I opened a fifth of Wild Irish Rose, drank it and then stared into the abyss of the empty bottle so I could once again conjure up the power of the Bagwine and impart to you what the stars won't tell you.
Your Bagwine Whore-O-Scope for March 2010
Aries March 21-April 19
It’s understandable that you don’t want to acknowledge the albatross around your neck, but could you at least give it a bath and put a muzzle on it? It smells like death and won’t shut the fuck up.
Taurus April 20-May 20
In spite of what you think, switching from smoking cigarettes and drinking booze to shooting heroin will NOT “improve your health and add years to your life.”
Gemini May 21-June 20
You finally realize your dream of being chosen to be the subject of a reality TV show, however, the show, Dinner, a Movie, and Anal Sex with Bob Barker wasn’t really what you had in mind.
Cancer June 21-July 22
Two weeks into your successful public campaign railing against preservatives and processed foods, Chef Boyardee, Mrs. Paul, and Oscar Mayer show up at your house and bludgeon you to death with a can of Beefaroni, a box of fish sticks, and a package of “All Beef” hot dogs.
Leo July 23-August 22
Incorporating food into your romantic bedroom activities can add spice and thrill to your love life, but covering your entire body with cottage cheese prior to sex is just downright creepy.
Virgo August 23-September 22
No matter what people say or how much they snicker…You find wearing a basket full of lima beans on your head while sporting a tunic made of potato peels to be a very smart look.
Libra September 23-October 22
While lying in a hospital bed with two broken legs and a fractured back you come to the realization that the latest recall by Toyota was more than a corporate attempt to “waste your time” and “mess with your mind.”
Scorpio October 23-November 21
The elation you feel upon hearing that a popular local eatery has named their newest dish in honor of you soon turns to anger when you discover that new dish is called, “Jamaican-What a Fucking Jerk-Chicken.”
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
Winning an 86 Million dollar lottery jackpot is great news, except when it’s won by that piece of shit next door neighbor of yours who’s been banging your spouse.
Capricorn December 22-January 19
You’re never one to wear your seatbelt which makes it all the more amazing that after you drive off the road and get ejected from your car, you survive. Well, until the angry pack of groundhogs that you awakened, eats you where you lay.
Aquarius January 20-February 18
The splitting headache you awake with on March 18th has less to do with the five gallons of Guinness that you drank at the St. Paddy’s Day blowout the night before, and more to do with the fact that for some unknown reason, you woke up with the business end of a rusty crowbar buried in your skull.
Pisces February 19-March 20
Finally losing your virginity after all these long years is a big deal to you and those who know you, but you losing it to a 14 year old is a much bigger deal to the judicial system.
Enjoy your March and your Monday, folks...
I'm going into work early today and I'll be gone most of the day, so you kids behave yourselves in my absence.