Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Veteran's Day 2009: Here's To The Unknown Veteran!!

As today is Veteran’s Day in the United States, I decided against offering the empty and obligatory, “Thank You for Your Service.”, bullshit.

Instead, I thought that I would go that meaningful extra mile in order to research and honor some Veterans who do not get the accolades that they deserve.

Corporal Randolph Agarn: From 1865 until 1867 Cpl. Agarn was an integral part in defending the U.S. Army base, Fort Courage located in Kansas.

Agarn was looked upon as a dimwitted stooge, but this was merely a ruse. He was skilled in the art of being a confidence man. Along with Sergeant O’Rourke, he managed to keep the feared Hekawi Indian tribe peaceful.

Not only did Agarn keep the Hekawi tribe complacent by selling them whiskey, his introduction of fire water to the Hekawi spread among all Indian tribes eventually quashing the red menace into nothing more than groups of drunken people who have for generations lived in alcohol induced poverty and self-loathing.

Thank you for your service Cpl. Agarn!!

1st Lieutenant Larry King: Oh sure many of you know Larry King as a talk show legend on CNN, but…

How many of you knew that when 23 years old, Lt. King served alongside Gen. George Washington in the Continental Army during the American Revolution? It’s truuue.

From 1778 until the end of the war in 1781, Lt. Larry King was Gen. Washington’s Public Information Crier. His impeccable service was defined by his line delivered during the Battle of Yorktown when he screamed at the enemy lines:

“Lord Cornwallis, London, England…You are in the throes of defeat with Gen. Washington and the Marquis de Lafayette, go ahead!!”

Thank you for your service Lt. King!!

Capt. Merrill Stubing: Yes, the avuncular Capt. Stubing for years commanded the cruise ship, The Pacific Princess, but prior to that, during the Vietnam War, Stubing was at the helm of the navy destroyer, U.S.S. Aaron Spelling.

For years, he and his crew successfully patrolled the Caribbean making certain that Vietcong insurgents did not infiltrate the gulf ports of Texas, Louisiana, and Mississippi under the guise of being simple, refugee shrimpers.

Thank you for your service Capt. Stubing!!

Lastly…

Staff Sergeant Peter “Prank-Man” Powers: Sgt. Powers was a marginal, obnoxious, non-descript, soldier at best, but in 1991 during the first Iraq Gulf War, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf personally tabbed him for a mission that gave the Allies a crucial edge.

The CIA had secured the direct phone number to Saddam Hussein’s Command and Control Center. Sgt. Powers was given the duty of continually tying up this Iraqi phone line with prank phone calls.

During the initial air invasion of Iraq, Powers prevented the Iraqis from ordering fighters to scramble and AA defenses to go up by calling the Command Center and goofing on them.

For a crucial one hour and sixteen minutes, Iraqi command center officers were unable to get their jets to scramble as an avalanche of American cruise missiles and warplanes approached, because they were too busy checking out Sgt. Powers' inquiry as to whether or not Mike Hunt was there.

Iraqi counter-attacks, re-routing of supplies, and orders to kill Kurds out of spite were unable to go through because Powers tied up the phone with such gems as:

Is this the person to whom I am speaking? Is your oasis running? I’m Reggie with the New York Times; could I interest you in a subscription? And of course…

Do you have Prince Albert Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti in a can?

Powers was a frickin’ genius and an unsung hero.

Thank you for your service Sgt. Powers.

Enjoy your Veterans Day, all. And please, don’t forget to check out the mattress sale at an authorized Serta dealer near you.

Cheers!!

32 comments:

snugs said...

sort of almost or at least close to being cute, but not as funny as I think you thunk ...there is just no way around respecting this day, these people and the sacrifices made for all of us, at least not for me..I'm just sayin..Matty, this was a little or maybe more than a little of a tad poor taste.. even comming from you...just my thoughts..

Four Dinners said...

I only ever speak ill of the dead. I hate getting thumped by the living...;-)

Laughed out loud mate!

I don't think he's being disrespectful snugs babe. Humour gets us through.

Lost two good mates in Northern Ireland and another in The Falklands.

They'd have laughed their butts off at this!

Matt-Man said...

Snugs: True it could have been funnier, but I omitted some really rudely funny lines that I thought I would save for a future post.

Tell me...How do you go about "respecting this day"? I'll wait while you fabricate some grand illusion of your Veteran's Day agenda. Cheers Snugs!!

Four: I understand FD...The dead just don't quite pack the wallop that the living do.

Thanks and here's to you and those of your mates who have passed on.

Cheers!!

David said...

Some funny stuff. Thanks Matt-Man

Michele said...

How can you not feel pride and eternal love for the service of Corporal Agarn? His zany antics drew attention away from the fact that they were turning the Hekawi into trinket selling morons.

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Thank you, sir, for all of the thunkin' that went into this post.

Matt-Man said...

David: Anytime mister. Cheers David!!

Michele: Damn Straight. Agarn not only began a systematic destruction of the Plains Indians, he helped to secure our Manifest Destiny. Cheers Michele!!

Nick: Thank you. It did indeed tax my tiny pea brain. Cheers Nick!!

Desert Rat said...

I'll be back - it's coffee time, first, but wanted to let you know *my* post is up - and it's hardly wretched or nauseating at all!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...looooooves me some Larry Storch!...

Scott Oglesby said...

You are a disgrace to America Matt. What in the hell is wrong with you?





How could you not honor Private Ryan, Crazy Earl from Full Metal Jacket, Hawkeye Pierce, and especially Hot Lips Houlihan? And you call yourself an American….

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: I shall be over shortly, and partake of your unwretched, non-nauseating post. Cheers Rat!!

