Wednesday, June 02, 2010

2010 Atlantic Hurricane Season: See Matthew Spin...See Dick Come

If you are a tropical meteorology aficionado such as myself or live near the Gulf or Atlantic seaboard, you are aware that Tuesday marked the beginning of the 2010 Atlantic Hurricane Season.

I am freak about hurricanes. I have always been fascinated by their power, natural perfection, and personalities. Yeah, each hurricane has its own personality.

While each may have the same type of meteorological origins, some grow up to be real bastards and bitches; others merely fade into obscurity.

I know nearly everything there is to know about hurricanes, from the physics of them to the history of them. I am a freak.

However…the first thing that catches my eye when the season begins, are the names given for the storms during the season.

Usually, I am disappointed in the gayness and “what the fuckness” of the name list. Let me give you a couple of examples of this year’s names:

The second named storm will be Bonnie…eh, that wouldn’t be a bad name if she were followed by a storm named Clyde, but she is followed by Colin. Hurricane Colin? Pfffft, pussy.

The seventh named storm will be Gaston. Ha, Gaston? And, Gaston is followed by some chick named, Hermine. What the fuck?

Will this pretentious couple “storm” the southeast U.S. and spritz all over the coast in a mist of argyle?

Of course it gets even better…If we get down to the 20th named storm she will be known as Virginie. No, I’m not kidding.

Someone naming a storm Virginie, makes me wonder why that instead of naming the “O” storm, Otto, they didn’t name him, Ol’ Dan Tucker. Holy Crap.

But, there are two bright spots in the list…

If there is a 13th named storm, it will be named, are you ready? MATTHEW!! Praise Jeebus, and pass me the plywood. I can hear the reports now:

Hurricane Matthew spontaneously developed in the Eastern Caribbean over night. His movement is erratic as in a drunken stupor. No one can figure out where Matthew is going. His pressure is dropping rapidly.

The latest Hurricane Hunter aircraft dropped a Dropsonde and recorded a barometric pressure of 27.77”, wind speeds of 168 mph, and an unusual audio blip that sounded oddly like someone saying, “I’m Matt-Man, Bitch!!”

Of course after spinning around the east coast for a week, the report will be as follows:

The menacing storm that has infamously become know as Matt-Man, has, after a week of what appears to be a mocking of the entire Eastern seaboard, moved on and dropped its tropical piss all over England.

Of course, my fave name this year, even more than my own, is the 17th named storm…Richard. Hee Hee. You know it will be referred to as, Hurricane Dick.

If there is a Hurricane Dick, I want it to bear down on the gorgeous city of Savannah, Ga. I can hear it now:

Dick is gaining strength and size with every second and counter-cockwise spin, and is bearing down on Savannah.

Savannah is in fear as the giant Dick stares her down with an angry looking eye.

Savannah’s only hope is if High Pressure blows him off, easing the tension of Dick and sending him calmly out to sea.

One can only hope.

Have a wonderful Wednesday all. I am off today, so if you need a special friend, let me know. I am here for you, even if Dick and I are spinning counter-cockwise.



Michele said...

Since, I now live in a hurricane prone area I'm hoping that all of them are as big of pussies as their names imply. Have a great day off.

Mike said...

Do hurricanes spin clockwise in the southern hemisphere or is that just toilets?

Matt-Man said...

Michele: I love the beauty an dit is beauty in a natural perfection when they are out at sea...They are nature's steam engine that help to keep the equatorial climes cooler, but I agree of course, I hate to see the destruction.

Mike: Why yes, yes they do. And another interesting fact, in Australia, they are sometimes referred to as Willy-Willys. Cheers Mike!!

Jeff B said...

Here's wishing you a Cat 5 status this year, and in closing may I say,

"Old Dan Tucker was a fine ole man
Washed his face in a frying pan
Combed is hair with a wagon wheel
Died with a toothpick in his heel

Get out the way of Old Dan Tucker
He's too late to get his supper
Supper's over and dinner's cookin'
And Old Dan Tucker just stands there lookin'"

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Thanks I would like to have my storm to reach retired name status. And ha...I was singing that song in my head when I typed in Ol' Dan Tucker...specifically thinking of an episode of the Andy Griffith Show. Cheers Jeff!!

Jay said...

I would be a bit concerned and very intimidated by a big, throbbing Dick off the coast of the US.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: And who wouldn't? Evidently the U.S gov't has felt the same way for 50 years about Catro, they just won't admit that he is impotent. Cheers Jay!!

Desert Rat said...

"Supper's over and the dishes are washed,
Nothing's left but a piece of squash!"

The Aussies refer to their "hurricanes" (properly) as cyclones. This year, Cyclone Olga and Cyclone Ului hit while Steve was in Gladstone. That made me kind of frantic! Olga dropped something like 16 inches of rain in two days on Gladstone.

I hope Hurricane Matthew arrives, 'cause I know you'll have a field day with that one!

Desert Rat said...

Oh, I meant "cyclones" is the proper name, and Willy-Willys is their casual name. Like calling Bunderbergs a "Bundy." They're so laid back!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Yes, the Aussies are i the Cyclone area, but ask an Aussie about Willy-Willys, they'll know what you are talking about...and it won't be sexual.

As long as Hurricane Matthew doesn't kill anyone, but merely ruins their day and annoys them, I'll be happy. Cheers Rat!!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Or like calling Sarah Palin, a political analyst. Cheers Rat!!

Scott Oglesby said...

Living in Florida I lived for the tropical storms and hurricanes since it meant good surf. Considering that we lived on St. Pete Beach which is basically a man made beach they would evacuate fairly often. I never went so they’d tell me to write my social security number in magic marker on the ceiling so they could identify my body.

There were usually three of us sitting in a bar riding them out and watching garbage cans and stop signs fly by. Good times!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: St. Pete Beach is a bee-yoo-tee-ful place. A bunch of us went down there for a friend's wedding years ago.

I forget the name of the motel we stayed at but they had an outdoor bar called the Swig Wam. I would have loved to have partied there during a hurricane. Cheers Scott!!

Dianne said...

all these 'eye of dick' comments are flooding my mind

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ha. Cute. Cheers Sexy!!

Dana said...

I can't believe you didn't link to the list of names! I had to google it myself!

I was looking for hurricane Dana 'cause ... well ... I thought that would be cool, but then I read, "There are six lists that continue to rotate. The lists only change when there is a hurricane that is so devastating, the name is retired and another name replaces it."

So it looks like I'll be hoping for all "D" hurricanes to be so devastating their names will be retired and mine will (maybe) be added. And here I thought they came up with new names EVERY year!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: A thousand pardons...Yes, they retire special ones. Katrina, Camille, Hugo, Andrew, I think Betsy and Hazel have been retired as well.

Otto who is the O storm this year again was also the last named storm in 2005. He didn't develop until late December. 2005 (Katrina, Rita, etc.) was a busy fricking year.

Cheers Dana!!

Micky-T said...

The water is already at record temperatures now. A season similar to 2005 is expected....

Matt-Man said...

Micky: You are correct. The water temps are already warm enough. It could get ugly if things come together. Cheers Mick!!

Mandy said...


Just keep those damn things away from Charleston...

Matt-Man said...

Mandy: I shall invoke the Hurricane Gods so that you are safe. Cheers Mandy!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

Ha 'Hurricane Matty'! I have always thought hurricane names were infused with gayness and what the fuck-ness too! I'd LOVE to get the job of sitting on my ass all day and naming them! Good stuff Hurricane M!