I'm Suffering From Mental Mesothelioma

Look at my Bagwine header!! Isn’t it great? I think so. It’s so cool seeing my face up there and you know what it says to me? It says…

“I have to do this every day now!!”

OMFG!!

So, I am sitting here in my luxurious office, breathing asbestos, and reading blogs performing my duties with the utmost skill and care, as I dream of becoming famous with this blog.

However, I have a problem…

I can’t be a Mommy Blogger, ‘cause I gots no kids…unless of course, you count my cat Corky, my boss Bill, and the pain in my ass, Matt-Man.

I can’t be a Daddy Blogger ‘cause I gots no penis…and once again of course, as stated above, no kids.

Well, I may have my adopted Chinese boy-son Petey soon, but I have yet to find him. Oh I know!!

I could be a food blogger. I love food!! Wait…I don’t cook. How many posts could I write that involve my love for Totinos Frozen Pizzas?

I know…

I’ll just be the sweet, lovable, sarcastic bitch that I am. If I do that, surely I’ll be rolling in the dough in no time, dontcha think? Hello?

Is this thing on?

Just know my pretties…

I may be rude, crude, and socially unacceptable, but...

I will always respect the history and lineage of Bagwine Ruminations, and will do my best to live up to the high office that Matt-Man has bestowed upon me, as its caretaker.

So, give me my fucking Bagwine tiara; I am making this blog my bitch!! I mean…

As soon as I get done coughing up this day’s worth of asbestos.

And remember to go visit my boys Jay and Matt-Man over at their new digs on, I'm With Stupid at:

www.iwsradio.blogspot.com

Zoooooves!!

Between Heaven and Hell, Lies Dirty Laundry

So I guess the reins of this here Bagwine blog are now truly mine.  So, tell Mahone to get HIS tired, stale shit off of MY sidebar....Jeez.

Hmm…

Well, how was that for a post? No? But I’m cute, doesn’t that count for anything?

God, all y’all suck. Okay, let’s try this…

Saturday is laundry day around these parts, and I always take the laundry up to my brother Dave’s house to do it.

This past Saturday, I was doing just that, and as typical, after the first top is popped, a philosophical discussion ensued.

Dave and I were talking about dying and well hopefully, going to heaven. D (as I call him) pipes up and asks…

“So what if you end up in heaven after you die and all the people you have ever hated in life were there? Do you have to live with that shit all over again?”

That is some heavy stuff right there, people. Or not…He continued…

“Do you just sit around up in heaven, or is there stuff to do? Are there neighborhoods up there?”

All very valid questions, so how do I respond? By giggling and grabbing another beer, however; D wanted answers and he persisted so I finally responded…

“D, who the fuck cares? God is not going to let us in anyway.”

D replied with an inquiry…

“Where do you think Dad is?”

I reply…“Ummm, you damn well know where Dad is dumbass, and yeah…HIM we’ll see.”

And there you have it, another Saturday morning existential journey for truth completed.

I know that I said last Friday that funny would return this week, but c’mon, I didn’t say on which day this week.

Anyway…It’s my blog now, so I can do anything I want with it, boo yah!! 

If I want to suck, I will suck. Wait…that didn’t come out right. Ha!! Neither did that!!

Oh well…

I guess, I use this blog to crack my own damn self up, and you all can worry ‘bout yourselves. But truly? I love all of you pretty people.

Make sure you wander over to the new I’m With Stupid blog that Jay and Matt-Man have launched. 

You can listen to their show, see hot pics of babes, and have some laughs because they are some witty motherfuckers.

The website address is:

www.iwsradio.blogspot.com 

See ya tomorrow my pretties…

Zoooooves!!

Confessions of a Neophyte Blogger

Hi Gang.

I have a confession…

I’m no writer.

I keep trying to tell Matt-Man this, but he won’t listen. He wants me to continue this blog while he works on another project.

Me…By Myself.

Personally, I think the mofo is out of his mind.

See, the thing is…Matt is very, very smart. 

Don’t get me wrong; I’m smart as well, but that cat is the epitome of smart. He knows and retains things most of us will never know, or care to know.

Matt and his partner in internet radio crime, Jayman, are very similar in this way, although…

Jayman may be smarter, because he didn’t turn his blog over to me.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I don’t think I am worthy of this responsibility. Some of you may think...

“It’s just a blog…What’s the big deal?”

