It’s Wednesday, so that means I am off today, and today? It’s time for my every 3-4 month head shaving.
When I realized that, a thought entered my head…
What the fuck is up with that hair of teen idol, Justin Bieber? And, I thought a second and then said to myself…
“Not only does that hair style look like a giant Maine Coon cat just threw up a giant furball atop his noggin, I think the boy is gay.”
He’s gotta be. I mean, now dig it…
He’s a pasty, white, milquetoast Canadian named Justin who overcompensates for his acute lack of post-puberty masculinity by trying to sound soulful when singing and always using hip phrases like, "whatevah dude", "wassup", and, "you know, man?"
Who does this little Mary thinks he is, Canadian Ice? I bet those in the know, know that in gay teenage circles he is known as, Canadian Slice!!
Dude, Justin…c’mon fess up man. You’re a Teen-Ker-Bell, and well, that’s cool. Don’t deny it.
Hell, Canadian Back Bacon Boy, embrace it like you did your buddy Brice a couple of summers ago behind the Honeysuckle bushes.
You have gayness written all over you. You should change your name from Justin Bieber to Justin Beaver because that’s where your pee flows from when you sit down to take a leak.
There’s no shame in being gay, but I gotta tell ya, J-Beeb…if you’re going to be gay, could ya do it with some style, please?
This phony Usher-esque Hipster thing ya got going on, is a joke. You’re not a hipster. Much like Cosmo Kramer you come off as a Hipster Doofus, and a gay one at that.
Get back to your root and start emulating Nathan Lane or Rip Taylor.
You can have their uber-gay openness and still be cool, but you might want to make a few changes. For instance…
If someone is interviewing you and asks you what is on your iPod, don’t say, “Culture Club, Air Supply, and Johnny Mathis.”
Download some new tunes immediately so you can tell everyone that you are listening to Queen and Judas Priest. Now there’s a couple of rockin’ bands with gay ass front men. But please note…
Don’t ever think you’ll be as good as Freddie Mercury was.
Now the hair…It is pretty damn gay looking, but I mean gay in the non-PC sense of the word when calling something just completely fucked up and non sequitur.
Your hair is a gay buzz kill. It’s awful. You look like a girl.
If you want to hang out with Melissa Etheridge the hair is fine, but if you showed up at Siegfried and Roy’s house with that mop, they’d bitch slap ya and feed ya to the tigers.
So in summation, my gay friend…
Lose the lame attempts at being a ghettolicious hipster; you’re a fucking Canadian.
Watch Nathan Lane movies. Find some edgy gay music to listen to, and for Godssakes...
Get rid of the furball atop your noggin!!
Do this and you will never want for the queerpanionship you so desire.
Do this not, and you will surely live and die a bitter old man because you repressed your incredible gayness.
If you think I am kidding, take a look at Dick Cheney. He has repressed his gayness, and look what has happened to him.