Horoscopes for February 2010

Here's something we haven't seen in ages. Your not-nearly-monthly Bagwine Whore-O-Scope!!

Aries
March 21-April 19

Your ruling drink is Thunderbird. A tongue discoloring wine with 17.5% alcohol, you get the New Year of the Zodiac, and life itself, kicked off with a battering and a hurl.

Your disdain for circular logic and a half dozen corn dogs go spinning out of control when you are trapped for seven hours next to Glenn Beck on a Ferris Wheel gone bad.



Taurus
April 20-May 20

Your ruling drink is JOOSE. Full of Taurine, Caffeine, and 9.9% alcohol. You are a bull full of drunken energy. Much like JOOSE itself, you have an unpleasant smell.

Upon your arrest by French authorities, you are shocked to discover that taking a dump in the middle of the Louvre, is not considered great art... performance or otherwise.



Gemini
May 21-June 20

Your ruling drink is Night Train Express. A “special” ingredient combined with 17.5% alcohol makes you a twin blend of frivolity and memory loss.

Your ability to see and speak with God seems less nifty when he begins riding in your backseat on the way to work everyday while constantly complaining about your driving.


Cancer
June 21-July 22

Your ruling drink is Sterno. While the alcohol content effect is unknown, drinking “Canned Heat” can often lead to death, much like your sign’s namesake.

Screwing your girlfriend 'til she's "blue in the face" seemed like a hot idea, until you had sex with her in the back seat of your car with the engine running and the garage door down.



Leo
July 23-August 22

Your ruling drink is Hurricane High Gravity produced by Anheuser-Busch. At 8.1% alcohol, you can still remain coherent enough to lead the pride, while still roaring proudly…and obnoxiously.

Your recipe for Poodle Stew and Beagles and Lox may win you 2nd Place in the 2008 Jewish-Korean cook-off in Seoul, but back home it earns you only scorn and cries of, "puppy-eater."



Virgo
August 23-September 22

Your ruling drink is Boone’s Farm. With types at 7.5% alcohol or less, you are a pussy, but hardly virginal. On the upside, the marginal alcohol content assures that you won’t sleep with the incredibly ugly people that other signs will.

There is never a good time to say you want a divorce. But telling your spouse of your wishes while he or she is performing a liver transplant is not in your best interest, nor the patient's.



Libra
September 23-October 22

Your ruling drink is Mad Dog 20/20. With flavors averaging 13%, you are justifiably at the middle of the scale. Combining MD 20/20 with your sense of compassion, leads you to have sex with anyone who is even slightly unhappy.

You have always known that a penny saved is a penny earned, but later in the month you will also find out how painful it is to be hit upside the head with a sock full of hot nickels.



Scorpio
October 23-November 21

Your ruling drink is Cisco. Distributed by the same folks as Wild Irish Rose, and with identical 18% alcohol, you give and receive painful verbal stings. You and the Aquarian (see below) are not a good social mix.

You will finally let go of all of that extra baggage you have been carrying with in your life, and when authorities find it, they will finally know what happened to your mother who disappeared eight years ago.



Sagittarius
November 22-December 21

Your ruling drink is Steel Reserve 211. A beer with 8.1% alcohol, this medieval beverage helps your to hone your skills as the archer. Your thoughts always hit the bull’s-eye when drinking this…at least in your mind.

You discover that cardboard boxes don't make good tire jacks, unfortunately not soon enough to save your legs.



Capricorn
December 22-January 19

Your ruling drink is well…anything. You are after all, some type of goat. Rude, stubborn, and personally boorish; you’ll drink anything put in front of you, provided you don’t have to pay for it.

Fuel line freeze up in your car is a very bad thing, but you’ll quickly discover that heating up a gallon of gasoline on your stove to pour into your gas tank is not a good solution to the problem.



Aquarius
January 20-February 18

Your ruling drink is Wild Irish Rose. People admire your sarcasm and love your introspection. And at 18% alcohol, you are more than happy to love them back (except Scorpios)…provided you don’t pass out first.

Your 13 year old daughter will get knocked up, your spouse will leave you, and the bank will foreclose on your house, but it's the question as to how and where you got those anal warts and the tatoo on your ass that reads, "Eat More Carp" that is really throwing you for a loop.



Pisces
February 19-March 20

Your ruling drink is King Cobra Malt Liquor. This “Snake in a Bottle” is only 6% alcohol, but what you lack in punch you make up for in volume, because you drink like a fish.

You will save your town from destruction from an elephant gone berserk and all will be proud of you. So proud in fact, that the citizens will erect an ivory tower in your honor on the very spot where the rampaging elephant will have had a heart attack and died while stomping you to death.


Enjoy your February...

Cheers!!