Monday, March 01, 2010

Horoscopes for March 2010

I opened a fifth of Wild Irish Rose, drank it and then stared into the abyss of the empty bottle so I could once again conjure up the power of the Bagwine and impart to you what the stars won't tell you.

Your Bagwine Whore-O-Scope for March 2010


Aries March 21-April 19

It’s understandable that you don’t want to acknowledge the albatross around your neck, but could you at least give it a bath and put a muzzle on it? It smells like death and won’t shut the fuck up.

Taurus April 20-May 20

In spite of what you think, switching from smoking cigarettes and drinking booze to shooting heroin will NOT “improve your health and add years to your life.”

Gemini May 21-June 20

You finally realize your dream of being chosen to be the subject of a reality TV show, however, the show, Dinner, a Movie, and Anal Sex with Bob Barker wasn’t really what you had in mind.

Cancer June 21-July 22

Two weeks into your successful public campaign railing against preservatives and processed foods, Chef Boyardee, Mrs. Paul, and Oscar Mayer show up at your house and bludgeon you to death with a can of Beefaroni, a box of fish sticks, and a package of “All Beef” hot dogs.

Leo July 23-August 22

Incorporating food into your romantic bedroom activities can add spice and thrill to your love life, but covering your entire body with cottage cheese prior to sex is just downright creepy.

Virgo August 23-September 22

No matter what people say or how much they snicker…You find wearing a basket full of lima beans on your head while sporting a tunic made of potato peels to be a very smart look.

Libra September 23-October 22

While lying in a hospital bed with two broken legs and a fractured back you come to the realization that the latest recall by Toyota was more than a corporate attempt to “waste your time” and “mess with your mind.”

Scorpio October 23-November 21

The elation you feel upon hearing that a popular local eatery has named their newest dish in honor of you soon turns to anger when you discover that new dish is called, “Jamaican-What a Fucking Jerk-Chicken.”

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

Winning an 86 Million dollar lottery jackpot is great news, except when it’s won by that piece of shit next door neighbor of yours who’s been banging your spouse.

Capricorn December 22-January 19

You’re never one to wear your seatbelt which makes it all the more amazing that after you drive off the road and get ejected from your car, you survive. Well, until the angry pack of groundhogs that you awakened, eats you where you lay.

Aquarius January 20-February 18

The splitting headache you awake with on March 18th has less to do with the five gallons of Guinness that you drank at the St. Paddy’s Day blowout the night before, and more to do with the fact that for some unknown reason, you woke up with the business end of a rusty crowbar buried in your skull.

Pisces February 19-March 20

Finally losing your virginity after all these long years is a big deal to you and those who know you, but you losing it to a 14 year old is a much bigger deal to the judicial system.

Enjoy your March and your Monday, folks...

I'm going into work early today and I'll be gone most of the day, so you kids behave yourselves in my absence.

Cheers!!

27 comments:

3 Men and a Lady said...

I'll be sure to avoid taking cottage cheese into the bedroom.

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Oh I don't know...It depends on whether it's large curd or small. Cheers D!!

Irene said...

Matt I hate lima beans!

Matt-Man said...

Irene: Alot of people I know do too. I loooove em. Cheers and enjoy sportin' the eclectic look, Irene. Cheers!!

bobbybegood1 said...

Oh, Matty, you know me all too well. Do ya have any ideas on a substitute? Oxycodone? Morphine? Methadone? Hahaha. Cheers Bud!!

MysteryChick said...

Phew, at least they named the chicken after me and not the fish taco!

Matt-Man said...

Bobby: Dilaudid. Had it in the hospital back in October. Greatest shit on earth. Cheers Michelle!!

Matt-Man said...

Mystery: Ha. Good One. Enjoy your toys. ; ) Cheers Chick!!

The Covert Lover said...

A rusty crowbar? Wow, I didn't think my crazy little sister would ever get THAT brave!
Well, I'm off to buy a handgun.

Have a great Monday and um - you should probably be extra nice to Schmoop until the 18th passes.

Matt-Man said...

Covert: I guess you're right, Covert. You and I are obviously in this boat of murder, mayhem, and crowbars together. Cheers Lover!!

Jay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jay said...

She told me she was 18. I swear. People don't lie on the internet!

Desert Rat said...

Luckily, my Toyota is 16 years old - hee hee! I don't think I could GIVE it back to them!

Mike said...

When the post came up the picture was missing. I hit the show picture option. I not going to do that again.

Scott Oglesby said...

My wife is a Cancer, and you’re right ‘they’ did come, and they ain’t getting back out of this house. I called a couple a hard (well not really), pipe hittin (until they get tired after 3 or 4 blows), obese (clinically), white people (very) to go to work with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. I’ma get medieval on their ass.

My horoscope sucked. I want a new one. At least gimme a lucky number or something…

Four Dinners said...

As I'm Capricorn (just - 22nd Dec) it's weird you mention seat belts and such as I'm on the way to qualifying as a driving instructor. Downright spooky!

I'm safe though. We don't have Groundhogs over here.

I suppose there might be the odd psycho hedgehog.....

Dianne said...

I'm a Sagittarian so I'm off to bang all my neighbors and their spouses
ya gotta be in it to win it

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I believe ya but I don't think Judge Smales nor the Arkansas penal system is gonna believe ya. Cheers Jay!!

Rat: Okay you just go ahead and tempt fate, missy. You've been warned. Cheers Rat!!

Mike: Ha. Are you saying that a close up of my mug sent you into seizures? Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: I like your spirit of fighting back But as for your 'scope. I can't change it; I divine through the wine. Cheers Scott!!

Four: Ha. Perhaps my prophecies don't cross the Atlantic and you'll be safe....but I doubt it. Cheers FD!!

Dianne: Ha. That's the spirit. Your hotness is about to come in handy. Cheers Di!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...it may LOOK like cottage cheese all over but there's marscapone covering the best parts!...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha. You are such a sexual artiste'. Cheers P-Man!!

bobbybegood1 said...

Hey Scott, #9 -- That's one of my fave quotes, well movies, of all times. Ving -- "I'm a damn site from alright, Butch." Cheers!!

DutchBitch said...

Damn! Who told you about the 14 yr old!?

David said...

As a Leo, I feel compelled to inform you that the foods I use in the bedroom are always vegetables. Giant carrots and big cucumbers seem to be very popular with my companions for some odd reason. Eggplants and russet potatoes, not so much.

Cottage cheese is just too messy and sticky - at least that is what google told me.

Matt-Man said...

Bobbie: I kicked the ass of a guy named Butch once. Just sayin'. Cheers Michelle!!

Dutch: The wine never lies to me. I see many things when it speaks. Cheers DB!!

David: I have always been partial to Bangers and Mash when having sex. Cheers David!!

Lu' said...

Being a Gemini there are two of me and neither of us wants to take it up the ass from Bob ha!

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Ha I was waiting for a Gemini to comment. I hope the price was right. Cheers Lu!!