Monday, February 01, 2010

Horoscopes for February 2010

Here's something we haven't seen in ages. Your not-nearly-monthly Bagwine Whore-O-Scope!!

March 21-April 19

Your ruling drink is Thunderbird. A tongue discoloring wine with 17.5% alcohol, you get the New Year of the Zodiac, and life itself, kicked off with a battering and a hurl.

Your disdain for circular logic and a half dozen corn dogs go spinning out of control when you are trapped for seven hours next to Glenn Beck on a Ferris Wheel gone bad.

April 20-May 20

Your ruling drink is JOOSE. Full of Taurine, Caffeine, and 9.9% alcohol. You are a bull full of drunken energy. Much like JOOSE itself, you have an unpleasant smell.

Upon your arrest by French authorities, you are shocked to discover that taking a dump in the middle of the Louvre, is not considered great art... performance or otherwise.

May 21-June 20

Your ruling drink is Night Train Express. A “special” ingredient combined with 17.5% alcohol makes you a twin blend of frivolity and memory loss.

Your ability to see and speak with God seems less nifty when he begins riding in your backseat on the way to work everyday while constantly complaining about your driving.

June 21-July 22

Your ruling drink is Sterno. While the alcohol content effect is unknown, drinking “Canned Heat” can often lead to death, much like your sign’s namesake.

Screwing your girlfriend 'til she's "blue in the face" seemed like a hot idea, until you had sex with her in the back seat of your car with the engine running and the garage door down.

July 23-August 22

Your ruling drink is Hurricane High Gravity produced by Anheuser-Busch. At 8.1% alcohol, you can still remain coherent enough to lead the pride, while still roaring proudly…and obnoxiously.

Your recipe for Poodle Stew and Beagles and Lox may win you 2nd Place in the 2008 Jewish-Korean cook-off in Seoul, but back home it earns you only scorn and cries of, "puppy-eater."

August 23-September 22

Your ruling drink is Boone’s Farm. With types at 7.5% alcohol or less, you are a pussy, but hardly virginal. On the upside, the marginal alcohol content assures that you won’t sleep with the incredibly ugly people that other signs will.

There is never a good time to say you want a divorce. But telling your spouse of your wishes while he or she is performing a liver transplant is not in your best interest, nor the patient's.

September 23-October 22

Your ruling drink is Mad Dog 20/20. With flavors averaging 13%, you are justifiably at the middle of the scale. Combining MD 20/20 with your sense of compassion, leads you to have sex with anyone who is even slightly unhappy.

You have always known that a penny saved is a penny earned, but later in the month you will also find out how painful it is to be hit upside the head with a sock full of hot nickels.

October 23-November 21

Your ruling drink is Cisco. Distributed by the same folks as Wild Irish Rose, and with identical 18% alcohol, you give and receive painful verbal stings. You and the Aquarian (see below) are not a good social mix.

You will finally let go of all of that extra baggage you have been carrying with in your life, and when authorities find it, they will finally know what happened to your mother who disappeared eight years ago.

November 22-December 21

Your ruling drink is Steel Reserve 211. A beer with 8.1% alcohol, this medieval beverage helps your to hone your skills as the archer. Your thoughts always hit the bull’s-eye when drinking this…at least in your mind.

You discover that cardboard boxes don't make good tire jacks, unfortunately not soon enough to save your legs.

December 22-January 19

Your ruling drink is well…anything. You are after all, some type of goat. Rude, stubborn, and personally boorish; you’ll drink anything put in front of you, provided you don’t have to pay for it.

Fuel line freeze up in your car is a very bad thing, but you’ll quickly discover that heating up a gallon of gasoline on your stove to pour into your gas tank is not a good solution to the problem.

January 20-February 18

Your ruling drink is Wild Irish Rose. People admire your sarcasm and love your introspection. And at 18% alcohol, you are more than happy to love them back (except Scorpios)…provided you don’t pass out first.

Your 13 year old daughter will get knocked up, your spouse will leave you, and the bank will foreclose on your house, but it's the question as to how and where you got those anal warts and the tatoo on your ass that reads, "Eat More Carp" that is really throwing you for a loop.


February 19-March 20

Your ruling drink is King Cobra Malt Liquor. This “Snake in a Bottle” is only 6% alcohol, but what you lack in punch you make up for in volume, because you drink like a fish.

You will save your town from destruction from an elephant gone berserk and all will be proud of you. So proud in fact, that the citizens will erect an ivory tower in your honor on the very spot where the rampaging elephant will have had a heart attack and died while stomping you to death.

Enjoy your February...



Jay said...

"You will save your town from destruction from an elephant gone berserk and all will be proud."

I'm gonna stop the republicans from ruining my town? Cool! ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: If you want to look at it that way I guess you could. After all, Blanche Lincoln ain't gonna stop any Republican. Cheers Jay!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

I've never heard of High Gravity... I'll have to look into that. Glad I didn't get the cooking fuel one, lol.

