Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Wrap It Up, I'll Take It!!

Back in 2006, I began altering the definition of what sex consisted of. Like the 12 year old that I am, I have always found this experiment amusing. What follows, is my Christmas edition of sex change definitions. Enjoy…

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas, I have altered the meaning of sex once again. I will offer you an insight into my life with following definition alterations. From now on, these are the rules…

Have Sex= Wrap presents
Having Sex= Wrapping presents
Had Sex= Wrapped presents

To wit, and heretofore is the following.

Back when I was a teen one Christmas Eve, my girlfriend, Sherri, and I were having sex in my bedroom when one of my brothers walked in. He burst out laughing because Sherri and I were so sloppy and bad at having sex.

Unfortunately, when the bastard walked in on us, he not only got a good laugh, he also got a full frontal peak at what she was giving him for Christmas. He left. We finished having sex, and I put a big bow on her box.

During the holiday season, I enjoy going to department stores and watching the young women behind the counter have sex. I don’t know how they do it.

They stand there 8-10 hours a day having sex in front complete strangers. It’s adorable watching the young boys and girls watch the chicks have sex with Daddy’s package.

I guess it is not really a bad gig. I mean having sex for 10 hours and getting paid for it, I may look into that.

When I was a wee lad, I remember one Christmas morn in particular. It was about 4 A.M., and I awoke with a thirst.

I straggled out to the fridge for a drink, and lo and behold, there were my mom and dad furiously having sex on the kitchen floor. Ribbon was flying everywhere, and without stopping, Dad told me to go back to bed.

One thing that always happens to me when having sex is that I run out of tape. It sucks because I can’t get the job done and nothing stays where it should. It’s really quite frustrating.

I remember another source of frustration as well. Back when I was a very young, left handed child, having sex was awkward and difficult for me.

Fortunately I had a number of older brothers and sisters who were always eager to lend me a hand. It was so nice of them.

Our family had a great time in those days. Our tightly knit clan would gather together to eat sausage balls, drink eggnog, and have sex as we listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing the Hallelujah Chorus over and over. Good times, good times.

Having sex can be one of the most joyous experiences of the holiday season.

In fact, I hope that this weekend my son and his mom went out to buy me something nice, and then took it home and had sex together.

What could be more pure and traditional than Ryno and his mom having sex? Nothing...or maybe there could be...

When I pick Ryno up this Thursday maybe he and I will have to time to grab hold of his mom's present and have sex together as well. I'll try to make it happen.

And by the way, friends...

We still have a couple of days until Christmas. If you’re in the neighborhood, stop by, because I have gotten pretty good at having sex over the years, so if you need it, I would love to help you have sex too.

Cheers!!

13 comments:

colbymarshall said...

hahaha- TOO FUNNY! Glad I stopped by your blog ;-)

David said...

Finding out that your parents made you listen to endless recordings of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir while having sex goes a long way to explaining your adult...condition. Those Mormons and their tabernacle rules are just a bunch of sickos that innocent children should never be exposed to (pardon the dangling participle please)

Cheers Matt-Man and I hope you have sex with everyone who needs your special touch - even as a lefty...which I don't hold against you, btw, even though it makes you abnormal...hehe

Matt-Man said...

Colby: Ha. Thanks and I'm glad you stopped by as well. Thanks for the comment. Cheers Colby!!

David: Yeah...to do this day I stll listen to The MTC while having sex and now have trouble "hitting the high notes" if you know what I mean.

Thanks for your wish, lefties rule, and Cheers David!!

Doc said...

I feel so dirty now knowing that I helped my two year old have sex for the first time this past weekend...

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha. Don't worry, she won't remember. You'll just have to have sex with her again nex Christmas so the memory sticks. Cheers Doc!!

Dana said...

This is just wrong ... WAY wrong ... and oh-so funny!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: If "having sex" with family, friends, and my kid at Christmas time is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Cheers Dana!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I'll be having sex today. Alone, whilst listening to the Sinatra Family Christmas Album. I may become misty-eyed...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: The Sinatra FAMILY Christmas Album? I bet you'll be getting "misty-eyed" thinking about Nancy wearing her boots that were made for walkin'. Cheers P-Man!!

Jay said...

I'm going to go around today asking random women if they like wrapping presents. When they say yes, I'm going to start giggling like a 13 year old.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Hee Hee...That my friend, is my Christmas present to you. Cheers Jay, and let me know what your findings are!!

Joker_SATX said...

Damn! That means that I only had a little bit of Sex while my wife had the rest of the sex!

I knew there was something up with that and why she was always smiling.....

Matt-Man said...

Joker: There's still time to make up for things. Go find a friend and wrap presents with her. Cheers Joker!!