Monday, February 22, 2010

I Like Mascots And Donuts, But Gloria Allred Is A Khunt

I usually reserve my more hodgepodgical posts for Hump Day as I am a fan of alliteration but I shall break tradition and parlay some various thoughts and bon mots upon you today instead.

I guess we shall consider today, Mélange Monday. Mmmkay?

Some of you may know that my son Ryno plays on his High School Junior Varsity Basketball team.


He is one of the two starting forwards and will end up as their leading rebounder this year when the season comes to an end after tonight‘s game.

However…Ryno pulled double duty during this year’s season.

During home games this year, after Ryan was finished toiling and sweating on the court with his JV teammates he would don his school’s lion mascot suit and perform as the mascot for the varsity games.

Damn right…Ryan the Lion. He digs it. And why is that? He explains as follows…

“Dad, when you’re wearing the mascot suit, you can get away with almost anything. Especially with the chicks.”

Here’s to Ryno…He is definitely his father’s son, although his ego may even be bigger than mine. It’s a toss-up at this point.

Schmoop went to the grocery this past Thursday. She was very kind and bought things I could eat without breaking my Lenten promise to eat no bread. She even knew that, oddly, I have had a sweet tooth of late.

So, what did she buy for me to feed this rare occurrence? Donuts!! Donuts, folks!! Hello…Deep fried what? That’s right…Deep Fried Bread!! Jeebus, Mary, and Joseph, people.

She says that it was an assident. Uh-Huh…She’s the fucking devil trying to tempt me. If she didn’t have such nice tits, and an impeccable hoo-ha, I’d exorcise her right out of my life.


But it’s okay…I have a defense.

I have set up the cabinet in which the donuts sit in a way that will prevent me from eating them…

Damn right, Bitches…Dashboard Jeebus will guard against me slacking from my commitment.

Oh I just had an extemporaneous thought…Is there a bigger fricking whore in world than Gloria Allred? I don’t fucking think so. God, she’s a khunt.

I am not a big celebrant of Birthdays but today is one very special Birthday…um…day. A great American who is responsible in great part for who we United Staters are today.

No, not George Washington. Washington was gay. Hell, George and Bend-a-Dick Arnold use to go down on each other behind the stables before Arnold cheated on him with Major Andre and was deemed a traitor.

No folks…I am talking about one Scott Oglesby who authors the very funny, Zodi’s Blog. Ol’ Scotty turns 37 today.

Scott no longer lives in the States; he lives in Spain. But I won’t hold that against him. I just figure he wanted to move to a country where it was socially acceptable to bathe in olive oil and take a nap six times a day.

Anyhoo…Happy Birthday to Scott. I even gave a present to Scott without his knowledge..

Last night, I had hot, sweaty, monkey sex with the Donut-Buying Devil that is Schmoop , and I had her call me “Scott” the entire time.

I hope you could feel it last night Scott. It’s the least I could do for you, and on top of that?

I figure now since I did that for you, the next time I have sex with Schmoop she’ll let me call her, "Tyra."

Cheers!!

30 comments:

3 Men and a Lady said...

LMAO about the donuts!!!

That's funny the your son wants to be the mascot for the free pass on hitting on chicks. The apple didn't fall far, did it?

Happy Birthday, Scott! Let's get him on twitter with us.

Lu' said...

I'll email you my address to take the dreaded doughnuts off you hands for you. Hey anything fo rthe cause :)


Q: what system are you running on, computer wise?

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Hell know...I'm going to start calling him "Acorn". And yeah the donut thing? I think she really was momentarily clueless. I think... Cheers D!!

Lu: She gave some to her brother and will finish the rest off herself. I run Vista and use IE 8. And why do you ask Lu? Cheers Pal!!

Jay said...

“Dad, when you’re wearing the mascot suit, you can get away with almost anything. Especially with the chicks.”

That's awesome. You know, some schools actually give scholarships to their mascots. That might be a way for him to go to Stanford or Notre Dame. ;-)

Good thing you got Jesus protecting the donuts. I know they're safe from you now.

Jay said...

Oh and Gloria Allred .. ugh! I can't stand her. But, if I was a woman and needed a lawyer, I'd call her.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I told Ryno that they give scholarships for that. He loves his roundball but as a mascot, he's a crowd favorite. And ugh...

Allred is THE WORST. My skin crawls when I see her and my head assplodes when I listen to her. She's a litigious whore. Cheers Jay!!

David said...

Good ole Gloria is as efficient at showing up when cameras are running as Jesse Jackson ever was. Can we spell media whore?

