Tuesday, April 13, 2010

If...

Guess what sports fans? As my Mondays and Tuesdays afford me little time for anything other than work, I am doing a partial meme today.

That’s right. I think this may be only the third one I have done since I started this site in May of 2006. But when one has little time and nothing on his mind, what the hell?

I came across it on Mrs. D’s site the other day…

If I were a month I'd be August ‘cause I am always hot and sweaty.

If I were a day I’d be Friday ’cause I am off on Fridays, although some say I always am.

If I were a time of day I’d be 9:15 P.M. I walk in the door, open a beer, and Corky greets me.

If I were a font I’d be well I don’t know, but whichever one it was it would be in boldface.

If I were a sea animal I’d be a sponge. I soak it all up bitches.

If I were a direction I’d be South ‘cause I do like to go south on the ladies.

If I were a piece of furniture I’d be an inflatable bondage sofa.

If I were a liquid I’d be duh…Wild Irish Rose!!

If I were a tree I’d be an evergreen of some type ’cause I’m here for everyone year ’round.

If I were a tool…well, wait…I already am a tool. Next?

If I were a musical instrument I’d be Fender guitar, a Fender painted red, you could play me darlin’ until your fingers bled. (apologies to Mark Knopfler)

If I were a sound I’d be nails on a chalkboard.

If I were a food I’d be a Loosemeat Sandwich.

If I were a body part I’d be the tongue. Mmmmmmmm, love using my tongue.

If I were a song I’d be “I Touch Myself”.

If I were a bird I’d be a pigeon. I do like a good shit.

If I were a door I’d be open.

If I were a poem I’d be one that I wrote in the early 80’s during my New Wave poetry period:

The sky is blue.
The grass is green.
I am white.


Can I get some snaps of the fingers on that one?

Another eleven hour day today, so I shall see you all on Wednesday.

Cheers!!

17 comments:

Mrs. D said...

That was the best poem I've ever read! Short and no symbolism to uncover, perfect :-) Your answer to the "font" question was great, I think boldface is fitting. Thanks for the link, too ;-)

Matt-Man said...

D: Anytime, D, and thanks. The poem? I think it shows me at my deepest and most profound. Cheers D!!

Desert Rat said...

You know, generally, I think memes are kind of lame and self-absorbed (and, yes, I have succumbed occasionally, myself, so I'm not really one to talk - much), but I did enjoy reading *your* answers.

Scott Oglesby said...

I agree with D, that poem brought me to my knees in tears. It might have had something to do with the 17 hits of ecstasy I just took but still, that was beautiful man. And I really love you too. A lot.

9:15 on Friday is an awesome day and time, I’m just settling in to watch Biggest Loser with a tub of ice cream and a pepperoni stick or Celebrity Rehab with my Morphine drip. (So much more entertaining when you’re high.)

I still want to know about the cracked sternum.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I think I feel closer to you now than after the pee picture.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: I don't like doing them either but I'm not above doing them when I got little time and and even less on my mind. Thanks and Cheers Rat!!

Scott: Ha. You're a rebel. My sternum? Easter Morning I was playing basketball with Ryno. We were playing at full speed. He drove toward the basket; I cut him off and his shoulder smashed into the left side of breastbone.

When I breathe deeply or move a certain way, I can feel a "pop" or a "click." It's gonna take quite awhile to heal and it hurts...alot. Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

Evil: Ha. My answers and more specifically, my poetry do show the depth of my soul, or more accurately, the lack of depth. Cheers ETW!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I will not only snap my fingers for you, sir, I will tip my beret in your general direction...

Jay said...

Memes are okay. It's still your own original and very clever answers. I thought about doing this meme too. But, now I probably won't. I'll never be able to match the beauty and elegance of that poem.

Marilyn said...

Feel better!

I got nothing to post today and no readership to offend... I'm doing this meme.

Dana said...

Oh sure ... I make a commitment to go meme free for a week and you insist on doing one!

For the record, you've done more than three memes - HNT counts even though it's a photo meme.

Lu' said...

I'll give you a snap crackle and pop garsh darn it :)

Mike said...

"If I were a direction I’d be South ‘cause I do like to go south on the ladies."

So that's what all the drinking is about. You're sanitising your tongue. You are one thoughtful guy! Keep up the good work.

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: You are so damn Bohemian. I love you P-Man. Cheers!!

Jay: Deep down in the bowels of your soul I am sure there is a poet screaming to get out. Wouldn't you? Cheers Jay!!

Marilyn: Ha. Have at it. And I will have you proudly displyed on my sidebar no later than early Thursday. Cheers Marilyn!!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: I had nothin', bu tbecause of this meme it inspired Wednesady's post. And by the way when I di HNT it wasn't a meme; it was passion personified in still life. Cheers Dana!!

Lu: You are too kind my friend. Cheers Lu!!

Mike: Wild Irish Rose does kill nearly all germs it comes in contact with. Eats em right away. Cheers Mike!!

Michele said...

Now, that's a poem I can understand.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Sometimes I try to communicate with the commoners. Cheers Michele!!