Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Desultory Thoughts on a Tuesday

Yesterday at approximately 7:45 A.M., I posted that my weight had dropped from 184 pounds to 174 pounds.

Well lo and behold, between 7:45 A.M. and arriving at my Doctor’s appt. at 9:30 A.M., I had miraculously gained six pounds. The nurse weighed me in at the office at 180.

Yes, the scale at the Bagwine digs is obviously weighing users six pounds less than they actually are. Ha. I had a smile on my face all day at work in anticipation of passing on this fact to Schmoop.

At 4:15 yesterday afternoon my smile became reality as I told her about this finding. She quickly went into an apoplectic fit.

Quickly, her concern over my “rapid and monumental“ weight loss transformed into shock over her instantaneous six pound weight gain.

I tried to soothe Schmoop by telling her that her 5’7” inch frame looked just as good lugging around a more generous and robust 136 pounds as it did while walking on air at a more svelte 130 pounds.
Oddly enough my words of comfort did not help…

Carrie Prejean’s book comes out today.

Yes folks, Still Standing by Carrie Prejean is there for the taking.

Appearing on Sean Hannity’s show while humping her book last night, she talked about the sex tape she had made that ultimately forced her to drop her lawsuit against the Miss California pageant officials.

Prejean told Hannity that she was a mere teenager when she made an Auto-Erotic video for a boyfriend for whom she truly loved and cared.

She knows now it was mistake and it is an embarrassment to her especially considering she is a self-professed follower of Christ.

I have a couple of questions…She said that she was a teenager when she made this tape. Was she an adult of 19 or a minor of say, 17?

Either way, it’s not good, and in one scenario is probably technically a case of disseminating child porn.

Maybe she would be better off if she said that she made the tape in order to honor God for supplying her with such a hot bod. She could re-title her book:

Masturbating for the Messiah: Carrie Prejean’s Road to Salvation and Self-Fulfillment.

Lastly…

A Maudlin Alert!! Tomorrow is Veteran’s Day in the U.S.A. The blogosphere will be alive with the sound of lip service and “impassioned” tributes to those who have served in our Armed Services.

In general, Veterans’ Day (and Memorial Day) posts make me wretch.

The majority of posts that pay homage to servicemen and women are no more than a series of blurbs that are empty, self-placating attempts of people to show how much they “care” about those in the military.

Why do people feel compelled to do this? Hell, do what the vast majority of Americans do and put a magnetic ribbon on the back of your car that reads, “I Support The Troops”. Now THAT is moving…literally.

A warning to all…tomorrow, after seeing, In Flanders Fields posted for the 38th time...

I am going to stick hot knitting needles in my eyes, plunge my head into a pot of boiling water, and smoke a pack of Basic Full Flavor until my right lung explodes and I die.

Maybe the death of one, can save the memory and the honest reverance of those who have served.

Cheers!!

27 comments:

Schmoop said...

Ummm...Did you just post my WEIGHT on your website? I didn't really see this right??? Right???

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Um...No...I mean...Oh, I forgo tthe disclaimer:

Numbers on this site appear MUCH larger than they are in real life!!

How's that?

Cheers and Zooooves!!

Michele said...

Nice save on the weight issue, Matt but Schmoop, you will really need to take him to task on this one. And it shouldn't include spanking. Something tells me that Matty-boy would like that too much.

Dianne said...

LOL at Schmoop!!
136!?
Hell I weighed 136 in 3rd grade - hehehehehehehe
Plus she's hot so quit the bitching Schmoop

Carrie's book title was most likely inspired by her inplants

my town recently had a shit fit over giving some land to the VFW - all sorts of bitching about parks and condos and WalMart

then they all ran out to their SUVs with the yellow magnets on them to rush home to their flag bearing abodes

fucking hypocrites

I may celebrate Veteran's Day by peeling off yellow magnets

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Well, she could chain smoke a pack of cigarettes while I am asleep and blow all of the smoke into my face. But...I don't think she's THAT mean. Cheers Michele!!

Dianne: Ha. Hot. I find that funny because she says the same thing about your son whenever she reads one of your comments.

That is a most magnificent way to celebrate Vets Day. Here in Ohio, if the VFW did get the land of which you speak and built a hall or such. Vets would not be allowed to smoke in it because of a State Wide ban. How ironic...

Defending the freedom of Americans and not allowed to smoke in a private lodge hall.

Cheers Di!!

Dana said...

*giggle* I kind of like Dianne's suggestion for celebrating Veteran's Day! I think it would have much more of a significant impact than ... say ... saving my sales tax on the purchase of a new sofa!

Veteran's Day is one of those obligatory holidays. Very few people have the balls to say, "Screw it! I don't like what the military does!" Funny thing is, I'd have far more respect for those folks than the ones who pretend to support!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ha. No Doubt. Veterans and Memorial Day Bed and Furniture Sales crack me up. Celebrate your freedoms protected by others by resting comfortably on a Serta Mattress!! Ugh. It's a joke.

