Saturday, July 25, 2009

Sarah Palin: The Last Picnic In Mayberry

This is it folks…It’s a sad day for America and more so for the citizens of Alaska.

Today is Gov. Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin’s last full day in office. On Sunday, she will officially transfer gubernatorial duties and power to Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell.

She will perform this act in Fairbanks during the Governor’s Picnic.

A Sunday picnic…that’s so typical…so American…so Sarah.

There will be square dancing, bathtub races, and a punch and cake reception ‘neath the Pioneer Park gazebo. It will be much like a Sunday afternoon in Mayberry, N.C. in 1966.

When I close my eyes and envision this grand, yet bittersweet event I see Clara and Aunt Bee getting sloshed on Col. Harvey’s Indian Elixir as Sarah stops by their table to help judge the homemade pickle contest.

Over the way, Opie is involved in a spirited, yet friendly game of baseball with Willow, Trig, Algebra, and Calculus or whatever the name of Palin’s kids are.

Andy and the Darlin’s are playing a hoppin’ version of Old Man Tucker while Floyd, Gomer, Thelma Lou, and their new Alaskan friends are cutting a rug on the straw strewn square dance floor.

Barney Fife is coordinating crowd control activities with the Fairbanks P.D. and keeping a wary eye on Lt. Gov. Parnell because Barney thinks he “looks a little suspicious”…Oh the innocent hilarity that will ensue from that scenario.

Sarah’s oldest daughter Bristol is behind the Soft-Serve Ice Cream booth sharing a tender moment and warm wet kisses with Ernest T. Bass.

All is well…except for the Queen of the Yukon. Sarah, while bravely sporting a smile, and gladly shaking hands is crying inside.

Her tears are the result of months of media abuse…public scorn and ridicule…the incredible burden of keeping the Russians at bay.

So sad...


There is no joy that is Mayberry for the woman who made this slice of Americana possible. For her, there is but a resignation speech, and a plate full of tainted potato salad and a burnt hot dog. It’s just…not…fair.

Gone are the days of the simple life in Wasilla. Gone is her joy of serving Alaskans as their Chief Public Servant. Gone is the innocence she enjoyed while fishing, imparting folksy gems of wisdom, and gutting moose.

Her life will now be full of book tours, talk shows, making speeches, and collecting money hand over fist.

I feel for her. I feel for Alaska. I feel for America, and I hope that all of you Sarah-Haters are proud of yourselves.

You see, those of you who sniped at Sarah Palin didn’t just destroy a brilliant woman and political career. You destroyed Mayberry.

Cheers!!

31 comments:

Jay said...

LOL .. Destroyed Mayberry? And here I was till hoping someday to grow up to be the town drunk. Dammit people! How could you do this?!?

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. See? Not only did these hateful people destroy Palin's life; they destroyed your dream as well. Lousy Bastards. Cheers Jay!!

Desert Songbird said...

I hate Mayberry. Gomer is transvestite, and Opie is a doofus.

Matt-Man said...

Songbird: You are exactly the kind of person of whom I speak. If you hate Mayberry; you hate America. Cheers!!

Dana said...

Does it make me a bad "conservative" if I say good riddance? It'd be willing to nuke Mayberry just to be done with her.

Matt-Man said...

Dana: What is with all of this desire to raze a place that is not only a friendly town but an important thread in the fabric of America? Cheers!!

Micky-T said...

I feel for Alaska
I feel for her kids
I feel for the GOP(not really).

I feel for my people
I feel for the dreamers.
I feel for you and me.

I feel for the system of goverment that almost let her get so close to the White House.

I feel sick that McCain played her as a last ditch effort on his last ditch effort to the White House.

I feel for Mayberry, yes sir indeed.

I feel like crushing greedy little runway divas who want it all at the cost of others.

Fuck Her!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Ha. Don't sugar coat it, Mick. Tell us how you really feel. Cheers Mick!!

Cheesy said...