Well, it’s not just a blog. 

Over 1,900 posts and five plus years, Matt-Man has not only poured out a lot of laughs on here, he has poured out his heart and soul as well.

I know this may sound very lame and dramatic to many of you. I understand, and I am not throwing a pity party, but this truly does concern me.

I’d hate to see Matt-Man’s hard work go down the tubes of the internets because of me.

Sorry for the maudlin mood, but I needed to get that out there. I’ll keep plugging away, but this is way harder than I thought.

Thanks go out to Matt for having the confidence in me that I lack in myself…or something like that.

See all you pretty people tomorrow…

Zoooooves!!

P.S.  Eleven days until Matty Boy's big announcement!!

Bradley Cooper

After five years, nearly 1,900 posts, and over 700,000 words, Bagwine Ruminations™ and yours truly, are shutting down for some re-tooling and relaxation until Friday, May 27^th.

The reasons are simple.

As Schmoop told me the other day...

“You’re phonin’ it in, Ma-Hone.” 

And, she’s right…in a way.

It’s not that I have been phonin’ it in, it’s that I have lost purpose and focus on what I write about on Bagwine Ruminations.

It’s as though BR has often and of late, become a mere commercial for the award winning and highly rated Blog Talk Radio show that my buddy Jayman and I do on Saturdays and Mondays, I’m with Stupid.

I have to separate the two to a degree. I mean, I am going to always give a head’s up to our upcoming shows on here, and I will put up the latest archived edition of IWS, but that has to be secondary.

Fortunately, my radio partner in crime, Jay Bone Thug, has made that easier to do. I’m With Stupid now has a number of ways in which to be contacted.

We have a Tumblr account: IWS Tumblr

We have a Twitter account:  IWS Twitter

And…

We have an IWS e-mail account:  IWS_Radio@yahoo.com

So, gang you can always catch I’m With Stupid fun facts and punditry at those internets locales…
 

I also always update show info on my Facebook page and on my Twitter account which you can access on my right sidebar.

So really…I think keeping Bagwine Ruminations and IWS separate to a degree is no longer a problem; however…

I do need to refocus and take a couple of days off in order to get back to making the funny on BR like I have in the past.

I thought this was the perfect time to do just that because Friday the 27^th is significant in a way.

This Friday, May 27^th will mark the beginning of the sixth year of Bagwine Ruminations on Blogger, and while it has become a struggle at times to write something EVERY FUCKING DAY...

I hope to continue to do so for a long time to come, and hope what I write is at least halfway decent.

So there you have it folks…

Oh and the pictures, and post title? They have nothing to do with the post. 

I have to keep my numbers up while I’m away, and the pictures and title I used and how I labeled them will insure just that.

I may be unfocused, but I still have some deadly SEO skills.

Lastly, as I said I will continue to do…Here’s the latest episode of I‘m With Stupid from yesterday. 

It’s pretty funny and you can listen to it by utilizing the handy dandy BTR Machine:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Until Friday my friends, and as always…

Cheers!!

Miley Cyrus 18th Birthday and Bill Ray Cyrus' Divorce...It's A Family Affair!!

Happy Tuesday Chuckleheads!!

Time to discuss a couple of very important milestones in Pop Culture.

You know what today is? Today is exactly a mere two weeks before Miley Cyrus celebrates her 18th Birthday.

My middle-aged libido is all a-twitter. Woo Hoo!!

My fantasies cannot wait until November 23rd comes and I get to celebrate Miley’s legality. And celebrate it I shall!! How you ask?

I shall celebrate her 18th Birthday with a birthday cake, Google Images, and a bottle of Gold Bond Medicated lotion. Hummina Hummina, I’ll have a hard on bigger than the Hannah Montana sky!!

Some of you may find my remarks disturbing, but there’s something involving Miley that is even more disturbing.

Just recently her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus, filed for divorce from his wife and Miley’s mom, Tish. Coincidence? I think not.

I think the timing of Billy Ray filing is more than a coincidence, as it comes on the precipice of Miley Cyrus’ 18th Birthday.

I sense that Billy Ray is planning a little Papa John and Mackenzie Phillips action on the newly legal Mizz Miley.

I know…I know. I find it troubling as well, however…

At least Billy Ray has waited until Miley turns 18 to leave his wife and attempt to precipitate some paternal Cooter Scootin’ Boogie on the nubile Mizz Miley.

