Sunday, September 06, 2009

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: The 2009 Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon...Let's Kick It!!

It’s that time of year…

Tonight marks the beginning of the 3,000th Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon for MDA. Damn right, it’s been 3,000 times and don’t tell me it hasn’t.

There’s no Dean Martin…there’s no Ed McMahon. There’s only Jerry, Tony Orlando, and a bunch of crippled kids.

And Norm Crosby…

Yes folks, Mr. Malapropism hizzelf, Norm Crosby is still alive. I just Googled his existence. And, if Norm was coherent today, he would say, “I represent that Google.” Oy Vay.

I hate the Jerry Lewis Telethon…and don’t get me wrong…not because of what he has been tirelessly trying to accomplish over the years.

I hate it because it is such bad TV. Holy Cow….I’ve seen better entertainment on Public Access. Hell, I’ve seen better entertainment on some of my You Tube videos!!

Jerry Lewis, in spite of his advanced years and drooling needs to come into the internets age. Let’s get jiggy with it slobber boy.

This is the age of reality TV…A song by a sexagenarian Peaches and Herb isn’t going to bring in too many muffin tops for the lump stumps.

You need to kick it, Jerr. And kick it up BIG!!

Let’s have a huge wooden crucifix on your Las Vegas stage and nail that naked, religiously discriminated against Carrie Prejean to it.

Ha…what a hoot that would be. We could have little Timmy in a wheelchair and Larry King at his desk beneath it.

Larry could say, “Hello Bangor Maine…You’re on live with devoid Timmy, drooling Jerry, and the just about to be nailed Carrie Prejean. As for me? I just crapped in my pants…again. What’s your donation.?”

We could have Bill O’Reilly on and he could say to America, “If you don’t contribute to the MDA fund, the terrorists win.”


And, we could do a segment whereby if we don’t get two million dollars in two minutes, Bill ‘O tosses a crippled kid out of his wheelchair and eats his heart.

Good times…good times.

We could also have President Obama call in and ask for donations.

Okay…maybe not…We don’t want people thinking they are being indoctrinated or being forced into socialized medicine.

Yeah, let's scratch the Obama thing…but leave the O’Reilly and Prejean idea, okay?

Amen, and Amen...

I’m working 11-7 today…


If you are cooking out today think of me. I’ll be sweating, trying to catch a glimpse of some boobies, and carding every mutha-fuckah who comes through the Beer Mine.

Cheers!!

12 comments:

David said...

Ok...I avoid the JL Telethon like the plague since it is as boring as waiting to watch the grass become affected by grub worms.

But really, I would reconsider if I could watch the Prejean Slutina being shot in the face by Cheney while hunting little birds...that would be worth a donation. OOOHHHH and to have Bill O'Reilly do a marathon broadcast with the ultimate tearful loony Glenn Beck at his side - there would be no limit to the entertainment value.

Matt-Man - you Sir are a charity donation genius, not to mention being a man of the people with buns of steel.

Desert Rat said...

Wow, I completely forgot about the telethon; however, I did "adopt" six ducks for the Great Wagon Days Duck Race which benefits the Blaine County Search and Rescue... I am trying to do my part... Besides, I'm thinking some of those Search and Rescue types are Hawt! (And don't drool or poop their pants.)

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha. And you my good man are a mess. And in my world, that is one of the highest compliments that I can give. Cheers!!

Rat: You are such a giver. Selfless to a fault. Allow me to slip into my rescue worker outfit and show you how much I care. Cheers Rat!!

Dianne said...

Carrie on the Cross!!
I want that to be a new station in time for Good Friday services

I despise that children need to be paraded about in order to raise money to help them, it's sickening

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: "Carrie on the Cross" sounds like a new special at Appleby's or IHOP!! You're brilliant.

And you're right...it's sickening that Lewis does this. Why should HE have to do it when we could put our collective governmental powers to this affliction. Oh, I know why...That would be SOCIALISM!!

Cheers to you, my wet dream!!

katherine. said...

how much money does Jerry raise?

It has become a somewhat gross outdated format...but it is still working?

Starrlight said...

Good question, Kat. I just feel like I am going into a coma if I watch it.

katherine. said...

truthfully...I have never watched it.

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Last year it raised 65 Million and has raised nearly 1.5 Billion since it started in 1966. Never watched it, eh? You are a Communist!! Cheers Kat!!

Starr: You are right. It's a sure fire cure for insomnia. Cheers Starr!!

David said...

>>>Cheers to you, my wet dream!!

Matt-Man - you can schedule your wet dreams...??? Please do tell your humble admirers how you achieve this.

Matt-Man said...

David: It's a gift...in fact, I'm having one right now. I scheduled a dream about Tyra Banks for 11:07 P.M. Mmmmmmmmm. Cheers David!!

constant gina said...

damn..I remember seeing the TV DVD collection advertise plenty of times.