Phfrankie: Hee. Larry is the man, and the heroic bastard is still alive!! Cheers P-Man!!

Scott: I thought of some of those you mentioned and others as well, but could not fit them all in. Please forgive my faltering on the patriotism front, and know that I did also consider writing about one of the greatest American soldiers of All-Time...Col. Flagg!!

Cheers Scott!!

snugs said...

No fabricating of grand illusions needed, there are 3 ceremonies in my little town this afternoon, I plan on attending 2 of them to show respect for all the Vets.

Matt-Man said...

Snugs: Awwwww. That's nice. Cheers!!

Dianne said...

I believe Glenn Beck wants a law passed that would mandate that all Americans buy a mattress on Veteran's Day - illegals would be required to buy one on President's Day, ya know the holiday where we mushed the Prezs together so the patriots could have a 3 day weekend

amazes me that we haven't done that with Veteran's Day - imagine all the Christmas shopping that could get done while remembering and respecting

OK, I'm done
Fucking A Matty

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ha. You're Christmas Buying Kick-Off idea on Veteran's Day is gold, gold, Di!! I think I have a slogan concept for just such a plan...

"Remember Folks...If you don't honor a veteran by purchasing a Christmas present at 25% off for a loved one on Veteran's Day, the Terrorists Win!!"

Cheers Sexy!!

Jay said...

Very touching post honoring Veteran's Day Matt. Even if you did leave Col. Robert E. Hogan out. I know you honor his service too.

It's also so nice to see so many people take 2 minutes out of their busy schedules one day a year to honor the men and women who served this great country by telling everyone that they support the troops more than anyone else. Kinda brings a tear to my eye even. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Once again we are on the same wavelength. I was going to give a shout out to Col. Hogan as he is a fave of mine, but...

He accomplished so much that his exploits deserve a post unto themselves. And by the way, Hogan was from either Cleveland or Milwaukee, depending on which episode he was asked about it.

And Jay, my friend...Dry your eyes with a ribbon magnet that says, "I Support Our Troops", and then put it on the ass end of your car. That will make you a patriot.

Cheers Jay!!

Lu' said...

Prefered Sgt Morgan O'Rourke to the other boobs bumblings :)

Matt-Man said...

Lu: There sure is much to be said in preferability of those involved, but one thing is certain, collectively they offered military wackiness. Cheers Lu!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

I liked it! I didn't think you did anything to detract from real heroes. LOL about Larry King's service record.

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Ha. I appreciate that and I am so glad that someone in addition to Schmoop liked my Larry King wartime bio. I was amused with it. Cheers D!!

Dana said...

Hmmm ... I think I know where you were trying to go with this, but "OUCH"! I'm going to say something here that will likely make that beer you're drinking spew from your nose (gentle warning) - I actually agree with Snugs on this.

Wow, now I wonder just how "sincere" that comment was you made over at my place.

Bond said...

I was not going to post here today matt...but I will say one thing - this post would have been better done tomorrow...

I also saw your comment over at Dana's and called you out on it over there...

You can not make that comment while you group us all together here.

are there people who are insincere in their 'honoring of country' - sure..are there those who are very sincere? ABSOLUTELY

You grouped us all together and that is what I am disappointed in with your post yesterday and this one today.

Dana and snugs are right on in their criticism of your post..I agree...

katherine. said...

This is not the only day that I personally thank those in my family and friend circles who have served or who are currently serving.

The veterans who I know personally appreciate the recognition of Veterans Day. They don't want to be fawned over all the time...but they are honored by the day of respect.

Why are people compelled to post about how much they "care"? I would guess they feel the same as you do when you post about your folks or ryan. Some of it may be band-wagon-jumping...but I'm not sure the majority are empty or self placating.

People post about Valentines Day and St Patricks Day and Halloween. Mothers Day, Fathers' Day and their kids' birthdays. Not everyone can be creative and original...and they may just post up the same thing dozens of others have. Doesn't mean they aren't genuinely appreciative for the service.

I know there have been times when others have made assumptions about you based on a post you have made...but here you are making assumptions on why others post on Vetern's Day.

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Well I have no control over what you think over the sincereity of my comment, but the truth is this post is far less demonizing and far more more light hearted than my typical Memorial Day posts over the years that touch on the same thing. Maybe it's because beginning yesterday I mentioned that bloggers rather than Americans treat the two days of observance with lip service than saying Americans treat it with lip service. Cheers Dana!!

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Actually this post should have been done today. Doing it tomorrow would have given it far less efficacy, but thanks.

And who is this collective "us" that I am grouping together? Are you actually speaking of yourself? Man up, and say that, Vin. I didn't group any particular individuals into a group that I feel are flippant in their tributes. If you feel that I am lumping you into said group, you are putting yourself in there, not me.

Why is that? Did you assume or did I touch a nerve? Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Once again, to not recognize or even assume that some folks put up Vet's Day tributes would be incredibly Pollyannish. I certainly didn't point the finger at anyone in particular...The finger pointing came from themselves. Cheers Kat!!

Bond said...

You stated that ALL posts on this day were maudlin and bulls**t

That would include my post - so you did group us together...

You can try and justify all you want Matt - but you grouped us all together and that was wrong...MAN UP and admit it

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Gotta go to work...But sorry sport, I didn't even mention the word post in this post, and yesterday I used the term "the majority of posts". Have a Day. Cheers!!

Bond said...

cop out dude...thought more of you than that

have a good day at work

Starrlight said...

I have issues with the band wagon people. I have no issues with people honoring friends and family.

Matt-Man said...

Bond: "Cop Out?"...um...I don't know how to respond to that. Cheers!!

Starr: I tried to get on a bandwagon once. I was thrown off. They said that they had no room for a kazoo player. Cheers!!