I admire that, and let me tell you…Come November 23rd, I’ll be admiring Miley Cyrus in a whole new way as well.

Our second pop culture milestone to celebrate is a follows…

Yesterday, Monday November 8th, was the 1,700th post on Bagwine Ruminations. How big is that!?

Figuring conservatively at an average of 350 words per post, that’s nearly 600,000 words that have graced the pages of Bagwine Ruminations.

That’s a lot of words…Many of which have been actual words. And my friends, what have we learned through my myriad of words?

Not a damn thing, and I like that, because it gives me something to shoot for. I like having goals.

Lastly…

Remember that Jay and I are looking for folks who would like to have their blog pimped out on our I’m With Stupid show on Blog Talk Radio that airs on Fridays at 11 PM EST.

If you’d like to be interviewed by Jay and I on the air send us an email and we’ll schedule you for an interview.

The first installment of the pimp out will be this Friday.

Have a wonderful day all, and as always…

Cheers!!

Big Head, Lotsa Shit

My mind has been running amok of late. I have a lot of shit bouncing around in it right now.

As you know I have a huge noggin…literally and figuratively, so…

That is indeed a lot of shit smacking and smattering against the walls of my grey matter.

Thusly…

Unless something earth shattering happens about which I feel compelled to write, I shall be taking a break from Bagwine Ruminations until Wednesday.

I apologize in advance for this short interruption of the daily frivolity.

Well…

I guess I am apologizing in quasi-real time, and not in advance.

If I had apologized in advance, I would have given you a heads up last week indicating my intent.

So, I guess I’ll apologize now, for not apologizing in advance, along with apologizing for the brief time out.

To clarify…That’s two apologies, of which, neither were in advance, but still very much from the heart, or something.

Anyhoo…

Cheers!!

Bagwine Reflections

“Brevity is the soul of wit…”
--Polonius...Hamlet, Act II Scene II

“When writing humor or satire, toss in the word, “fuck.” It never fails to fucking crack me up.”
--Matt-Man...Every fucking day

Tomorrow will be the last day of year four of Bagwine Ruminations. As I am working all day Saturday, I thought today would be a good day to reflect.

It has been fun and more than a bit challenging at times to put something at least somewhat humorous or thought provoking out every day. However, and fortunately…

The Creator has endowed me with a ginormous sense of humor, which is only fair, because the omnipotent fucker sure as hell shafted me on penis length.

Over the past four years and 1,500+ posts, much like my gonorrhea, I have tried to spread my humor to as many people as possible.

What have we learned over these past four years from this site? Sarah Palin is an idiot. The far left and the far right are comprised of morons, and more importantly and fortunately for me, stupid never takes a holiday.

And my friends, what have we learned about my favorite subject...me?

Many things. I dig chicks with big tits. I absolutely love Wild Irish Rose, and we have learned that my most frequent sex partner is my hand.

In fact, I jacked off three times before going to work yesterday.

Once to a picture of Tyra Banks naked. Once to a memory of a chick I banged in college, and during the last and best autoerotic massage, I was staring at this image:

Sweet Baby Jeebus, that is one fucking sexy looking burger. Hardee’s? You RAWK!!

Anyhoo…I think we have learned that I write halfway goodly. I have some comedic moments, and I have no problem saying what is on my mind.

Not everyone appreciates my honesty, but you know what? Fuck em’. I am honest about my fallacies, failures, and fuck-ups so deal with it, all of you chuckleheads of whom I make fun.

We have also learned that I’ll write about anything and in any genre. Hell, just yesterday, longtime Bagwine buddy Dana said that this picture made her think of me:
I’m not sure that that accurately describes me. After all, I rarely write tragedies. But, this leads me to something else.

It’s been a pleasure interacting with all of you guyz and galz. Many of you are like Dana.

She has a knack for knowing when I am in a good mood and then in some form or fashion, calls me an asshole to bring me down.

I like that. Oh sure, Schmoop calls me an asshole, but she typically calls me an asshole everyday, so when you guys do it, it means so much more. I thank you for that.

‘Cause, while I am a pretty nice guy, I can be crass and can be an asshole. I guess you could call me a crasshole.

But, to all of you…I thank you for spending part of your past four years with me. I hope that year five of Bagwine Ruminations remains as drunk as it has in the past.

