Yesterday I gave you Schmoop, and today, making his Bagwine Ruminations debut, Schmoop‘s brother…
David!!
And thus I give you, our new segment…
David Says: Now Dig It…
Hi all, David here. Now dig it, or don’t. I really don’t care. I mean, I’d like for you to read this, but if you don’t…
What the fuck, it’s Matthew’s blewwwwg, not mine.
David!!
And thus I give you, our new segment…
David Says: Now Dig It…
Hi all, David here. Now dig it, or don’t. I really don’t care. I mean, I’d like for you to read this, but if you don’t…What the fuck, it’s Matthew’s blewwwwg, not mine.
So be it, he asked me to do this, and I love him (unlike my Curse of Eve sister, who just pretends to).
How do you feel about obituaries? I mean, obituaries as they appear in the newspaper…
I love to read them. I mean, as long as they’re not family members…well, for the most part.
For those of you who live in the Midwest, or in parts of the south, or in those spots of California where the sheep outnumber those who are fucking them, ever read an obituary about a farmer?
Holy Cow!! These bastards live longer than the dirt they’re tilling.
They sow beans, grow alfalfa, tat hay, whatever, for 50-75 years. And then? They kick the cow’s milk bucket. They go to that great barn in the sky.
Who shows up for their funeral? Nobody. You know why? Because they were a Son of a Bitch!!
I wish more people would do that. Not show up I mean, and more importantly, write a obituary that is truthful.
The way I look at it…If people truly loved and cared for a person, by all means, write something nice. But…
If the non-breathing, SOB was a prick, and who was a barnacle on the back of others, let me write it.
Something like this…
Bud Shitgig died on April 32, 2019. He was a snot nosed kid when he was young and a dirty bastard when he was older.
He ran around on his wife. He was never there for his children (who half of them by the way, were illegitimate) or his family. We’re so very glad you are gone, you dirty fuckin’ prick.
Take That, Mr. Shitgig.
How do you feel about obituaries? I mean, obituaries as they appear in the newspaper…
I love to read them. I mean, as long as they’re not family members…well, for the most part.
For those of you who live in the Midwest, or in parts of the south, or in those spots of California where the sheep outnumber those who are fucking them, ever read an obituary about a farmer?
Holy Cow!! These bastards live longer than the dirt they’re tilling.
They sow beans, grow alfalfa, tat hay, whatever, for 50-75 years. And then? They kick the cow’s milk bucket. They go to that great barn in the sky.
Who shows up for their funeral? Nobody. You know why? Because they were a Son of a Bitch!!
I wish more people would do that. Not show up I mean, and more importantly, write a obituary that is truthful.
The way I look at it…If people truly loved and cared for a person, by all means, write something nice. But…
If the non-breathing, SOB was a prick, and who was a barnacle on the back of others, let me write it.
Something like this…
Bud Shitgig died on April 32, 2019. He was a snot nosed kid when he was young and a dirty bastard when he was older.
He ran around on his wife. He was never there for his children (who half of them by the way, were illegitimate) or his family. We’re so very glad you are gone, you dirty fuckin’ prick.
Take That, Mr. Shitgig.
Isn’t that how it should go? I thought so.
I want to thank Matthew for this time, and I hope to see you all next Friday. If not? Whatever.
I’ll still be around. You’ll be dead. And, I’ll write your frickin’ obit. Get over it.
Have a nice day…or die, I really don’t care. But if you could, leave a comment first, so I know that I made a difference.
I want to thank Matthew for this time, and I hope to see you all next Friday. If not? Whatever.I’ll still be around. You’ll be dead. And, I’ll write your frickin’ obit. Get over it.
Have a nice day…or die, I really don’t care. But if you could, leave a comment first, so I know that I made a difference.
Dig It,
David
29 comments:
If my obit doesn't contain at least 3 fuck yous and a sombitch I'll know I failed somewhere.
Hammer: Ha. Shouldn't that be the same for everyone? Cheers Hammer!!
The only thing I want my obit to do is make the girl I had a crush on in 6th grade feel really fucking guilty.
Enjoy your new Friday gig here in the bloggerhood. Or don't. I don't really care. ;-)
Welcome Brother Dave!
Whoa Mormon Utah flashback....
Anyhow I am pretty sure that my obit is gonna read "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead!"
