Another beautiful day in Bagwine, Ohio.
Sunny and a high of 84. And?
I am working 11-9 and then off to have pizza and watch football with the R-Man tonight for a couple of hours.
Life isn't awful.
Schmoop and I were wondering how the Jewish Princess would adapt to the new couch. Well, Corky seems to have taken a liking to Lilly...
The new computer and desk look really good now. Of course,
How could things not look good when Heidi Zadeh is the background...?
Anyhoo...
Jay and I will be broadcasting another award winning installment of I'm With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio tomorrow at 11 AM EDT.
We will, among our usual schtick, be discussing our worst dates ever.
Listen in and call-in with your dating disasters and let's have some fun while we all recuperate from our Sunday morning hangovers.
One more thing...
If you visit the I'm With Stupid site you can also see our I'm With Stupid Hot, Smart Babe of the Week.
She is so sweet that Dairy Queen has nothing on her. Well, actually Dairy Queen is all over her in this particular picture.
Have a wunnerful weekend, you chuckleheads, and as always...
Cheers!!
Today marks the day that the UN Climate Change Conference convenes in wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen…That’s in Denmark.
Delegates from nearly every country will be attending this summit over the course of the next two weeks.
Can you tell that I am bored as I type this? Well if you can’t, let me tellz ya…My eyes are vacant and crossing and my head is nearly resting on my keyboard. And no…I haven’t had any Wild Irish Rose to drink either.
Climate Change/Global Warming/It’s Good to be Green is an issue/topic/religion that I just cannot get a hard-on about. It bores me to tears, and I find people on both sides of the issue to be more than irritating.
The Greeniks wail and gnash their teeth because the world is going to end tomorrow if we don’t retard the filth and man made heat we are generating.
Those on the other end of this climatological spectrum who like Pangloss utter, “This is the best of all possible worlds!!”, have their heads in the sand.
Over millions of years, this planet has and will continue to undergo climate change. How much is man made and how much is a natural, cyclical occurrence, no one knows.
And…If someone says they know, they’re lying
Certainly the human race has had an effect on the climate. How can a group of people go from simple hunting and gathering to producing mega factories that belch ungodly pollutants out of their smokestacks and not expect it to have an effect?
On the other hand…in the grand scheme of Earth’s history, we haven’t been belching into the atmosphere all that long.
In order to determine how much change in our climate is natural and how much is man made can only be determined if we can find a climatologist who is a million years old. I don’t think one exists. Sure, Larry King is a million years old, but he isn’t a climatologist.
I do have a theory on the issue at hand however…
I think it is both ironic and appropriate that this Climate Change Summit is taking place in Denmark.
If global warming due to human causes is a reality, the answer as to why lies in Denmark, and here it is…
That’s right Matt-Man’s favorite Danish dish, Heidi Zadeh. She can pop the top off of any thermometer just by looking at it. Heidi Zadeh, ladies and gentlemen…the cause of global warming.
With that problem solved, I want to give a big wet kiss and birthday shout out to my buddy Dianne.
Happy Birthday, Dianne. Think of me when you bite into that cake today.
Cheers!!
So much for the long held dream of the Matt-Man.
For years, from the time I was five and until yesterday at the ripe old age of 44 I have held many desires.
My one desire which topped the others with a fire and hunger that raged more than Rosie O’Donnell being set on fire at an All-You-Can Eat biscuit and gravy buffet?
My wish to love, live, and lay with in complete and utter sweaty carnal rapaciousness with Meredith Baxter.
Alas, she has burst my bubble and my fantasy fueled hard-on by announcing on the Today Show yesterday, that she is a lesbian.
I am broken hearted and despondent. All of the worship and effort that I have invested in trying to secure the love of this incredibly sexy and timeless woman has evaporated into the bowels of the landfill of time.
When I was but seven or eight years old, I was immediately smitten by the hot babe who showed up on my TV screen in the show, Bridget Loves Bernie.
Meredith was so convincing as a rich Catholic chick and she oozed sinful sexuality. The things I did with my pre-pubescent dork while watching her were wackier than the madcap hilarity that went on in the show.
I loved her and wanted that damn David Birney dead. He was with her and I was not, and on top of that? In the show he played a poor, Jewish cab driver.
I mean, c’mon how many poor, Jewish cab drivers are there? That’s right…None!! He was a phony and no good for her. He’s probably the bastard who turned her gay.
During her stint as Mrs. Keaton on Family Ties, I would ruminate about being cast as a 16 year old neighbor boy who comes over and does Mrs. Keaton doggie-style while Mr. Keaton is off at his touchy-feely PBS job.
Oh how I pined for her and her glorious small screen hotness. I watched every one of her 600 made-for-TV movies. I really liked her in the movie where she played some crazy bulimic bitch who threw up undigested Big Mac chunks all the time. HOT!!
