and gets ass chap, is going to Florida?

Me: I guess so.

Schmoop: Ass Chap Boy in Florida…hmmmm…That doesn't make a lot of fucking sense.

(You can see that one of Schmoop’s fave words is “Fuck” or variations thereof.)

Drive-By Mikey and I at our meeting Wednesday upon seeing that one of dudes in the meeting looked exactly like Sammy Davis, Jr.:

Mikey: Hee Hee…Look Matt.

Me: Holy Shit, it’s Sammy Davis, Jr.!!

Mikey: Hee, I know…Who can take the sunrise. Sprinkle it in dew?

Me: Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two…

Me and Mikey: The Candyman…The Candyman can. Hee Hee Hee.

Same meeting upon seeing a gorgeous, 6’2 blonde chick sporting 3” heels, a big sweet ass, and ginormous tits:

Mikey: Holy shit. Look at that woman.

Me: Oh my. She’s hot.

Mikey: Everything on that chick is huge.

Me: Indeed…Oh yeah.

Mikey: I know she doesn’t have trouble dropping babies, ’cause I bet her vagina is the size of a softball.

Me: LOL

Mikey: Of course they’d have to lay her across two birthing tables.

Me: Ha. Shut up.

Monday night talkin’ to the old regular customer who looks like Boris Karloff, and buys houses and rents them out for a living:

Boris: Gimme one of those high priced Diet Mountain Dews.

Me: Sure thing.

Boris: See that house across the street that’s for sale?

Me: Sure do.

Boris: I’m gonna buy it so I can stand in the front yard and throw rocks at you.

Me: Ha. Of course you are.

Boris: See ya later.

Other than Sunday, I am working everyday through next Thursday, so I’ll catch ya all when I can.

Have a great Friday and a wonderful weekend.

Cheers!!

Dana Does Bagwine!!

My quasi blogcation is winding down. I have thoroughly enjoyed just phoning it in this week.

That will change next week as we work our way toward the big 4th of July weekend. And my 4th of July week will kick off with a bang Saturday night.

Why is that, you ask? Well, let me tellz yuz.

Saturday evening, Bagwine buddy Dana will be pulling into Bagwine, Ohio…at the Beer Mine no less.

(And hopefully, she'll be right side up when she gets here, but I digress...)

That’s right sports fans, The Unsinkable Dana Brown will be in town from Saturday evening ‘til Monday morning.

I know. Dana’s last name isn’t Brown, but it reads better than saying Dana Jones-Smith-Carter-Woodward-Etc-Etc-Ad Infinitum. Hee Hee.

Anyhoo…

The lovely Dana will be staying with Schmoop, Corky, and myself. When you include Corky, I’ll be living with three chicks for the weekend.

It’s like a sitcom and the working title is, “Three Pussies and an Asshole.” or if you prefer, “Four Tits and a Dickhead.”

I can read the preview now...

Hilarity ensues when a chick from the Chicagoland area plants herself in Bagwine, Ohio for a day and half.

Join the antics of Dana, Schmoop, and Matt-Man as bodily fluids are exchanged, Corky gets shaved, and a grease fire breaks out due to a Loosemeat Sandwich accident. Saturday on NBC.

I can’t wait to meet her after all this time.

We’re all very excited about her visit. Well, all of us but Corky. Corky doesn’t like change of any kind. Other than thunderstorms, nothing freaks her out more. But, she’ll survive.

Dana will also have the honor of sleeping on Kelly.

I hope she appreciates the fact that when she is sleeping on Kelly she is also sleeping on ten years worth of my nocturnal emissions. That’s kinda special.

So here’s to a safe trip for Dana, and to the many incriminating pictures I will be taking over the weekend.

And now…

Pizza Bill who you have all come to know and love, makes great pizza but…

He makes great meatballs too…

That’s a picture of me, licking Bill’s balls. I love his balls. They are fucking good. I had to let you know just how good Bill’s balls taste.

Schmoop loves Bill’s balls too. In fact she told me yesterday that she could eat Bill’s balls everyday. His balls are really special…and meaty.

So, here’s to Bill’s big, meaty balls. Now, if only he could do something about his Ass Chap.

Lastly kidz…

Schmoop has been going through something difficult, and today it all comes to a head and an end.

If you think about it, send out a prayer or some good vibes today on her behalf. I know she would appreciate it.

There you have it. I hope your weekend goes as dangerously as mine apparently will. Live it up, Bitches.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Summer Comes To Bagwine

It is going to be a sunny and warm Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today.

