Sunday, February 21, 2010

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Benny Hinn Divorce!!

It’s going to be a gray, wet Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today. The rain will put a damper on my 11-7 shift at the Beer Mine.

But, even if the sun were to be shining today, my heart would still be as cold and damp as the February weather in which I will be working.

Some of you may have heard the sad news already. It was announced Friday that Bagwine’s favorite criminal Charismatic preacher Benny Hinn, is being sued for divorce.

After more than 30 years of marriage, Hinn’s wife, Suzanne Hinn has filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences. What a bitch.

How the hell can she walk away from him? If Suzanne Hinn is turning her back on Benny, she is turning her back on God himself. Praise Jeebus!!

His ecumenical and philosophical genius has moved me over the years. Moved me to tears of laughter, and moved me closer to the Lord.

Here are but a few of my favorite quotes that Benny Hinn has over time imparted to me and upon my funny bone soul.

“I’d be a fool to be in this for the money.”

“I saw Jesus walk into my bedroom.”

“No, I’m not wealthy.”

“I walk in the realm of the Supernatural.”

“I see rows of caskets lining up in front of this TV set... and I see actual loved ones picking up the hands of the dead and letting them touch the screen and people are getting raised.”

And my favorite…

“Where in the Bible does it say I have to drive a Honda?”

Amen Brother Benny, A-Fucking-Men!!

I shall pray for you through your time of personal tribulation. I shall ask God to heal your heart and to send Suzanne down to the fiery pits of Hell.

Much like Christ himself, you have been betrayed…betrayed by a Babylonian harlot.

Let this whore and spitter in the face of God make her exodus so that you may begin your genesis, and become even more powerful than the supernatural being that you are.

In Jeebus’ name I pray.

Have a wonderful Sunday all. If you need some beer or smokes, come look me up, and I’ll hook you up.



Desert Rat said...

And all I could think was, "that comb-over isn't half bad."

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Not bad? Are you drunk again? Cheers Rat!!

Jay said...

I don't know why she's bothering to divorce him. It's not like she's going to get some big monthly alimony payment. Not with his vow of poverty that he took when he got into preaching the good word.

knowledge is power said...

GOOD. Let him lose millions of dollars. He's a wolf in sheepskin clothing.

Scott Oglesby said...

You gotta watch those Babylonian harlots, they’ll screw you ever time.

When did Benny Hinn find Jeebas? Last I knew he was an older redneck with an awful show about banjos and cowgirls with Daisy Duke’s and cleavage. And I thought he was dead? What the hell is going on over there since I left?

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Yeah...They will both end up destitute and homeless. Sad...very sad. Cheers Jay!!

Knowledge: Damn right...Matthew 7:15. Cheers Knowledge!!

Scott: Ha. It's a mess since ya left. As for Benny... evidently he found Jeebus when Jeebus walked into his bedroom. Cheers Scott

Four Dinners said...

If Jesus walked into my bedroom he'd need a bleedin' miracle to survive the ensuing cat attack. Don't like strangers my moggies.

Matt-Man said...

Four: If Jeebus walked into my bedroom, he'd try to have his way with Schmoop. The Messiah finds her incredibly hot. And I hate him for it...He's such a sven-jolly. Cheers FD!!

Mike said...

When I saw the picture I thought this was going to be a tribute to Donald Trump.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: They're worth about the same amount. Cheers Mike!!

David said...

Suzanne has her own special way of getting close to Jeebus.

I just keep wondering if she is offering this instead of taking communion.

Matt-Man said...

David: Praise Jeebus and pass the hi calonic. Cheers David!!

Viagra Online said...

My question is, what kind of differences there may be between Benny and his wife? In a marriage whose main protagonist are christian celebrities what could be going wrong?