And with a little luck, year five will hold a couple of surprises.

Have a lovely Friday, and as always…

Cheers!!

Blake Lively Naked and Quick Draw Billy

What a beautiful day it is going to be. Sure another long 10-9 shift, but there is a spring in my step and a song in my heart.

As I did on Monday, I am going to walk to work again today. It just kinda gets my personal pep level up.

However since Monday was a long one and Tuesday is as well, I shall be brief.

Do you know what today is? Well, let me tell you…

Today on the pages of Bagwine Ruminations marks my 1,500th post since I cracked open a bottle of Wild Irish Rose and began pouring it all over the internets.

Damn right. 1,500 posts. Who knew I had so many words in me? Well, Schmoop has always has known that and oft times tells me to shut the fuck up for once, but well, I can’t.

Anyhoo…In order to celebrate such a milestone, I figured I would post a picture of the lovely Blake Lively naked…

I know what you’re saying, but trust me, in my mind she is completely naked and is riding me like a cowgirl. Giddy Up, Blake, Giddy Up!!

But alas, I must be off to work, and…oh…speaking of work; I finally got a picture of the fourth worker at the Beer Mine, Little Bill:

Little Bill works all day Sunday, and sometimes we wonder how he manages to do even that. We think he has a drug problem, the problem being he isn't taking any and probably should.

Isn’t he a pleasant looking fellow, but wait just a minute. Let’s expand the photo of this friendly looking guy:

What the…? He’s holding a fully loaded 9mm pistol!! Say hello to his little friend, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Drive-By Mikey and I were discussing this at work on Monday, and came to the same conclusion and I’m sure Pizza Bill would agree with us...

While we are all for the right to bear arms, some people just shouldn’t be allowed to have a gun, and Little Bill is definitely on that list.

With that, I want to thank all of you for stopping by now and then to partake of some Bagwine with me lo these many posts.

I plan on keeping it going provided I don’t assidently get shot by Quick Draw Billy.

Have a wonderful day everyone, and of course…

Cheers!!

Happy Valentine's Day From Matt-Man

In case you haven’t noticed, all this week I have been talking about love.

Even within Tuesday’s three legged race post with Stephen Hawking , I mentioned having sex with Bristol Palin so that counts as a love post too.

I’ve been building up to Valentine’s Day all week…ack ack…not a big fan. Don’t get me wrong…

I think people showing their love for one and other is a good thing, but V-Day much like wedding anniversaries, has become a time to berate “stupid” men into buying over priced crap for their wife or girlfriend.

But, I wanted to take this Friday before Valentine’s Day to say something to you all.

I love you, one and all…and yes, I mean that.

When I was in the hospital four months ago, I got over 100 emails from you guys.

The 88 year old man who brought the emails in everyday always chuckled and thought I was some kind of rock star. The look on his face was the highlight of my stay.

I received more than a few phone calls as well. And let me tell ya…When you’re in the hospital and all you can do is watch is FOX News, a phone call is quite well received.

So…

I just want to take this Friday to say Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you loveable nut jobs. In addition to Schmoop and Ryno, you all make my life worth a damn.

I may be one sarcastic, sometimes son of a bitch, occasionally over the top asshole, but I love all you guys. And, in spite of all my faults, love and loyalty are two of my few virtues.

With all of the stupid, man-hating ads that will be shown between now and Sunday, I wanted to tell you all that there isn’t one regular Bagwine commenter to whom I wouldn’t give all I had.

The shirt off my back…my last ort of food…my last penny. Our door is always open for any and all of your simple asses.

I figure that smart, sarcastic, and uber-hot mother fuckers like us need to stick together in this day and age of non-thinking, tea bagging, Sarah Palin would make a good President, kinda times.

Anyhoo…To all of you:

I want to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day and with it, the love that comes along with it. I do love you guys.

I will always have your back. I will always wish the best for you. I will always appreciate your friendship.

With that being said…I have to post a poem that my dad wrote for my mom in his book Credo, and that I could easily, and do, dedicate to Schmoop as well...

To Mary Anne

Come take my hand and walk with me,
the pilgrim paths that used to be.

When each new day was bright and bold,
and all our dreams were cast in gold.

On stepping stones, we'd ford the brook
with clear, white wine and one good book.

My knowing heart would follow there,
your mud-caked shoes and wind-blown hair.