America may be in search of jobs and low on cash, but we are comprised of a population like many other nations, that never runs low on hypocrisy. Cheers Dana!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I know that I’d be perfectly willing to forgive Carrie for her past transgressions against both the gays and the killing of a gym full of teenagers 'thing' if she’d make me a sex tape. Now I mean. Not when she was 17. But, you know…..now.

Tell Schmoop that in my opinion (and I was a personal trainer) she’s at the perfect weight for a 5’7 frame.

Matt-Man said...

Scott: I would love to be involved with her in the making of a tape. We could play Drunken Lot and his Daughter. Mmmmmm.

As for Schmoop? She'd be freaking out if she weighed 110 pounds. To me and everyone else other than her, she is simply perfect (okay not perfect, bu tyou know what I mean) no matter what she might weigh. Cheers Scott!!

Lu' said...

Don't think for one minute you fooled me, you posted your Veteran's Day tribute today under the guise of admonishing those that will fill the 'sphere tomorrow. Me thinkst also you are just trying to stir shit HA! Gotta love ya, so...

Jay said...

Just one of my legs weighs 136 lbs. Okay, it's the middle leg. LOL I crack myself up.

David said...

>>>Masturbating for the Messiah:

Now that is the kind of memoir I would consider rushing off to Borders to buy...just for stimulating the economy of course.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Au Contraire...While I always enjoy stirring up a pot o' shit, I abhor Vet's Day posts by most, and this was in no way a Vet's Day tribute. Cheers Lu!!

Jay: Ha Ha...As if Schmoop didn't love you enough. When she reads that bit of info about you, she will be packing her bags and shortly be headed down to Arkansas. Cheers Jay!!

Matt-Man said...

David: Speaking of an economic spark. If Carrie got all wet during the video and left a stain on the bed sheet that looked like the Shroud of Turin, she'd be a gazillionaire. Cheers David!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

Schmoop- I would give my right leg to weigh 136 lbs if that makes you feel any better.

And about the Carrie Prejean thing, I would bet she was over 18 when she made her tape or else the pageant people would be in BIG trouble.

snugs said...

Schmoop took the words outta my mouth..you definitely deserve some discipline for posting her weight!

Bond said...

I'll save you the trouble of visiting tomorrow - I will be posting my Veteran's Day tribute that i run each year..

See, saved you 5 minutes..

OH wait...you hardly spend that mush time on my site anyway!

bwahahahahahahahaaa

Desert Rat said...

Don't even get me *started* on those V-Day posts. It's like "C & E" attending church twice a year. Makes me want to vomit!

That said, I think I SHALL do a V-Day post - but it's gonna be about my sister, so please do stop by.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...you make a sex tape, you're a hootchie-skank, I don't care what anyone says....

Desert Rat said...

PS - I beg of you: skip the knitting needles.

Matt-Man said...

Lady: I think perhaps she was older than a teen myself. No matter how ols she was, I do find it funny. Cheers!!

Snugs: Eh, she is just feigning outrage...She knows she looks hot. Cheers Snugs!!

Bond: What makes you think I was talking of you? I am flattered however, that you keep track of how long I am on your site, Vin. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: C and E people? Perfect analogy. I'll make a note of that.

I'll skip the knitting needles and use emory boards. Cheers Rat!!

Four Dinners said...

I can loan you as many pounds as you like....free of charge and non-returnable....preferably from the area of my stomach?

I wear a poppy from Rememberance Sunday until midnight on the 11th hour of the 11th day.

I say nowt. I just remember one of my Grandads got blown up (literally apparently) at the Normandy landings.

Genuine accounts state he ran up the beach....then, after a large explosion, was seen sailing through the air and landing back in the sea.

He amazingly remained intact.

Sources claim he then climbed back into a DUKW and said something to the effect of "Sod that for a game of soldiers"

Having known him for 23 years prior to him shuffling off I'm inclined to believe it...;-)

cheers old bean

Irene said...

I just love your honesty about stuff, like posting your best gals weight.The fact that she hasn't killed you for this really shows the true love and bond you two have.I am impressed and hope my hubby and I could survive such a thing.Please get a scale that isn't so cruel.

Irene

Andy said...

About the weight loss. . .too much tea bagging? Dude, its cool. Just curious.

Starrlight said...

I get that people like to recognize the military members of their family but as in most cases I do think less talk more do would be better. Words are easy, actions are harder.

Matt-Man said...

Four: Here's to 11-11-18 and to the pliability and resourcefulness of dear ol' grandad. Cheers Mate!!

Irene: We can talk to each other like that because we have resigned ourselves to the fact that we are stuck with each other. Cheers Irene!!

Andy: Actually it's a result of the antibiotics. Each dose has the same result as eating a box of Ex-Lax. Cheers Anj!!

Starr: Damn Straight. But you know..actually doing something takes time and effort. Cheers Starr!!