Matt-Man said...

David: Oh no doubt. I just saw her on TV and she is demanding that Tiger apologize to the porn star client of hers. Hell she doesn't want an apology, she wants a damn payday. She's oily. Cheers David!!

bobbybegood1 said...

I agree with Lady. I don't think Schmoop meant any harm Hmmmm? But, the story is funny as hell. Ha. I think it's great that your son is the school's mascot!! I don't think he needs the suit, though, to be a chick magnet. He's cute like his old man. Who the hell is Gloria Allred? To whom is does she counsel? Cheers Matt!!

Matt-Man said...

Bobby: Accident huh? I'm thinking she's conspiring with Satan. And Ryno? Yeah, he's a chick magnet...much to my chagrin. Gloria Allred who is an attorney who needs to burn in hell for all eternity. Cheers Michelle!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I’m honored Matt-Man, this was so nice! We don’t take 6 naps a day over here though, only one nap….from 2 until 5 or 6, nothing more. And I don’t bath in Olive oil, I have 4 Spanish debutants softly massage it into my skin while another washes my hair and the last feeds me grapes. Dude, you really do have to visit…..

That’s insane; I had the craziest dreams last night and woke up around 4 or 5am. I forget what they were about now, but I can surely guess based on my …um…condition.

Thanks buddy, you got me the best present EVER!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Anytime. And man, you've got it made over there. Do those chicks sprinkle you in saffron as well?

Well I am glad that you woke up with wood and/or the messy remains of wood. What better way to kick off your birthday? Have a wunnerful day, Scott. Happy Birthday and Cheers!!

Doc said...

My high school mascot was the Lion too... GO Ryno!

Dana said...

Didn't Schmoop but a prime rib last year and claim it was an assident too? Yeah ... she's got your number *wink*

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Oh it gets better with Ryno...More on that tomorrow. Cheers Doc and Go Lions!!

Dana: I think you're right. Y'know, I'm starting to wonder about her. One thing I am certain of...She puts the "hate" in the love/hate relationship. Cheers Dana!!

Micky-T said...

I've come to realise that 80% of these people you mention I have no fricken clue as to who they are, and I like that!
Good for Ryno. Make sure he clips his claws.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Ha. Indeed. You're better off Mick. Allred's a jerk of the nth degree. Cheers MIck!!

Dianne said...

Ryno rocks!!
that kid has a bright future

I would never have thought of donuts as bread, Schmoop is an innocent sweet girl who only wants to make you happy

Happy Birthday Scott!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ha. Thanks for the Ryno comment but as for the Schmoop thing? You are full of shit. You women are thicker than thieves. Cheers Sexy!!

Lu' said...

If I told you why that would wreck the surprise my friend :)

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...donuts, lawyers, lions and hoo-ha's...donuts, lawyers, lions and hoo-ha's...

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Well we wouldn't want that now would we? Cheers Buddy!!

Phfrankie: Ha...I was trying to go along those lines in the title but couldn't make it work. Cheers P-Man!!

Mike said...

"a fan of alliteration"

I've never heard of that group before. Are they new? Let me know if they'll be playing in St. Louis soon!!!!

Four Dinners said...

I would be so proud to have a son like Ryan. So so proud. He is a star of the highest order.

I adore donuts (doughnuts over here) but, as a worshipper at the feet of our Lord Homer that's not really a surprise is it?..;-)

Micky-T said...

I guess with only one sentence about lent we won't give this a full count.

Your still on #9

metalmom said...

If she didn’t have such nice tits, and an impeccable hoo-ha, I’d exorcise her right out of my life

That right there made me blow milk outta my nose! I hope I don't end up with a cheesy smell! yuck!

Does Ryno have to keep his identity as the mascot a secret? At Holly's HS, as soon as the mascot's identity is known, they have to find a new one. It's VERY cool for Ryan though!

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Alliteration will be in St. Louis Septemeber Sixth at Seven. Cheers Mike!!

Four: Ha...You are a funny, funny man. Cheers FD!!

Micky: Ha...There won't be one tomorrow either. I'm doing a bigoraphy of a new "friend" I made via a nasty email today. Should be top notch. Cheers Mick!!

Matt-Man said...

Metal: Ha. I apologize for the mess Metal, and no...It need not be a secret. He really enjoys it too. Cheers Metal!!

MysteryChick said...

Wow, it's like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden all over again. Only with donuts.

Matt-Man said...

Mystery: Ha. Well said. Cheers Chick!!