Our temps will be climbing into the mid to upper 80’s today and the daily highs will remain that way through Friday.

I’m off today, but come Monday at work, the temp will be pushing 87 or 88 and I’ll be looking like this…

I dig it…I do so loooove to sweat. Praise Jeebus and pass the tanning butter, Bitches!!

Ahhhh Summer. The women look lovelier; the beer tastes better, and the air is filled with the aroma of burgers and brats sizzling on the grill.

Of course here in Bagwine, in addition to the aroma, the air is also oft time filled with the sound of shrieks of domestic anger emanating from the yard of the drunken couples having the cookouts.

But? Nothing is perfect.

It gets mighty hot at the Beer Mine in the summer. So hot, that the cotton candy melts, the cooler doors sweat profusely, and Pizza Bill gets a bad case of the ass chap.

Me? It doesn’t bother me too much, because I have a way to deal with the heat. What is it you ask? Take a look at this…

You are probably saying, “Yeah so what Matt-Man; you’re wearing shorts.” That’s true, but guess what?

I ain’t wearin’ any underwear beneath dem der shorts. My boys are free and dry, and so am I. Working sans underwear keeps the ball sweat to a minimum and the junk juice at bay.

More importantly, not wearing underwear brings me closer to our customers. Literally.

They don’t have to know, but I like knowing it, especially when I’m standing a mere six inches away from the face of a hot chick.

Maybe Pizza Bill should try going commando. I bet it would greatly reduce the severity of his ass chap. Just sayin’.

Yes indeed, the Glory of GAWD has sent summer unto Bagwine, Ohio and I am slam damn happy about it. Hell, even my shadow is happy…

Well folks, have a wonderful Sunday in your neck of the woods. I am off to see Ryno before he goes to Church and then I shall proceed to put some tan on my pasty white body.

Oh, and drink more than a few beers, because as I said earlier, the beer tastes better in the Summer.

Amen, and Amen…

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiday so finger me like your keyboard and wrap your legs around my hard drive ‘cause I am singin’ in the Key of F5.

Damn right Bitches, I’m your personal refresh key so touch me…TOUCH ME!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

Bom bom feedle bom, and dosey doe in your underwear, I wanna dance dammit!! I’m off today. What to do? What to do?

I need to walk to the Beer Mine and get my check this morning. Nice day for a walk, partly cloudy and 80. Not too nice for Pizza Bill though. He’s working from 10-9 today. Ha.

Temps in the 80s and busy on a Friday at the Beer Mine. I’m putting out an Ass Chap Alert!! Don’t go near Pizza Bill today, Whoa Nellie…He will have a major case of Ass Chap today.

Bill will be sweating and yeastifying all over his ass and the rest of his nether regions. Poor fella. Ha!! Ass Chap, what a freak that boy be. And I call Pizza Bill a freak…

Hell, I commented to Evil Twins Wife that I have three testicles. I don’t, but the two I do have are huge.

They’re like super balls…especially when contrasted against my diminutive cock. But man, those boys can shoot gallons of spooge, and with force.

When I cum, it’s like someone stuck a pack of Pop Rocks and a dozen Alka-Seltzer tablets into a bottle of Pepsi. Whooooooooooosh. Old Faithful gots nothin’ on me. I’m Old Mattfull, Boo Yah!!

Shit…I should call Richard today. Haven’t talked to him in a couple of weeks. I bet the crazy bastard has another three dozen cats. He really needs to stop.

I should call my brother Marty too. Wow, what a fun day off.

My life sucks. After I get my check, I’m going to spend my time talking to a crazy old cat man, and my brother. Oh well, at least Marty is funny.

Maybe some hot chicks will want me to call them today, I mean I got nothing else to do. Drop me a line, Bitches…we’ll chat.

Ol’ Drive-By Mikey went mushroom hunting the other day. I wonder how the mushroom got its name. I mean, was it first discovered inside a room that was used by a sled dog trainer? Maybe I’ll Google that…or not.

Hankie Pankie…what a stupid term. Can one have Hankie without having Pankie? I guess it’s possible.

I mean, if I was looking at a picture of a hot chick and jacked off, I would be the only one doing anything and when I was done, I would definitely need a hankie…or a towel.

So yeah, I guess I could simply have Hankie.

I have an itch in my ear. I hate that. It’s too deep to get to without compacting all the wax into a brick. Dammit. Auuuugh. Annoying.

