Funnies and Gays Unite!!

As Monday at the Beer Mine was rather slow, my mind began to wander…and wonder.

I don’t know why, maybe it was the homeless transvestite walking past, perhaps it was because I was laughing about something while hearing a promo for the Rachel Maddow Show, but…

I had an epiphany.

Funny people and gay people have many things in common. First of all you are either born with it or not.

Seriously…

Just as gay people are born with the desire to be intimate with those of the same sex, meticulously shave their chest and facial hair, or if a butch woman like Rosie O’Donnell, meticulously allow their chest and facial hair to grow…

Funny people are born with the desire to be intimate with the misfortune of others, meticulously point out the stupidity of society, and...

if you happen to be a funny person named Butch, delight in the fact that everyone will laugh with you for fear of you beating the shit out of them should they not.

Another thing…

Just as far too many gay people suppress their natural gayness to avoid getting the stink eye from society, many funny people suppress their funniness.

I know many naturally funny guys who refuse to publicly be funny, because their wife or girlfriend will give them the stink eye and withhold sex.

Conversely, sometimes gay and funny folks should suppress their genetic make-up…

There are times when gay people run around unabashedly promoting their sense of gayness through parades full of gay men dressed like Cher, and gay chicks walking their bitch around with a leash.

Gay people should stop that; it’s creepy.

And...

There are many funny people who unabashedly promote their funniness through parades full of grown, fez wearing men driving in figure eights in tiny cars, and funny women dressed as clowns handing out candy to little kids.

Funny people should stop that; it’s creepy.

The last thing that came to mind to me?

Both groups are oppressed and unfairly treated by some, and why is that, you ask?

Well, in the case of gays, many folks find their looks, lifestyle, and sexual proclivities to be strange and an abomination before God.

In the case of funny people, many folks find their jokes, sarcasm, and laughter to be strange and an abomination toward their lack of a sense of humor.

Based upon these commonalities, I think the Funnies and Gays should unite…some type of coalition united in fostering understanding and acceptance.

Hmmm? Funnies and Gays united. I deem today this day October 19th, the day that this coalition be known as…

FAGs United. Let the oppression end with me.

Matt-Man…Bringing the world closer together through bareback joke telling.

Somebody please alert the Nobel Peace Prize committee.

Let them know that they can contact me at the Beer Mine today from 10-9.

Cheers!!

Justin Bieber Is Hot, and More Than Likely...Incredibly Gay!!

It’s Wednesday, so that means I am off today, and today? It’s time for my every 3-4 month head shaving.

When I realized that, a thought entered my head…

What the fuck is up with that hair of teen idol, Justin Bieber? And, I thought a second and then said to myself…

“Not only does that hair style look like a giant Maine Coon cat just threw up a giant furball atop his noggin, I think the boy is gay.”

He’s gotta be. I mean, now dig it…

He’s a pasty, white, milquetoast Canadian named Justin who overcompensates for his acute lack of post-puberty masculinity by trying to sound soulful when singing and always using hip phrases like, "whatevah dude", "wassup", and, "you know, man?"

Who does this little Mary thinks he is, Canadian Ice? I bet those in the know, know that in gay teenage circles he is known as, Canadian Slice!!

Dude, Justin…c’mon fess up man. You’re a Teen-Ker-Bell, and well, that’s cool. Don’t deny it.

Hell, Canadian Back Bacon Boy, embrace it like you did your buddy Brice a couple of summers ago behind the Honeysuckle bushes.

You have gayness written all over you. You should change your name from Justin Bieber to Justin Beaver because that’s where your pee flows from when you sit down to take a leak.

There’s no shame in being gay, but I gotta tell ya, J-Beeb…if you’re going to be gay, could ya do it with some style, please?

This phony Usher-esque Hipster thing ya got going on, is a joke. You’re not a hipster. Much like Cosmo Kramer you come off as a Hipster Doofus, and a gay one at that.

Get back to your root and start emulating Nathan Lane or Rip Taylor.

You can have their uber-gay openness and still be cool, but you might want to make a few changes. For instance…

If someone is interviewing you and asks you what is on your iPod, don’t say, “Culture Club, Air Supply, and Johnny Mathis.”

Download some new tunes immediately so you can tell everyone that you are listening to Queen and Judas Priest. Now there’s a couple of rockin’ bands with gay ass front men. But please note…

Don’t ever think you’ll be as good as Freddie Mercury was.

Now the hair…It is pretty damn gay looking, but I mean gay in the non-PC sense of the word when calling something just completely fucked up and non sequitur.

Your hair is a gay buzz kill. It’s awful. You look like a girl.

If you want to hang out with Melissa Etheridge the hair is fine, but if you showed up at Siegfried and Roy’s house with that mop, they’d bitch slap ya and feed ya to the tigers.