And now? All of that is gone. She’s a frickin’ lesbian, and scissoring some chick named Nancy Locke. What a wicked pisser. And it bums me out as the Christmas season nears.
I was soooooo hoping that maybe this year that I would be her special Christmas Visitor, but that Christmas wish has been dashed much like the time when I was six and asked Santa for a Chemistry set and a Barbie.
Oh well…I guess this Christmas I will let go of my desire for Meredith and just set my sights on my desire to eat smoked salmon with the former Miss Denmark and current Bagwine Babe, Heidi Zadeh...
A word of advice to Meredith Baxter…Just because you’re now a lesbian, don’t even think about horning in on my Heidi. You’ve broken my heart once Meredith, and if you do it again?
I’ll cut you…cut you bad.
Cheers!!P.S. At least one of the Merry Christmas Billboard Ladies stopped by my site yesterday and didn't leave me a "Merry Christmas" in my comment section. That's not very nice.
About five months ago, I changed the way I blog to a degree. I started writing about topical items more and less often about personal things.
Trying to create an audience by going blog to blog and hoping in return others would do the same, was taking up a considerable amount of time.
I noticed back then, that only 2% of people who stopped by Bagwine Ruminations were directed to my site by a search engine.
I thought that if could do things differently I could increase my search engine traffic and get a 50/50 mix. It’s working. I now get 20-40 percent of my daily traffic directed to my site by a search engine.
I continue to get hits from people who are directed to my three month old posts about Al Roker and The Weather Channel. Folks typing in things like “Al Roker Sucks”…“Fuck Al Roker”…etc., show up daily.
A search for “Alisyn Camerota Is Hot” or variants thereof, direct many people to my posts dedicated to my favorite FOX News Babe. Alisyn Camerota remains my number one sexy siren of search engine success, but Wow..!!
Bagwine Ruminations has a new chick in the Google machine that may soon surpass my sweet Allie in directing people to Matt-Man.
Who? You ask?
The incredibly sexy, edible, makes me spontaneously spew something resembling Havarti cheese in my pants, Heidi Zadeh.
I first wrote about the Iranian born, former Miss Denmark, Heidi Zadeh back in July, but only lately has she revved up the search engine and directed horny men and women everywhere to my site.
She has also sent Bagwine Ruminations zooming up the internet charts in Denmark.
Hell, yesterday, while the vast majority of my visitors were from the U.S., a full 13% were from Denmark and another 8% from nearby countries such as Sweden, Germany, and the U.K.
Pickled Herring, anyone?
I felt because of all of the Bagwine activity generated by the lovely Miss Zadeh, I should take time today and thank her.
I think that since I have, in a way, used Heidi, I should graciously offer to allow her to use me…in any way Heidi and her smokin’ hot body would like. I know, yet another example of my selflessness.
Heidi, if you are out there reading today’s post, please know that I would love to be your ambassador to the United States.
I would be happy to spread the word of your hotness to all Americans, help to spread your fame across the Atlantic, and of course, spread those never-ending legs of yours.
As soon as I can pay someone to find your email, I will send you a link to this post, my home phone number, and an outline of the key to the apartment door.
You can stop by anytime, Heidi. The Bagwine will be chillin’, the cod will be drying, and I’ll be on the couch stroking my kolde bord.
I owe this and more to you...I Love You, Heidi.
Skål and Bunden i Vejret Eller Resten i Håret!!
We are in the middle of a Health Care Reform and economic crisis folks and what does President Obama plan on doing about it?
Hopping aboard Air Force One and flying off to wonderful, wonderful, Copenhagen…Yep, his wife Michelle is already in Denmark, and the President will be flying there tonight.
Why is President Obama traipsing off to the land of Hans Christian Andersen, Heidi Zadeh, and Havarti?
He is trying to influence the International Olympic Committee in their decision as to what city will host the 2016 Summer Olympics.
The Obamas are trying to rally support and votes from the IOC in hopes that Chicago will be chosen to be that host city.
I dig that…but others? Not so much.
Loons on right wing talk radio and cable are going nuts. House GOP Leader John Boehner (R-OH) and GOP Chairman Michael “Distempered” Steele are saying President Obama should stay in Washington, D.C. and focus on more pressing problems, such as Health Care Reform and jobs.
Steele, Boehner, and right wing talking heads? Get off your podium of stupid and please restrain yourselves from trying to make political gold out of an also-ran issue. Seriously…you look stupid.
If Obama can help bring the 2016 Summer Olympics to Chicago, U.S.A., what the hell is wrong with that? Hello? Anyone, Anyone? Bueller?
I really don’t think Obama going to wonderful, wonderful, Copenhagen is going to make or break any progress on any Health Care Reform or job creation plan that Steele or Boehner really don’t give a shit about anyway.
