Wow. I had a rough last four or five hours at work Tuesday night. I was a little on edge when I got home.
To ease my personal tension and hate for the human race, I opened a beer.
Just as I was cracking open my second beer, there was a knock at my door. It was my bud, Jeebus.
I let him in, and another scintillating conversation between he and I ensued.
Me: Hey Jeebus…I haven’t seen you since Lent. What’s up?
Jeebus: I was watching and listening to you at the Beer Mine tonight. You were muttering, “God Damn It” quite a bit. That’s a no-no, Matt-Man. Tsk, tsk.
Me: But I-
Jeebus: I know you were busy, and the people who came through were idiots, but because some moronic chick takes five minutes to decide between a Snicker’s Bar and a Kit Kat, is no reason to take my daddy’s name in vain under your breath.
Me: I agree, but I apologized under my breath as well.
Jeebus: True, but when the customer after her started counting out five dollars in dimes for a pack of smokes, you said to yourself, and I quote:
“Un-fucking-believable!! God Damn It!! Jeebus Take Me NOW!!”
Matt, Matt, Matt….you really need to watch your language, and another thing…
Me: Oy…What? What else did I do wrong?
Jeebus: The chick with the great rack who gets the Marlboro Smooths? Could you be a little less obvious when you’re staring down her top? She’s only nineteen, for Chrissakes.
Me: But man, she’s HOT.
Jeebus: Yeah, I know. When Dad created her in the womb of her mom, I remember him saying, “This chick is going to grow up to be one sexy bitch.”
Me: Your Dad does good work.
Jeebus: Yes he does. And the red head chick you drool over? Ha. She’s really a guy.
Me: What the fuck? Really?
Jeebus: Dad and I created her just to fuck with you. We were hoping you’d get naked with her…er him…at some point, and then we'd laugh our asses off when we saw you freak out. But, I couldn’t let you go through with it.
Me: Ha…That’s awful, but pretty damn funny….and thanks.
Jeebus: One last thing…That blonde who keeps flirting with you? Don’t do it. She’s been pre-ordained to give birth to seven kids. She could get pregnant with just a kiss. That is one fertile bitch. Stay far, far, away.
Me: Thanks for the tip, J-Man.
Jeebus: Anytime, my friend. Now, let’s have a blast of Rose before I go.
Me: Here ya go, my messianic Mad-Man.
Jeebus: God, this shit is still awful. Why do you drink this crap?
Me: ‘Cause Wild Irish Rose is just like me. It’s goes down rough at times…only a handful of people think it’s any good, but in the end, it can make a person laugh and feel better for awhile.
Jeebus: Yeah…it does one other thing that you do, as well. It can give you a hangover.
Me: Ha…well, yeah…there’s that too. Here’s to ya.
Jeebus: Cheers my friend.
Me: Right back atcha, my friend.
And to all of you on this most fine Hump Day…