Tuesday, February 02, 2010

PETA and Punxsutawney Phil...A Delicious Combination

Today is Groundhog Day and of course many of you who follow the news know that the PETA organization is acting like a horse’s ass once again.

They are clamoring for the retirement of Punxsutawney Phil on grounds that the world’s most famous Marmota monax is treated inhumanely and once a year is subjugated to the role of leading man in a cruel and twisted media circus.

PETA would like to see Punxsutawney Phil taken to a sanctuary and replaced by an animatronic, wired-up woodchuck.

I have but two words to say about that…

Fuck PETA.

PETA says that Phil is being treated “inhumanely”. Well, there’s a reason for that…He’s not a frickin’ human. He’s a big rodent…a whistle-pig…a source for our amusement.

PETA would of course say, “Animals are not placed on this Earth for our amusement!!”

Yes…Yes, they are. On top of that, they are placed here not only for our amusement, but because they’re Goddamn tasty as well.

Humans, in addition to fruits and vegetables, are designed to eat MEAT. We have incisors like cats. We have canine teeth like dogs. Do dogs and cats eat meat? Unless they’re being fed that gay ass Chef Michael crap by Purina, you’re damn right they do.

In addition to the evolution of our teeth, we have digestive systems built not only for lima beans and soy products, but for MEAT!!

I know that I personally, can consume a suitcase full of White Castle Hamburgers on Friday night, and count on my colon to blow out the digested remains in time for me to hit the Breakfast Buffet at Big Boy by 8 A.M. Saturday morning.

And what will I eat at the breakfast buffet? Delicious animal products such as bacon, sausage, eggs, and if I could, the deleterious brain of a PETA member…and if you don’t mind, over easy with some hollandaise sauce, m'kay?

Listen…Punxsutawney Phil lives the life of luxury, and by God, Groundhog Day is an American tradition that dates back over 100 years.

In addition to that, Groundhog Day gives old guys in Pennsylvania the chance to act like goofs…it was the inspiration for one of the greatest movies ever made, and...

It affords me and my inner 12 year old the opportunity to laugh when we say, “Gobbler’s Knob”.

However, if PETA wants to make a deal, I got one. We can retire Punxsutawney Phil after his schtick, but…

He’s not going to be sent to the Groundhog retirement home. Noooooo. He’s going straight to the dinner table, and this is exactly how…

Groundhog Pie
1 groundhog skinned and cleaned
1/4 cup onion
1/4 cup green pepper
1/2 tablespoon minced parsley
1 tablespoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
4 1/2 tablespoon flour
3 cups broth

1 cup flour
2 tablespoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoon fat
1/4 cup milk

Cut groundhog into large pieces.

Parboil for 1 hour.

Remove meat from bones in large pieces, and then dice. Add onion, green pepper, parsley, salt, pepper, and flour to the broth and stir until it thickens.

If the broth does not measure 3 cups, add water.

Add the meat to the broth mixture and stir thoroughly.

Pour into baking dish.

For biscuits:

Sift flour, baking powder, and salt together. Cut in the fat and add the liquid. Stir until the dry ingredients are moist.

Roll only enough to make it fit the dish.

Place dough on top of meat, put in a hot oven (400 degrees F.) and bake 30 to 40 minutes or until dough is browned.

Happy Groundhog Day, all. Enjoy your pie with a PETA member you love.



3 Men and a Lady said...

I hate PETA. And I love meat. And leather. And fur.

Matt-Man said...

Lady: And who doesn't? If a person wants to go through life without eating a burger, donning a leather jacket, and/or wearing fur lined handcuffs, have at it. But as for me?

Leave me and my hunger for animal products alone!! Cheers D!!

Desert Rat said...

Too tired. Must sleep. So long as it's a "happy" groundhog before it becomes covered in biscuits, have at it but don't get me started on the general living conditions of *most* of our meat (by)products. I want my food to eat it's natural diet, have room to turn around and lie down, and be able to have real sex if it wants it. Oops! Looks like I got started anyway. Well, crap. I'm goin' to bed.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha...Sweet Dreams. I hope you have somnolent visions of a giant Big Mac. Mmmmm, Big Macs. Cheers Rat!!

Karen said...

I am going to make that while wearing my fur coat and leather shoes. I freaking hate the PETA freaks.

Simstone said...

When I was growing up, there were very few meals served up in my home that didn't have some kind of meat in it. I thought that everybody ate like us. Matter of fact, we often served small game meat to supplement our daily intake of pig and cow. I'm in my later 40's and my diet remains the same ... meat, potatoes, and beans. I'll throw back some green when I need it.

