Thursday, April 08, 2010

Here's To Schmoop

I never got to give Schmoop an appropriate Birthday post because her mother died. However…

Let me do it now, and let me do it with a twist. Allow me to tell you why I love Schmoop in spite of all of her flaws and quirks I shall list…

She is anal…Oh sure some of you are anal as well as I am, but…hear me now and listen to me later…

My brother once came over and I wanted to heat up some food for him. I put it on a paper plate, and was going to stick it in the microwave, when I heard Schmoop scream:

“Don’t use the GOOD paper plates!!”

Evidently some paper plates with a design of a farm and a pig are more worthy than those without one.

Several years ago, before she let herself go to hell, she would work out on Saturdays. I woke up and wanted to make some Kool-Aid.

Prior to her leaving she, said, “You’ll have to get into the drawer to get the One Cup measuring cup for the sugar because the one on the counter is a Half-Cup.”

I said, “Can’t I just use the half-cup one, twice?” To which she said, “Fuck You.”

When I invent something to cook out of nothing, she always says:

“That will taste like shit.”

And even after nine or so years of doing this, she will always say, “Damn Mahoney, that was good.”

Schmoop has an eight mile round trip to work, but if I say she has plenty of gas and the gauge is below “half-a-tank” she thinks I am trying to strand her.

When she has a temperature of 98.7 or a tight muscle of any kind, she thinks she is dying. And let me tell ya, I hear the moans.

Reciprocally, if I cough, I inevitably hear the following statement, “Are you alright? What’s your pain level?”

She also doesn’t plan without changing said plans…Sleeps far too much…and is melodramatic.

But, you know what? I wouldn’t trade her for the world.

Ol’ Schmoop takes care of me…Not in a physical sense (although she does that occasionally) but more so in a soulful and spiritual sense.

She is my best friend and has been for nearly nine years…And for that, I thank her.

Cheers!!

27 comments:

Mrs. D said...

Besides the "letting herself go to hell" comment, I have to say what a sweet tribute! (But I know you're kidding.)

About the measuring cup... did you stop and think that she just may think you couldn't add fractions and isn't all that anal after all? ;-)

Mrs. D said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Desert Rat said...

What a great post! I love the "Don't use the good paper plates," because that is totally something I would say! ha!

Cheers to Schmoop!

Scott Oglesby said...

Aww, what a sweet, glowing tribute. Apparently Schmoop and my wife have a lot in common in the anal department. (don’t want it….) Anywho, she’s an accountant, and everything has to be by the book. She can’t cook for shit, and insists on measuring everything down to the grain. While I can cook my ass off and just ‘sprinkle liberally.’ I almost think the thing with the measuring cups in OCD. Why can I hear a “fuck you” being thrown my way from two directions? And especially the gas thing….it makes my head explode!

I can definitely see why you love her!!!

Micky-T said...

I've been through the good paper plate scene with Bic. She got over it and now it's just regular old paper plates, just how I like it.

Beth said...

Thanks Prick!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...and what in this life is better than having a friend?...

Matt-Man said...

D: She knows I can add, trust me...it wasn't that. Cheers D!!

Rat: Ha...Well, you're both in good company because it's something my mom would have said as well. Cheers Rat!!

Scott: Ha. I good by "feel" as well. I don't need no stinkin' measurements. And the gas gauge thing drives me crazy too. Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

Mick: We've gotten over it too. We never use them anymore. Cheers Mick!!

Schmoop: Sure thing precious...Sex later? Cheers Schmoop!!

Phfrankie: And the simple answer to your simple question is, "not a damn thing." Cheers P-Man!!

metalmom said...

There's nothing sexier than a man who knows that he has it good....and appreciates it!!

You're a lucky girl, Schmoop!

Matt-Man said...

Metal: Ha, Thanks Metal. I appreciate you noting that I am sexy and Schmoop is lucky, but I'm sure she will cringe upon reading your comment. Cheers Metal!!

Jay said...

That reminds me. I forgot to check the gas gauge this morning. I hope I have enough gas to get to the gas station.

Anyway, nice tribute to Schmoop there Matt-Man. People reading your for the first time today are going to think you're a nice guy. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha...Very good. First time readers will indeed think that...or not. Cheers Funny Man!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Being best friends will get you a whole lot further in this world than having a delusional "fairy tale romance". You're both very lucky! Here's to many more years together. :-)

Matt-Man said...

Evil: You are absolutely correct. There are many "labels" I could use to define my relationship with Schmoop, but the best and most lasting is that she is my "best friend". Cheers ETW!!

Dianne said...

where are her quirks?
this all makes perfect sense to me

I adore Schmoop

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ha. I know you do and she adores you. Cheers Di!!

Charlene said...

We humans were not designed to be alone. You both are lucky to know each other! Love it.

Matt-Man said...

Charlene: We do appreciate it. We're like Stiller and Meara. Cheers Charlene!!

Marilyn said...

Andy used to get mad if I used the "good bandaids" on the kid... Until we were on a hiking trip with our old buddy who was a retired pediatrician and Jasmine scraped her knee. I looked at Andy and said: "you want me to explain about 'good bandaids'"... I never heard about that again. Not sure how you could apply that strategy to paper plates though.

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Ha. The threat of public shame is always the great equalizer. Cheers Marilyn!!

MysteryChick said...

You two are lucky to have found eachother. You just seem to "work".

Good for you both!

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Thanks, but I must say... She is far luckier than I. ; ) Cheers Chick!!

Dice Mardell said...

a very nice tribute.

Matt-Man said...

Dice: Oddly enough, Schmoop wasn't all that enthusiastic about it. Cheers Di!!

David said...

Happy Birthday to Schmoop.

I must be kinda anal as well since I'm very particular about what people put in my microwave as well...although I don't generally have any paper plates on hand - good or common. I just don't use them - Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Dana said...

After that crockpot liver disaster you are lucky you weren't writing ...

"It was one year ago today that I decided it was a good idea to cook liver in the crockpot"!