Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A Lifestyle Self-Intervention

I found the Most Interesting Man in the World post that I put up late this past Saturday night mildly amusing in a raunchy, and infantile way.

The story accurately detailed a few of my more juvenile activities and sexual exploits over the years. There’s quite a few more.

I failed to mention about the time years ago, when my girlfriend at the time would “loan” me out to her friends whose boyfriends refused to go down on them. How could I say no? It was at the time, a win-win. Well…

Except for the time one of her friends and I fell asleep performing said action. I was snoozing face down in her hoo-ha. I don’t know who it says more about, her or I, but I do know that two hours later I woke up and my face was like a glazed donut that had been left out in the sun.

Yes, the post and the additional memories it elicited initially made me laugh. And, the colorful language I used, as I always do, to describe these events made me chuckle as well. I do have a foul mouth.

But then…

After reflection and spontaneous introspection, the smile left my face and the chuckles dissipated into the echoes of time. I was no longer amused by my actions. I felt bad about them, and was disturbed with myself.

Thus for the last couple of days I have been thinking about the things I have done throughout my life along these lines and began thinking about the changes I need to make. I said to myself, the following…

What’s with all the cussing? Can’t you speak more reflectively and politely? It’s time to cease with the myriad of expletives you use, Matt-Man.

And the partying…Holy Cow Matt-Man, you can’t keep this up forever, and neither can your liver. You couldn’t stay awake between that chick’s legs when you were twenty; what makes you think you can do it at 45? It’s time to stop, Matt-Man.

Which brought me to the last topic. Sex….


With few exceptions, that is all it has ever been to you, Matt-Man. It’s rarely been about love. Hell you don’t even know what love is I’m guessing. Grow up, and get beyond the oft times physical gratification and get over your selfish needs, Matt-Man.

And this folks is what I have been thinking about the last couple of days and it is indeed what I said to myself, until late Tuesday, when I said to myself…

Oh Fuck That. In spite of the good, the bad, and the ugly of myself, I can’t live in a sterile, boring world. A world that is draped in a black and white, monochromatic fog. You know why?

‘Cause I’m Matt-Man, Bitch, and I exist where life meets color. Boo Yah!!


I’m off today folks, so you know what that means. Uh-Huh. Cussing, drinking, smoking, and foolin’ around on the ‘puter.

And on top of that, any chick who comments on my site or I Twitter with or what not, I will as I always do, picture them naked.

And let me tell you ladies, when I picture you, you all have fan-damn-tastic bodies. If only I could get beyond the reality of mine.

Cheers!!

19 comments:

Michele said...

I want you to picture me like the librarian on the librarian dress up site I posted about. M'kay.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: I sure will. The one I made, was HAWT!! Cheers Michele!!

Mike said...

"refused to go down on them"

WHAT!! How do I sign up for this job?!

Old joke - new media to deliver it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79QOa1SXXAA

Scott Oglesby said...

You gotta be you brutha. If you found your bliss, don’t ever stop living your bliss.

I envy you with all the women in a way. Even when I was young and completely crazy, I always had long term girlfriends…and never cheated. I’ve only slept with 7 women in my entire life, and back in my club days I was beating them (and myself) off …with a stick. In a way though I’m like a chick in that regard, I always had to feel something. Which is just crazy.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha I know!! What a gig I fell into. And yeah, I'ma Lesbian too. Cheers Mike!!

Scott: The crap I talk about happened long ago. And I was merely saying, so be it. I'll still remain what I was then and always shall be. It's more of remaining true to my attitude not about the sex. I do after all, have a hot chick in my life and have for awhile now. Cheers Scott!!

Mrs. D said...

Scott- Wow, there's not many like you.

Matt- Now I'm going to wonder about how you are imagining us, lol. (I hope I have crazy-hot hair and a tight bod!)

Matt-Man said...

D: Hold On...Gimme a second...Oh yeah, you gots all that, and let me tell ya---Damn I just entered the picture naked. Yikes. Must open eyes!! Cheers D!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Glazed donut! That image is priceless! ROFL!

Matt-Man said...

Evil: Ha. Thank you for acknowledging that. I spent quite awhile trying to come up with the most accurate description of that particular moment. Cheers ETW!!

Jay said...

Every time I read a blog post by a chick, I imagine her sitting in front of her computer naked while writing. Then I imagine her laying in bed naked while reading. Reading and writing are sexy.

As for male bloggers? I imagine their significant other laying in bed, naked and lonely because they're being ignored by their men who are too busy blogging. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. That is a good way to visualize the women, and I do it as well. As for the male blogging thing. That doesn't apply to Schmoop and I.

Schmoop would sleep whether I was next to her or on the computer. Sleeping is her pastime. She's like a cat. Cheers Jay!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...it's all about the ubiquitous, omnipresent and glazed hoo-ha...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: You know what? I couldn't have said it better or agreed more. Cheers P-Man!!

David said...

I do ao enjoy your blog posts when you been all introspective and soul searching and stuff.

But I do have one question...about that falling asleep face first in the glazed hoo-ha, how long was that going on before you were exhausted and zonked out? Feel free to round to the nearest whole hour.

Oh, second question, wasn't her moaning and screaming in joyous orgasmic bliss enough to keep each of you awake?

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha. It was going on for awhile but man, we were both shit faced, so the details remain murky on that one. Cheers David!!

Joker_SATX said...

You had me going there for a minute Matt-Man. I envisioned you heading off to some Buddhist Temple in Tibet.

So glad you came to your senses. After all, having sex with Yaks can't possibly be in the same league....

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Ha. I don't know. I bet Yaks really get off with a loud sexy scream, but really, the Buddhist temple thing wouldn't be so bad. Cheers Joker!!

Marilyn said...

You know I love you, but there's probably a middle ground between the two. Sober isn't necessarily monochromatic... Oh, I had a beer this weekend. Maybe I'm finding my own middle ground too.

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: I have been firmly planted on the middle ground for a long time. As I told Scott, it's more about my attitude, but I have to embellish. Cheers Marilyn!!