Matt-Man said...

Karen: Dig it. I like animals as much as the next person but they ain't humans. Don't get any groundhog grease on your coat. Cheers Karen!!

Sims: We eat "meat and potatoes" mainly, but I go meatless once in awhile as well...because I want to, not because some group of zealots tell me to.

I don't respond well to being told what I should do. Are ya listenin' PETA!? Cheers Sims!!

boo said...

I'm all for animals rights and all that happy horseshit, to a point. The asshats at PETA however are fucking useless twats.

I don't need anyone to guilt me over a steak, or compare pigs to puppies and kittens.

Meat is meat, regardless of what type of animal it's from, I'll agree with them there - where we differ is where I say if you like the way it tastes then freakin' eat it!

Like Rat, I do wish we were more responsible and compassionate in how we treat our food animals, but the fact that they are food animals bothers me not at all.

As a matter of fact, I have serious thing about both Cows and Chickens. They. Are. Evil. Period. Eat as many as you can, because for each one you eat that's one less roaming the Earth plotting against me. Seriously.

Jay said...

As much as I loathe those fuckers at PETA, part of me does wish that when that old man reaches into that hole to pull the groundhog out, Phil would just launch himself at the old man's face. That would be really entertaining.

Jeff B said...

Maybe they could replace Phil with say...a wolverine. Those things are just a whole lot of nasty wrapped in fur. It'd put a lot more sport into it when the old guy reached in to grab it.

As for PETA, what a bunch of self righteous dick smokers.

The Covert Lover said...

3 Men and a Lady said it beautifully. :)

Mike said...

The left wing crazies are just as bad as the right wing nut jobs. I try and compromise and eat things that smell of fish.

Scott Oglesby said...

The people who run PETA are complete idiots, pure and simple. I love animals and have always have, and probably would’ve gave them money, or even volunteered at some point if they weren’t so damn crazy. If they stuck to the serious problems they would be a lot more successful. I love meat too; I just think the animals bred for our consumption should live and die with a modicum of respect and peace.

The one and only thing I disagree with you on is the White Castle burgers. I’m pretty sure that they’re not meat. If I ever move back I’ll make you one of my famous barbecued, ground filet mignon/ground sirloin burgers.

Matt-Man said...

Boo: I too am all for the ethical treatment of animals. I just cleaned our cat's litter box out and filled her food bowl prior to answering you, but let us not forget that they are animals and many go great with A-1 Sauce or a creamy mustard sauce. And you're right...real, lives chickens are creepy. Cheers Boo!!

Jay: In spite of my feelings towards PETA I am in complete agreement with you. I never said that animals should not defend themselves and that would fall undere the amusement thing I mentioned. Cheers Jay!!

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Now you're thinking. Hell, that could transform Groundhog Day into one helluva pay-per-view event. We could have a concerned PETA member be the one to try to pick it up and "rescue" it. Cheers JEff!!

Covert: There ain't much to add to that is there? I mean other than saying what I think we all agree upon...Nice Ass. Cheers Covert!!

Mike: And that is a good and noble thing. After all...If it smelles like fish, it's a tasty dish. Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Absatively. If they would focus on poor treatment of animals at some circuses, processing plants, and zoos and the like and try to improve those conditions that would be fine.

But they want to ban everything animal related and focus on stupid shit like P-Phil. Goofs...

And, while you're burger sounds tasty, you will never sway my love for White Castles. Cheers Scott!!

Doc said...

Hey Matt Man I am no fan of PETA either but I have to agree with them on this one. LEAVE PHIL ALONE... because he is pissed! I have a posting stating this over at YJKOBT

Michele said...

I know as the lone vegetarian I should defend PETA but I just can't, those people as bat-shit crazy. I won't be eating Phil though and when your colon blows for the very last time because of all that nasty meat you'll be thinking of me. Wait....that didn't come out right.

jbwritergirl said...

I say any road kill is fair game on my table.

I've switched to the dark side by the way. I'm now blogging my new book on Wordpress. Come by check it out, spread the news.


It's just a sick as The Not So News. Let me know what you think.

Matt-Man said...

Doc: You do, eh? For some reason I thinkyou're being satirical. I shall be by shortly. Cheers Doc!!

Michele: They are over the top, no, and just because you are a vegetarian doens't mean you should defend nutjobs. Ha, if I think of you when that happens, I won't upset you by letting that fact be known. Cheers Michele!!

