I will be doling out the beer, pop, and smokes from the tunnel of love that is the Beer Mine.
For those of you unfamiliar with a beer drive-thru, the concept is simple. You drive your car through…we come to your car, get your order, and you leave with your smokes, pop, and alcohol.
Simple, no? Well, for most people it is. But on some people, that kindergarten concept is lost. Some oblivious ones ruin the beauty of driving through a place and leaving with beer for those in line behind them.
So, with the big weekend coming up, here are some rules to live by when coming to Drive-By Mikey’s Drive-Thru…
* Know what the hell you want. Don’t pull into the place and look around with a gaze of wonderment better suited for a 3 year old at Christmas. It’s beer, smokes, and pop, folks.
Just say, for example, “A 12 pack of Miller Lite and a pack of Marlboros in a box, please.” Do this, and we’ll have you on your way in under a minute. Do it not, and every driver behind you, will wish for a trash truck to ram you upon your exit.
* No stupid follow-up questions to my answers. Often I hear the following: “What kind of Arizona Tea do you have?” I respond, “Green and Sweet.” And then comes the stupid follow-up: “Do you have raspberry?”
Hellooooo. What the fuck did I just say? We have green and sweet. I am not lying to you in order to prevent you from drinking raspberry tea or anything else. Oh Dear God!!
* Have your damn ID with you. If I don’t know you and/or haven’t carded you before, chances are, I will card you even for smokes. I’m 44 years old for Godssakes, every young punk looks like they’re 17 to me.
And I don’t want to hear that you know Mikey, Pizza Bill, or Jesus Christ. Show me your ID and you can have your blunt wrap, and then go get high and nail your skank-ho girlfriend. Sorry, we don’t sell condoms.
* Hey Parents!? If you’re bringing your kids through? DO NOT wait until you enter to ask them what they want. They are KIDS. They’re STUPID and SPOILED.
* Hey Parents!? If you’re bringing your kids through? DO NOT wait until you enter to ask them what they want. They are KIDS. They’re STUPID and SPOILED.
Why don’t you do what my dad did, and TELL them what they want. Thank You.
* Turn your fucking cell phone off. It is really embarrassing for both of us if I have to say to you, “Get the hell out and come back in when you’re done being rude.”
* We are not a bank. If you want change, you’re going to have to buy something. If you’re desperate and need change for a fifty I’ll do it for you, but be prepared for a 10 dollar annoyance fee. Get it? Thanks.
* Fuck your EXACT change. If I tell you that your total is $14.17 don’t torture the line behind you and all of humanity by spending 4-5 minutes searching through your urine stained car for 17 cents. Either give me 15 dollars or a twenty, and I’ll get your change.
Don’t ask me, “Can you throw this away for me?” Do not ask me the prices of everything in the damn place before you end up leaving with a pack of gum. Do not, ask me if we have bread, hot dogs, or lighter fluid.
If you follow these simples rules, your trip through the Beer Mines will be a pleasant one for you and the person behind you.
And when everyone has a good experience, Matt-Man gets tipped…sometimes, like last night, quite a bit.
* Turn your fucking cell phone off. It is really embarrassing for both of us if I have to say to you, “Get the hell out and come back in when you’re done being rude.”
* We are not a bank. If you want change, you’re going to have to buy something. If you’re desperate and need change for a fifty I’ll do it for you, but be prepared for a 10 dollar annoyance fee. Get it? Thanks.
* Fuck your EXACT change. If I tell you that your total is $14.17 don’t torture the line behind you and all of humanity by spending 4-5 minutes searching through your urine stained car for 17 cents. Either give me 15 dollars or a twenty, and I’ll get your change.
Don’t ask me, “Can you throw this away for me?” Do not ask me the prices of everything in the damn place before you end up leaving with a pack of gum. Do not, ask me if we have bread, hot dogs, or lighter fluid.
If you follow these simples rules, your trip through the Beer Mines will be a pleasant one for you and the person behind you.
