Thursday, November 05, 2009

Pneu-Mania 2009: A Retrospective

I have a bit of Hospital Hodgepodge for you today.

I thought I’d just toss out some thoughts, pictures, and medical related bon mots for you today in order to help wrap up the story of my pulmonary upheaval.

Here’s the entrance to the room in which I stayed.

The placard warns those who enter of my potential infectiousness. Just call me, “Typhoid Matty”.


Some of the precautions listed could be applied to those who come in contact with me when I am well, um…as well.

In spite of my infectiousness, I received many visitors during my week long stay. Aside from Schmoop, my first visitor was my boss, and owner of Bagwine’s best Beer Mine, Drive-By Mikey…!!


His concern for my well-being was overwhelming. After informing me as to what he would be asking for from the nurses if it was he that was laid up, he let me know how much I was missed.

He voiced his heartfelt feelings by saying to me, “I need you to come back Matt-Man, because since you left, sales of Milwaukee’s Best Light and Basic Full Flavor cigarettes have plummeted.”


How touching…How Human…How Mikey.

My brother Marty visited frequently often bearing gifts and forcing me to spew out what was left of my bad lung by making me laugh and thus hacking profusely.

You can see, that even though I had been labeled as a contagious pariah, Marty was proud to let people know that he was a visitor of the Human Bug Factory of Room 497.

Marty who often brought me coffee, soup, and grocery store tabloid magazines also brought unto me, some lovely flowers.

The print on the card was too small to photograph, but the message left by Marty and his wife read: “Quit Faking!!” I was moved upon reading their well wishes.

My BFF/OSP Schmoop, when not on the phone with me, often appeared at my bedside in person…


I appreciate the fact that Schmoop remained true to her feelings for me rather than patronizing me because I was deathly ill and lying helpless with a chest tube stuck inside of me. Here’s to ya, Schmoop!!

These folks and others who visited always put a smile on my mask of death. I struggled to find a way to re-pay these folks for their kindness. I finally discovered a way to do so…


I offered each and every visitor a glass of my steamy, wet piss. While there were no takers, I think they appreciated the outreach on my part.

I have plenty of other people to thank. The doctors, nurses, and hospital staff who were fantastic. All of my family and friends for their calls and letters, and Schmoop’s brother Dave who has been carting me around.

I’ll get around to personally thanking each and every one of you over the next week or two, so bear with me. And don’t worry…

My thanks will not include an offer to drink of my steamy, wet piss...unless of course, you're into that type of thing.

Cheers!!

26 comments:

Lu' said...

I offered each and every visitor a glass of my steamy, wet piss. While there were no takers, I think they appreciated the outreach on my part. Oh ick HA! and a picture too. You are too thoughtful to us :) Thankfully you didn't offer to include a steaming pile to go along with the beverage.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: in the matter of full disclosure, I like to photographically archive my innermost essence.

As for offering piles? It was impossible. Between the mediocre food and all of the drugs inside of me, my BM sessions included only dark brown rivers of colon processed liquidity. Cheers Lu!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...Scatological Ruminations...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha. You know what's pfunny about that? I used that phrase in a post long, long ago. Great minds ya know. Cheers P-Man!!

Michele said...

So thoughtful of your family and friends to brave your germ and, obviously, urine infested hospital room.

You use the words "bon mot". You know I love you for that.

Micky-T said...

So how's the shit flowing these days?
We all want to know this stuff!

Matt-Man said...

Michele: I have several incredibly cool people in my life. As for bon mot?

Ha. I have read the dictionary and phrase books since I was a kid. I think I came across "bon mot" when I was 8 or so, and it has remained one of my fave phrases. Cheers Michele!!

Mick: It's slowly improving, but still not quite up to the consistency that I would enjoy. Cheers Mick!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

I can't believe they declined a warm beverage on a cool fall day ;-)


Glad you're back!

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Thank ya, D. And yeah, I can't understand why people would pass on my piss. Cheers to ya!!

Desert Rat said...

For the longest time I thought Mickey-T had underpants on his head. Then, one day, I actually clicked on his photo only to be disappointed to discover it was, indeed, a hat. Oh, well, another fantasy shattered.

Now, where was I going with this...?

Dammit!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: I don't know where you going with your comment, but I do know that anytime YOU mention underwear, I get all hot and bothered. Cheers Rat!!

Four Dinners said...

Schmoop looks just the kind of visitor you need to stop feelin sorry for yersel!

Very fetching masks I will say...we can't have flowers in wards in England anymore. It's the 'Elf 'n Safety' mob. They reckon they could lose a few patients from hay fever. Mad as hatters the lot of em

Jay said...

You should have stolen that sign and put it on your door at home. Or have it transferred onto a T-shirt. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Four D: Schmoop is smokin' hot and has quite the bedside manner. Halloween night prior to ending her visit with me, she backed up to the bed, pulled the back of her pants down half way, and let me grope her ass. Is that love or what!? Cheers 4D!!

Jay: Ha. I took that picture as I was being discharged. I actually was going to take it but didn't want any of my antics interfering with my departure. Cheers Jay!!

Marilyn said...

I could make you a sign like that. I should have some green substrate left over from a job in the next week or so. I hate making little letters though. My equipment just doesn't work very well on a small scale.

I am aware that you will now probably take all my words out of context.

Scott Oglesby said...

Wait, what the hell does OSP stand for; I’m not down with all this new lingo you crazy kids are tossing about?

You’re lucky to have so many people who love you. I was going to say that if I were in Ohio, I definitely would’ve come to see you. But then when I saw the sign and the perimeter, I probably would’ve bolted like a little girl. All these people must be really brave. Or really, really, really love you!!!

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Ha. Your comments never miss the mark on the funny factor, Marilyn. I appreciate the offer. Cheers Marilyn!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: No need to be afraid. The Doctors who issued the mask order never wore a mask when THEY came to see me. I think they were fucking with people.

OSP is a term Schmoop and I came up with. It stands for:

Occasional Sex Partner.

Cheers Scott!!

Dianne said...

schmoop rocks! she gets to the point so eloquently

I love the ID sticker on the mask

I never thought I'd be able to say I've seen your piss but now I can

next time you have to show me how you did it ;)

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Schmoop doesn't mince her words...or her fingers.

I'll show you how I did it, but only if you hold it for me. Cheers Di!!

Bond said...

You have always been a giver

PEACE GLOBES ROCK

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Yes, I know I have. Peace Globes Rock? I would have thought that Peace Globes would be more on the serene side, rather than a spheroid that rocks. Cheers Vin!!

Starrlight said...

I remember patients like you :P

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Is that good or bad? Cheers Starr!!

Starrlight said...

Both. You were probably alternating between making them laugh and setting a bad example for other patients :P

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Ha. We did laugh quite a bit, but no worries, I wasn't around any other patients. I didn't ruin their character. Cheers Starr!!