Now I’m all horny ‘cause I mentioned Hankie Pankie…Oh well. What? Ha…I should show my cock to everyone and I know a classic Inky and Lola that will show it…

Have a wonderful Friday all…let me refresh you if you’re bored today.

Cheers!!

Blake Lively Naked and Quick Draw Billy

What a beautiful day it is going to be. Sure another long 10-9 shift, but there is a spring in my step and a song in my heart.

As I did on Monday, I am going to walk to work again today. It just kinda gets my personal pep level up.

However since Monday was a long one and Tuesday is as well, I shall be brief.

Do you know what today is? Well, let me tell you…

Today on the pages of Bagwine Ruminations marks my 1,500th post since I cracked open a bottle of Wild Irish Rose and began pouring it all over the internets.

Damn right. 1,500 posts. Who knew I had so many words in me? Well, Schmoop has always has known that and oft times tells me to shut the fuck up for once, but well, I can’t.

Anyhoo…In order to celebrate such a milestone, I figured I would post a picture of the lovely Blake Lively naked…

I know what you’re saying, but trust me, in my mind she is completely naked and is riding me like a cowgirl. Giddy Up, Blake, Giddy Up!!

But alas, I must be off to work, and…oh…speaking of work; I finally got a picture of the fourth worker at the Beer Mine, Little Bill:

Little Bill works all day Sunday, and sometimes we wonder how he manages to do even that. We think he has a drug problem, the problem being he isn't taking any and probably should.

Isn’t he a pleasant looking fellow, but wait just a minute. Let’s expand the photo of this friendly looking guy:

What the…? He’s holding a fully loaded 9mm pistol!! Say hello to his little friend, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Drive-By Mikey and I were discussing this at work on Monday, and came to the same conclusion and I’m sure Pizza Bill would agree with us...

While we are all for the right to bear arms, some people just shouldn’t be allowed to have a gun, and Little Bill is definitely on that list.

With that, I want to thank all of you for stopping by now and then to partake of some Bagwine with me lo these many posts.

I plan on keeping it going provided I don’t assidently get shot by Quick Draw Billy.

Have a wonderful day everyone, and of course…

Cheers!!

Caption This, Bitch!!

Long 10-9 day today at the Beer Mine.

Speaking of the Beer Mine, I need your assistance.

I want to add a caption to the following picture, print it off, and frame it.

I am relying on you guys to come up with something funny, disgusting, rude, and/or completeley offensive to use as the caption.

Here's the picture, familiar to some of you, that needs to be captioned:

From left to right in the pic it is Drive-By Mikey, Matt, Pizza Bill.

I thank you in advance for your attempts at humor.

Yours in Christ,

Matt-Man

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Technical Difficulties and The Holy Trinity

It’s going to be a coolish, damp Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today.

My 11-7 shift at the Beer Mine will be less than pleasant weather wise, but I shall persevere nonetheless.

It was good to get back to work on Saturday and again today as being off with Schmoop for two days nearly killed me.

You know how much beer we drank? I don’t know either…that’s how much. Holy Cow. Me going back to work in a place that sells beer was my only refuge from drinking it.

I always slack on my reading of blogs when she’s off as well. I don’t get around to many because she gets all liquored up and starts pelting me with beer cans.

Makes it kinda hard to read, when my head is being pummeled with aluminum cylinders.

I haven’t be able to use Skype yet. My microphone isn’t configured correctly, but I think I am getting closer to fixing that problem.

I do want to thank Jay for trying to help me with the mic problem Friday afternoon.

He did his best to help me correct the problem but alas, my drunkenness, lack of technical skillz, and the fact that I was being pelted upside the head with beer cans was too much for him to overcome.

Oh well…I’ll figure it out, and I am back to my normal schedule. I’m gonna be a blog visiting mo-fo this week, and guess what?

We’re having a party on Bagwine Ruminations this Wednesday.

Damn right…It’s going to be a St. Patrick’s Day blowout on BR. I’m going to update throughout the day about all of the Celtic mischief and frivolity in which I will be engaging.

Sounds O’Fun, doesn’t it?

Well that is all for today’s service, but before I go, I leave you with this picture of Drive-By Mikey, myself, and Pizza Bill outside the Beer Mine this past Friday…

Have you ever seen three more handsome and trustworthy people in your life? Of course you have.

I like to think of us as The Holy Trinity. However, that beer can tossin’ bitch Schmoop, has a slightly different name for us…

A Trio of Fucking Twelve Year Olds.