But now the paths are washed away;
the stream's entombed in tiles of clay.

Love's old sweet songs have all been sung;
the world's grown old, but we've stayed young.

We'll find new paths, somehow, somewhere;
you seek them out, I'll follow there.

Have a wunnerful V-Day weekend all, and as always...

Cheers!!

Schmoop Needs a Shove

I need your help. We are snowed in. My BFF/OSP, Schmoop (pictured above circa 1988) is home today, and I thought this would be a good time for her to write a post.

She hasn't done that in awhile, so dammit, she should post something on here for Thursday.

Tell her that you want her...that you need her...that you desire her to write something.

Any encouragement would be most appreciated.

Sincerely,

The Bagwine Staff

aka...Matt-Man

Cheers!!

Sending Out The Matt Signal

I have nothing today other than a request for your suggestions.

As I told you a couple of weeks ago, I am going to start up another website that will be my home page for luring people to hire me for comedy gigs.

I have been creating a database of radio, TV, newspaper, and comedy clubs which to alert as to my skillz and my site, but now I need help with something.

I need to start creating the site itself.

As you know this is my banner on Bagwine Ruminations…


It has the title and a tag line below the picture. It’s cute. It has me on the banner, which of course, makes it cute.

At this point, for my new site, I have decided on using the following picture in my new website banner.

I know, I use it often, but I dig it and it has attitude. Here’s where you come in.

I am asking for suggestions from you as to what the title above the picture should be, and what if any, should the tag line below the picture be.

(Keep in mind, the title should reflect that I am looking for comedy, speaking, and/or pundit jobs.)

If I use your suggestion, you will be duly and generously compensated once I begin to make money off of any gigs that I get from the new site.

And trust me, I’m generous to a fault, just ask my ex...if she was in a good mood she would even admit it.

That’s all I have today. Please let me know if you have any ideas either through the comments or in an e-mail.

I have a few ideas, but it is always better to look for thoughts from people who are detached from the question at hand.

So please…help me out you smart, sarcastic, lovable bastards, you.

Cheers!!

1,400 Posts Later, The Bagwine Is Still Flowing

Today marks my 1,400th installment on Bagwine Ruminations. I thought it was a good time to revisit something that I had done long ago but do little of now.

It is a theme that I call, Ask the Bag Man, where “people” ask me questions about Wild Irish Rose.

The questions and answers that appear below were first published in 2006 when Bagwine Ruminations was but a couple of months old and had maybe six readers a day.

After nearly four years and 1,400 posts, I thought I should revisit the impetus and attitude for this website…that being my affection and knowledge about Bagwine in general and Wild Irish Rose in particular.

Enjoy…

Dear Matt-Man:

My name is Horton and I am seven years old. My dad was drunk on Wild Irish Rose and accidentally put our cat into the dryer while doing laundry…little Pussy-Boots died.

He said that if I tell Mommy that I did it, Santa Claus will bring me everything I want this Christmas. Should I lie for my dad and wait for Santa to reward me, or should I tell the truth?

A Frustrated First Grader in Beavercreek

Dear Frustrated:

Your father was probably not drunk. I am sure that he was simply trying to find the reality that only Rose can offer. You, on the other hand need some reality from the Matt-Man. First of all, Horton is a stupid name, as is Pussy-Boots, so I am glad your cat is dead.

Secondly, there is no Santa Claus. Your mom and dad are the ones who buy the Christmas presents for you in order to keep your spoiled, selfish ass quiet. That being said, lie for your dad and take the payola.

Oh, one other slice of reality for you, I’m sleeping with your mommy. Now, you’ve learned your lesson: “Reality goes better with Rose”.


Dear Matt-Man:

I’ve heard good things about Wild Irish Rose and would like to try it. Is there a “lite” or “low-calorie” version of Rose that we women who are watching our figures could purchase?

Craving a Lo-Cal Buzz

Dear Craving:

At this time there is no low calorie Rose available, and I am not sure that there should be one. I think to alter the natural goodness of this well balanced bouquet would be a travesty. Don’t fret, however. If you are new to Rose or drink enough of it, you won’t be able to keep anything down anyway.


Dear Matt-Man,

I had to buy my Wild Irish Rose at the Kroger grocery store last week. The chick at the checkout counter asked if I wanted paper or plastic. I froze and didn’t know what to say. How should I have responded?