So in summation, my gay friend…

Lose the lame attempts at being a ghettolicious hipster; you’re a fucking Canadian.

Watch Nathan Lane movies. Find some edgy gay music to listen to, and for Godssakes...

Get rid of the furball atop your noggin!!

Do this and you will never want for the queerpanionship you so desire.

Do this not, and you will surely live and die a bitter old man because you repressed your incredible gayness.

If you think I am kidding, take a look at Dick Cheney. He has repressed his gayness, and look what has happened to him.

Cheers!!

The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America: Gay and Lesbian Are A-Okay!!

It became official on Friday.

The largest denomination of Lutherans in the U.S. has voted to lift a ban that prevented sexually active gay dudes and lesbos from serving as ministers.

The delegates of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) which claims a membership of 4.7 million people, voted in Minneapolis Friday on the issue, and the results…?

Praise the Lord and Pass the KY Jelly!! Or, to quote Martin Luther…

“Be thou comforted, little dog, Thou too in Resurrection shall have a little golden tail.”

Well praise Jeebus ye of Lutheran faith, there is going to be a lot of golden tail preachin’ in your churches.

I mean, hell, I don’t think it’s a big deal. Episcopalians allow gay ministers. The United Church of Christ allows them as well, and as we all know…

The Roman Catholic Church allows not only gays into the priesthood, but pedophiles as well.

Hell, for decades, Priests have been nailin’ young boys harder than a Roman soldier hammerin’ a spike into the Lord.

In fact, I hear that when a Priest gets assigned to an all-boys Catholic High School you can typically hear him shout:

“Praise Jeebus, for in the Lord, there lies abundance!!”

Anyhoo…where was I? Oh that’s right…the fucking Lutherans.

I think what the delegates did was great. Gay people should be permitted to serve the Lord and his flock. In a way, gay men specifically, because of their sexual habits, would be more adept at serving a flock.

I also think it is very appropriate that the ELCA held its convention and voted to allow the inclusion of gay people into its cadre of clergy while in the city of Minneapolis.

After all, Minneapolis is where Sen. Larry Craig, eschewed his closeted gayness, and tried to tap toes and make time with an undercover cop in an airport bathroom. God is one clever son of a bitch.

I really do hail this as a step forward, but there is some talk that this vote will cause a schism within the ELCA…so be it.

Those who decide to split from the Lutheran Church over this inclusion can suck it…so to speak.

I do think however, when gay Lutherans start conducting services, the names of the churches in which they pastor might need to reflect the changes.

For instance in Bagwine, if a gay guy becomes the pastor of Zion Evangelical Lutheran Church, it could become re-named, The Manhole Bar and Eucharist.

If some lesbian chick takes over the holy reins of Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church, it could become known as, Grace, Betsy, Juanita and What the Eunuch Saw Evangelical Lutheran Church.

Once again, Matt-Man…Here to Help.

Well that’s it for today. Sunday is the ex’s Birthday so this morning I am taking my 14 year old son and his size 13 feet out to get his mom a present.

Hmmmmmm? 14 years old and wears size 13 shoes…?

Praise Jeebus that my kid doesn’t go to a Catholic School full of Priests.

Cheers!!

Here's The Story, Of A Man Named Brady...

I was flipping through the channels Wednesday night and I just kept coming across old shows.

Not re-runs of newer shows…I’m talking old shows like, The Brady Bunch, and others.

As I am now older, I have kind of a different perspective on some of the TV shows that I watched while growing up and now air on TV Land and elsewhere.

For instance, take the aforementioned, The Brady Bunch.

I would watch it on Friday nights while eating Mikesell’s Sour Cream and Onion potato chips and sipping on some Faygo Red Pop when I was eight years old or so.

I thought it was mildly amusing, and I was somewhat envious of the Bradys.

I thought the Brady house was way cool. I was envious that they had a maid who cooked dinners of spaghetti AND steak.

They went on great vacations to the Grand Canyon, Hawaii, Kings Island, and Mr. Phillips’ big boat.

As our family was at best, middle class, I was soooo digging the opulent Brady lifestyle.

I would watch in order to see what type of hilarity would ensue when those wacky, well-to-do Bradys got together. Good times…good times.

The other night when I caught an episode of the show while puffing on a Basic Full Flavor and sipping on some Wild Irish Rose at the age of 44...I discovered something that never struck me when I watched it at the age of eight.

Mike Brady was a major league asshole…and most of all, a fucking cheapskate.

Mike Brady was allegedly some architectural guru living in the L.A. area who was always in demand for his keen designs. If that was the case, I’m sure he had money out the ass.

