Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Purina, Chef Michael's Canine Creations, and Fancy Feast Cat Appetizers: Turning Pets Into People

As one who finds well done TV commercials to be the best television on television, I pay attention to new ads religiously.

I found a couple of new TV commercials to be disturbing. I don’t find the way the ads are done to be disturbing, but rather, the products themselves.

Beneful Dog Food, Chef Michaels’s Canine Creations, and Fancy Feast Appetizers for Cats, all of which are produced by Purina, have left me scratching my ginormous head.

The Beneful comes in dry and “prepared” meals for dogs, one of which is a Roasted Turkey Medley that contains corn, wild rice, peas, and barley. Do dogs really crave barley and rice?

Even more troubling are Chef Michaels’ Canine Creations…Now baby, that commercial does weird me out.

There’s a guy in the kitchen talking to his mop looking dog saying something like, “You’re a special, special dog and you deserve a special meal.”

Ewwwwww, the soft, loving tone of the dude’s voice makes it sound like he’s going to do it doggy style with the mutt after she eats her super special “chef prepared” meal.

That specific thought I get when I hear him is confirmed when he says lovingly, “You’re right girl; It’s a beef stew kinda night.” Urp.

One of the meals that “Chef Michael” has prepared for your special dog is, Filet Mignon with Peas and Carrots. WTF? Peas and Carrots? For a dog?

When I owned my house that is now simply a place that I go to in order to visit Ryno, I had a garden. I grew vegetables, and among them were peas and carrots.

There were many dogs in the neighborhood, and I don’t remember any dogs ravishing my crop of peas and carrots, unless of course, there was a rabbit in the garden and they wanted to eat him.

Call me crazy, but I don’t think dogs are big vegetable eaters. The only acceptable reason to feed them peas and carrots is if you own two dogs and their names are, Forrest and Jenny.

Some marketing genius at Purina Pet Foods, discovered that many pet owners are gullible enough to think that their special canine family member needs vegetables just like the doting owner.

Freaks, why don’t you buy your bow wow a gallon of V-8 when you go to the grocery as well.

Another stroke of marketing genius by Purina includes, Fancy Feast Appetizers for Cats…or as I call them, Catppetizers.

As the pictures says, “…an entirely new way to celebrate the moment.”

What the hell kind of “special moments” does one have with their cat? Did the cat win the Nobel Prize? Did the owner and the cat just finish watching Schindler’s List and they’re all verklempt?

It’s a fucking cat people!! They don’t need appetizers!!

The only cat appetizer that makes sense to me is if one takes a big meaty Maine Coon Cat, cuts it up into bite size pieces, deep fries it, and serves it alongside a spicy sauce. Now that’s a cat appetizer. Yum!!

I do love our cat Corky, but the only appetizer she gets is when I put a little milk and catnip on my balls.

Well, I guess that’s more of an appetizer for me, so forget I mentioned that. Please…forget that I mentioned that. Please?

Anyhoo…Am I the only one who thinks these products are goofy? Please tell me that I’m not.

And now, a 16 second video of a product that will revolutionize communications. Ladies and Gentlemen, my boss has eschewed the Blue Tooth Headset phone…Why? Because size matters. Enjoy…

You know what’s cool? Yesterday, while invoking Plato and Plutarch, I founded a new political movement, and today?

I am talking about pet food, cat sex, and airing a short video of my boss and owner of the best Beer Mine in Bagwine with a cell phone on his ear.

Holy Cow!! Am I one eclectic son of a bitch or what?



Jay said...

I'm pretty sure dogs don't sit around after dinner and think about how they wish they could eat gourmet food. Or maybe they do. I do know they love really good cheese. They probably love bad cheese too, but I've never tried to feed any dog bad cheese.

Also, Rachael Ray has her own line of dog food out. I'm thinking it's not much different from what she makes for humans.

Scott Oglesby said...

The lengths that advertisers will go to fool the fools is amazing to me.

My wife has actually been getting into a project which caused her to do a little research on dog and cat food. And a really fun fact: did you know that most pet food makers actually USE dog and cat in their ingredients? Then they tell you their giving your pet ‘only the best.’ Now I hate PETA and the whole PETA crowd, but as an animal lover I find that shit reprehensible. I can’t remember the agency (my wife is in bed) that governs these things, but if you read their guidelines it actually states that this practice is acceptable as long as ‘Fluffy from the shelter’ is properly prepared. Nobody should force cannibalism.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I think dogs after a dinner like that think: "Where the hell's my rawhide bone? I have a carrot stuck between my teeth." Cheers!!

Scott: If what your wife has discovered by being under the covers with agencies in the know is true, we are soon to have an outbreak of Mad Dog and Mad Cat Disease. Cheers Scott!!

Dana said...