Bagged in Springfield

Dear Bagged,

This is a very good question as most Wild Irish Rose is not purchased in grocery stores, unless it’s Bert and Ethel’s Corner Market next to the abandoned Jarts factory.

The answer is simple; would you really want to put something as tasty, true, and pure into something as artificial as a plastic bag? Of course not, be genuine…use paper.


Dear Matt-Man,

I am a novice Wild Irish Rose drinker. I am not certain which flavor of Rose goes with what dishes. Any suggestions?

Culinary Chaos in Dayton

Dear Chaos,

The great thing about WIR is that it is such a versatile vino. It goes with anything and everything. I really like the Red when I am serving hot dogs, frozen pizza, or Loosemeat Sandwiches. The White goes well with chicken nuggets, and really shines when complementing fried SPAM.

If you’re having one of your ladies over, I suggest a combination of oysters and the Wild Fruit with Ginseng. The oysters get her motor running and the Ginseng will help you keep it running. NOTE: Unless you like having colorful stool, there is no good reason to drink the Grape.


Dear Matt-Man:

I was trying to find reality through a bottle of Rose the other day and accidentally killed our cat by putting him in the dryer. I offered a bribe to my seven year old son to take the heat for me.

I told him Santa would be very generous this year. Was this wrong? Also, my wife came home the other night and she smelled like Wild Irish Rose. She doesn’t drink the stuff. Do you think she’s cheating on me?

Bewildered in Beavercreek

Dear Bewildered:

Of course you did the right thing. Kids, like pets, are there for adults to place blame upon, and yes, unlike with animals, a nice incentive seals the deal. As for whether your wife is cheating on you, I doubt it.

Perhaps she hides her love for WIR because she is a woman. One thing for certain, never pose this question to your lovely young son. It could cause emotional scars.

Here's to 1,400 posts and here's to 1,400 more. Have a great Hump Day all, and thanks for reading and partaking of the Bagwine.

Cheers!!

New Year's Eve 2009: Blog-a-Palooza with Matt-Man...A Pit Stop

Six O' Clock...Only six hours until midnight.

"But Matt-Man" you ask, "How can you party all day and still make it to ring in the New Year at midnight."

Well very simple really...One sleeps from 2:30 until 5:15.

That's all there is to it.

Cheers!!

New Year's Eve 2009: Blog-a-Palooza with Matt-Man...Lordy, Lordy!!

Wow...It's only 2 o'clock and things are already getting interesting...

10 hours to go...I hope my heart, liver, and ability to stay awake can take it. If you want to view what else has gone on, on this madcap day, scroll down.

Cheers!!

New Year's Eve 2009: Blog-a-Palooza with Matt-Man...The Supplies Have Arrived, But At a Cost!!

Schmoop and I went to the Beer Mine in order to pick up potent potables for the New Year's Eve festivities.

As you can see from the picture above, Drive-By Mikey insisted that he be able to rub against Schmoop in payment for allowing me to have my check a day early.

Schmoop being one who loves me and loves to have different men rub up against her, aquiesced.

We then went to the bank, back to the Beer Mine, and gave back all of the money that Mikey paid me by purchasing some drinkables...

The New Year begins in only 12 hours or so, so babies...start tippin' some drinks, Dammit!!

Scroll down for the complete NYE day in Bagwine!!

Cheers!!

New Year's Eve 2009: Blog-a-Palooza with Matt-Man...He's Fresh...Exciting!!

It's 9:45 A.M...I just got out of the shower, and boy is my left hand tired. Bada Bing!!

I look hot, don't I? DON'T I? Eh, maybe not.

Anyhoo...

As soon as I get dressed, Schmoop and I will hit the road and venture to the Beer Mine in order to pick up much more New Year's Eve libation. Maybe we'll get a picture of Schmoop and Drive-By Mikey.

More to follow, and if you'd like to read about the wacky events that have already transpired on this Goodbye to 2009 Celebration, scroll on down.

Cheers!!

December...It's For Sarcastic Bastards

Well folks, it’s finally here…DECEMBER!! My favorite month of the year.

We have Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and the Muslim New Year observance on December 18th, Al Hijra.

And guess what?

We are going to make fun of each and every one of these holidays as we do every year here at Bagwine Ruminations.

Today also marks the unofficial beginning to another year in The War on Christmas (Sponsored by the National Review and FOX News).