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Leo, eh? Good luck with the Poodle Stew. High Gravity is actually a brewing process. Hurricane is the actual name.

Steel Reserve is also a "high gravity" brew. Aren't you glad I told you all of this? Cheers D!!

Jeff B said...

Whore-O-Scope...Isn't that what a lady of the evening uses to freshen her breath after giving a BJ?

The Covert Lover said...

Wild Irish Rose... I guess I'll have to try that one day.
Some might say I'm "wild" I'm definitely Irish, and of course I'm as beautiful as a rose! Ha!

Glad to see you're still here Mr. Matt-Man! :)

Scott Oglesby said...

Sorry buddy, I’m not drinking that shit and you can’t make me! I like the idea of saving the town from an elephant though. And it could happen. They’re not too big on ‘safety precautions’ over here, so if a circus came to town…. I’d just borrow one of the Gypsies daily heroin supply and knock it down.

Can I interest you in any bulk ivory? Keep it on the DL.

Mike said...

Hey, where's the O'Douls or the Shirley Temple mix?

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Ha. Still on a roll aintcha, Jeff? Cheers!!

Covert: And more than a pleasure to see you indeed. Wild Irish Rose rocks. Here's to us Aquarians, Covert. Glad to see you pop back in. It's been awhile. Cheers!!

Scott: I wouldn't mind a nice understated ivory earring. But c'mon Scott King Cobra isn't bad...It's the Michelob of Malt Liquor. Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

Mike: I'm not sure which of the two signs you would be, but O'Douls sounds like a March Birthday, what with St. Paddy's Day and all. Cheers Mike!!

MysteryChick said...

Whew! I'm finally going to be able to stop dragging all that extra baggage around. It's about time, my back is killing me.

I'm sorry to find out it can never work out between us though, me being a Scorpio and all. Sigh!

On the bright side though, that Cisco stuff sounds promising. I wonder where I can buy it around here.

Four Dinners said...

Your ruling drink is well…anything. You are after all, some type of goat. Rude, stubborn, and personally boorish; you’ll drink anything put in front of you, provided you don’t have to pay for it.

You know me so well!!!!!!!

Matt-Man said...

Mystery: Hopefully the cops won't link the body back to you, but Bagwine never lies.

It is a shame thata things can't work but as Rose and Cisco come from the same place it would be like a brother sister thing. Cheers Chick!!

Four: Ha. The Bagwine readings are much more accurate than any type of star-based astrology. Cheers FD!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...those weren't puppies! They were chihuahua-kabobs!...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: I didn't know that you were the test chef for Taco Bell. Yo Quiero!! Cheers P-Man!!

David said...

My mother, bless her heart, must have lied to me about my birthday. I don't like beer and I can't imagine what would lead me to compete in a Jewish-Korean cooking contest in Seoul or Tel Aviv either for that matter...although I've had my suspicions that I had a dog-cat stew more than once while I was in China. You are one creative dude Matt-Man. Thanks for some Monday morning laughs.

Matt-Man said...

David: Hee Hee. Thanks David. And hey, Hurricane isn't just beer; it's beer on 'roids. Have a wunnerful day. Cheers and Bow Wow!!

metalmom said...


Matt-Man said...

Metal: Well, I'm trying to figure it out myself. I'm at a loss. Cheers Metal!!

Micky-T said...

Puppy toes.....are my favorite.

Bond said...

I just had some of my Night Train and I forgot what I wanted to say here...and better yet, I already forgot I read this post!

bobbybegood1 said...

Matt Man you are truly Sad!! Most sadly though is the fact that I used to drink some of those spirits! (if you can call them that) Ha. But, what the -- pardon my expression -- FUCK is Joose. Ain't heard nor tell of that one. Ha. I gots a couple for ya Tango and Cold Duck. Ahhh, the memories.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Yeah those are good but I prefer Corn Dogs. Cheers Mick!!

Bond: NIght Trainis god awful, but I'd never turn it down. Cheers Vin!!

Bobby: I am never sad when talking Bagwine. Joose is a combination of an energy drink and malt liquor. It smells. like. death. But yeahhhhh, I dig Andre' Cold Duck. Cheers BBG!!

Michele said...

How did you know that I went to a high school with the highest pregnancy rate in the whole state of Washington? MD 20/20 was not necessary.

boo said...

*snort* Dammit, I'm a Scorpio. I don't think I've ever had Cisco, but I have in the past indulged in a few bottles of the Steele. Ahhhhh, those were the Rocky Horror Days. Nothing like running around with a bunch of dudes in fishnets and merry widows to make you wanna drink. And Smoke. And drink some more.

Are you sure that's my mother in that baggage? I think it might be the ghost of Tim Curry's self esteem, still haunting me after all these years.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: When I drink WIR, I can see everything past, present, and future. At least I think I can. Cheers Michele!!

Boo: Cisco's not horrible, but of course, I think WIR tastes great. I can't believe ol' Frank N. Furter turns 64 this year. Oy. Cheers Boo!!