Not sure Brother Dave is my cup of tea..maybe it is the recent deaths in my clan that make me sensitive to his lack of tack...or maybe I just don't get his sense of humor or better yet his lack of it...I DO know that you and Schmoop's work is not done with dear ole Dave..or then again maybe it could be that he just suffers from lil prick syndrome, those are the ones that always irritate the crap outta me..
I am qualified to answer this inaugural post as I actually live in the part of California where the sheep outnumber (that would be one) those who are fucking them (that would be zero)
I do read obits about plenty of farmers...some of whom I knew. Some are sonsofbitches....some are real great guys.
(Is Bro D gonna respond in the comment section himself? Ya'know...he looks more like you than schmoop....)
You made a difference, just not sure how. Maybe next time you could dig yourself deeper into the blewgggggg.
Sorry. I just felt the urge to say it myself up there.
Jay: Ha. Poetic justice indeed. I am sure he'll appreciate your last line as well. Cheers!!
Starr: Can I still do ya once you're gone? Cheers!!
Snugs: Sorry about your losses but I find Dave funny. Especially in real time when these gems just pop out in such a matter of fact manner. Cheers Snugs!!
Kat: D reads obits religiously. He never misses one. He would respond himslef but as a guy who just entered the 21st Century (first computer and has never typed before) a couple of months ago, he'd still be tryiing to type his response to Hammer!! Cheers Kat!!
Micky: I wish he had stopped by when youu were here. He's a hoot. Cheers Mick!!
Fantasy: No worries. I think he was being "nice" this go around. I've already read his next entry...There's a fuck or two in that one. Cheers Meg!!
Necrophila?! How Goth!!
And for what it's worth, Snugs that was rude. You don't have to enjoy everything posted but calling Matt's virtual brother in law and friend and Schmoops brother a "little prick syndrome" sufferer tacky and rude.
Starr: Write it in your will baby:
"Every month, once a day, even after I have passed on, Matt-Man has to proposition me."
Purrrrr...As for Snugs, I actually liked her comment in a way. At least she said that she hated the post and didn't just ignore it.
Y'know...kinda like what I do to Uncle Charlie and his readers.
Cheers Hot Stuff!!
I'm humming 'It's a Family Affair' - I wonder who is next!
I have my own obit ready to go the moment I go - it simply says
I had the photos and they are now on their way to the papers and the police
Let the fucking living sort it out
Dianne: Ha. We have Sly Stone over every weekend to have drinks with us.
We'd have Buffy over as well, but, alas, I think she OD'd. What a fucking shame.
NOW...when you want to join our family we'll all be happy. Oh yeah, I have a Jim Jones thing going on. Cheers Sexy!!
Sly is kinda bugshit craaazaaay these days. I'd toss the Purple one into the mix.
Starr: Ha. Yet another example as to why I zoves you. Cheers!!
You may zoves me, but I am still Schmoop's Dark Lord ;)
Starr: Ya just had to go there, dintcha? I am soooo dissed. Cheers!!
Nah Schmoop is my lady in waiting and you get to be the court bard. Run, Bardlet, and fetch us forth a dirty limrick!
Does matt-man even do his own blog posts anymore? Why that lazy.... oh wait, I did the same trick just a week or so ago. Hope he paid you well...
I love to check out the nicknames in the obits--makes me giggle everytime
and Snugs--if you are going to critique at least spell the word right--it is 'tact'. I've lost plenty of folks close to me recently and it still didn't kill MY sense of humor
Starr: Anything else? Please? I'll do whatever. Cheers!!
VE: Only being required to post 5 days instead of 7 is uber cool. Cheers!!
TB: Ha. And I bet the old dead people say to thmeselves, "Why the hell did they call me Skippy in my obit. I was 88 for God's Sake!!"
And yeah, always got keep that sense of humor. Cheers Sexy!!
Hey there Dave, welcome to the 'sphere. I don't have much time but wanted to say howdy and fuckin' Ae right :) have a good one y'all!
ya know...he looks more like you than he does schmoop...
maybe we need to see his ass in little pink heart pajamas....
please.
Lu: You are too kind. Cheers Lu!!
Kat: There is a line of thinking that I am really Dave's long lost brother and that Schmoop is adopted. I'll run the pajama picture by him. Cheers Kat!!
Just passing through...
Songbird: I see that. Cheers!!
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