So, how come his six kids had to squeeze themselves to sleep within two tiny bedrooms while he and Carol slept in a huge ass boudoir that they never used…’cause, well, he was gay and all?

Hell, Mr. Brady treated his maid, Alice, better than his kids…at least she had her own bedroom. Why?

Because Alice cooked and cleaned for Mr. Twinkle Toes…and I’m guessin’ that Sam the Butcher slid Mike some free meat once in awhile as well.

Even with his huge ass family and all of his cash, the tight assed jerk would only spring for one car. For awhile, the miserly prick had a pay phone installed in his house and made the kids use that.

“But Matt-Man,” you ask. “What about all of those great vacations that he took them on? That had to set him back more than a few dollars.”

If I remember correctly…The boat, King’s Island, and the trip to Hawaii were on his boss’ dime. He didn’t spend any of his own cash, the rotten bastard.

Oh sure, there’s the trip to the Grand Canyon for which he footed the bill, and what happened on that trip?

The kids got stuffed into tents rather than a lodge, and Bobby and Cindy were left alone to wander away and nearly die in the stifling Arizona heat.

Some dad Mike Brady was...

He was probably stashing all his cash away so he could go to Sweden, have a sex change, and come back home to have hot sex with Mr. Phillips on that swanky boat.

Mike Brady was a cheap, selfish bastard, a lousy father, and I hate him.

As for me? I am taking my son fishing this morning, and guess what? I'm going to spring for the nightcrawlers.

Cheers!!

Political Correctness Is Sooooo Gay!!

Yesterday I discussed the use of the word, “retarded” and the offense and outrage it causes to some.

Today…?

I’ll discuss the use of the word, “gay”. As in, “Man, that is sooooo gay.” or “Dude, you are sooooo gay.”

Or even more so, “Your AMC Pacer is sooooo fucking gay!!”

I guess the use of the word “gay” in those contexts are, much like the word “retarded”, offensive to some people.

Let me tell you all…

It isn’t offensive to me.

In fact, I am just taking back the word from those tube steak lovin’ guys and rug chewin’ chicks who hijacked a word that used to have such a pleasant meaning.

Gay used to mean…happy, joyful, merry. The homosexuals hijacked the word, and applied it to their, Affront-to-GAWD Almighty behavior and lifestyle.

I don’t recall happy, joyful, merry people crying into their champagne coolies when the definition of the word changed, unlike the gay folks do today when their definition is used in a "hurtful" way.

Suck it up, girlie men and manly girls, at least no one is calling you retarded. Well…

Unless you’re Perez Hilton, because in addition to being one, gay, bitter pud-humper, he is incredibly retarded as well.

In spite of the scowls of others, I use the word, “gay”, in the context of silly, stupid, or childish.

Now seriously, is my meaning and use of the word closer to the original meaning, or the meaning used by members of the “gay” community?

Another thing I truly dislike about the anti-gay word use are the public service announcements that are running.

Hell, Hillary Duff (purrrrrrrrrrrrr) does an “anti-that is so gay” use ad. I guess she hates me now.

That’s too bad because, I find her and her sister kinda hot. Ha. Kidding. I’m not into young chicks.

In fact, if a chick is younger than 22, I don’t care how smokin’ hot she is, I won’t imagine her naked.

Okay, who am I kidding? If she’s younger than 14, I don’t care how smokin’ hot she is, I won’t imagine her naked.

But I digress…Here’s my point, Bitches…

There is a frequent commenter and Bagwine friend Vinny (Italian descent), whom I call a “Dago” from time to time.

Of course, looking at that cute picture of him, I should probably call him a “Gaygo”…anyhoo…

He will call me a Mick or a drunken Irishman from time to time. We mean nothing hurtful by it, because we know how each other's truly feels about the other.

(Of course, given our feelings, that begs the question: Why aren’t we simply calling each other, “asshole?”)

Additionally, meanings of words change…they evolve and morph into different meanings over time. It’s not a big deal; it happens. So folks, suck it up.

We will all, over our lives, say hurtful things, and “politically incorrect” things, but I don’t care much for political correctness.

I am much more concerned as to the context and tenor in which a word or phrase is used, and more importantly…

About the “human correctness” and actions of another, not necessarily a frowned upon word or phrase they may use.

Cheers!!

It's Okay...I'm Gay!!

Folks…I have decided that I need to have more women in life. You know…

Spice things up sexually. It would make my life more exciting, and would afford Schmoop the opportunity to relax more.

If I am otherwise occupied, she would not have to constantly look over her shoulder to see if I am getting ready once again to grab her hot, little ass and/or grope her boobs.

Of course, not too many other women really want to have sex with yours truly. So Sad. However…

I think I have come up with a solution to that problem.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am now officially GAY!!