JB: Hey there, JB. I'll be by to check it out. If not this morning, when I get home from work tonight. Take care hot stuff. Cheers JB!!

Micky-T said...

Groundhog is an East Tennessee staple. I got me one out the back window that I can pop the next time we have some worthy company!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Ha. If people in Bagwine wanted to, they could have groundhog every night. They're all over the place here. Cheers Mick!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

I gotta agree with Scott... White Castle "brugers" should not be consumed by humans.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I'm hungry...

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Hey now...I love em. We may not agree on White Castle but we do agree on Culver's...Mmmmm Culvers. Cheers D!!

Phfrankie: As you should be. Is that a mouth watering looking woodchuck pot pie or what? Looks like something Jeremiah Johnson would have made. Cheers!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...yessir, I could tear into that there woodchuck pie, and wash it down with a heapin' mug o' moose broth!...

Angell said...

Thanks Matt. Thanks a lot.

Now I want White Castle. But alas, there are none to be found in this god-forsaken country.


*inner 12 year old coming out * he he he – he said knob.

Bond said...

Scott and Lady are off my christmas card list...anyone who disses White castle does not know of what they speak...

hell the other day I was on their website trying to find out the closest White Castle and it is 300 miles away...

The frozen ones in the grocery store are not worth buying..you need them hot off the griddle with the tasty onions and cheese...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: And big slice o' hardtack. Cheers P-Man!!

Angell: Just thinking about it, I may have to get some for my B-Day this weekend. Cheers Angell!!

Bond: Man, that's sad. I have one a mere ten minutes away. Wish I could help. Cheers Vin!!

Anonymous said...

"We have canine teeth like dogs."

Um, there are herbivores that have canine teeth too. We're mammals, and thus heterodonts.

Your canine teeth are also measly compared to... you know, REAL carnivores. To think they were made for shredding meat is downright ignorant.

I am not siding with PETA, but learn your biology before you say something stupid.

TJ said...

That groundhog lives better than most of us, as do many of the animals PETA wants to liberate.

Anyone that has ever read the Bible can read that we were meant to eat meat, or research archaeology and anthropology, I cannot remember any vegan civilizations... I could be wrong, but none are coming to mind. And I'm a former vegetarian, but I love my prime rib too much for that anymore.

Bond said...

You know...Fed Ex next day...you know

Four Dinners said...

Now if 'Gobblers Knob' means remotely the same over there as it does in England then I am...for the first time in 52 years...speechless.

Matt-Man said...

Anonymous: Really? The things one learns...for instance...

You see, mentioning our teeth and that of cats and dogs helped to set up the line about Chef Michael's Pet food line. It's kind of like comedic foreshadowing. It wasn't intended to be a lesson in biology, a subject in which I am actually quite well-versed.

Now, maybe you've learned something prior to you saying something stupid...again. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

TJ: I was going to mention meat eating from a biblical viewpoint as well, but I was getting windy. Thanks for the comment and here's to prime rib. Cheers TJ!!

Bond: Yeah...sliders should travel real well. Cheers Vinny!!

Four: Ha...even if it is similar, I cannot picture you EVER being speechless. Cheers FD!!

Ena said...

Apparently, the closest White Castle to Phoenix, AZ is Wentzville, MO. Who knew?

David said...

I think the whole groundhog day shtick is silly and would gladly learn that the "official" was dispensed...however, dude, I'm going to pass on the groundhog shepards pie thang.

Who the hell really cares if a rodent does or does not see a shadow on any given day? That is just stupid.

People go effing nuts when they become PETA members. What's that all about anyway?

Not that I really give a sh!t one way or another.

Cheers Matt-man for another inspiring post.

MysteryChick said...

Too funny Matt-Man.

Tonight on the train I saw a sign, it was a picture of a kitten and a chick and the caption was "Why pet one and eat the other?". My thought was "Well kittens are cute and chickens taste better".

I hate PETA and any other group who tries to tell me what to wear or eat, who to love and whether or not I have the right to an abortion.

I'm an American and I can pretty much do whatever the fuck I want (within reason of course)!

Matt-Man said...

Ena: Damn...That's quite a ways away. It would still. be worth it. Make sure to get onion chips with your sliders. Cheers Rat!!

David: Of course it's silly, but not as silly as PETA's out pouring of emotion over it. Cheers David!!

Mystery: And your thought about the caption was dead-ass on. Feel free to live your life dammit. I'll join ya. Cheers Chick!!