And when everyone has a good experience, Matt-Man gets tipped…sometimes, like last night, quite a bit.
However, if you fail to follow these rules, may God have mercy on your soul…Especially if you break them when Pizza Bill or Drive-By Mikey is waiting on you, because trust me…
They’re far bigger dickheads than I.
Cheers!!
33 comments:
We have some of those type establishments around major drinking hotspots..the river, campgrounds etc..
They have a runner actually put the beer and ice in your trunk or cooler.
But yeah don't be a shitcock blabbing away on a cellphone or by not making up your mind quickly or bubba will come down and dick slap you through the open car window.
Hammer: Some people are just more than rude...they're oblivious to everything and everyone around them. It's all about them. Cheers Hammer!!
sounds like you need a few days off , go down by the river bank, drown a few worms cuss to the sky, but then you have to go home,BUMMER it was just an idea
I would love to have one of them here so I didn't have to park in a large crowded parking lot with all the front spaces for those damn handi capped cars, then treck almost to the back of the huge store to get my beer. It's a long haul to the cheap beer.
Anony: Drowning worms is about all you and I get out of the fishing experience. Well that, and being mocked by the geese. Cheers D!!
Micky: As one who experienced it first hand, you know how damn cool it is to drive thru and get your beer. Cheers Mick!!
"...but I worked hard to get those urine stains in my car!..."
Phfrankie: Yes, but you, unlike some of the people I know, did it strictly for artistic purposes. I think. Cheers P-Man!!
ha ha Phfrankie :)
Maybe the owner should take this post(in a nut shell for time sake) and print it on a sign for the front of the building kinda like Pats in Philly which has how to order a sandwich directions. From what I understand if you don't order their way they will kick you out of line. We were prepared having read the sign and ordered as they requested. We didn't want to miss out on that cheese steak.
I heard some broohaha awhile back about a sign saying you have to SPEAK ENGLISH to order and the eatery was getting shit for the sign. Uhm hello Amereica is it not and we speak english as our primary language or did that get voted away yet? I think the sign was also at Pats.
I would card you because every young 44 yo looks like they’re 17 to me! I like the idea Ham came up with... I could use a good dickslap~
Can you just let me know exactly what beers you carry?
What is that six back...the one on the third shelf...no no the third shelf from the top...
OH never mind...I left my wallet at home...
Lu: Y'know...In spite of my courteous and fun loving nature, I hope that every customer recognizes that underneath, lies the ruthless efficiency and disdain for stupid people much like that of the Soup Nazi. Cheers!!
Cheesy: Well, card me all you want and then let me know if I measure up enough to administer said dick slap. Cheers Cheesy!!
Bond: The hypothetical series of questions and statement that you purveyed, is not completely out of the realm of possibility...sadly. Cheers Vin!!
If I came thru your drive thru I would know what I want, give you cash tell you to keep the change, tip you and give you a burger with a smile but they can't all be me ha ha ha.
I'll be in later for buttermilk and a rasberry Arizona tea. Have it ready, cause I'll be in God damn hurry!! Zoves!
Lu: Ha. I'll tell ya though Lu, there are more than a few who have do just that, including giving me a burger, chicken, or pizza. Cheers Pal!!
Schmoop: Even though we don't carry bread, the only thing you're getting when you come through, is a piece of hard toast and a poke in the eye. Zoves and Cheers!!
Dianne: As I mentioned yesterday, you get a pass. I'd even take your trash and throw it away for you. Hell, I'd even invite you in for hot sex in the beer cooler.
"Hop on that case of Bud Light baby, and let Matty pop your top."
Cheers Sexy!!
You forgot to mention the asswipes who want to BACK UP from said drive THROUGH instead of pulling forward when finished. Shithead, you just backed INTO MY FRICKIN' CAR!!
Songbird: I have actually seen that happen, once. Cheers!!
You guys sell blunt wraps and beer but no condoms? But they all go together so perfectly.