That’s right. I have come out of my incredibly messy closet and converted to Gay-Ism. I have trimmed my goatee. Shaved my chest.

And, even switched from Wild Irish Rose to Bartles and Jaymes Strawberry Daiquiri wine coolers.

I have become one, major league flamer….a raging, homo love machine.

How in the hell does my new found gayness help me if it is my desire to sleep with women, you ask?

Allow me to ‘splain…

Me being gay gets me into the women’s club. I can hang out with them without being a threat to them. They’ll be relaxed around me if I am gay.

If I am dishing and drinking spritzers with a group of women and Tiffany says, “Gee girls, do my tits look and feel saggy. Would men still like to suck these puppies?”

In unison the other women would respond, “Why not have Matty try them out; it’s okay Tiff…He’s Gay!!”

After sucking and groping Tiff and giving my approval, the other chicks will certainly want to know how theirs stack up. They’ll all want gay Matty-Boy to try theirs out.

Let’s say I’m at a lingerie and sex toy party, and Tammy Schneider is unsure if she should purchase a pair of sexy, crotchless panties.

She voices her ambivalence to the other ladies, “I really like them, but I think my husband thinks my hoo-ha smells and tastes funny. I wonder if it does.”

The response from her peers…"Why don’t you have Matty give you a thorough taste test. It’s okay, Tammy…He’s Gay!!"

And dig it…With all of the lunches and spa sessions I’ll be doing with the babes, I’ll become involved in their personal lives.

At some point, there will be heartache for many of them due to an inattentive husband, an angry boyfriend…an unexpected weight gain.

Who will be there to pick up the pieces and console them? That’s right. Gay Matt.

I’ll have every one of them over for dinner in their time of need. We’ll talk, drink wine, and paint each other’s toenails.

And when the woman begins to sob uncontrollably from her situation and too much alcohol, I will say…

“I hate to see you like this. You can stay with me tonight if you’d like. You really shouldn’t be alone.

Hell if you’d like, you can sleep with me, and as much as I won’t enjoy it, I will even have sex with you. It‘s okay…I'm Gay.”

The forlorned chick will respond…

“You would do that for me? You are so sweet, Matty. Let’s go my BFF, I’ll ride you all night, my pretty.”

I will let her take me by my supple hand, lead me to the bedroom, and giggling like a little schoolgirl, I will say…

“And don’t you worry about what’s going to happen being made public. After all, I’d never tell any of my gay friends about this.”

I think I am on to something. Oh yeah, I am one smooth chested, wine cooler drinkin’, gay genius.

Cheers!!

Obey My Word, or I'll Scratch Your Eyes Out

I had a revelation last night.

I was drinking beer and eating pizza when a theory popped in to my empty head.

You see, I looked at the Bible that sits upon my table at the exact moment I heard a clip of Johnny Mathis on TV.

It all made sense to me at that point…

God is Gay!!

I’m not talking, let’s sing Hosanna and dance around the burning bush kinda gay…

I’m talking a John Waters, Rip Taylor, Oscar Wilde kinda gay…

An in your face, intelligent living room design, supernatural homosexual.

It certainly makes sense when you look at the Bible.

Adam and Eve…These two Garden of Eden go-getters got it on, and gasp…look what happened. Sin was born.

Not a good first chapter for the history of heterosexuality my friends.

In I and II Samuel you have Jonathan and that young, sling slaying piece of beefcake, David, involved in a fifteen year relationship.

They would often “make time alone together“ and “affirm their love”. Ol’ Dave wasn't slingin’ his rocks just at Goliath.

Years later, Michelangelo would turn out to be not only a great artist, but also a legendary producer of gay porn thanks to Dave’s kosher man-meat.

And then we have Mary and the little baby Jeebus…A child born of God through an immaculate conception.

God impregnated Mary this way, because he wanted to safeguard her virginity and protect the savior from original sin, right?

Pffffffft. The Almighty just didn’t want to get naked with an “icky girl”.

Plain and Simple. The very thought of sex with women makes the big guy kvetch.

Speaking of Jesus, why name him Jesus? Well, what better name to say when one has the lilting lisp of a gay man? None.

And then of course, Jeebus walks around for years with 12 other guys doing God knows what.

C’mon folks this has gay written all over it.

“True, but what about Mary Magdalene being with him and the others, Matt-Man?"

Two words people, “Fag Hag”.

Are you all blind to this?

But God’s sexual sway makes no never mind…Either way, the rules of getting to Heaven are the same.

And if you make it there you can walk on roads paved with gold.

Why gold? Does it represent eternal wealth and abundance?

No you morons, any self-respecting gay God who's worth a lick, would make sure that the color of the roads match the color of the sun.

Sheesh, must I explain everything?

Happy Monday...be blessed and be gay.

Cheers!!