Amen, and Amen…

Have a lovely Sunday all.

Cheers!!

Teeth Marks and Laughter

I want to thank all of you for all of the lovely birthday comments yesterday, I appreciate it. And of course…

Thanks one helluva lot for the pizza, Pizza Bill. It was fucking incredible as always.

I can’t believe you and your wife are so nice to me when I berate you so…Of course, since I screwed up Sunday, I have to cease that for awhile, dammit.

I’m sure Drive-By Mikey will have fun with this one after he’s finished giving me wrath of shit. Oy Vay!!

Anyhoo…Thanks Bill and thanks all y’all.

My brother Marty once again showered me with brotherly affection. He gave me a gift certificate to a local fave pizza place and a beautimous bottle of wine…

Damn right, Bitches…Gnarly Head Wine. Thank ya Marty-Boy!!

My son and his mom stopped by briefly on their way home from Cleveland where they watched Lebron James score 47 points as the Cavs defeated the Knicks Saturday night.

They gave me a new beard trimmer, because mine recently bit the dust. I dig it so, but…there was more. Ryno made a birthday card while they had lunch at Chipotle’s…

(click to enlarge)

Yeah, he drew my birthday card on a Chipotle napkin, and presented it to me at work. What a guy.

In addition to all of that, they brought me a big coffee and two double cheeseburgers from Micky D’s. Oddly, one of the double cheeseburgers looked like this when I opened the bag...

Yeah, Ryno left me some teeth marks and slobber on one of the burgers. What more could a dad ask for from their son?

Even though I wasn’t there when he did it, I can hear him laughing as he did.

And that, is the best present that I could ever hope for.

Happy Monday all, and here’s to the New Orleans Saints. There’s nothing like a good underdog story where the underdog pulls it out.

Cheers!!

Burgers, Schmoop, and Ass Chap

Another fun-filled weekend for the Matt-Man. So fun in fact that the Matt-Man is compelled to talk in that pretentious third person type of way that makes the Matt-Man more annoying than usual.

Yes indeed. Matt-Man will be working all weekend. Saturday 11-9 and tomorrow from 11-7. Don’t worry ‘bout Matt, Pizza Bill…

You simply enjoy spending time with your family in your nice warm home while Matt-Man freezes his nuts off doling out beer to the idiots of Bagwine, Ohio our loyal customers. The Matt-Man hopes that you get winter ass chap, sport.

Oy Vay…Okay I think the Matt-Man is done with the third person talk. The Matt-Man apologizes.

As I was off yesterday I asked the uber-sexy, soon-to-be-ragging Schmoop what she would like me to cook for din-din.

She had only one request. She said to me…

“Would you just make something normal for once? No Hot Dog Helper…no Cheesy Noodle Loaf…no other “wacky” creation that your twisted mind has come up with.”

She went on to say…

“We have hamburger. Why don’t you just make hamburgers. You know, real hamburgers. You pat them and mold them into round patties and the cook them…with cheese on top. Oh dear God. Can ya just do that for once!?”

After licking the wounds that had been suffered by my culinary ego, I acquiesced. I made hamburgers…plain, ordinary hamburgers, with one exception…

I shaped them like this…

Damn right. In spite of her outburst and attack on my culinary creations, I expressed my love by shaping the burgers into hearts.

Not only did I find this to be a nice gesture, I found it amusingly ironic that we would be eating burgers shaped in the very organ that would be getting clogged up by the fat contained in said burgers.

Maybe I’ll open up a restaurant that specializes in “Ironic Food”. Oh yeah, Bitches. This has possibilities written all over the bill of fare.

I will be working this idea up in my brain as I freeze my nuts off at work all weekend. And Pizza Bill..?

If you want a job at my new restaurant…your chapped ass is going to be working weekends.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Gold, Matt-Man, Gold!!

It’s going to be a wet Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today.

My 11-7 shift at the Beer Mine will be filled with plenty of squeegee action in between customers.

Speaking of the Beer Mine…I was thinking about my comedy act and I thought...

“Ya know, I could do a half hour or so just on the people I work with and not have to make anything up.”

Take our fearless and intrepid owner, Drive-By Mikey…

No, he’s not sleeping. He’s thinking. We never know what he is thinking about. We don’t want to know, because we’re certain whatever he’s thinking about is dark and disturbing.