One of the times I was in Dayton we went to one of those drive through beer joints. They're pretty cool, but if you want anything other than nasty American piss water you should go somewhere else.
One of these days I'm might make a special road trip up there just to drive through and start asking you if you have any good Belgian beers? No? Maybe some from the Czech Republic? Then I'll start asking about obscure micro brews just to piss you off even further. Then when you're just about to blow up I'll ask for a bag of Doritos and a 12 ounce Pepsi and pay you in nickels dimes and pennies.
Damn that would be fun. ;-)
Jay: Trust me...You wouldn't make it through all of that. There is a tipping point between being nice and asking someone to move along...
You would cross it when asking about Czech beer, I've already been asked about Belgian beer. Cheers Jay!!
LMFAO!
This was one of the FUNNIEST posts you've written (in my oh-so-humble opinion)!
I think you should go to one of those sign places and get these printed up - EXACTLY how you wrote them! Or maybe a flyer under their windshield wiper blade as they wait in line??
I think I should ride out there with Jay and give you a bit of heart failure!
Dana: It's simply things that should be taught in Driver's Ed. As for you and Jay giving me heart failure? Maybe a year ago it would have bothered me, but I am now impervious to even intentional stupidity now...although it obviously still annoys me. Cheers!!
Oh, that's great! I laughed out loud! You are hiLARious!
I've never experienced the joy of the Tunnel-of-Beer-Love, sadly, but for some reason your post made me think of my Dad driving through McDonald's:
He wanted two cups of coffee. He hollered at the speaker [unintelligible reply from Burger King reject] gave it another try [squawk, bleat "would you like cheese with that?"]. Dad, starting to lose patience: "Two coffees, HOLD THE CHEESE!"
Have a great day, m'dear!
Yeah, well, I mention it because I was the one who GOT HIT by the moron who couldn't get the concept of DRIVE THROUGH. Drinking too much American piss water, to be sure.
Desert Rat: Ah, customer service is such a lost art. We, on the other hand are masters of it. And masters at catching a look at cleavage all the while never taking our focus away from the customer. Cheers Rat!!
Songbird: I like American Beer but not a big fan of getting hit by a car in a drive thru. Cheers!!
Sadly, there is not a heaven on Earth known as the drive-thru liquor store in MA. We all have to actually exit our cars and go inside to ask our dumb questions. Although considering the mindset of most of the drivers in this state (every man for himself) that's probably a good thing. Stupid Mass-holes!
"In spite of my courteous and fun loving nature, I hope that every customer recognizes that underneath, lies the ruthless efficiency and disdain for stupid people much like that of the Soup Nazi"
Shut up Matt! You are blowing our collective cover giving this away. Remember, we want the stupid people to underestimate us ;)
I want drive through beer places. Oregon really does suck.
Mystery: Can't buy liquor in the drive thrus, only beer and wine. Ya still have to get out and go inside a store to get liquor. Cheers Chick!!
Starr: The stupid people that I know are such that I can announce anything to them and they still wouldn't get it. So no worries. Cheers!!
In MA you can only buy beer and wine in liquor stores (we call 'em package stores or packies) and the occasional grocery store.
Mystery: Yeah, I've heard the term, Package Store. In Ohio one can get beer and wine most anywhere. We like to drink and drive in Ohio. Cheers Chick!!
I'm astounded that the beer mine hasn't jumped on the idea of the profit center of condoms.
And I've always loved the irony of drunk driving laws vs drive thru alcohol purchases.
hope you manage to enjoy the weekend.
Oh...44? the camera hates you almost as much as it hates me.
David: The camera hates me? Now that was just plain hurtful. Cheers!!
I would turn off the cell...buy bagwine...and use exact change....you got a 20/80 chance of cleavage.
Actually...I'd have to park outside and walk through your drive thru the first time. So that I knew what you carried and what things cost.
Otherwise I'd be asking too many questions...
you should become the condom product guy.
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