Bill “I Need More Tinsel” O’Reilly will undoubtedly be once again leading the charge against evil secularists who want to pee all over the Holy Birthday Cake of the Little Baby Jeebus.

Of course let us not forget the solemnity of December 7th. This December 7th marks the 68th anniversary of the dastardly attack on Pearl Harbor by those sneaky yellow devils from Japan.

I will remember Pearl Harbor Day as I always do…by telling one of my favorite jokes of all time.

Did you hear about the guy who was half black, half Japanese? Every December 7th he attacks Pearl Bailey!!

Nothing like mixing some solemnity with hilarity.

Anyhoo…That’s all I have today. Consider this post to be a preface for the hijinx and frivolity to be on tap during this holiday rich month here at BR.

Oh, one other thing…

As I did last year, I am offering to send Christmas cheer through the mail. If you’d like a Christmas card from me just drop me an email with your name and address and I’ll send it out.

One caveat…

Unlike last year, I am not hand making each card. My left hand had cramps for days last year and for once it wasn’t from jacking off to a picture of the Virgin Mary in a stable, laying atop a bale of hay while fully dilated.

Oh shut up, it was a gift. Anyway, I’ll be signing and sending store bought cards so let me know if you’d like one.

Now that you know what will be going on, I bid you a happy Tuesday.

Cheers!!

Heidi Zadeh Is Hot And I Thank Her For It

About five months ago, I changed the way I blog to a degree. I started writing about topical items more and less often about personal things.

Trying to create an audience by going blog to blog and hoping in return others would do the same, was taking up a considerable amount of time.

I noticed back then, that only 2% of people who stopped by Bagwine Ruminations were directed to my site by a search engine.

I thought that if could do things differently I could increase my search engine traffic and get a 50/50 mix. It’s working.

I now get 20-40 percent of my daily traffic directed to my site by a search engine.

I continue to get hits from people who are directed to my three month old posts about Al Roker and The Weather Channel. Folks typing in things like “Al Roker Sucks”…“Fuck Al Roker”…etc., show up daily.

A search for “Alisyn Camerota Is Hot” or variants thereof, direct many people to my posts dedicated to my favorite FOX News Babe.

Alisyn Camerota remains my number one sexy siren of search engine success, but Wow..!!

Bagwine Ruminations has a new chick in the Google machine that may soon surpass my sweet Allie in directing people to Matt-Man.

Who? You ask?

The incredibly sexy, edible, makes me spontaneously spew something resembling Havarti cheese in my pants, Heidi Zadeh.

I first wrote about the Iranian born, former Miss Denmark, Heidi Zadeh back in July, but only lately has she revved up the search engine and directed horny men and women everywhere to my site.

She has also sent Bagwine Ruminations zooming up the internet charts in Denmark.

Hell, yesterday, while the vast majority of my visitors were from the U.S., a full 13% were from Denmark and another 8% from nearby countries such as Sweden, Germany, and the U.K.

Pickled Herring, anyone?

I felt because of all of the Bagwine activity generated by the lovely Miss Zadeh, I should take time today and thank her.

I think that since I have, in a way, used Heidi, I should graciously offer to allow her to use me…in any way Heidi and her smokin’ hot body would like. I know, yet another example of my selflessness.

Heidi, if you are out there reading today’s post, please know that I would love to be your ambassador to the United States.

I would be happy to spread the word of your hotness to all Americans, help to spread your fame across the Atlantic, and of course, spread those never-ending legs of yours.

As soon as I can pay someone to find your email, I will send you a link to this post, my home phone number, and an outline of the key to the apartment door.

You can stop by anytime, Heidi. The Bagwine will be chillin’, the cod will be drying, and I’ll be on the couch stroking my kolde bord.

I owe this and more to you...I Love You, Heidi.

Skål and Bunden i Vejret Eller Resten i Håret!!

Numbers Can Add Up To Introspection

Well folks…

I discovered that yesterday’s discussion about my e-mails to a trio of FOX News celebrities marked my 1,300th post on Bagwine Ruminations. Holy Cow.

1,300 posts over nearly three and a half years. And what if anything, have we learned about the man known as Matt, Matty, Mateo, That Bagwine Drinking Dickhead in Ohio…The Matt-Man?

Let’s re-cap, shall we?