I received a free sample of Fancy Feast Appetizers for Cats (White Meat Chicken variety). I was tempted to eat it myself - fewer additives and preservatives than the flaked chicken for PEOPLE that one buys at the market!

Do people really feed their cats better foods than they'd donate to the food pantry??

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Of course they feed their cats better food. After all, cats are people too...or something...What? Cheers Dana!!

Michele said...

You are one eclectic son of a bitch, though I didn't know your mom so that might not be quite true.

I love the Plato and Plutarch references of yesterday. They made me feel all smart and such. Now, cat and dog food? Whole other story. Cats around these parts have a job. Catch mice. That is their catppetizer.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ha. My mother was the Matron Saint of nine heathen kids.

I enjoyed referencing Plato. It made all of my hours spent in Philosophy classes seem almost worthwhile.

Our cat, Corky has a job as well. She's a full-time Princess and part-time Bitch. But we love her. Cheers Michele!!

David said...

I've long been of the same opinion that commercials are the most creative stuff on TV - and not just during the Super Bowl.

Is Chef Michael destined to become an American icon like Chef Boyardee or Aunt Jemima? Inquiring minds need to know.

Matt-Man said...

Dabid: I agree. There are some really funny and/or well done commercials out there.

I checked with Purina. Chef Michael is not an actual person. "He" is a conglomerate of people who "know" what your pet is craving. Idiots. Cheers David!!

Cheesy said...

Special moments for your pets? YOU BET CHA!

I treat mine to canned food on their birthdays and Santa puts a can under the tree. Shudup I love um....

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: Well that's nice, Cheesy, but was the food "chef prepared"? If not, you are denying your pets the feeling of being special and I will report you to PETA. Cheers!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...give the frickin' dog the heel of a loaf of french bread, let the frickin' cat catch a mouse, and send me a frickin' ear phone!...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Three words for you, you magnificent bastard:

"Consider it Done!!"

Cheers P-Man!!

VE said...

Ha! You've tapped into one of my pet peeves (note the pun...never mind); making pet products as if they were for humans. I can't believe I haven't ever posted about it...but you do a better job of it anyway. Good call...

Matt-Man said...

VE: Ha. Thanks VE. But I'll tell ya...A funnier, and maybe more disturbing post would be about the type of folks that eat this crap up, (Pun Intended) and buy this stuff because their pet IS that special.

I am assuming that the people who do, have very few interaction with humans. Well, successful interactions, anyway. Cheers!!

David said...

>>>Dabid: I agree.

Have you suddenly developed a speech impediment? Or perhaps too much Wild Irish Rose (or whatever is that dreck you pretend to drink) a bit early in the day?


Ena said...

My cat pretty much feeds himself (birds, rats, ginormous grasshoppers, and Bermuda grass), and when the urge strikes will help himself to the "tower of crunchies" out in the garage in which ALL the neighborhood cats partake.

Cats and Dogs are primarily carnivores. Veggies are pretty much cheap filler.

Most dogs with which I am acquainted find "cat nuggets" delectable appetizers.

For those "special" moments, my cat likes unadulterated MEAT and "Temptations," and a scratch behind the left ear.

"Eclectic." Yeah, yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking...

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha I just noticed that. Don't ever judge me by my typing skillz...You'll come away thinking that I am a Thalidomide Baby. Cheers David!!

Matt-Man said...

Ena: The only time I see dogs and cat seating vegetables is when they are eating grass and want to throw up. They don't eat it for palate pleasing satisfaction.

Wow...yesterday erudite, and now, eclectic? Divorce your husband now and come sit on my lap...Hell, don't divorce him and STILL come sit on my lap. ; ) Cheers Ena!!

Ena said...

Yeah, I'm working my way through all the adjectives that start with the letter "e!" ;-D

metalmom said...

I saw the cat "appetizers" commercials and my first thought was WTF? My daughter was sitting next to me and she said it out loud. My son walked through the room, saw it and said, "Some lucky bastard is gonna be rich for making something so stupid. Cat ladies are crazy! He'll be a millionaire!"

My son is right!

Matt-Man said...

Ena: Ha. Very Good. Cheers Rat!!

Metalmom: Your sense for the full of shit has evidently been passed on to those around you. Good Job. Cheers!!

Cheesy said...

Hell I cook for my old Annie!

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: You really need to stop. Cheers Cheesy!!

katherine. said...

they don't really put cat and dog in cat and dog they?

I want to know.

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Well, I guess you'll have to follow up with Mr. Scott. Cheers!!

Lu' said...

When my "girls" and I share a special moment we just crack a cold one :)

Is your Boss' name Woody?

Oh and you are one eclectic son of a bitch.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: It's good to see ya, and if you would, allow me to respond in order...

I would love to crack one open with your "girls".

No his name is not Woody, but I see what ya mean.

Speaking of Woody...I get one everytime you say something nice to me.

Cheers My Friend!!