Who the hell will keep an eye on Russia now?

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: I hear Dick Cheney needs a gig. We'll give him a boat. He already has his own gun. I'm sure he'd enjoy that and may even do it pro bono. Cheers Cheesy!!

Micky-T said...

for a fun sing along parody, check this out.

http://lynnrockets.wordpress.com/

Matt-Man said...

Micky: I went over and read it. I even left her a comment. Thanks and Cheers!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...dandy batch o' wordsmithin' there, M2....pass the bisquits, please...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Why thank ya. Would you like soft churned butter and some of Aunt Bee's strawberry preserves with those biscuits? Cheers P-Man!!

lynnrockets said...

Enjoyed your blog. You can truly turn a phrase. I'll return often for inpiration.

-lynnrockets.com

Matt-Man said...

Lynnrockets: Ha. Thanks and likewise. Here's to the comedic gold that is Sarah Palin. Cheers LR!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I believe that's 'Aint' Bee..

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: How silly of me. You as always, are absolutely correct. A thousand pardons. Cheers P-Man!!

Micky-T said...

Here is a comment from a Palin supporter over on The New Republic. Suzy Khimm wrote an article "Ready for Her Close-up"

Palin will become President in 2012 for she is GOD's CHOSEN ONE, GOD INCARNATE and the LIVING EMBODIMENT of GOD HERSELF! She will be America's GREATEST President of ALL TIMES! Palin will PWN Obambi in 2012 and the GOP will retake Congress in 2010 and 2012 with filibuster proof majorities. Palin's 8 years will be the best years for America and she will be the 1st in a long unbroken line of conservative white women presidents and vice-presidents! The Democratic Party will die a slow, painful and agonizing death and will be EXTINCT by 2021 and Liberalism will be a defunct ideology as the whole country under Palin and the whole world will convert completely to Palinistic Conservatism.

It could be true....if I believed it.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Is this Suzy chick being serious? If so, it demonstrates two things.

One, it shows that she is completely beyond the realm of reality as far as the deification of Palin and her being elected President, and secondly...

I bet this Suzy chick is a complete freak in bed and talks dirty while mentioning Jesus' name while engaging in hot, sweaty sex.

She may be right on one thing. The Dems could very well lose control of Congress in the mid term elections. Eh, that's understandable and not a shock.

Cheers!!

VE said...

But getting her out of Alaska and on the talk show circuit has saved countless bear, elk, moose, dear from being mounted on a wall by her gun...

Anonymous said...

I Love Her I would rather here her talk then read what SNUGS"K" WRITES!!!!!!!!!!! Happy Birthday To All

Matt-Man said...

VE: You are correct, and some people think that she isn't a true environmentalist. She's saving wildlife. Cheers VE!!

Anony: Well, I agree with ya there but the difference is that I don't think our pal Snuggy ever had a chance of becoming Vice-President. Cheers!!

David said...

I understand that with all her new free time she will be taking some linguistics classes to finally learn how to pronounce the g's on the end of words.

I just hate it with the simple places and pleasures of my youth are destroyed - like Mayberry and the full head of hair that Ron Howard and I each used to have.

Cheers

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha. You Betcha!! I'm always learnin' so much by what yer writin'.

As for the hair? Screw that. Bald is beautiful. I deemed it so years ago. Cheers!!

Clay Perry said...

oh man... dont insult the andy griffith show with this woman... LOLOLOL

Matt-Man said...

Clay: Try as I did, sometimes the truth much like comedy is not pretty. Cheers Clay!!

lynnrockets said...

Matt-man, you're alright. I bet our politics are different, but I also bet
we'd have a terrific night on the town.
You?

Matt-Man said...

Lynn: How are our politics different? But I will tell ya... I'd party with ya. New post soon!! Cheers LR!!

katherine. said...

she certainly gets people all riled up...

Matt-Man said...

Kat: She gives me a comedy hard on. Cheers Kat!!