For years, from the time I was five and until yesterday at the ripe old age of 44 I have held many desires.
My one desire which topped the others with a fire and hunger that raged more than Rosie O’Donnell being set on fire at an All-You-Can Eat biscuit and gravy buffet?
My wish to love, live, and lay with in complete and utter sweaty carnal rapaciousness with Meredith Baxter.
Alas, she has burst my bubble and my fantasy fueled hard-on by announcing on the Today Show yesterday, that she is a lesbian.
I am broken hearted and despondent. All of the worship and effort that I have invested in trying to secure the love of this incredibly sexy and timeless woman has evaporated into the bowels of the landfill of time.When I was but seven or eight years old, I was immediately smitten by the hot babe who showed up on my TV screen in the show, Bridget Loves Bernie.
Meredith was so convincing as a rich Catholic chick and she oozed sinful sexuality. The things I did with my pre-pubescent dork while watching her were wackier than the madcap hilarity that went on in the show.
I loved her and wanted that damn David Birney dead. He was with her and I was not, and on top of that? In the show he played a poor, Jewish cab driver.
I mean, c’mon how many poor, Jewish cab drivers are there? That’s right…None!! He was a phony and no good for her. He’s probably the bastard who turned her gay.
During her stint as Mrs. Keaton on Family Ties, I would ruminate about being cast as a 16 year old neighbor boy who comes over and does Mrs. Keaton doggie-style while Mr. Keaton is off at his touchy-feely PBS job.Oh how I pined for her and her glorious small screen hotness. I watched every one of her 600 made-for-TV movies.
I really liked her in the movie where she played some crazy bulimic bitch who threw up undigested Big Mac chunks all the time. HOT!!
And now? All of that is gone. She’s a frickin’ lesbian, and scissoring some chick named Nancy Locke. What a wicked pisser. And it bums me out as the Christmas season nears.
I was soooooo hoping that maybe this year that I would be her special Christmas Visitor, but that Christmas wish has been dashed much like the time when I was six and asked Santa for a Chemistry set and a Barbie.
Oh well…I guess this Christmas I will let go of my desire for Meredith and just set my sights on my desire to eat smoked salmon with the former Miss Denmark and current Bagwine Babe, Heidi Zadeh...
A word of advice to Meredith Baxter…Just because you’re now a lesbian, don’t even think about horning in on my Heidi. You’ve broken my heart once Meredith, and if you do it again?I’ll cut you…cut you bad.
Cheers!!
P.S. At least one of the Merry Christmas Billboard Ladies stopped by my site yesterday and didn't leave me a "Merry Christmas" in my comment section. That's not very nice.
24 comments:
Matt, Matt, Matt...I fear you are jumping off the Meredith bandwagon far too soon.
How hot would it be to be the mayonnaise (or perhaps spicy mustard) in a sissor sandwich with Meredith and Nancy? Just tell me you would refuse....well....I DON'T HEAR YOU!!!
David: It's too late David...I craved her for myself. She is too much woman for one man to share. Cheers David!!
Have heart... she may not be 100% gay. After all, she was with men her whole life until this relationship. Maybe she'll switch teams again. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!
PS- There are 2 women in my town that are twins and are DEAD RINGERS for Meredith Baxter, but younger.
Team swaps late in life are just soooo confusing!
She was one of the original MILF’s, that’s for sure. Personally I’m more of a Justine Bateman …..um…man myself. What with those big brown eyes and bad girl ignorance she possessed. I’m a little surprised that you’re into emetophilia though. I guess my sexual niche greeting card company is going to blow more chunks than I ever expected!
Who did the Christmas visitor turn out to be? A gastroenterologist?
My deepest condolences old bean.
Page 3 girl Sam Fox - who I lusted after for many years - did the same thing to me a while back.
Recovery was painfully slow for me until I decided to watch Kylie wiggle her bum instead.
Lady: She wasn't with men her whole life; she was with poofy hair fancy boys. Maybe I could convert her back...but I feel not the urge any longer. Cheers D!!
Starr: I was thinking the same thing. I mean, I used to love chicken livers and now? Not so much. Cheers Starr!!
Scott: Ha. I say it is imperative that you move forward with your card company. I think it's her drawn down mouth and straw like hair that turns me on. Cheers Scott!!
Four: Mmmmmmmmm. Samantha Fox. I longed for her to hunt me down like a chicken. Cheers FD!!
The same thing happened to me with Anne Heche... but then she turned back to the 'good' side. Or did she?
Doc: Why can't people make up their minds? I have enough confusion in my life as it is. Cheers Doc!!
...I, too, once had a crush on this fine representative of womanhood but she fell out of my favor when she hyphenated her name. I cannot abide hyphenation...
Phfrankie: That should have been a clue. She got married and hyphenated her name which says:
Am I married or not?
What she was really struggling with even way back when was:
Am I gay or not?
I should have picked up on that. Cheers P-Man!!
As I have mentioned many times, Mallory Keaton was my first major celebrity crush. Of course, this means that Elyse and Mallory were my first Mother/Daughter fantasy tag team. And, even though they've since been eclipsed by Lorelai and Rory Gilmore, Elyse and Mallory will always have a special place in my heart.
Jay: You know what I have always liked about you? While you are a Cynica Bastard, you are also one of the most sentimental bastards that I know. Cheers Jay!!
Jay as a cynical yet sentimental bastard! I love that Matty, perfect
funny, I always got a gay vibe from MB but maybe it was wishful thinking on my part - she is hot
I am shocked that the visiting Billboard Lady did not leave a 'Merry Christmas' - ya know it was raining real hard here all night, now I know it was really Jesus weeping
Dianne: Ha. As for MB? I really never found her to be very hot. I got I missed my message on that point. I was always kinda repulsed by her.
But you're right...The Ladies came by my site because I emailed them with a link to my site and what do they do? Shun Me!! Jeebus must have had tears of pity on their misguided souls. Cheers Sexy and now answer your damn phone!!
MB lesbian...
sheesh dude..all the women in 80's sitcoms are gay..did you not know that?
I can feel your pain. I was crushed when I found out that Patrick Stewart played for the other team. Sigh.
most of the people I know already knew Meredith was gay...
seems lots of women of that era are switching teams.
maybe they didn't recognize their sexual orientation until later in life.
maybe they are fed up with men and are looking for something better.
and maybe...they are just bi.
Bond: Please don't tell me that the Landers sisters were gay. That would destory me. Cheers Vinny!!
Rat: That's what he gets for trying to fill the manly shoes of Bill Shatner. Don't Mess With The Shat. Cheers Rat!!
Kat: Those are all well thought reasons, but then again maybe she just likes the taste of another chick's Hoo-Ha. Cheers Kat!!
According to JR you can always watch with hopes of getting in-between.
Michele: JR is absolutely correct however...
If I can dream of ever being in between, it will involve Heidi and Tyra Banks. Cheers Michele!!
what's next???
Shirley Partridge?...Samantha Stevens?....damn...
Teamster: Shirley was kinda hot in her day. Cheers!!
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