I like to drink Wild Irish Rose, Milwaukee’s Best Light, and once in awhile, King Cobra Malt Liquor, better known as, Snake in a Bottle. Yum.

We know through photographic evidence that I have yet to achieve my life’s dream of having a sex change and becoming a Lesbian Porn Star. That fact sticks in my crawl, and it sticks in my crawl because I still have no vagina in which to put it.

Politically, I am a blend of Liberalism and Libertarianism…In fact, in a post some time back, I coined the phrase, Liberaltarian. I am so damn cool that way.

We know that my life would be far less without my son, Schmoop, her brother Dave, my family, and all of you lovable, sometimes brilliant, and usually laugh out loud funny degenerates.

I have a pretty damn good command of the English language, and yet some of my favorite words remain fuck, fucktard, pussy, and asshole.

I enjoy a heated debate, trading insulting barbs, and making fun of ideas and people with which and whom I disagree. Biting my tongue and keeping my mouth shut has never been in my DNA. And yet, at times, I can be quite diplomatic. Odd.

I guess at times, I am riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside of a brown paper bag. I can dig that.

When I fantasize about sex…it involves a hot chick such as this…

On the rare occasion that I have real sex, it involves a hot chick like this…

Mmmmmmmmm. It’s good to know that.

If you have read me for any length of time you know that while I haven’t had the time of late, I enjoy making videos such as this classic I did to John R. Butler’s, “Old Time God”.

Ha. Classic.

Anyhoo…

I really have no idea why I am writing this or where if anywhere, I am going with it. I guess we are a people who are taken with big, round numbers such as 1,300.

Numbers like that act as milestones, and oft times create a time of reflection and introspection.

I guess I saw that number and started to think about things. I have much optimism that something will come of the things I write, but at the same time, I spend my days worrying about things in the here and now.

I guess I was due for a little catharsis, and I thank you for listening.

So as not to end this post on a melancholy note, I will attempt to lighten things up by asking you to do something…

This post was primarily a self-absorbed post about what we have learned about me through the existence of Bagwine Ruminations; what is it that you don’t know?

Bring it on Bitches…Ask me anything you want. I’ll answer it right here, right now. I am certain that YOU guys can come up with some pretty damn funny questions.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Fantasy Football and Programming Notes

It’s going to be a Partly Cloudy, Cool and, Breezy Sabbath in Bagwine today.

I of course, will be minding the Beer Mine today from 11-7, ensuring that football fans everywhere will have plenty of beer and smokes on hand while cussing at their TV.

Just consider me, a Social Worker.

Speaking of football…

That Cynical Bastard hizzelf, Jay, will be in pedophile football heaven today as his 1-2 Stalkers try to manhandle my boyishly sexy 2-1 Jonas Brothers in the Open Bar League over at ESPN Fantasy Football.

Jay’s team has a deadly receiving corps and is using the Bengals defense who are playing the hapless Cleveland Browns, so he has a leg up on my Jonas Brothers…which I am sure excites his sick self to no end.

My only hope is that one of my running backs, Pierre “Thick as a Brick” Thomas and my quarterback, Peyton Is He Manning Enough have big games today.

C’mon Jonas Brothers, put that pervert back into his dark, dark place!!

After work, I am going to go see Ryan for a few. After I give him a week ahead pep talk, it is back here to tip a few, watch the late game, and type up some Bagwine magic for tomorrow.

My selflessness is never-ending, and what do I get in return? You got it…Heartache. But, I continue to give, and shall.

I am a little sad this morning. I am watching my favorite FOX babe, Alisyn Camerota of Fox and Friends weekend as I type this, and Alisyn is wearing a dress that shows far too little.

I always count on her for a little Sunday morning wood, but alas, my phallus remains flaccid. Bummer. That’s okay, my love for her remains firm and steadfast.

I love you, Allie!!

Anyhoo…Before I leave you today, I have a programming note in regards to the content of what you will be seeing on Bagwine Ruminations.

Beginning tomorrow and continuing for the next three or four weeks, my daily commentary will be concentrating on political and social issues.

I know these topics do not thrill some of you, but it is something I have to do for awhile in hopes of accomplishing something that is uber-important to me.

I promise to try to make these upcoming posts amusing, but I just ask you to bear with me on the topics I will be addressing over the next month or so.

Amen, and Amen.

Have a wonderful Sunday, all. And of course, as always…

Cheers!!