Wednesday, June 23, 2010

My Own Private Jesus

Wow. I had a rough last four or five hours at work Tuesday night. I was a little on edge when I got home.

To ease my personal tension and hate for the human race, I opened a beer.

Just as I was cracking open my second beer, there was a knock at my door. It was my bud, Jeebus.

I let him in, and another scintillating conversation between he and I ensued.

Me: Hey Jeebus…I haven’t seen you since Lent. What’s up?

Jeebus: I was watching and listening to you at the Beer Mine tonight. You were muttering, “God Damn It” quite a bit. That’s a no-no, Matt-Man. Tsk, tsk.

Me: But I-

Jeebus: I know you were busy, and the people who came through were idiots, but because some moronic chick takes five minutes to decide between a Snicker’s Bar and a Kit Kat, is no reason to take my daddy’s name in vain under your breath.

Me: I agree, but I apologized under my breath as well.

Jeebus: True, but when the customer after her started counting out five dollars in dimes for a pack of smokes, you said to yourself, and I quote:

“Un-fucking-believable!! God Damn It!! Jeebus Take Me NOW!!”

Matt, Matt, Matt….you really need to watch your language, and another thing…

Me: Oy…What? What else did I do wrong?

Jeebus: The chick with the great rack who gets the Marlboro Smooths? Could you be a little less obvious when you’re staring down her top? She’s only nineteen, for Chrissakes.

Me: But man, she’s HOT.

Jeebus: Yeah, I know. When Dad created her in the womb of her mom, I remember him saying, “This chick is going to grow up to be one sexy bitch.”

Me: Your Dad does good work.

Jeebus: Yes he does. And the red head chick you drool over? Ha. She’s really a guy.

Me: What the fuck? Really?

Jeebus: Dad and I created her just to fuck with you. We were hoping you’d get naked with her…er him…at some point, and then we'd laugh our asses off when we saw you freak out. But, I couldn’t let you go through with it.

Me: Ha…That’s awful, but pretty damn funny….and thanks.

Jeebus: One last thing…That blonde who keeps flirting with you? Don’t do it. She’s been pre-ordained to give birth to seven kids. She could get pregnant with just a kiss. That is one fertile bitch. Stay far, far, away.

Me: Thanks for the tip, J-Man.

Jeebus: Anytime, my friend. Now, let’s have a blast of Rose before I go.

Me: Here ya go, my messianic Mad-Man.

Jeebus: God, this shit is still awful. Why do you drink this crap?

Me: ‘Cause Wild Irish Rose is just like me. It’s goes down rough at times…only a handful of people think it’s any good, but in the end, it can make a person laugh and feel better for awhile.

Jeebus: Yeah…it does one other thing that you do, as well. It can give you a hangover.

Me: Ha…well, yeah…there’s that too. Here’s to ya.

Jeebus: Cheers my friend.

Me: Right back atcha, my friend.

And to all of you on this most fine Hump Day…



Jay said...

Jeebus hasn't said anything to me about checking out all the girls with their low cut tops and short shorts. I must not be staring long enough.

Also, you know he sent all those idiots to the beer mine tonight to test you. And to entertain himself. The asshole. ;-)

Mike said...

"a Snicker’s Bar and a Kit Kat"

Room temp - Kit Kat
Out of the freezer - Snickers

Print this and post it under your window.

Desert Rat said...

"The Miraculous Hump Returns From the Mooon." I love it when Jeebus stops by.

That's all I got. Two beers. That's all it took. Sigh. I'm such a cheap date. Must sleep.

Scott Oglesby said...

I met my own personal Jesus at a club (Pacha) in Ibiza. He was the house DJ and I had already eaten some very questionable mushrooms when he gave be some powder that he claimed would make me feel ‘ecstatic.’ And it certainly did.

The conversations that we shared were deep, intense and quite profound, although admittedly lacking in shemales and tits.

I may have shared this with you before; hanging with Jesus wreaks havoc with my short term memory.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: And test me he did. And the change!! All of the people paying with change. Oh Dear God. Cheers Jay!!

Mike: All of our candy are kept at a constant 45 degrees. And there is no window, dammit. I'm live!! Cheers Mike!!

Rat: Ha...You are even more adorable when beered-up. Cheers Rat!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Hanging with Jesus always makes me see more clearly...and then I weep. Cheers Scott!!

Doc said...

19 is legal... #justsayin

Matt-Man said...

Doc: I know, but it makes me feel dirty. Not so much that I wouldn't want to have sex her, but dirty nonetheless. Cheers Doc!!

Irene said...

My girls are 18 and 19 so ewwww gross!
These are my favorite posts when Jeebus shows up.
Thanks for the chuckle as always.

Matt-Man said...

Irene: Anytime. And Doc said, "19 is legal.", but c'mon....At least to me it's kinda disturbing. Cheers Irene!!

Michele said...

Give the girl a break. Making the right decision between candy treats should not be taken lightly.

Michele said...

Okay...I was joking she was a moron.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Uh-Huh...If the chick wanted to "look around" she could have gone to the grocery, drug her lazy ass out of the car, and gone inside. We ain't no grocery store dammit. And yes, I know you were. Cheers Michele!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...God's kid got it goin' ON...

Dianne said...

I think George Carlin is writing all of Jeebus's stuff

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha. Indeed he does. I asked him if wearing the robe was a bit uncomfortable in this Ohio heat and he said, "Hell no. Underneath this cloak I am going commando." Cheers P-Man!!

Di: Jeebus did ask me awhile back when the pork chops would be ready, so maybe you're right. Cheers Sexy!!

boo said...

Jeebus always makes me giggle. But that's 'cause his beard tickles.

Matt-Man said...

Boo: Ha...That's sinful. I Love it. Cheers Boo!!

Joker_SATX said...

I love it when Jeebus utters the words, "forchrissakes". I am still trying determine whether its Irony or Sarcasm that he goes into these schizophrenic states where he does not know whether he is him or his own Father for that matter.....

Yeah, I blasphemed! So What?

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Ha...I was amused by that myself and I am glad SOMEONE picked up on that. And what.

People can spew all the doctrine they want...if there is a God as good as people say, every good person in the world is going to Heaven. Cheers and thanks, Joker!!

The Dish said...

Jeebus loves you. And wants to fuck with your head. That is awesome.

You know what The Husband likes to quote, "If she smokes she fucks."

Dana said...

I wish Jeebus would have as great of a sense of humor when he drops by my house - usually all I get is that look!

Matt-Man said...

Dish: Ha...And he is wise man because I have always found that to be true. Cheers Dish!!

Dana: Ha...Good One. If you were one with the Lord like I am, you'd get that opportunity. Jeebus digs me, 'cause I get him. Cheers Dana!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I'm glad Jeebus has a sense of humor!

Matt-Man said...

Evil: So am I. CHeers ETW!!

David said...

When Jeebus visits me, he never knocks on the door. He arrives in the middle of the night (I guess I'm not on the A list for a daytime visit) and just materializes in the bedroom and usually finds me in a....uhmmm compromising position.

Matt-Man said...

David: Sinner!! Repent Now!! Is that what you hear? Cheers David!!