Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Twelve Days of Christmas...Bagwine Style

I was going to re-record today’s Bagwine Christmas Classic, but when I got home from work Tuesday night, I was far too tired and Schmoop was far too deep into her much needed beauty sleep.


I will just go with the original recording that took place in 2007. After all, tradition is a major part of the Christmas Season, right? RIGHT!?

Without any further verbal meandering by me, I give you, Matt-Man’s Twelve Days of Christmas. Enjoy…or don’t.

On the first day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
A cure for his social disease

On the second day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Two rubber gloves

On the third day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Three French whores

On the fourth day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Foreplay for hours

One the fifth day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Five Penis Rings…

On the sixth day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Six cheeks a-spreading

On the seventh day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Seven Chinese Baskets

On the eighth day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Eight maids a-milking (How can I improve upon that!?)

On the ninth day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Nine minutes resting

On the tenth day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Ten hidden cameras

On the eleventh day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Eleven Viagra tablets

On the twelfth day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Twelve kegs of Bagwine

Well Bitches, I am off until Saturday morning, so it is now time to get my full frontal Christmas spirit on.

How will I do that you ask? By penning a Christmas message of joy, hope, and inspiration today that I can post tomorrow, Christmas Eve.

I will find the words of my Christmas message by searching my soul, trusting my heart, and channeling the Holy Baby Jeebus…

Of course, a fifth of Wild Irish Rose couldn’t hurt the message either.



Candice said...

I loved it!

But I'm confused about something. Men actually WANT foreplay for HOURS?

You may be one of a kind Matt-Man.

Matt-Man said...

Candice: Thanks and Ha. You have recognized my strength. I am Mr. Foreplay. There are a couple of things that I love to do for hours prior to "knocking one off."

And!! My one HARD and fast rule as far as sex goes..?


Yeah, I'm cool like that. Cheers Candice!!

Dianne said...

you remind me more and more of George Carlin all the time, and he was one sexy motherfucker!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Thanks and Rowwr...Bring it on Baby. Purrrrr. Cheers Di!!

VE said...

That's a classic! I think Dianne called it are Carlin-esque in your comedy. I was going to do a Carlin impersonation on my blog but it scared the hell out of's a high bar to reach...

Matt-Man said...

VE: Pffffft. You can pull off anything you put your uber-amusing mind to. Thanks and Cheers VE!!

Dana said...

It just wouldn't have been Christmas without your "12 Days of Christmas" ... and your fifth of WIR!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Thank Ya. And I have already gotten my X-Mas present, which was introducing you to the beauty and clean, refreshing taste of Wild Irish Rose. Good Shit ain't it? Cheers dana!!

Lu' said...

Spinnin' today Sparky but not out of control. Had to stop by and say HI! Check you later. Have a great day Bud'

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Oh Dear God, how I love it when you spin. Hi back atcha, and have a wunnerful day Lu. Cheers, Pal O' Mine!!

Doc said...

Have a wonderful Bagwine Christmas Matt-Man... an i hope you get everything you want.... Well mabye not the 5 penis rings... but everything else.

Bond said...

A classic indeed

and I also follow the rules regarding ladies first

Matt-Man said...

Doc: You have a wunnerful Christmas too, Doc. And listen...If someone gives me five penis rings they better be very, very tiny. Cheers Doc!!

Bond: Y'know...Finding a guy who knows how to work it with the ladies in bed is like trying to find a baseball player today who knows how to lay down a good bunt. They are few and far bewteen. Cheers Vin!!

Joker_SATX said...


Have a very Merry Christmas Matt-Man!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...Tiger Woods is the King of Fore-play!...

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Thanks Joker. Merry Christmas to you too. Cheers!!

Phfrankie: That may be true but he had to pay to play...I played the courses free. Well, except where the ex is concerned. Cheers P-Man!!

You can Call me AL said...

Merry Christmas Matt-Man!

Hope the Holidays treat you well and Thank-You for my morning reads; Damn! going on 3 years now.

BTW - That last pic of you... Damn dude! you have lost the weight!

David said...

Another fine Bagwine tradition from the amazing Matt-man.

btw - do you drink your WIR with a straw or do you waste time pouring it in a glass?

Matt-Man said...

Al: And I appreciate you still coming by Al. I hope you and your family have a great Christmas.

And yeah...I am down to about 174. In the video I was about 215. And three plus years ago I topped out at 265. Holy Cow!!

Cheers Al!!

Matt-Man said...

David: Funny you ask. I have a special glass from which I drink God's fruity gift. Cheers David!!

Four Dinners said...

These days I'm lucky to make it to two play....;-)

Sounds like you're set for a good'n old bean.

Happy Crimbo!

Matt-Man said...

Four: I'm sure you'll be fine. A crazy ass like you can't have a bad holiday. Cheers FD!!