Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Cinco de Mayo: Better Jose' Than Gay

Today is a day of Mexican celebration, and one that all Americans should be thankful for as well. This particular Cinco de Mayo post is a Bagwine tradition and a great history lesson…

What does Cinco de Mayo commemorate, you ask? Well, let me give you a history lesson and ‘splain it to you.

In 1862, Napoleon III, Emperor of France, sent troops to Mexico to install a puppet government. Or in the case of the French, a marionette government.


This army of well supplied French soldiers had planned on attacking Mexico City. It was not to be.

When word of this plan spread, a gang of 43 young Mexicans decided to take on the French army.

This gang had been formed after the evil Gadsden Purchase of 1853. These brave gang members were known as the, Fuck Franklin Piercers.

Packed like um...well, Mexicans, into their horse-drawn hoopty with tricked out wooden wheels...

The 43 brave FFP-ers headed to meet the French at the city of Puebla.

Armed only with unbridled courage, switchblades, and mariachi music, these 19th Century gang members defeated the gay mighty, heavily armed, and meticulously uniformed European pussies French army, and celebrated by drinking tequila until they puked out refried beans and corn husks.

That's the way it was...May 5, 1862.

I am glad those guys thwarted the French, because had they not, things today would be much worse here in the States.

How, you ask? All of the illegal aliens swimming across the Rio Grande to come here would be a bunch of flaming gay French!!

Can you imagine having your lawn and garden kept up by a half dozen gay French guys? Oh, dear God…

They would be complaining about the heat, the pay, and the crooked mow lines on the fescue. And God forbid if you offer them tap water to drink…

They would demand Perrier!! I mean, when they weren't hitting on your husband.

And just think…

The French illegals working here as hotel maids would have hairy armpits. Do you want your bed made up and towels changed by a butch French chick with hairy armpits..? I didn’t think so.

There would also be no Mexican fast food chains. Instead, Main Street U.S.A. would be littered with fast-food eateries called, Crepe-Eaux Belle.

Am I going to go to a place like that when I’m stinkin' drunk at 2 A.M., and order the Pollo Puff Pastry Supreme with currants and bleu cheese...?

Je ne le fuckin' pense pas!!

Just think…If one of these border crossing French aliens stopped me to ask for directions, my entire response would be different.

Instead of the fluid, lilting sounding reply, “No Habla Espanol.” I would have to say... “I don’t speak Frog, you smelly, pretentious French bastard.”


And just think of the American mime industry...American mimes would be replaced in favor of cheap, illegal French mimes. They could never be deported because they would be unable to respond to the question:

"Are you here illegally, Henri?"

Hell, even history would be forever altered.

Instead of being known for his brazen, anti-hero exploits, Pancho Villa would be known for his over powering serve as he won the 1912 French Open on the clay courts of the Stade Roland Garros.

So Sad...


So on this Cinco de Mayo, take time out to hug a Mexican who is here illegally, and thank him or her for not being French, and for not being gay.

Just make sure to wear a pig flu mask and keep one hand on your wallet when doing so.

Cheers!!

26 comments:

Marilyn said...

you make me want to learn French.

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Merci and Oui. That's about all I know. Anything else, I use Google translator. Cheers Marilyn!!

Jay said...

Dieu merci, les Mexicains gagné à Puebla, car la seule bonne chose à propos de la langue française est leur nourriture et le vin.

Happy Cinco de Mayo dude! :)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Damn right, but I ain't too big on their food either. Right back atcha. Cheers Jay!!

Mike said...

Let me be the first commenter to wish you a happy fifth ......... of May on the actually day.

Scott Oglesby said...

This was the funniest post I’ve read in a long time Matt. Learning history with you is like a breath of 200 year old fresh air. I love to imagine the scenarios had history turned out differently and this was a flamboyantly interesting one.

I just went off on all my right-wingnuts friends I grew up with on FB about the immigration issue, but they’re too stupid to even know I was insulting them. Hahahahaha.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Why thanks and same to you. I shall be indeed participating in some revelry. Cheers Mike!!

Scott: Ha. I love to insult and make fun of people especially when they don't get that they are the subject of a personal attack. There's nothing more fulfilling, and funny.

And thanks...I do love me some History, especially when it happens the way I envision it. Cheers Scott!!

Mrs. D said...

Making fun of the French is always a good time! And I LOL'd at the tricked out wooden wheels part, hahaha... Who says stereotyping is wrong? Well maybe it is, but it sure is entertaining. Great post :-)

Matt-Man said...

D: It's not only fun making fun of the French, it's so easy!! And you're right, stereotyping does make for good entertainment and has been a comedic cornerstone for centuries. Cheers D!!

Irene said...

Je pense que vous êtes spécial!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...and there would have been those lousy escargot burritos...

Matt-Man said...

Irene: Awwww...Why thank you, and likewise. Cheers Irene!!

Phfrankie: Ewww, you are so correct. And the snails they used would have been gleaned from the yards they were mowing and meticulously landscaping. It just ain't right. Cheers P-Man!!

Joker_SATX said...

Matt-Man, Le ROTFLMAO!

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Ha. Well I'm glad. A laugh is my reward. Thanks Joker, and Cheers!!

Doc said...

HAHAHAAAA - Great post Matt Man - Im happy the Mexicans won too... Im having Taco Bell for lunch.

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha. Thanks. Oh how Schmoop and I do love the T-Bell so very much. Oh Baby!! Cheers Doc!!

David said...

Funny stuff Matt-Man but I fear you are under-appreciating the benefits of gay landscapers - Your yard would be perfectly color coordinated and would look FABULOUS dahling.

Matt-Man said...

David: Nah, Baby, Nah...When I was still in home my yard was THE yard. I am one lanscapin mo-fo. Strangers passing by would stop an dask who did the lanscaping, and I would proudly tell them, "Me." And I'm not a gay French guy.

Those Gallic bitches got nothing on me. Cheers and Thanks David!!

bobbybegood1 said...

I, too, am soooooo glad the Mexicans won. Bravo!! You toooo funny Matt. Hell I like - I mean - love stereotypical jokes. Whoever can't laugh at themselves - fuck um! Can you please translate what Jay said. Ha. Your the best Matt. Keep em coming. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Bobby: Here ya go Michelle:

God thank you, the Mexicans won at Puebla, because the only good thing about the French is their food and wine.

And you're right...If ya can't laugh at yourself, you can't laugh period. I'll try to keep it up...er...you know what I mean. Cheers!!

Dana said...

So on this Cinco de Mayo, take time out to hug a Mexican who is here illegally, and thank him or her for not being French, and for not being gay.

I think we've got about 27 of them working out in our factory next door. Do you need to borrow one??

We are currently providing ESL classes to "ours" - at no charge - since we were the first city in the U.S. to make English our "official" language.

Matt-Man said...

Dana: That would be so damn cool of ya. Is there a Consuela there? I dig the name Consuela. It rolls right off of the tongue. Mmmmmmm, Consuela. Cheers Dana!!

Lu' said...

Ola and Oohlala Matt-Man...

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Hiya Buddy...Hope you are well after the shake up. Cheers Lu!!

bobbybegood1 said...

Yes, Matt, unfortunately I know what - er, um, ya mean. Hahahaha. Cheers!!

maria said...

you pussys would still be drinking cups of tea with fish and chips if it wasn't for the french