Saturday, October 03, 2009

2016 Summer Olympics: Screw Rio de Janeiro...I Have A Better Idea!!

With all of the talk going on about Rio de Janeiro winning the bid to host the 2016 Summer Olympics, it started me thinking about Olympics in general.

There are of course, the Winter and Summer Olympics for world class athletes.

We have the Special Olympics for those who are mentally challenged. I still think they should add some new events to the Special Olympics, in order to spice things up.

How about, The Short Bus Pull?

Harness a short bus to the backs of participants and see who can pull it the furthest. And to make things even more exciting, they wouldn’t be allowed to wear safety helmets while pulling the slobber van.

I think the 100 Meter Dash While Carrying Scissors would be pretty cool as well.

Of course, there is a Senior Olympics also.

It’s called the National Senior Games. I think the Used Depends Toss would be a cool addition. An event to see who could get “those damn kids off the front lawn” the fastest would be pretty hip, too.

I think one group that would truly benefit from their Olympics would be midgets. Damn straight, The Midget Olympics, folks.

I think I’m on to something here.

While many, including myself, have an aversion to midgets, I think The Midget Olympics would draw a huge audience, and give those diminutive freaks the opportunity to become more human in the eyes of assholes like myself.

Midget Boxing…Midget Basketball…Midget Water Polo…Midget Pole Vaulting. Holy Cow!! That would be a riot.

Can you imagine the hilarity that would ensue from Midget Pole Vaulting?

Watching a midget with little, midget legs scurrying down the run, hitting his mark, and vaulting himself over a bar would be a hoot.

Ha…It would look like a hairy walnut being shot from a fucking catapult.

The Midget Olympics could have events such as the Low Jump…the Short Jump…and team events like Synchronized Creepiness.

Hell, let’s add some irony to the games and have the midget athletes compete in dwarf tossing.

After all, midgets have long resented dwarfs. It all began when they were passed over in favor of dwarfs in the tale of Snow White.

Unlike the traditional Olympics which typically run the Marathon as its last event, they’d have to start the Midget Marathon as soon as the Midget Olympic Candle was lit.

Those little folks would need every bit of the three week ceremony to run the 26 miles.

There you have it folks, my idea as to how to give midgets a little bit of respect, and give sport loving folks like myself a new and exciting outlet in which to live vicariously.

Hell, if someone sets this thing up, I’ll even volunteer to help out at The Midget Olympics. I’ll stand at the podium and lift each midget medal winner on to his or her spot.



David said...

Perhaps they could combine two events into one (for TV broadcast convenience, of course). They could have The Window Lick-Off inside the bus while the Short Bus Towing is underway. I think they are a natural short bus combo event.

I'm all for efficiency ya know. Plus I'm glad to know there is a role for the dwarfs in addition to the midgets.

Scott Oglesby said...

I admit to actually being frightened by midgets. I don’t know why but they creep me out. My wife used to watch Little People Big World and I had to leave the room. I think I’d have to watch the Midget Games though; it would all be way too funny to miss.

I love the expansion of the Special Olympics to include more events! I hope that you’ll allow me to be a part of the organizational team. I do have a few ideas already….

We could include a Window Licking competition where we frost the glass of 20 small pane windows and each of the four participants have to race the clock and each other to lick their way to victory.

For the super retarded, we could have two events involving Feces Tossing. One for aim, and one for distance.

Tard Actors- The contestants would have to deliver lines in an understandable voice, in a timely manner, and stick to script. This would be nothing more than a set up for the major television studios to see which retards are the most exploitable. But it would be great for sponsorship of the Games. Hell, they’d pay for the whole thing if they could find the next Corky.

That’s the best I could come up with on short bus notice, but if you want to work together on this project, then I’m sure that I could hammer out another 10 usable ideas. I look forward to your decision. As you know, “I work with retards. Those goofy bastards are just about the best thing I got going in this crazy, mixed up world.”

Great post Matt-Man!

Clay Perry said...


Matt-Man said...

David: Ha. I had to throw the dwarfs into the mix. After all, dwarves are peoplle too...sorta. Cheers Daivd!!

Scott: Holy Shit. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. You are one amusingly rude muthafuckah. I love it. See you in Hell. Cheers Scott!!

Clay: Just because you merely laughed, does nor preclude you from spending the afterlife in the nether regions. Cheers Clay!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...we're all going to Hell...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: I think we knew that long ago; we just didn't mention it. Cheers P-Man!!

Dianne said...

how about Adulterer's Olympics?
they could play hide the mistress, switch the paternity test, first to admit guilt ...

Letterman could MC

Jay said...

The Midget Olympics is the best idea ever. That would be some funny shit right there.

Jay said...

And, you don't have to worry about hate mail for this post. Once people read Scott's comment, they'll forget what they were going to say to you. LOL ;-)

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

All I know about midgets is they're the right height to deliver a certain pleasure to the female sex.

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: I'd love to get in on that. Wanna be my teammate? Cheers Di!!

Jay: Ha. Scott just made me look like a saint, didn't he? Here's to the Midget Olympics. Cheers Jay!!

Fantasy: And...You can keep an ashtray on their noggin' while they're servicing you. Cheers Meg!!

Robin F. said...

Ah HA so THIS is what happens after a night of drunken debauchery...LOL... I actually lived in a trailer and 3 roommates. One of those was a dwarf and her son who also happened to be a dwarf. Fun did present it's unique challenges though. It was my first close experience with the world of Dwarfism and I have to tell you, she faced it with courage, and humor and she was a tough little mo fo! I wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley. By the way, I often refer to otherwise supposedly "normal" people who act like morons as..." short bus ridin' helmet wearin' window lickers" enough said!

Matt-Man said...

Robin: I came up with this idea while sober. That is what makes this si very sad. Cheers Robin!!

Starrlight said...

Best Porn movie title ever: Itty Bitty Titty Gang Bang. Midget porn ya know :P

Dana said...

Just don't put the midgets in clown costumes m-kay? That would be over-the-top creepy - and not athletic!