Can't We All Just Get Along...And Quickly?

It has been warm here in Bagwine of late, which means the last two days at the Beer Mine, especially Tuesday night, have been damn busy.

It’s great to have oodles of business, but it was quite evident that many people who are just now coming out of hibernation have forgotten the rules of the Beer Mine. So…

I thought this would be a perfect time to re-visit the rules in order to make your trip through the Beer Mine speedy and enjoyable for yourself, the staff, and the customers in the cars behind you. M’kay?

First off, an easy one. Drive-By Mikey’s Golden Rule: No complaining…especially about the prices. If you complain about our prices, you will be told, “Well, Speedway’s down the street.”

If you have three kids with you DO NOT wait until you pull in to ask, “What do you want kids?”

If you do this, you will forever be hated not only by us but the other customers waiting patiently. If the kids don’t know, make their damn minds up for them. Quit spoiling the rotten little shits.

Another good way to speed things up for everyone, is to know if you have money PRIOR to pulling in and ordering.

Call me crazy, but when I go to buy something, I usually know if I have money on me. Just sayin’.

This leads to a related rule…Know where your goddamn money is. Don’t order and wait until I get back with everything to stick your sweaty hand into a purse the size of a hefty bag looking for your money. Have it at the ready.

And please…if your order comes to, oh let’s say…$15.34? Don’t hand me a 20 and then say, “Hold on, I think I have 34 cents in here. It’ll help you out.”

It doesn’t help me out; the time you take to root around for cum stained pennies pisses me off. And those behind you even more so.

Oh by the way…DO NOT wait until we gather up all of your shit, ring it up, and then bring it to you to ask, “You take debit and/or credit cards right?” We don’t. You might want to ask that when you first pull in, Einstein.

Knowing EXACTLY what you want helps too. If you tell me that you want a pack of Marlboro Menthols and I bring them to you and then you ask, “Do you have these in 100’s?”, my answer will of course be, “no.” While I am pretty fucking amazing, I’m not Kreskin.

DO NOT ask us, “What kind of pop do you have?”

We only have a few pop coolers and they are quite visible so just look around quickly sport. Unless of course you are a blind fucker, which leads me to the next rule…

If you are blind, you shouldn’t be driving and going through the Beer Mine.

I may enjoy you as a customer, but really…when there is a line of cars behind you, I do not have time to hear how your wife left you, how you got VD from your dog, or the smell of your weepy abscess. Get your beer and move along.

If we ask you for your ID, and you say, “Well, how old do you think I am?” Know this…We really don’t fucking care, as long as you are old enough to buy smokes and/or alcohol.

If you want us to go outside during a thunderstorm to get you a bag of ice, we will say, “I’m sorry; we’re out.”

And lastly (for now) if I scan something and it doesn’t ring up the first time, I don’t want to hear for the 10,000th time:

“Hee Hee…If it didn’t scan the first time it’s free.” If that happens and you say that, it’s not only not free, the price just went up 100% and I will pee all over your tires.

I hope that these guidelines can help us all have a more enjoyable upcoming summer at the Beer Mine.

The owner and staff of the Beer Mine appreciate your attention.

Cheers!!