Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Can't We All Just Get Along...And Quickly?

It has been warm here in Bagwine of late, which means the last two days at the Beer Mine, especially Tuesday night, have been damn busy.

It’s great to have oodles of business, but it was quite evident that many people who are just now coming out of hibernation have forgotten the rules of the Beer Mine. So…

I thought this would be a perfect time to re-visit the rules in order to make your trip through the Beer Mine speedy and enjoyable for yourself, the staff, and the customers in the cars behind you. M’kay?

First off, an easy one. Drive-By Mikey’s Golden Rule: No complaining…especially about the prices. If you complain about our prices, you will be told, “Well, Speedway’s down the street.”

If you have three kids with you DO NOT wait until you pull in to ask, “What do you want kids?”

If you do this, you will forever be hated not only by us but the other customers waiting patiently. If the kids don’t know, make their damn minds up for them. Quit spoiling the rotten little shits.

Another good way to speed things up for everyone, is to know if you have money PRIOR to pulling in and ordering.

Call me crazy, but when I go to buy something, I usually know if I have money on me. Just sayin’.

This leads to a related rule…Know where your goddamn money is. Don’t order and wait until I get back with everything to stick your sweaty hand into a purse the size of a hefty bag looking for your money. Have it at the ready.

And please…if your order comes to, oh let’s say…$15.34? Don’t hand me a 20 and then say, “Hold on, I think I have 34 cents in here. It’ll help you out.”


It doesn’t help me out; the time you take to root around for cum stained pennies pisses me off. And those behind you even more so.

Oh by the way…DO NOT wait until we gather up all of your shit, ring it up, and then bring it to you to ask, “You take debit and/or credit cards right?” We don’t. You might want to ask that when you first pull in, Einstein.

Knowing EXACTLY what you want helps too. If you tell me that you want a pack of Marlboro Menthols and I bring them to you and then you ask, “Do you have these in 100’s?”, my answer will of course be, “no.” While I am pretty fucking amazing, I’m not Kreskin.

DO NOT ask us, “What kind of pop do you have?”

We only have a few pop coolers and they are quite visible so just look around quickly sport. Unless of course you are a blind fucker, which leads me to the next rule…

If you are blind, you shouldn’t be driving and going through the Beer Mine.

I may enjoy you as a customer, but really…when there is a line of cars behind you, I do not have time to hear how your wife left you, how you got VD from your dog, or the smell of your weepy abscess. Get your beer and move along.

If we ask you for your ID, and you say, “Well, how old do you think I am?” Know this…We really don’t fucking care, as long as you are old enough to buy smokes and/or alcohol.

If you want us to go outside during a thunderstorm to get you a bag of ice, we will say, “I’m sorry; we’re out.”

And lastly (for now) if I scan something and it doesn’t ring up the first time, I don’t want to hear for the 10,000th time:

“Hee Hee…If it didn’t scan the first time it’s free.” If that happens and you say that, it’s not only not free, the price just went up 100% and I will pee all over your tires.

I hope that these guidelines can help us all have a more enjoyable upcoming summer at the Beer Mine.

The owner and staff of the Beer Mine appreciate your attention.

Cheers!!

21 comments:

Dana said...

Ha! These really should be PROMINENTLY posted in at least two places ... EXACTLY as written!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ha...No Doubt...And since it was getting long, I didn't have room to address the damn cell phone issue. Oy Vay, that's a REAL pisser. Cheers Dana!!

Jay said...

Maybe you could laminated these rules and hand them out to all the customers?

Also, no debit or credit cards? It's a cash only operation? Who owns that place, the Mafia?? haha ;-)

Mrs. D said...

Love it! Perhaps you could paint these on the entrance wall for incoming customers.

Michele said...

Nice rules. You need a male Beer Mine dog. They can pee on every single tire and still never run out.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: No, just Mike owns it, but it doesn't make sense to use debit/credit cards. We're all about speed and the cards add cost on every transaction. Why raise the prices? Cheers Jay!!

D: We could do that but they wouldn't see the rules because they'd be TOO BUSY TALKING ON THEIR CELL PHONES. Maybe we should hand them out as Jay suggested. Cheers D!!

Matt-Man said...

Michele: No need...Ask anyone I work with; I drink gallons of water while I work. Cheers Michele!!

Scott Oglesby said...

Well it seems that we are on the same wavelength yet again. I’m putting out- ha... I’m putting out, a customer service post sometime this week as well.

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Well you are in exclusive company...okay maybe not exclusive but rather disturbing company because my thought waves cross paths with Jay often. We could become the new Axis of Evil. Cheers Scott!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...quit hasseling me with all you RULES, man...I mean, like, mellow out...don't be so uptight, my brother...chill, dude...take a Xanax...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Hey even Kramer follows rules. Just like when he jumped all over Steve Geddison for cleaning his ball on the fairway. And I have one other rule for some patrons. Once in awhile, bathing would be nice. Cheers P-Man!!

Dianne said...

if someone does any of those things - plus the fucking cell phone crap I think you should be allowed to punch them in the face

have a great day :)

oh - youse guys are cute

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: None of us are violent unless threatened; we're more of a make fun of ya sarcastic lot. We do like to laugh.

And thanks...Cheers Sexy!!

Lu' said...

is it OK if I drive in just to ask for directions? Has anyone ever done that where you work?

Marilyn said...

Where I come from you have to actually get out of your car to buy booze. You offer a great public service.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Ha, yes it is okay, and yes it has happened. I don't mind. Being lost is different than being stupid. Cheers Lu!!

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: We try. But ya can't buy liquor in a drive thru in Ohio. You have to go to a licensed store for that. And...I just had a thought. I'm a gonna email you some time today about something. Cheers Marilyn!!

bobbybegood1 said...

What can I say? But, totally AWESOME!! I wholeheartedly AGREE with ya. Some people are just mindless screwups, who don't fucking think with the Devil given brains they were born with. Cheers Matt!!

Matt-Man said...

Bobby: The are typically in their own world not realizing that there are a slew of people behind them. And, they don't care, but I have to so I don't have to hear about it from the others. Cheers Michelle!!

The Covert Lover said...

I cannot beleive I didn't realize until this picture that you work in a literal "drive-thru beer barn!" Ha! I have one of those 2 miles from my house! :)

But cash only? Psh!!! I have to defend those people, because seriously it IS 2010 - why the hell would you think to ask if it's ok to use plastic at a store???

Matt-Man said...

Covert: Damn right baby. It's a virtual wind tunnel full o' beer. Plastic? Screw that, it's all about speed. Cheers Lover!!