And listen…It’s 2009 and not 1901, and Obama is not William McKinley. In this day and age, we have planes and everything. Yes we do, fellas!!
It’s not as though it’s late July 1901 and Obama is President McKinley hopping aboard the ocean liner, Fürst Bismarck. And then, as McKinley would have, steam to Hamburg in order to address the IOC in hopes of bringing the 1912 Olympics to Buffalo.
After meeting with the IOC, McKinley then would have to steam back to the States, hop on a train, and arrive in Buffalo a month after his departure on September 6th, 1901.
Of course McKinley would have to break the news to hopeful Buffalonians that the IOC had awarded the 1912 Olympics to Stockholm.
Of course upon hearing the bad news, Leon Czolgosz would be so depressed that he would shoot McKinley twice at point blank range, and McKinley would die eight days later. You see…
Czolgosz was not only an Anarchist, he was a world class triple jumper, but with the news, his Olympic hopes were forever dashed. He would then take his depression out on McKinley in the form of hot lead. Perhaps ol' Leon should have entered a shooting event.
Fortunately, that is not how it is today…Obama is going to be gone about 24 hours…if that. He has a plane, computers, and other nifty gadgets. Yes he does, fellas!!
He will only be out of town for a few hours and after that, Boehner, Steele, and his ilk can go back to doing nothing while Obama is in town, rather than whining while he is out of town.
If Obama can help bring the 2016 Summer Olympics to Chi-Town, what the hell is the problem with that? Jeebus Christ ya phony fucks. Quit makin’ an issue out of it.
Oh…one word to President O-Man. If you get a chance, my man, look up Heidi Zadeh and ask her the following for me…
"Kan vi få nøgen?"
Thank you Mr. President, and...
Cheers!!
Okay Kiddies…The past couple of days I have discussed my equal opportunity hate for a handful of black people and white people.
Today and tomorrow it’s all about my equal opportunity love for the ladies. Today on Bagwine Racial Equality Week (BREW), I give you…
Non-Caucasian Muffins That I’d Love To Butter!!
And folks…I am not going to rehash my ancient, ongoing drooling love for Tyra Banks. I am going to spotlight some lesser known ladies.
Alison Stewart (top) and Tamron Hall (bottom, mmmmm, bottom): Why do I put these two lovely ladies together? Well first and foremost, it would be far more fun to have sex with two lovely Nubian knockouts than one, and secondly…they both work for MSNBC.
Oh how I long for them to be naked together at the news desk with me in studio as their lead story. Between the playful cuteness of Alison and the smoldering hotness of Tamron, I’d be spewing love juice quicker and longer than the news ticker at the bottom of the screen.
Call me Matt-Bisco ‘cause I’m going to be the cream filling in the Oreo of love with those two.
Heidi Zadeh: Many of you may not know Mizz Zadeh. She is an Iranian born model who lives in Denmark. Being Iranian, she could be either Arab or Persian…Muslim or Zoroastrian…Crazy or Sane!!
Plus, now she’s a Dane. A Scandinavian!! She could be a Lutheran. Sweet Baby Jeebus!! Spreading her legs apart would result in opening a Pandora’s Box of ethnicities, creeds, and desires.
Oh how I’d love to meet Heidi in wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen, swim in her body and explore every fjord of her flesh.
Jeanette Littledove: Mmmmmm. Jeanette…The prototypical porn star, now retired. She claimed to be a full-blooded Cherokee Indian. Whether that is true or not, I don’t care. Either way, she has a set of heap big wampums, and I dream of running my pole beans up her wigwam.
Spending a naked night with her would result in me crying a trail of tears…of ecstasy. How, Baby, How.
Betty Nguyen: This vixen of Vietnamese descent rocks my world every Saturday morning on CNN. She sits at the anchor desk and one knee is always showing. She lights my temperature up with Yellow Fever.
America is a better place with you here…And America would be even better if you were naked…with me. Habba Habba, Me Love You Long Time Betty.
I know she’s gone over the rainbow, but man…how I’d love to bounce atop this buoyant black beauty of bootyliciousness. Boo Yah, Bitches!! Best thing about Shirl?
When she was done humpin’ my stump…she could bring me a po’ boy sammich with a side of slaw. Want your tip Shirley? Matt-Man gots it right c’here.
So there you have it folks…some lesser know women of color that I’d like to cover with my white body.
Tomorrow? White Blogging Babes That I’d Love To Bang.
Yeah right…If I listed those of you who I’d like to have sex with, the result would be…
I’d be slapped by some; cursed by others; and mocked by all.
So, I’ll figure something out as to how to wrap up Bagwine Racial Equality Week. Enjoy your Thursday.
Cheers!!
The new computer and desk look really good now. Of course,
Anyhoo...
