PETA and Punxsutawney Phil...A Delicious Combination

Today is Groundhog Day and of course many of you who follow the news know that the PETA organization is acting like a horse’s ass once again.

They are clamoring for the retirement of Punxsutawney Phil on grounds that the world’s most famous Marmota monax is treated inhumanely and once a year is subjugated to the role of leading man in a cruel and twisted media circus.

PETA would like to see Punxsutawney Phil taken to a sanctuary and replaced by an animatronic, wired-up woodchuck.

I have but two words to say about that…

Fuck PETA.

PETA says that Phil is being treated “inhumanely”. Well, there’s a reason for that…He’s not a frickin’ human. He’s a big rodent…a whistle-pig…a source for our amusement.

PETA would of course say, “Animals are not placed on this Earth for our amusement!!”

Yes…Yes, they are. On top of that, they are placed here not only for our amusement, but because they’re Goddamn tasty as well.

Humans, in addition to fruits and vegetables, are designed to eat MEAT. We have incisors like cats. We have canine teeth like dogs. Do dogs and cats eat meat? Unless they’re being fed that gay ass Chef Michael crap by Purina, you’re damn right they do.

In addition to the evolution of our teeth, we have digestive systems built not only for lima beans and soy products, but for MEAT!!

I know that I personally, can consume a suitcase full of White Castle Hamburgers on Friday night, and count on my colon to blow out the digested remains in time for me to hit the Breakfast Buffet at Big Boy by 8 A.M. Saturday morning.

And what will I eat at the breakfast buffet? Delicious animal products such as bacon, sausage, eggs, and if I could, the deleterious brain of a PETA member…and if you don’t mind, over easy with some hollandaise sauce, m'kay?

Listen…Punxsutawney Phil lives the life of luxury, and by God, Groundhog Day is an American tradition that dates back over 100 years.

In addition to that, Groundhog Day gives old guys in Pennsylvania the chance to act like goofs…it was the inspiration for one of the greatest movies ever made, and...

It affords me and my inner 12 year old the opportunity to laugh when we say, “Gobbler’s Knob”.

However, if PETA wants to make a deal, I got one. We can retire Punxsutawney Phil after his schtick, but…

He’s not going to be sent to the Groundhog retirement home. Noooooo. He’s going straight to the dinner table, and this is exactly how…

Groundhog Pie
1 groundhog skinned and cleaned
1/4 cup onion
1/4 cup green pepper
1/2 tablespoon minced parsley
1 tablespoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
4 1/2 tablespoon flour
3 cups broth

Biscuits:
1 cup flour
2 tablespoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoon fat
1/4 cup milk

Cut groundhog into large pieces.

Parboil for 1 hour.

Remove meat from bones in large pieces, and then dice. Add onion, green pepper, parsley, salt, pepper, and flour to the broth and stir until it thickens.

If the broth does not measure 3 cups, add water.

Add the meat to the broth mixture and stir thoroughly.

Pour into baking dish.

For biscuits:

Sift flour, baking powder, and salt together. Cut in the fat and add the liquid. Stir until the dry ingredients are moist.

Roll only enough to make it fit the dish.

Place dough on top of meat, put in a hot oven (400 degrees F.) and bake 30 to 40 minutes or until dough is browned.

Happy Groundhog Day, all. Enjoy your pie with a PETA member you love.

Cheers!!

Screw Ground Beef...I Want Ground Hog!!

Today, groundhogs, also known as woodchucks, will be predicting how long it will be until the verdant and vernal times are upon us.

Their mastery to see or not see their shadows and ergo, forecast Spring’s arrival is legendary.

These rabies carrying, flea infested, funk factories will today, speak for Mother Nature.

God has bestowed upon them the ability to prognosticate on a level far surpassing that of us mere mortals.

And yet, we humans, more specifically, effeminate, shriveled up old white men, dressed like top hat wearing aberrations of Gay Talese, exploit them.

Today, the most famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, will be man-handled and paraded about like some freak of nature for the bemusement of those gathered on Gobblers Knob today.


It’s just plain creepy to me.

Not just the distasteful treatment of poor Punxy Phil...

But more so, that there is a group of grown, less than manly men fondling a rodent and each other at a place called Gobblers Knob.

The name alone, Gobblers Knob, suggests the title of a Thanksgiving themed gay, bestiality porn flick.

Seriously, one day a year is not recognition enough for these Nostradamuses of Nature. Any and every day should be devoted to the groundhog.

How can you and I make that happen? Simple…

We eat them.

And I have a special recipe for you all. It’s called Groundhog Pie, and it’s Yum-Oh!!

First you need a groundhog…Of course you can’t just go buy one. You have to kill one. Like in this picture below.


Oooooh, he’s a big meaty fellow. And, you can tell by his wound, that bungee sticks are very effective on groundhog termination.

Once you have harvested your meaty Marmota monax, follow these simple culinary steps…

Groundhog Pie

1 groundhog skinned and cleaned
1/4 cup onion
1/4 cup green pepper
1/2 tablespoon minced parsley
1 tablespoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
4 1/2 tablespoon flour
3 cups broth

Biscuits:

1 cup flour
2 tablespoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoon fat
1/4 cup milk

Cut groundhog into large pieces.

Parboil for 1 hour.

Remove meat from bones in large pieces, and then dice. Add onion, green pepper, parsley, salt, pepper, and flour to the broth and stir until it thickens.

If the broth does not measure 3 cups, add water.

Add the meat to the broth mixture and stir thoroughly.

Pour into baking dish.

For biscuits:

Sift flour, baking powder, and salt together. Cut in the fat and add the liquid. Stir until the dry ingredients are moist.

Roll only enough to make it fit the dish.

Place dough on top of meat, put in a hot oven (400 degrees F.) and bake 30 to 40 minutes or until dough is browned.


Tell me that doesn’t look Dee-Lish!!

Damn right it does. And with this recipe, any day can be Groundhog Day.

Here’s to an early Spring, and more importantly, here’s to putting the groundhog where he belongs…

In the center of your dinner table.

Cheers!!