Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Justin Bieber Is Hot, and More Than Likely...Incredibly Gay!!

It’s Wednesday, so that means I am off today, and today? It’s time for my every 3-4 month head shaving.

When I realized that, a thought entered my head…

What the fuck is up with that hair of teen idol, Justin Bieber? And, I thought a second and then said to myself…

“Not only does that hair style look like a giant Maine Coon cat just threw up a giant furball atop his noggin, I think the boy is gay.”

He’s gotta be. I mean, now dig it…

He’s a pasty, white, milquetoast Canadian named Justin who overcompensates for his acute lack of post-puberty masculinity by trying to sound soulful when singing and always using hip phrases like, "whatevah dude", "wassup", and, "you know, man?"

Who does this little Mary thinks he is, Canadian Ice? I bet those in the know, know that in gay teenage circles he is known as, Canadian Slice!!

Dude, Justin…c’mon fess up man. You’re a Teen-Ker-Bell, and well, that’s cool. Don’t deny it.

Hell, Canadian Back Bacon Boy, embrace it like you did your buddy Brice a couple of summers ago behind the Honeysuckle bushes.

You have gayness written all over you. You should change your name from Justin Bieber to Justin Beaver because that’s where your pee flows from when you sit down to take a leak.

There’s no shame in being gay, but I gotta tell ya, J-Beeb…if you’re going to be gay, could ya do it with some style, please?

This phony Usher-esque Hipster thing ya got going on, is a joke. You’re not a hipster. Much like Cosmo Kramer you come off as a Hipster Doofus, and a gay one at that.


Get back to your root and start emulating Nathan Lane or Rip Taylor.

You can have their uber-gay openness and still be cool, but you might want to make a few changes. For instance…

If someone is interviewing you and asks you what is on your iPod, don’t say, “Culture Club, Air Supply, and Johnny Mathis.”

Download some new tunes immediately so you can tell everyone that you are listening to Queen and Judas Priest. Now there’s a couple of rockin’ bands with gay ass front men. But please note…


Don’t ever think you’ll be as good as Freddie Mercury was.

Now the hair…It is pretty damn gay looking, but I mean gay in the non-PC sense of the word when calling something just completely fucked up and non sequitur.

Your hair is a gay buzz kill. It’s awful. You look like a girl.


If you want to hang out with Melissa Etheridge the hair is fine, but if you showed up at Siegfried and Roy’s house with that mop, they’d bitch slap ya and feed ya to the tigers.

So in summation, my gay friend…

Lose the lame attempts at being a ghettolicious hipster; you’re a fucking Canadian.


Watch Nathan Lane movies. Find some edgy gay music to listen to, and for Godssakes...

Get rid of the furball atop your noggin!!

Do this and you will never want for the queerpanionship you so desire.

Do this not, and you will surely live and die a bitter old man because you repressed your incredible gayness.

If you think I am kidding, take a look at Dick Cheney. He has repressed his gayness, and look what has happened to him.

Cheers!!

28 comments:

Jetsa said...

I think you are right but you got it wrong. JB is a butch. And the cool hand moves are to hide the boobs.

Matt-Man said...

Jetsa: I dunno aboout the butch thing. J-Beeb is as about as butch as Rosie O'Donnell isn't. Cheers J!!

David said...

I fear you have horribly offended the gay community by suggesting that The Dick cheney plays on their team.

Matt-Man said...

David: Dick is gay and lives vicarioulsy through his daughter. Cheers David!!

Jay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jay said...

Beeber fans are gonna be after you now. You'll be getting death threats. Sure, their spelling and grammar will be atrocious, but they'll still be death threats.

Hell, his fans are so dangerous that I misspell his name just so I can claim I was talking about someone else. Luckily they're stupid enough to believe that. Even if they read this comment.

Also, you forgot about Billy Squire. Now that was one awesome gay rocker in satin pants right there.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Oh I hope so...but I can see it now a couple of years from now...Just like Lance Bass, he'll be on the cover of People saying, "I'm Gay!!"

And Billy Squier...One hard rocking gay man. Cheers Jay!!

Mrs. D said...

I think it's weird that he's even 16. He looks 11! I don't get what the big deal is, either... but you better watch your back... his fans are crazy rabid fools. They WILL find you.

I bet you get more blog hits on this than w/Megan Fox naked or whatever.

Matt-Man said...

D: Hey!! At least I said he was hot. So it was in a gay, kiss me softly Johnny way...He's still hot. Cheers D!!

Mike said...

The first time I saw this kids picture I thought it WAS a girl.

Scott Oglesby said...

Wait. Dude(?) is 16? Damn. I’ve never really seen him other than on the MSN homepage in some obscure “What is Justin Bieber eating for breakfast today” type of article. I doubt that any of his style is even up to the poor, damaged bastard. He probably has more handlers than the crackhead, preteen daughter of a Saudi oil prince. Or Prince himself.

And yea, Cheney is SuperGay.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Isn't he just so very...um, pretty? Cheers Mike!!

Scott: Nothing like being the latest no talent, manufactured pop star. Cheney is Perez Hilton of American politics. Cheers Scott!!

Kim said...

Yeah, I agree something is off with that boy. Nothing wrong with being gay but at least admit it so all the little girls can get a glimpse of what dating emo boys will be like.

Oh yeah, watch out for the fans they will knife you.

Matt-Man said...

Kim: I agree. And I say...I did not write this to be funny or glib. The boy's future mental health is at stake here!! Uh-huh. Cheers Kim!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I think he's kinda cute...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: That's because being the open-minded and sophisticated man that you are, you see beauty in everything. Cheers P-Man!!

Charlene said...

I dunno. I don't care for his name. I could care less if he's gay. There will be a time when a person's sexuality won't be so breathlessly discussed. I'm looking forward to that.

Matt-Man said...

Charlene: I hope that day never comes. Discussing a person's sexuality is fun...especially when done in a suh-teer-ih-cull nature. Cheers Charlene!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

He is way nelly. And that is a Hair DON'T!

Matt-Man said...

Evil: Thank you for that succinct and complete validation of my thoughts. Evil Twin's Wife, Ladies and Gentlemen!! Cheers ETW!!

Doc said...

Yay... It let me comment. I tried to comment at like 630 am and it woudlnt let me... I can't remember what I was trying to say but I swear it was hilarious.

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha. I'm sure it was. Blogger had comment issues this morning. Fuckin' internets. The tubes got clogged!! Cheers Doc!!

Dana said...

I just learned last week that his name wasn't Justin Beaver! Silly me ...

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ha...But it should be. Those wacky kids these days. Cheers Dana!!

Marilyn said...

I'm just wondering what this did to the hit count. Maybe I'll do a Bieber post too...

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: I thought it would be big, but eh...not so much. Cheers Marilyn!!

MysteryChick said...

Wait! Billy Squier is gay?! Huh, guess that explains "The Stroke".

Even your comments section is educational Matt-Man.

Now if someone would just tell me, "Who's Justin Beiber and why does his hair look like that?".

Matt-Man said...

Chick: He is the latest teen heart throb and he sucks. Hope you are well, and eating delicios fries. Cheers Chick!!