Thursday, May 13, 2010

Matt-Man: A Raucous Day in the Life...

Boy Howdy!! Did I ever have an exciting day off yesterday. Of course, my days off are always exciting, because, well, I’m Matt-Man, Bitch!!

Anyhoo…In keeping with my uber-present humanitarianism I am going to list a few of the highlights of my day off so that you clowns can, for a brief moment, live vicariously through me.

When I got up yesterday, I looked like this…


By 10:30 A.M. I looked like this…

Damn right, I shaved my head as I do every so often. Tres chic, no? I was so asscited about it, I emailed Schmoop. This led to a series of communiqu├ęs that went something like this…

Me: Will you rub my head in oil tonight. It’s shaved!!
Schmoop: Ha. Why certainly!!

Me: And when you do, don’t speak English. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Schmoop: Hee Hee.

Me: If only you were off today. Rainy…low rumbles of thunder. It’s perfect “Sex-All-Day” weather. I’d even reward you by going to Rally’s and getting us some burgers. Of course you’d have to buy.
Schmoop: Yeah, that sounds great. What’s for dinner?

Me: We got nuthin’. Unless you want a side of Matty…or a frontal of Matty.
Schmoop: We’ll see. How about that frozen pizza?

Me: Yeah, that’s cool.
Schmoop: Zoves!!

I dig how Schmoop manages to hide her lust for me by directing the talk back to food. She’s so coy.

I also discussed my bald head on Twitter with among others, Evil Twin’s Wife. I continued to Twitter and chatted with Dana about the Arizona Immigrant ID law.

Growing bored with Twitter and in need of some day off productivity I checked my Facebook page where I saw that Irene and Leelee agreed with me on the question of Justin Bieber’s gayness. I love validation.

The phone rang. It was my buddy Richard, aka Crazy Cat Man from Columbus.


We talked politics as we always do and ended the conversation with a discussion about one of his cats that he had to have put down. Nice.

I then got into a discussion about abortion on the site of new blogger and Twit friend, Jetsa. I have one thing to say.


If you’re a woman who has an unintended pregnancy and Jetsa happens to be Earth Czar… Don’t expect to have an abortion. Jetsa is a Zygote Nazi!! Oy Vay!! But…she’s still hot.

In fact all of the chicks I linked today are hot. They Blog and they’re Hot. They’re Blotters.

Of course, during my day off activities I was swilling beer. And that is why at seven or so I passed out fell asleep on Kelly, and Schmoop who was there by then, turned everything off, and de-shoed me.

And there you have it…An exciting day in the life of Matt-Man. I’ll remember it fondly, for today I can’t get all wacky like I did yesterday.

I have to pick up Ryno from school at three and go to work at five. But…

I get to woop it up all over tomorrow, ‘cause on Friday, I’m home alone again.

Cheers!!

23 comments:

Doc said...

You forgot the whale sperm!

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha. I haven't forgotten. It's in my notes. Cheers Doc!!

David said...

I could aspire to live the wild life as Matt-Man does but I would be a pale imitation - but a boy can dream, eh?

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...let's see: dead cats...frozen pizza...oily shaved heads...and a de-shoeing...perfect!!...

Matt-Man said...

David: Some day perhaps, but living the wild lifestyle of Matt-Man demands years of training and practice. Cheers David!!

Phfrankie: When you put it that way, it does sound exciting. Cheers P-Man!!

Mrs. D said...

I'll be Jetsa's assistant-zygote czar, LOL.

Matt-Man said...

D: Oh don't I know it. I dub you and her, "The Procreation Police". Cheers D!!

Mike said...

Nice job on Jesta's blog. I always liked George Carlons version of when life begins - Life began 4 million years ago and been a continuing process since then.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Why thank ya. I knew my hours of study in Philosophy would eventually come in handy. And Carlin? He would be absolutely correct as he always was. Cheers Mike!!

Jay said...

Dude. You had a really busy day. I don't know how you keep that pace up. Well, apparently you don't since you passed out on the couch. Happens when we get old I guess. ;-)

Beth said...

He passed out....just sayin.

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Well maybe if the company and conversation was more exciting, I wouldn't have. Just sayin'.

Do you wanna spank me now, or later? Cheers and Zoves!!

Marilyn said...

It's clear to me that I have to get back into the twitter grove if I wanna be hot like your other friends.

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: That would be cool, but you don't have to. You're hot enough because of your dry sense of humor and delicate use of the English language. I heart you. Cheers Marilyn!!

Jetsa said...

Brace yourself! I have just submitted my nomination for Earth Czar! It's a ticket I'm splitting with Mrs.D.

But since you called me hot, I will still rub for sexxxy shaved head with Whale Sperm. The offer stands my dear.

And MIKE- I am watching you!

Micky-T said...

I think your ears grew, but I'm not sure.

Matt-Man said...

Jetsa: Mmmmm. Whale Sperm. I can't wait. Just call me Moby Dick. Cheers Jet!!

Micky: Are you kidding me? My ears have always been huge. It's a family thing...just like our egos. Cheers Mick!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I can’t believe you only have to shave your head every couple months. I think I’ll have to do it at least once a week….when it comes to that fateful day.

Why the oil? Does it itch after you do it or does the oil make it shiny?

Dana said...

They Blog and they’re Hot. They’re Blotters.

I was going to get all offended by this but then decided a Blotter was much better than a Hogger!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Why the oil? Have you ever had your head rubbed in oil by a hot looking naked woman? Oh Baby!! Cheers Scott!!

Dana: Ha. I actually considered that, but my better nature took over. Cheers Dana!!

Mandy said...

Hmm...going to have to try for more, um, stimulating twitter conversation clearly as i believe I was left out...*sighs* oh well...

Glad you had a great day!! :)

Matt-Man said...

Mandy: Pfffft. Your picture is stimulating enough; you need not say anything. Cheers Mandy!!

Warrior_Kat said...

I like the bald look. It looks good on you too. It didn't look so hot on me. :-/ I wasn't bald by choice, btw. It was a chemotherapy haircut. lol! I liked the fact that it cut down on showering time though. :-)