Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Benny Hinn Divorce!!

It’s going to be a gray, wet Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today. The rain will put a damper on my 11-7 shift at the Beer Mine.

But, even if the sun were to be shining today, my heart would still be as cold and damp as the February weather in which I will be working.

Some of you may have heard the sad news already. It was announced Friday that Bagwine’s favorite criminal Charismatic preacher Benny Hinn, is being sued for divorce.

After more than 30 years of marriage, Hinn’s wife, Suzanne Hinn has filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences. What a bitch.

How the hell can she walk away from him? If Suzanne Hinn is turning her back on Benny, she is turning her back on God himself. Praise Jeebus!!

His ecumenical and philosophical genius has moved me over the years. Moved me to tears of laughter, and moved me closer to the Lord.

Here are but a few of my favorite quotes that Benny Hinn has over time imparted to me and upon my funny bone soul.

“I’d be a fool to be in this for the money.”

“I saw Jesus walk into my bedroom.”

“No, I’m not wealthy.”

“I walk in the realm of the Supernatural.”

“I see rows of caskets lining up in front of this TV set... and I see actual loved ones picking up the hands of the dead and letting them touch the screen and people are getting raised.”

And my favorite…

“Where in the Bible does it say I have to drive a Honda?”

Amen Brother Benny, A-Fucking-Men!!

I shall pray for you through your time of personal tribulation. I shall ask God to heal your heart and to send Suzanne down to the fiery pits of Hell.

Much like Christ himself, you have been betrayed…betrayed by a Babylonian harlot.

Let this whore and spitter in the face of God make her exodus so that you may begin your genesis, and become even more powerful than the supernatural being that you are.

In Jeebus’ name I pray.

Have a wonderful Sunday all. If you need some beer or smokes, come look me up, and I’ll hook you up.

Cheers!!