Mikey has never made a mistake in his life and he’ll be the first to tell you that. He often says to me, “Matt-Man…being perfect is not all it’s cracked up to be, but I am what I am.”

Over his years of owning the Beer Mine, he has set the benchmark for customer service. His philosophy on that is defined by what he tells our customers when they gripe about paying $1.55 for a bottle Pepsi:

“If you don’t like our prices, Speedway’s down the street.”

Mutual respect from the customers towards him is evident as well, as I am often asked:

“Where the hell’s your dickhead boss.” or “Tell that owner of yours that he ain’t worth a shit.”

Mike is just as kind and concerned towards his employees.

When he did an inventory of all of our products a few months ago, there were very few things that were off. He praised us all by saying:

“The inventory was really good. It proves that you guys are getting better at stealing from me.” So warm, so human, so Mikey.

Mikey is also a farmer. He grows wheat, beans, corn, whatever and raises pigs as well. In fact right now, he is probably either feeding his pigs or fucking them. Ol’ Mikey is a wealth of material in waiting.

Of course I work with good ol’ Pizza Bill too…

Now Billy Boy makes a great pizza…

But…Bill is also a magician.

He can make cash and rolls of dimes disappear. That’s why his other nickname is, Five Dollar Bill. He’s also called Counterfeit Bill because he knows what one looks like. Well, at least he does now.

Bill doesn’t like the cold weather. He complains about it…of course he doesn’t like the hot weather either.

When it gets hot, he complains about getting, “ass chap.” I’m not sure what ass chap is, but it sounds like a combination of anal warts and a yeast infection.

We keep very regular hours but if some day you come to the Beer Mine during regular hours and the place is shut up for an hour or so, it’s because Pizza Bill is working but he had to close the doors in order to go to the bathroom and take a dump.

He also has a nice wife and cute kids, which to me proves two things. Some women sell themselves short and kids can still turn out well in spite of who their father is.

I also work with Dan…

Now Dan only works now and then. In fact I don’t know if he is still going to fill in at the Beer Mine. Maybe he’ll be back when the weather is warmer in case Pizza Bill’s ass chap flares up.

I do know one thing about Danny Boy. He melts and loses his senses at the sight of big busted chicks who are under 21.

Lastly, there is Little Bill. He works a day and a half a week during the warm months. He doesn’t work for us in the winter…mainly because he’s a big pussy.

Just kidding. He’s a nice guy, but there is something about him that makes us wonder something…

Is Little Bill on drugs all the time, or should he be on drugs all the time? He just ain’t right. Oddly enough, I have no picture of Little Bill, but I do have a short video of him, so enjoy…

With all of that out of the way I will say, Amen, and Amen.

Enjoy your Sunday all, and as I slave away today, please say a prayer for me that after all of those I have mentioned today read this post, I still have a job come Monday.

If I don't, at least I'll still have plenty of material.

Cheers!!

Kudos To You All

I have to work today…well, tonight anyway, because Pizza Bill is a big pussy and doesn’t like to close, but anyhoo…

Remind me to revisit my issues with Pizza Bill prior to my birthday, so I can guilt him in to giving me a free pizza for my birthday which, I might add, falls on the same day as the Super Bowl this year!!

Do you hear me, Bill? Well, do you punk!?

Okay…sorry…I digressed, and or whatever.

I haven’t been chatting it up of late because I have been working on my new site, and I can only do one thing at a time.

I am not a good multi-tasker unless you consider one who can toss a chick’s salad while he’s filling out his tax forms a good multi-tasker. And by the way, I deduct the cost of condoms on health grounds.

The chick’s health, not mine. But anyhow…

Since I will be working today and tomorrow, I wanted to take this time to thank all of you.

I asked for suggestions for my new site, and you all came through with great ideas.

I know…even though Schmoop thinks you’re a bunch of twelve year olds in grown up bodies, I dig all ya alls asses.

P-Man, Mick, Scott, David, Lu, Lady, Vin, Jay, Al, Di, Joker, Boo (mmmm, Boo), Doc and all of the others including my beloved, Rat. Y’all came through.

I want to give a special shout out to Isobel. Isobel just recently stopped by and drank the Bagwine. I think she digs it.

Isobel, who is a fellow Ohioan, gave me the skinny on a place near her that hires comedians. I want to thank her for taking the time to email me and passing the info on.

Okay…that’s all I got…merely a housekeeping kind of post. I hope you all enjoy yourselves while I am working this weekend.

And if you don’t?

Shame on you…

Cheers!!