Sunday, May 09, 2010

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Happy Mother's Day...Yeah, Right.

It is going to be a sunny yet relatively cool Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio on this Mother’s Day.

And with that being said, Happy Mother’s Day to all of the Moms and MILFs who have taken the time to spread their legs and nine months later, spit out a kid or two…or nine like my mom did.

Children, husbands, and divorce attorneys across this country will be praising and thanking moms everywhere.

All the while, restaurateurs, greeting card companies, and petunia peddlers will be making a killing. You know why?

Because people are stupid!!

Mother’s Day Schmother’s Day. It should be called, “Let’s Clean Out the Wallets of the Gullible Day.”

Mother’s Day…what a racket.

Oh sure…I’m going to Lowe’s early to pick up a flat of flowers for Ryno to give to his mom, but I’m using a Lowe’s gift card that I got for Christmas, so I’m not spending my own money.

I may spend a few bucks of my own. I’m getting a couple of donuts for Ryno, so I'll get a couple for his mom as well. Not because it’s Mother’s Day mind you.

I’ll do it because I’m a nice guy and the five to ten minutes that she spends scarfing down a couple of donuts is five to ten minutes she won’t be able to whine or ask me to clean or fix something.

Hell, I don’t even celebrate Mother’s Day with my own mom…for two reasons.

One, as I said, I think it’s a bogus holiday, and two? She’s been dead for nearly four years and I think it would be kinda creepy if I dug her up and took her to brunch.

Mother’s Day…uh-huh…what a crock.

I must be off now so I can get to Lowe’s as soon as they open and pick up the flowers for Ryno’s mom.

After I drop them off, she can plant them in the yard which I once meticulously landscaped, and which sits in front of the house which I once owned.

Amen, and Amen.

And now…Inky and Lola!!



Keith said...

I luv Lola's tits.

Matt-Man said...

Keith: Ha. I do too. Cheers Keith!!

Anonymous said...

Hey! Not all of us had to spit them out, LOL. I took the easy route myself, haha.

Mother's and Father's Day is a racket. But there are probably some parents that would never get ANY recognition if it weren't so. So, maybe it helps someone out.

Your momma had her work cut out for her, didn't she? 9, WOW!

Mike said...

It's mother's day? Thanks for the reminder. Now to sit down and figure out a carefully tought out gift.

Scott Oglesby said...

I love that first card; I’d love to give it out. You fix things and clean for your ex-wife?

I second your sweet Mother’s Day nothing’s buddy!

Matt-Man said...

D: Yes she did, but she saved the last of the nine for last. Cheers and Happy Mother's Day, D!!

Mike: A bottle of vodka is always nice. Cheers Mike!!

Scott: Yeah, I dig that card as well, and yes, I am still Mr. Fix-It at times; Ryno appreciates it.

Here's to nothing. Cheers Scott!!

Micky-T said...

Flowers have been sent and received with a loving card. A thank you call from her yesterday confirms that I am a loving son.


Oh! Thanks Bicky, you are awesome.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I once had a cat named Mother...

Micky-T said...

...he also had one that shit on his pillow.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Isn't it nice to "have people" for those things? Cheers Mick!!

P-Man: Why does that not surpise me? Cheers P-Man!!

Micky: That doesn't surprise me either. Cheers Mick!!

Jay said...

Mother's Day, Father's Day, Valentines Day ... All stupid made up holidays. I've decided I'm going to completely ignore all of them this year. Well, I guess it's too late to ignore Valentines Day and Mother's Day. But, next year I'll totally ignore them!

Marilyn said...

Why is it that men hate the appreciation style holidays?

I wish my circles were more like Lola's.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I agree with ya there funny man. But I kinda like Fatehr's Day, because every year I get yet another card from a kid I never knew I had. Cheers Jay!!

Marilyn: Ha. I will just type in what Schmoop said upon reading your comment, "Ha. Don't we all."

Cheers and Happy Mother's Day to you, Marilyn!!

Dana said...

Would you be my ex-husband??

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ha... Sure. But I suggest we consummate the relationship first, by you calling me an asshole and me calling you a jerk. Cheers Dana, and Happy Mother's Day!!

Mandy said...

sooo....there are 8 more of you?? Huh.


Matt-Man said...

Mandy: Ha..Yeah. Is that good or bad? Cheers and Happy Mother's Day Mandy!!