So much for the long held dream of the Matt-Man.
For years, from the time I was five and until yesterday at the ripe old age of 44 I have held many desires.
My one desire which topped the others with a fire and hunger that raged more than Rosie O’Donnell being set on fire at an All-You-Can Eat biscuit and gravy buffet?
My wish to love, live, and lay with in complete and utter sweaty carnal rapaciousness with Meredith Baxter.
Alas, she has burst my bubble and my fantasy fueled hard-on by announcing on the Today Show yesterday, that she is a lesbian.
I am broken hearted and despondent. All of the worship and effort that I have invested in trying to secure the love of this incredibly sexy and timeless woman has evaporated into the bowels of the landfill of time.
When I was but seven or eight years old, I was immediately smitten by the hot babe who showed up on my TV screen in the show, Bridget Loves Bernie.
Meredith was so convincing as a rich Catholic chick and she oozed sinful sexuality. The things I did with my pre-pubescent dork while watching her were wackier than the madcap hilarity that went on in the show.
I loved her and wanted that damn David Birney dead. He was with her and I was not, and on top of that? In the show he played a poor, Jewish cab driver.
I mean, c’mon how many poor, Jewish cab drivers are there? That’s right…None!! He was a phony and no good for her. He’s probably the bastard who turned her gay.
During her stint as Mrs. Keaton on Family Ties, I would ruminate about being cast as a 16 year old neighbor boy who comes over and does Mrs. Keaton doggie-style while Mr. Keaton is off at his touchy-feely PBS job.
Oh how I pined for her and her glorious small screen hotness. I watched every one of her 600 made-for-TV movies.
I really liked her in the movie where she played some crazy bulimic bitch who threw up undigested Big Mac chunks all the time. HOT!!
And now? All of that is gone. She’s a frickin’ lesbian, and scissoring some chick named Nancy Locke. What a wicked pisser. And it bums me out as the Christmas season nears.
I was soooooo hoping that maybe this year that I would be her special Christmas Visitor, but that Christmas wish has been dashed much like the time when I was six and asked Santa for a Chemistry set and a Barbie.
Oh well…I guess this Christmas I will let go of my desire for Meredith and just set my sights on my desire to eat smoked salmon with the former Miss Denmark and current Bagwine Babe, Heidi Zadeh...
A word of advice to Meredith Baxter…Just because you’re now a lesbian, don’t even think about horning in on my Heidi. You’ve broken my heart once Meredith, and if you do it again?
I’ll cut you…cut you bad.
P.S. At least one of the Merry Christmas Billboard Ladies stopped by my site yesterday and didn't leave me a "Merry Christmas" in my comment section. That's not very nice.